Do I Have Aspergers?

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Hi, my name is Sarah, I'm 22, and I think I might have Asperger's. Could someone please help me understand if this is AS or not?

I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO DISJOINTED...I WAS REMEMBERING ALL THESE RANDOM DIFFERENT THINGS. PLEASE BEAR WITH ME!

Background:
I have always had trouble making and keeping friends, although I desperately long for friendship. When I was little I was very very shy. I used to hide behind my mom if we saw someone we knew at the store even in middle school. What's weird I actually can relate to people...I have a few very close friends. I can read people very well nowadays...facial expressions, body language, etc. But I used to, I think, "be in my own head" a bit...as in be somewhat oblivious to people's reactions to our interactions. Looking back I can tell people were bored with some things I would say. I would kind of talk endlessly and it would be very stream of consciousness but I was very absent minded because of my ADD.

I had problems "staring into space." One teacher thought I was having "absent seizures" and called a conference with my parents (this was fourth grade). I wasn't. I always had trouble focusing. I would "stare" and "blank out of reality" since I was in pre-school....when I got around 19 it got a lot better where I can focus more, but not completely. I notice in some pictures I have a blank stare...but I was very self-conscious too and did not want my picture taken. When I was little (from preschool to right before puberty) I used to want to be the opposite gender and could relate more to boys...this may be a part of me being gay, though ( I am not out yet to anyone accept one guy friend). I am much more "girly" now. Before sophomore year of high school, I never bothered with makeup or doing my hair. That is a big contrast to my younger sister (one year younger) who is very feminine and pretty (she is also straight). She was very popular in high school, where as I would find myself getting closed out of groups because sometimes I just wouldn't talk to my friends (I have had steady bouts of depression my whole life) and hiding many lunches in the bathroom.

What's weird is I am actually the first to usually understand a joke, crack a joke, or have a quick/witty comeback that everyone finds funny...it has always been this way. Even in elementary school. I know people genuinely think I'm funny. I can easily tell when someone is being fake toward me, condescending, making fun of me, etc. But in middle school I was picked on A LOT for my looks (no make up, weird nose, chubby, same ponytail since kindergarten...I was afraid, or rather, felt uncomfortable to change my hair because I didn't like femininity or attention on my looks). I was very withdrawn. I was alone a lot, though I had some close friends and got along with a most people quite well. But I was made fun of endlessly by the popular kids in a lot of situations. I developed SEVERE Social Anxiety and was selectively mute. I had a ton of trouble making and keeping eye contact (I had several people ask me why I didn't as it frustrated them), . But other times I had friends....like when I was comfortable... There were some popular girls who bullied me in first period P.E. in my 8th grade year...basically all year they bullied me until I sat next to one of them in sixth period at the end of the year and we started talking and joking around (we became really good friends in high school freshman year). In 8th grade, I actually made my best friend, we'll call her Kate, who I still have today. Kate is completely extroverted, social, the VP of her sorority, really pretty etc...we are still very close of course. She introduced me to another girl, we'll call her Taylor, who is my other best friend...they ended up going to a different high school and I felt very out of place at mine. Even with Kate, though...there were times when I was "too much" for her during high school and she could only handle me "in small doses." (Taylor and I are both more introverted and have always been fine actually.) I made other friends through them who didn't go to my school....I always got along with them better than people I went to school with. I was really scared about not having friends...I wanted to fit in and be cool. I did drugs and drank and I was accepted by a lot of "cool" kids. In high school I started wearing makeup and trying to do my hair...still it was kinda messy and not right (I recently got it right, tbh. I looked at my girlfriends and mirrored them and "learned" style.)

I've had problems with lying, especially when I was little. Making up crazy stories....the worst one happened in elementary school (I was maybe in 2nd grade). I was walking with my friends and we saw some adult walking and idk how it happened now but we were joking that he had a gun...and I said I saw him have a gun....(this was before 9/11) and basically the whole school went into a mini frenzy and we got called into the principals office....I panicked even more and said I saw him get in a pickup truck and drive away...I'm really ashamed of this whole thing now and even then a bit...but I sort of liked it. I even tried to manipulate my friends and get them to say they saw it too. The school believed I was telling the truth, but thought it was probably a cell phone that I mistook for a gun. Idk. I really hated lying but I'd just do it a lot. About everything it seemed. I made up stories all the time. Like once I said a dove landed on my arm...why??? This type of lie was a constant thing. I am so embarrassed. That gun incident was definitely the worst lie I have ever told, though. I've gotten a lot better where I never tell lies unless I need an excuse to cover up a personal problem or something....just white lies and infrequently.

