how do you experience a meltdown?

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Hi!

I was wondering ...i reasently discovered that i have had several so called meltdowns in my life, and I was wondering how you people experience your meltdowns.
I dinn`t know that my outbursts and shutdowns where meltdowns until i read about it. and it fits. I usually refer to it as system shut down, or system overload. Because thats what it feels like.

So, please tell me what goes through your mind during a meltdown. And what feelings you experience.

thanks!

when having a meltdown it feels like nothing matters and it is the end of my world. all i can do is scream.

I can't think straight anymore. I don't really process what is happening around me anymore. Part of me knows that what I'm doing is wrong and that I cannot react like that, I feel like crying for help, I want to stop, but I can't. I can't stop playing with my hands, hitting myself, making odd noises, crying, getting caught up in repetitive movement patterns, shoving people away, pacing, not knowing where to go or what to do.

I often lose most of my ability to speak, I stammer or don't get anything out at all which makes everything even worse, because I cannot understand how I get like that.

I feel completely and utterly helpless, people stare at me or tell me that I should stop acting like a ret*d or just get my act together and stop making such a big deal out of everything.

I want to hide in a very small space or run; just run away from everything and everyone; most of all myself .

Nothing goes through my mind during a meltdown because I become completely unable to think or feel anything.
I think just before and after a meltdown.

I often feel angry, but before a meltdown I'm utterly furious. Even the littlest thing that bothers me can cause me a meltdown when I'm in that state.

Once in 10th grade a classmate that was being chased by some other guys tripped on my desk and some of my things fell to the ground. I was extremely enraged at the moment (there wasn't a particular reason actually), and I started screaming and I pushed that guy away, making him fall to the ground.
It took me a while to calm down, and when I did I just sat silently without caring about what happened around me and without answering my classmates, that were asking me questions.

Usually I'm not violent against people during meltdowns, but I usually just scream and kick and punch things.

I'm more of a shutdown person. The world recedes. All sound blends in to this sort of overwhelming, all-encompassing whoosh that feels very assaulting, although I can take in what someone who cares about me is saying, it often comes across as much more aggressive/threatening than it really is (when looking back in retrospect.) In my worst times, I actually stim less. It's like my body freezes, and I curl into myself. Curled up, face in my hands. It's worse if I'm not crying.

Okay, a step backwards, and I'll try to explain the phases of it for me.

*Insert overwhelming environment/stressful situation/aggression/fear*

First, sensory issues seem amplified. Noises are louder and more painful. Lights are brighter. I become irritable, and read more negative intent into what people are saying to me. I stim much more, tapping my foot, rubbing my face, picking at my skin. Everything seems harsher.

*overwhelming environment continues, and I'm unable to leave it*

I start feeling trapped between fight and flight (not a fighter, and can't flee) and feel paralyzed. Sensory issues continue, into a sort of increased contrast tunnel vision. I become much quieter, and begin tuning out what people are saying to me. I do try to answer, but what I can get out is mostly monosyllabic. If I'm forced to answer more, it's very forced, and can come out angry or frantic sounding. I'm not angry, it's just difficult to get the words out. At this point, I'm still stimming, still face rubbing, maybe rocking if I'm trying to speak. Eye contact is totally gone at this point. I won't be able to maintain conversation if there is any background noise, but may still have the presence of mind to remove background noise myself (turning off TV, fan, getting to a quiet place).

*still in the overwhelming environment, OR I've just been pushed too far before I was able to escape it*

It can go one of two ways:
Way #1
If I'm forced to endure conversation at this point, I lash out, yell, feel extremely threatened by everything that a person is saying. I skin pick much more, mostly at my neck. I will go over what is upsetting me in the conversation over and over again, even if the other person is trying to be soothing or reconciliatory. I won't want to be touched, and will swat away anyone who tries. Background noise will still kill my ability to understand anything, and I'll become extremely frustrated by anything that throws me off of my very tenuous connection, mentally, to what I'm trying to get across. The only true, extreme, total meltdown that I remember having around anyone, the friends I was with wound up calling the paramedics because they (and I!) did not know what was happening, and they were afraid for me. I was shaking, frantically fiddling with my hands, tearing things, rocking, alternating between sobbing and being unable to cry. Thankfully, I have not had one that bad since. But, still, I become very frantic, jerky in movements, absolutely not myself. I go like this until I run out of steam, (or flip over to way #2, which I'll write after this) or until I'm allowed to be alone. After that, it's like a sick hangover. My body feels numb, and then slowly, as I regain myself, seems very, very pained, everywhere. I feel slowed down for days.

The other way: (which, is the way that I respond most of the time.)
Way #2
I withdraw entirely. I shut down. It's hard to speak, and my speech doesn't really have any emotional affect. (I do mean "affect" there, not "effect" on a person.) My body feels numb, I curl up, head in hands. I don't stim, except maybe neck-picking, if I'm still trying to communicate. The world seems kind of glazed over, dulled, away. My hands might shake, but, usually, my body just freezes up and draws into itself. I usually have to fall to the floor to sit, if there is nowhere near for me to sit, or lay in bed, and it is very difficult to get myself to do anything. If I'm forced to act when I'm in a state like this, forced to speak, forced to do things, it has an effect on my functioning for a long, long time, because it feels like my body is just a marionette going through the stereotypes of what I should be doing, while my mind is elsewhere; it's a very unhealthy state, which I will feel later, probably with a reaction more like way #1, above. Again, afterwards, I feel hung over, body full of pain, head in a fog, emotionally dulled, for days.

