Asperger's, ADD, and identity issues

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Hi everyone. I just came across this website and I have a few thoughts and I guess I was hoping to find some relation or understanding from some of you. To start off, I'm a highschool girl and I have been recently diagnosed with ADD. Also, I'm not here for a diagnosis or anything, but I'm open to hearing any thoughts you might have.

I guess I'll start off with what brought me here. I recently learned that my cousin probably has Asperger's. This sparked me to do research on the subject and so I have read some about it. I noticed I shared a few characteristics, but the whole thing is kind of grey because of my suggested ADD. Earlier today, I brought my cousin up in conversation and my mom said it was funny because she was describing me to her friends at work and several asked if I was tested for Asperger's. They are nurses so they know at least a little bit about the syndrome. This brought me to doing more research and ultimately to this forum to get more information. I do understand if I want a real diagnosis I will have to go to my psychiatrist, but I have a hard time talking about myself especially in person, and I'm reluctant because I have a history of being criticized by many people of faking ADD and previous depression.

Recently I have been having trouble with my identity, I have a very strong desire to define myself -- taking personality and enneagram tests and trying to figure out my psychology/why I do certain things/who I am and why. Many, many, teenagers go through this, but I mention it because I don't believe many teenagers spend as much time as I have on the topic or even actively search themselves to find answers. I've tested as an INFJ (close to INTJ, though) on the MBTI and lean toward type 5 "The Observer" with a slight wing to type 4 on enneagram tests.

My biggest issue though is figuring out which parts of me are really natural and which are a "mask" or are forced. I almost have two completely different personalities. Sometimes I feel extremely social and I want to listen to energetic party music and talk about normal or typical topics, the rest of the time I am solitary, unemotional but not cold, and all I want to do is read nonfiction. As a disclaimer, I strongly believe I do not have a personality disorder as I have never noticed a loss of time and I am highly aware of the other side of me. Growing up, I was more of the social type, but despite wanting to socialize I am often told I am awkward and to be honest I never notice it myself but when pointed out I guess it is true. I used to be considered a sort of "class clown" type, I know I'm funny but I could sometimes say or do something without thinking it through and it would not typically be considered a socially normal action or thing to say. This is also a symptom of ADD. Besides being the class clown, I held the highest reading level in my grade and was captain of the Quiz Bowl team. I did and continue to get along with all different kinds of people, and looking back in elementary, middle and early high school I didn't have much of my own identity and was a people pleaser. I can't really tell if I was trying to fit in, but if this is this case then it was subconsciously programmed into me very early to behave in this way in order to fit in and appease those around me.

The story changes at the end of my sophomore year, because I couldn't take the feeling of being so uncomfortable in school. My best friend had recently been through a lot of terrible events, and sadly turned to drugs and started hanging out with other more troubled people. I didn't fit in with them, along with feeling wary being around drugs, and despite hanging out with a different group of people my entire freshman year, I was never able to bond with them. I felt so alone and begged my parents until they agreed to let me attend online high school. This past year, I have gotten to know myself better and enjoy this person I've ignored all my life. I've had more time to do things I want, and although I am alone until late afternoon every day, I have never been less lonely. I have the time and resources to do anything I want for hours and hours a day but I choose to spend it researching one of the several subjects that fascinate me. I perceived this as the ability many with ADD have to "hyperfocus". This is one of the few things that has remained consistent in me from childhood. I love learning and am very intelligent, but only in the few topics which interest me. I don't do well in school, and I've always been fascinated by people who could just sit down and study literature/etc... they didn't find particularly interesting. Again this is seen as ADD in me.

This has gotten so long and has taken forever to write so I'll end this post here. There is so much more to say but can anyone here relate? What are your thoughts hearing this? I guess some advice would be appreciated. I'm extremely analytical and get caught up in details and that's probably what I'm doing now (along with serious rambling, sorry). Also if you took the time to read all this, then seriously thank you -- I'm impressed

I read it. I think it's hard being a girl and having ADHD and having to pretend a lot to fit in. And it sounds like things may be better for you by slowing down and doing online school this year. Maybe you need time to be yourself and not have to pretend so much?

