Getting left out at school

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I would really love to hear what would have helped you on the playground feel, and be, more successfull socially. I have an aide with my 6yr-old son at school. The aide sticks close by at recess and lunch and prompts him to play with other kids. He has gotten good at knowing he has to find other kids, join their games and not play alone. Problem is....the other kids sense that something is different about him. So even though he is standing near them, trying to play in their games, putting out a good effort, he is being left out. I don't know what else to have the aide do, as she can't force the other kids to "like" him. He has the advantage of having this adult to help him at all times. What else can I have her do? What would have helped you in the early school years. Thank you!!

OK, um, I dont know about anyone else on the boards, but I grew up in a suburb of chicago. If I would have had an adult around me at all times, I would have had a lot more torture I believe. I think the problem is that he is not allowed to be who he is. I understand that parents want to be helpful for thier children but this doesnt help him in a social enviroment. You cant tell someone to be social, doesnt work that way.

You can help him deal with what other people do, and help him learn how to be social, but you can't make him. Not too mention, by having someone there with him at all times, its like the elephant in the room. EVERYONE KNOWS there's something wrong with him, instead of, helping him, its probably hurting him.

You want to help your kid? When he comes to a cognitive age, where he understands life a little better(I was kinda forced young into this because my father died when I was 9), make sure he and everyone he has to deal with knows he's autistic. That will help.

But IMPO, you can't have a shadow on him, telling him to be social and all that. He needs social skills, not a push in a social direction. Teach him how to conversate and pay attention to people when they talk. Teach him how to be happy and smile. Teach him how to care about people. These are the things that are gonna make him more socially acceptable, not some adult watching his every move. Now unless there is a deeper reason for having an aide at all times, I can't agree with this.

You parents need to learn how to ask better questions too. You all make it sound like we're problems that need to be fixed! You wanna help us? Learn what its like to be us. Not the symptoms we deal with, or sh*t like that. Learn what we think and feel. Learn how we understand the world. Learn to understand and ACCEPT who we are. You people say you accept your children but you wouldnt ask questions the way you do if you did. You would ask in a completely different manner.

Realize, I dont bash every parent that has a question(though I dont doubt it seems that way). Its how you ask the question that decides the answer, not the question itself.

The one thing I can recall about my play ground experiences was that I never knew what the other kids meant when they told jokes and stories. Because of this lack of perception and insight I was labeled an odd ball for it.

I was very naive as an autistic child. I wish I had some aid who could have taught me how to fallow social clues like when kids were using their kindness as a joke on me; or when they were lying and not being a very good friend; or when they did or didn’t want me to play with them or sit with them etc.

I don’t know how autistic he is but if the aid can teach your son to get at least a few basic social clues he will be the better for it.

I know if I had those skills when I was 5/6 it would have saved me from teary afternoons.

But i'm glad the other kids like him that helps alot too.

hattieo,

Adults can't really help. It is good that she is female, but if she was HIS age she could help just by being there, and know the ropes. An adult HURTS by being there, and may not know about the age group.

Steve

When I look at my senior yearbook, I was "left out". I didn't relate with anyone I went to school with. I was the guy who was just there. I went to prom with a 21-year old, and it's not as awesome as it sounds -- awful date, but atleast we where very cute.

What is the purpose of the aide? Was your son beaten up? Did he get upset and beat up others? Is he Aspie or Autistic?

Also, you need to understand your son. This really isn't a question where you'll get the same answers from everyone. All of us are different. I'm laughing here just picturing some adult trying to make me play when I was that age. I was very antisocial and trying to force me to be social would have resulted in me completely shutting down. If my mom had sent the aide with me who did that, she would have gotten it when I got home. Understand that I wasn't antisocial because I didn't know how to socialize...I didn't want to socialize. At his age, I had a friend named Mary. She was the first girl I encountered. I had all brothers and all my neighbors had boys. So I had no socialization with girls at all. Mary's dad was a coach at school and she had all brothers and one sister. So, she didn't think it was strange that I objected to wearing dresses when I never had before. She thought it made perfect sense. She also thought it was perfectly rational to beat up boys who teased you. So, we became friends. I was strange, but so was she, just in a different way. Mary taught me most of the social ropes. She moved away when I was 8.

I went through this long before there was any of this treatment around. Honestly, after some of what I read on here, I think I was better off. Trust me, no one in their right mind thought I was normal. I was very solitary even as a child. I had completely bizarre behaviors. I ate nothing but pickled beets for two years. I hid in the laundry basket inside a closet on a regular basis. No one could ever find me, I doubt they know even now that I did this. I was like living with a six year old adult. I had opinions about everything. I remembered everything I saw or heard. I could not stand to be touched. I rarely acknowledged anyone talking to me unless I was actually interested in what they were saying. I had adult friends, but few friends my own age. Most of the kids liked me because I would tell them stories. They liked my stories.

