Got in trouble for not "paying attention" - your a

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Hi everyone - I'm an Aspie man who has been fairly regular on WP. Soliciting advice & similar experiences...

So just today, I got shouted at by my wife when I came back with a few items from the grocery store - I got some cremini mushrooms, and she instantly looked at it and pointed out the discoloration on some of the mushrooms in the pack - she told me how could I screw this up and she must have said about 7 times "next time, pay attention!! !" - to me, I honestly thought that was the natural colour of them, they were brown in spots, but not like rotten or black, I thought that was the natural pattern to cremini mushrooms. She told me that I should have known it wasn't, because some visibly have more white than brown, and all I had to do was "pay attention" before I bought them. I told her I was in a hurry after going to the gym and just wanted to go in & out of the store, but she said that wasn't an excuse b/c she would have noticed if it was her.

Now, by nature in general I'm very detail-oriented, and it's been part of my success in my working life. She mentioned that she found this an odd contrast and called me on it. I think in this case it was just me de-prioritizing something as trivial as a pack of mushrooms, just grab them and leave - which was my explanation to her on that comment. However, last year I did make a mistake more than once in buying milk with an expiry date of tomorrow and she noticed and blasted me for it.

I'm diagnosed Aspie but always suspected co-morbid ADHD. In your opinion, was what I described a symptom displayed of ADHD? Or is it more executive dysfunction, like the archetype of the absent-minded professor who is so wrapped up in professional or academic pursuits that he would commit such an error?? Or maybe it's just a "typical male" thing...not paying attention to freshness or produce, which is more a woman thing...whattya think...

Now, *I* am a food freak, and pay lots of attention to BB4 dates and whathaveyou. Nobody pays as much attention to it like me. I have to realise that people aren't detail-oriented, at least to do with food. She has to realise this as well. I just have to tell myself that the person went to the effort of buying me the food in the first place, and it's nice for me to show them some appreciation for it.

It does sounds to me like she's over-reacting a bit. She should get those mushrooms herself if she doesn't appreciate that you bought them for her in the first place. I try not to let anyone buy fresh food for me, because I check the BB4 dates and often supermarkets sell you things very nearly (or even a few days) out of date, including fresh food.

Maybe you could ask her to show you what normal cremini mushrooms look like. Did you say there were actual white spots on them? That sounds like mould to me, but I don't know what cremini mushrooms are.

But you did notice the mushroom spots, you just had no prior information on the relevance of that detail. Paying attention to things can't bring the desired result without a framework of knowledge for acting on what you perceive. o_0

There really are some fungi and plants that are supposed to have spots.

(I can't think of a particular example right now, but I've had my share of "But no one told me X indicated Y!!" moments.)

Tell her to pick up her own mushrooms if she's so fussy.

I think this is who cares lemme buy some stuff and leave asap thing.

I'm sorry but I have to say your wife is too harsh on you. She should appreciate that you did the shopping for both of you. Different people pay attention to different things. Just because she pays attention to particular things, that doesn't necessarily mean other people do, too. What you described doesn't seem to show anything wrong with your functioning in any way. I'm sure there are other people who would just quickly pick not-the-best item out of the pile. It's also not necessarily a male thing, either. I'm a male, but I'm very careful with use by date of products and freshness of fruits and vegetables. I don't expect other people to pay attention to exactly the same things.

I think jk1 is right - your wife is being a jerk to you over this (and even over the milk thing). It sounds like she's treating you like a child who has to be scolded and corrected, and she gives you no leeway to make any kind of mistake that anyone could make.

If she blasts you over trivial and easily corrected matters like this, that's the problem. Not whether you realize that brown spots on a mushroom mean it's gone bad or not.

Oh my goodness.
Yes, she is overreacting.
Just cut the damn discoloured spots off; they're most likely just bruising anyway.

Well, I agree with everyone here, that it's been well-established that she was overreacting. But as the OP, I've told her that, it's just a trivial matter and not worth getting into knots over - but she blames it on the "compounded effect", i.e. that there have been so many "little things" that I don't learn from and intuitively apply the next time, this being just one of them, that she has a more compounded reaction. IF it was just this in isolation it would make sense, but I tend to make little errors and oversights virtually daily. and she is not as "forgiving" about them as she used to be.

I'm sure this is part of the basal ganglia region of the brain being less active and responsive in people on the spectrum; they are better at theoretical abstract reasoning, but for practical (and spontaneous!) application of abstract expectations, it's challenging for us. So many times I've heard her say "Sure, you've never experienced situation Y before, but I told you for situation X you're expected to do A and B, so obviously for situation Y you can see that the same would apply." She wasn't like this in our first couple of years of dating, but after getting married, such comments became more frequent. Again - it's the compounding effect, she let it simmer so much, and maybe she didn't want to scare me away by bringing it up too soon (and too frequently).

I say, if you want to make a relationship work, you have to be accepting of "the little things" just being one of the bumps on the road - it's simply not realistic to expect that everything will be 100% the same as when you were apart and didn't know each other.

If she brings up the compound effect, then that probably means that that's how you are. And she should simply accept the way you are. People are different. You have your habits. She can't expect you to have exactly the same values as she in everything. Your habits seem all harmless and you are well-intended. So you shouldn't have to change your way just because she doesn't like it.

What you did is not atypical in any way. Your wife is the one being atypical here.