I read it too! I'm sorry you had to deal with people accusing you of 'faking' ADD. I have trouble understanding why anyone would fake any kind of condition, but that attitude seems all too common, and it's disheartening.

There's definitely some overlap between ADD and autism. I don't think it's possible to make any kind of conjecture one way or the other based on what you wrote above, but maybe hanging out here on WP will help you to come to a better understanding, and decide whether a professional diagnosis is worth looking into.

(I'm INFJ too by the way, and feel the same way about enjoying solitude without getting lonely!)

I guess it's just hard because I want to identify with having ADD or maybe Asperger's or just a regular person with these tendencies and I can't tell what I am. It irritates me that these disorders are so grey and not black and white. I guess I'll learn how to deal, but I think the reason I want to know is so that I can understand my behavior and get a better idea of who I am. Being told you are socially awkward when you don't realize it is hard for me to handle, maybe because I've always wanted to fit in and never considered having some type of ASD. I have always felt slightly different though. Anyways, now that I'm being myself, and not dealing with many outside people, my parent's think I'm depressed and that I need more socialization because "it's healthy". I have such a hard time explaining myself to them they don't take my word for it that I am okay. They say that experience tells them that people need to socialize more than I am currently in order to be healthy. My mom has offered for us to go to therapy together but explaining myself to a stranger would be even harder and I feel like I'll just ruin any chance of someone understanding me because I'll forget to say something or not say what I really want.

Understanding is built gradually. You don't have to get it right all at once.

Can relate to your post, especially the part of trying to fit in with people. Also, I'm a female INFJ myself.

It was from my knowledge that Autism is the opposite of ADD. The symptoms can overlap though. It is very possible for you to have been misdiagnosed with ADD as that is not uncommon.

You mention personality tests. This could very well be your special interest if you are indeed an aspie.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm interested in what you said about Autism being the opposite of ADD. Are there any online sources you know of to read about this? I mentioned a few of my habits which led me to being diagnosed with ADD, like "hyperfocus", being unable to focus on uninteresting subjects, and saying things or acting in ways that are not socially normal. From what I understand, these could also be seen as Asperger's symptoms.

Personality tests do interest me and I have many other interests I read about and as my parent's say "obsess over".

Another thing I think I should mention is that I honestly had no idea you could be unaware of being on the AS. Is it not entirely uncommon to go undiagnosed?

^^^
ASD and ADHD CAN occur together. They are not opposites! In the old diagnostic code they were mutually exclusive. That just means you couldn't be diagnosed with both conditions together not that they're opposites. In the current manual in North America, the DSM 5, they CAN be diagnosed together.

To the OP:

1) No one here is qualified to diagnose you. As WP member Fnord often says:

2) Having said #1: if I had to speculate based solely on what you posted, I'd guess that you don't have ASD as ASD requires a severe impairment in social interaction and social communication and it does not appear that you have that based on the bit of social history you described. Some adults with ASD can mask their social difficulties to a certain extent but if as a child you were a people pleaser, a class clown and generally got along with everybody , I'd say ASD is unlikely. Also you mentioned no problems with non-verbal communication and ASD requires severe impairment in non-verbal communication.
I'd further speculate from what you posted that you might indeed have ADHD and since you're diagnosed with it I have no reason to doubt that you do. The hyper-focus/lack of focus on boring tasks is very ADHD like. Also, you seem like you might be highly intelligent. Sometimes highly intelligent people get intense fixations on certain subjects, especially academic subjects. You also seem to be very self-reflective.

daydreamer84: Thanks for the reply. I haven't even gotten into the reasons I am suspicious on why I may have ASD other than the ones that line up with my ADD. I have been reading over the past few hours, and I have read in two separate places that is is possible for children and especially females with perhaps mild Asperger's to adopt a people pleaser/social chameleon attitude, which I will be looking further into and bringing up with my physician if I do speak with him about this.