By eight, I was writing non-stop. The kids liked to read what I wrote, although most of them probably couldn't understand half of it. They wanted me to play them music. They all wanted to study with me. Most of the time, I spent trying to get them away from me so I could write. I often went miles from home and simply wrote all day long. I wouldn't say anything, I would just wander off. As a matter of fact, I still do that.

So, you see, your child may be completely different than I was. If your child is extroverted, have the aide start teaching him social skills at a designated time and keep her off the playground unless he is getting beaten up or is beating up other kids. An adult on the playground is a big no no for all kids, not just Aspies.


Most of all, get to know your child. Understand his world, it's a very strange and beautiful place. It's nothing to be afraid of. It's nothing to cure. Most of us have very rich worlds in our minds and that should be recognized and encouraged. Social skills aren't the only part of life. There is so much more. Figure out what he wants. He knows what he wants. If he doesn't want to socialize, don't force it. If he does, work with him to develop his skills. Just remember, he learns from the intelligence and not the emotional level. You have to be very literal about how you explain what he should do, when he should do that and why. Then, practice with him. This is how you teach all children social skills, you just have the added dimension of finding an alternate route to replace the subtle clues he'll miss. Again, it's not cookie cutter. Try different things with him until you find what clicks. That's the one you use. Basically, you want to be his Mary.

I would lose the aide at recess. and try and let him find friends on his own.

I used to work in a special ed class, and the kids who were with aides were treated more differently than the kids without.

it would also be good thing to find a 5th grader to buddy up with. we did that in our class, the older kids got credit for being a buddy to the special ed kids.

Last edited by calibaby on 31 Jan 2007, 10:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i taught 2nd graders for a TA position a year or so ago...we had special needs students in the classroom with their aides to help them participate in class...yes, i heard a few remarks from some of the students... as well as some looks... and "un-understanding" faces...but i also saw the for the most part, the students were helpful and respectful towrds these special needs kids.

that said, i think the classrooms had some prep before bringing these students in. it's a common practice at these elementary schools and so i think most of the kids have had some sort of experience with this sort of confrontation and that's good imo... cause that's what this is-a confrontation. lil kids don't know how to react to something different and with a little help, they can at least not get too set into the mode of rejecting ppl who are diff. if made aware of WHY other kids are different... kids can be very adaptive and at least try to be better towards others.

maybe talk with the teachers of the classrooms your child attends recess with (think it's usually the same group of kids) so that the teachers can talk some to their class. and i do remember seeing the aides kinda helping to direct questions (for their child) to the other students... i guess cause the kids are less likely to say no to an adult? if the aide knows the child on a more personal level, they can communicate to other kids more of what their kid likes/doesn't like. for example... if some kids are playing with toys ponies, the aide could come up and say, "_____ is really interested in ponies, can he/she play too?" it's helpful too if the aide can kinda get into the playing with the other kids as well and kinda serve as a bridge or something between the two parties;.

and i agree not to push your child too much to fit in perfectly... but keep at it... cause it is hard for the other kids in some respect too... they don't wanna be singled out for being diff towards your kid from the pack (so to speak)... but i think it's good to keep trying cause it helps everyone over all in the long run.

maybe it will even take some years, but hopefully the kids in your child's class (year) will becomed more accustomed to his/her ways and then be more accepting.

gl

An aide is good for in-school hours, but not for on the playground. Your son is going to get teased more if he constantly has an adult following him around than if he is on his own. The truth of the matter is that some people will tease him and make fun of him no matter what, so it is a good idea to teach him how to deal with it. Anyone who is significantly different than the crowd is subject to be picked on and it is best if your son understands this.

If you have taught him basic social skills, the quickest way to really learn them and their implications is to practice in a real situation. Scripts and role-plays of what to say and how to act can only go so far. Life isn't scripted and people do unpredictable (and irrational) things all the time. This may sound harsh, but sometime, he is going to have to learn how to deal with things on his own. If he doesn't learn now, learning in middle school or in high school will be a lot harder.

Please do your son a favour in the long-run and help him learn to deal with the unpredictableness of people.

Just to let you know, I come from a situation when I had social skills training, but no one constantly following me around. Yes, this can be harsh and it isn't easy, but it taught me a lot more about how people react than if I had someone always telling me what to do. Through my own mistakes, I learned about social skills and I was taught ways to continue learning about them, even to this day.

If you are on your own, you will learn to cope. Not pleasant, but the truth.

Same thoughts here. Lose the aide at recess. No adult can force other kids to like your kid. There is a social hierarcy in the schoolyard. If your child wants friends she has to make friends herself on her own terms. I had someone tell me she would pay other kids to come over to play with her AS son and he would just tell them go home or ignore them. Has it ever occurred to you that your child may not want friends? I am saying thing respectfully not disrespectfully.

Just realize you can't make your autistic child neurotypical. She will always be a little different even as she gets older and figures out more how to interact with others.