I just referred to this stuff as being depressed. Guess I've been on a slow meltdown for months now. I just don't care anymore, the only things I can feel are anger sadness and resentment. I'm kinda ok so long as I'm alone, but when I have to deal with more than one person I feel ready to snap. Worst thing is no matter what I do I just can't get the screaming in my head to stop.

I usually melt down because I'm in situations where I have to do too much by myself all at once. People hearing me and not listening also make me melt down after I have said what I have to say a gazillion times. At that point I start screaming and throwing things in order to be heard because people obviously (to me) do not listen to what I need or want when I say things nicely.

Not only can I not decide on what to say or how to say it but it all seems to come out garbled and doesn't make sense. My brain shuts down and I cannot think of anything. I franticly walk in circles around the inside of the house looking for something I can't find, I can't even remember what I am looking for. Finally I just sit down wherever I happen to be and stare blankly into space at nothing without blinking my eyes. All the sounds I hear seem to meld into one big drone. At that point the only thing that can bring me out of it is for someone who loves me to hold me and rock me for an hour or more. Usually though I just get told to snap out of it and get threatened to be taken to the hospital where I know I will not get the hugs I need. After several days of being snubbed and ignored I somehow bring myself out of a melt down but have to take a month or so to recover.

I don't talk anymore because I can't find my voice. A dull roar becomes the only thing that I hear. I lie down, no matter where I am. I wriggle around to ease myself but it never helps. Everything melts and my vision blurs. I've now lost contact with my senses but my hearing.

This is when people start talking to me. I can't find my voice so how can I talk? I want to make them shut up but I don't know how. They keep talking and I lose control of everything. I cry, I scream, I destroy. I feel like my mind is burning and brain cells are dying.

I withdraw for long periods afterward or walk in circles for an hour. I didn't want it to happen more than anyone else did. But like me when I melt down, they can't listen.

I have more shut-downs than meltdowns. I hyperfocus on this one single element and all else fades away. But my meltdowns are girly and childish usually. I cry, I scream, I blubber and sway or rock. and repeat my discontent over and over.

when i have a meltdown all i can do is cry or breath heavy,and scream so basically i have panic attacks bad ones.

For me a meltdown is usually preceded by an increased heart rate and a "fight or flight" type feeling. I'll often make tight fists and keep my arms rigidly by my side. My speech will quicken and become panicked. If it escalates, I will grind the sole of my shoe backwards, similar to a bull about to charge, but much more subtle. At the breaking point I'll approach something like hyperventilating, and sometimes writhe as if I'm trying to crack a joint in my neck or shoulder.

Thankfully, and especially since I've gotten older, I can limit how often this happens, or come down from it relatively quickly. That being said, controlling my behavior while having a meltdown is virtually impossible.

I don't know what to call this, but:

Most of my anger is internalized. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, whether I could control it or not. Basically, I sometimes get overwhelmed at my anger/other negative emotions and I start "shutting down" mentally, so to speak. I withdraw from people. I can't express all of my emotions and what I need anyways. I used to be a really loud crier until my parents started worrying about me, and I don't scream for the same reason. All I can do is wait, hoping I don't do too much damage on myself until the episode has passed. I become extremely impulsive. I dissociate. All I want to do is punish myself for all the bad things that I "did."

I've experienced panic attacks and I guess what you call meltdowns. I haven't had a meltdown for a year and a half now. I just go on a full rage and scream at everyone. I do that in my dream a lot, especially recently. Pent up anger maybe? I've learned that screaming at my bullies only makes matters worse.

I really need to look up meltdowns and shutdowns. I'd just thought I'd share this before I start making connections.

I also have perfectionism and am diagnosed with BPD, so it might not even relate to autism or maybe a combo makes it worse.

EDIT: Just looked them up. It sounds to me I'm experiencing emotional shutdowns from BPD. Most times, when I get a sensory overload, I just get a migraine. The meltdowns are from not knowing what to do in a social situation.

I myself go into a state of shutdown, and if im not left alone i will eventually get a meltdown...
Like i shut out the world by zoning out. I try to close out sounds and movement in the envirement. If the envirement is to mutch for me i get overwelmed, even though i try my best to shut the world out. then i get tornados of emotions, irritation, and anger, also anxiety...ive been told i look like i have a stone face..no expressions at all. but inside i feel like the middle of a tornado.
If a trigger comes by, like children screaming, disco lights, people trying to comunicate i get over-emotional and cant process my thoughts and feelings fast enaugh.. so they fill up my head, until it burst. I then usually crye alot, and if someone tryes to listen and comfort me, ive been told i sound very mad, and aggressive. no advice and comforting helps. i just need to "empty" my head.
When im done, its all quiet in my head, i blanc out. in my own little bubble...and im not able to interact with people rest of the day. im totally drained. i shut down.
The shut downs, before and/or afther a meltdown can vary greatly in duration. im more or less in a shutdown the entire day anyways...but the overload/meltdown- outbursts are normally about 2-10 minutes.

My meltdowns usually consist of me getting super enraged over something, and wanting to literally destroy things - like, punch/kick walls, throw my body against them, bang my head against them. If I'm given my space or can get to a safe place during the anger stage, however, the extreme exhaustion usually sets in and I just collapse somewhere and cry until I can't cry anymore. When I'm through crying, I usually feel nauseous, disoriented, dehydrated, and tired.

When other people have witnessed me in the anger stage, and I voice my desire to destroy things, I usually get criticized....these people apparently don't understand that when I'm that angry, the only other alternative I would have is to hurt/scream at whoever provoked/contributed to me into feeling that angry, or hurting myself (which is what I used to do). I mean, which would they rather have. I never actually have hurt an actual person during a meltdown, but I don't trust myself when I get pushed past the brink.