As far as non-verbal communication goes, as a 7th grader in middle school I actually realized how inept I was at picking up body language so I actually researched and studied it for weeks. It never crossed my mind that this inability was odd.

I am very introspective, but this is a new trait.

My thoughts are often so disorganized and elaborate that hearing other people's opinions is kind of therapeutic, especially when they are able to take a big picture and make it simple.

I didn't quite list all the similarities I have with Asperger's for the reason you gave -- no one here would be able to give me a diagnosis.

To SuperDyl, I can relate to your search for identity. I also try to distinguish between the part of me that is genuine and the part of me that is a social image.

I agree with Waterfalls. I think the search for identity is a continuous one. We are more aware of it at certain times (like when we are teenagers or when we have a major life change or if we hit some kind of cultural milestone, etc.).

Glad you are here.

I can definitely relate with the wanting to fit in; for me it means repressing a lot of the stuff that other people might consider weird or awkward; and I was always sweet and people-pleasing, which really took a strain on me when I was about your age (I'm 30 now). I also didn't have a strong sense of self, and it took a period of introversion for me to become more introspective (if we're talking about Myers Briggs, I believe I'm an ESFJ or ISFJ, even though I always score as an N type on the test). I think things do get better as you get older; the key is to have a balance between introspection and other people's perspectives, so that you don't get too attached to one perspective. And sometimes, as other people have said, it helps to talk to other people in order to clarify one's on thinking.

SuperDyl, I think you're right to be suspicious about having an ASD; I think it's important to read about it and reflect on it further. At first, when I read the diagnostic criteria, I thought, "that can't be me," but then I realized that ASDs present differently depending on the person.

I read your post as well.
I was misdiagnosed with ADD as a teenager, so yes there can be some significant overlap of symptoms between AS/ASD & ADD, and many people on here have a dual diagnosis of both conditions.

Since AS was not an official diagnosis in the DSM until 1994, it's very common for older people to go undiagnosed.
It's also fair common for females to go undiagnosed, more so than males since the symptoms are often less obvious in females.
Afaik there are several threads related to that topic on this forum.

From what you've described in your initial post and your replies to others on here it seems very possible, even likely, that you're somewhere on the spectrum, though as others have mentioned the best thing to do is get a professional opinion, maybe more than one.

Thanks for sharing your story and experiences with us.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to the WP. I almost fell off my chair when you were talking about confusion between the acting you and the real you and wanting to meet that person who is really yourself because I relate to that sentiment so closely and have used almost that exact same language in posts here. I also find the grey areas and overlap frustrating.
We do have a teen section here. If you have not done so yet I would look at ADD forums then think about where you feel more comfortable here or there.

Aspergers Association of New England article "Is it Asperger's or ADHD?". I find their website is a very good resource.
http://www.aane.org/asperger_resources/ ... _adhd.html

This is a 10 minute video by a young Danish women talking about "acting" in a "neurotypical" world. It is a bit rambling and raw emotionally
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFxWdpuyY6o[/youtube]

If you do decide to get a professional diagnosis make sure you see a specialist who understands how ASD presents in females. That person may be hard to find and expensive but knowledge of about Aspergers and especially how it presents in females varies widely among psychologists who are generalists. Because of the sharp increase in Autism diagnosis that has centered around the "higher functioning" types there is widespread belief that it has been overdiagnosed leading to suspicion of people "faking it"

I appreciated watching that, and saw myself in it too. It's frustrating that those who think I don't look Aspie enough – they're seeing my public face, and if they saw how I behave when I'm alone... They'd see me stimming nonstop, pacing, muttering to myself, and obsessing over something that ought to appeal to a 6-year-old boy, not a 42-year-old woman.

(I tried reading the ADHD article you linked, but ironically couldn't get through it, due to... ADHD )

I have seen a lot of great material about Aspergers. Nothing has come as close to teaching me who I am and how I relate to the rest of the world then that video.

The article is not going anywhere