You also have to realize NT kids don't normally like anyone who seems different. Maybe the other kids don't want to play with her and having the aide around will make them start teasing her more. The other kids didn't want to pick me for schoolyard games like kickball because I was nerdy, too shy and physically awkward. It is a game but they do want to win and they pick the best team members to increase their chances of winning. They don't want someone on the team who can't kick the ball the right direction or is afraid to run bases.

Best thing is leave the child alone to be herself or put in an autistic classroom if such exists or homeschool.

Was their a child in the Special Ed class that had Aspergers? Normally they're not put into a special ed class.

Hi all. Hattieo is my wife, Ethan is my son. I have to say I feel incredibly torn by the aide thing. Sometimes I think they help, and sometimes I think they don't. The reality is that Ethan IS different socially. He doesn't need an aide in the classroom... he pays excellent attention, gets into discussions, and is very smart and capable in a *structured* situation. He only "needs" the aide on the playground. The way it works right now, the aide is able to "blend" a little bit, as both kindergartens at his school have aides, and they play with the kids at recess too. She doesn't specifically cling to him, but she is always around the group of kids he's around.

I'd ditch the aide if I thought it would help him, of course. But when the aide is not there, he plays by himself. Is that better? Judging from some responses here, maybe it is. I don't know. I keep thinking one day he will "get it," or the other kids will realize what little sh*ts they are being, and grow a conscience. But I don't think either of those things is simply going to happen.

When he is alone on the playground, he almost seems afraid to attempt to join into any games. I've watched from a distance as he walks towards a group of kids playing a game, then suddenly veers off when he gets close. He'll do this over and over again. It is hard to watch for me, because I know he *wants* to play, but he is afraid to initiate, or afraid he won't understand the game, or afraid he will be teased. And the truth is, those are all legitimate fears. He might try to initiate and be ignored or told that he "can't play." He might not understand the game; he can't track the changes in games very well, and at this age, kids are all about changing the game and adapting the rules on the fly. He might well be teased. Even at 5 and 6, I've seen kids giving each other looks when he talks, and making blatant fun of him, and of course, he rarely notices it.

More than anything, I wish I could change the world to fit him, but I can't. I do accept him and love him. To me, AS is what makes him who he is, and there is such a wonder about life that comes with him, and a pure joy with himself and the universe. I wouldn't change it--though I do feel like he needs to be able to understand the world, and the way it is, and the way that most people occupy it. It just makes me so angry that others can't see him the way I do.

And truly, it's been incredibly hard for my wife to accept; she'll be the first to admit it. She's very social, and from a family that values NT social skills and etiquette almost to ridiculous extremes. Having a child with AS has been incredibly difficult for her.

Maybe one day you and wife will "get it" that AS people do not always want or need to be around someone else. Many times we'd rather just be alone. Some of those kids may grow a conscience one day but they will probably be around 25 years old when that happens as that's when most people finally totally mature. By that time your son won't be playing on the playground.

He is probably watching the other kids play because he is 1) analyzing the structure and finesse of the game 2) checking out someone he thinks is cute in the playgroup or 3) analyzing social interactions between other people. Don't bother him when he is analyzing. That is how WE Aspies learn to deal with the world around us and try to make sense of it. I analyzed every moment of everyday. How else do you think we figure out how to go on to college and get a job and interact with the strange beings called NT's? He's observing; leave him alone. You are interferring with his progress by trying to force what you want on him.





Oh poor mother! She thinks just because she is social that makes her perfect and her son is imperfect. I think the thing that will harm your child the most mentally will be her and not the other kids. The child can escape the other kids on the playground if they start to taunt, but when you're little its hard to escape a parent until you get old enough to run away. Careful what you are doing parents or you will mold your Aspie into a hateful, rebellious, depressed monster who becomes more anti-social than you think he is now.


Learn to accept your child is different. He will always be different. Join a support group for parents of autistics and get over yourselves. You aren't going to cure him by forcing interactions with other kids. You can't cure him because he's not sick'; he's just different from most people and probably a very nice little person as he is.

Does he play alone by choice or because he tries and wants to play with other kids but is rejected by them? If it's the later situation then I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to try and help him with social interactions, though it's also quite possible that the presence of the aide is stigmatizing him even more with his peers. But if he just prefers being alone at times (or all the time), then it's not really necessary or prudent to try and force social interaction. You might want to keep in mind that school is often already hugely stressful for most ASD kids. He might actually need time to himself to decompress a bit.

When I was younger it was simply my natural inclination to play by myself on the playground. I didn't even realize that I was "supposed" to be playing with others until I heard my parents and other adults express concern about it, and from that point onward I was somewhat more concerned with "seeming normal" than I needed to be, I think. This began a rather long pattern of my forcing myself to somehow participate in social situations even though I often felt lost and wasn't really enjoying myself. There isn't anything wrong with being by oneself and enjoying it. It's better than ostensibly being part of a "group" and still feeling like a total outsider.

I do not know what to tell you. I always played alone, and in group activities where I had to interact with other kids I was excluded.

I've been excluded all my life. I still am and i'm an adult. I can't offer any advice sorry - I couldn't even help myself.