Anyway, more background to my life: I was really badly abused by my father and mother. They were extremely violent, mentally, and emotionally abusive with me and my sister growing up. My dad was 51 when he had they had me....I don't think he realized how hard it would be at that age. I wont go into detail, but I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety because of my childhood and teenage years....I'm sure those experiences hindered my mental and social development to a degree.

My mom told me this story of how I had a friend over and wanted to jump out of a box to scare her instead of play....

I always had imaginary play with friends (I never had imaginary friends). We'd make up play and stories and just creative stuff. But I think I was somewhat bossy. I've always felt my social skills are like 2-3 years behind most people my age....like I'm not at the same level as them....but sometimes with people I'm close to I feel totally in sync. I also used to like to build things with legos....one of my guy friends in elementary school had a small motor and we (more so he) made a toy car with a spinning blade once and got in a ton of trouble.

Sometimes I talk to myself when I'm lonely.

I have obsessed over girls whom I've "fallen in love with" to the point where I was so blinded I almost thought we were in a relationship....or that I had a chance....and misconstrued things and signals in my head to fit what I wanted. I really went overboard with this one girl and I could tell she was so f***ing sick of me looking back. I've had relationships with guys and never really liked them. I'm definitely gay but still finding the right time to come out.

In middle school, I can look back and see that a few people who were really nice to me, felt bad because I was so awkward. They were embarrassed by me and weren't really my friend.

Something I should add is people have asked or accused me (and correctly so) of being a lesbian...this was in middle school.

I should also add that although I was bullied, I also bullied people sometimes when I was with my friends. I was never horrible, but I did do it. I would more so make fun of people behind their backs to friends.

I do this thing sometimes when I'm nervous....if I'm with a group of people whom I don't know or if I feel left out....I just stand awkwardly and smile and don't contribute. Sometimes I don't know where to put my arms...I fidget with my hands. I also bite the insides of my lips and cheeks when I'm nervous or thinking (doing it right now).

I have tons less trouble with eye contact now....I can do it fine for the most part...like 98% of the time. But I am still very shy around new people my age....not older people or younger kids though. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly being judged....this has gotten better over the years because I haven't been bullied in a while.

My eyes are VERY sensitive to light. So are my moms. We are both dyslexic where we see words move and when we're really tired they fuzz/blur out. When we both went through puberty (15-17) we'd see objects distort and move....I was at a store and I saw boxes move...their edges were all "jumpy." I'm very sensitive to florescent lights....my mom says she isn't. I am sure I have Irlen Syndrome, though I haven't had a formal diagnosis.

My sister who is like a model....pretty, popular, amazing figure etc. is very cold to me and very judgmental and is physically violent with me and my mom.

My family is actually very physically violent in general.....I am always the last one to engage and it's usually after I've been hit, spit on, and screamed at too many times to the point where I just snap and retaliate.

I do NOT feel a need for routine and never have.

I am clumsy in social situations sometimes. I also sometimes have poor spacial awareness.

I am very empathetic. I am a vegan and an animal rights supporter.

I am very quick witted....usually how I make friends. My sense of humor has actually saved my life I think because it's like the one safe way I feel that I can communicate with new people. I can read people and the situation extremely well and know exactly what to say to make them laugh. People constantly tell me that I'm hilarious. Tons of people say that I need to be a stand-up comedian, comedy writer, etc. I don't have a weird brand of humor. I get jokes, I get sarcasm, I don't take things literally. I am very sarcastic.... I kind of "mind-f**k" people sometimes, especially if I can completely read them. Still, I can be very intimidated by people. People I went to middle school with that I haven't seen in years I'll have a panic attack and can't talk to them. Sometimes people from high school too. It's more the people who I went to school with....who I feel know my awkwardness back then who I can't function around. Yeah. I feel like I mask my awkwardness a lot now. And I've matured.

I have acid reflux....this has been brought on by me gaining 30 lbs over 5 years!! (I should weigh 125lbs but I weigh 155!! !) I am losing weight now and go to the gym. My acid reflux is gone if I stay away from onions, garlic, coffee, fatty foods. I ate a lot of junk, even though I am a vegan. Tons of bread...
Besides this, I don't have any GI issues (except when I was severely dehydrated in high school one time) or any food allergies.

I cannot think of any obsessions I have. I don't collect data or anything. I'm in love with the band The Cure, though, and have been since middle school.....they were an escape for me, so I know a ton about them and the band's history, etc. But there are other bands that I know some info about as well....not as much. I only have like 2 posters of them and never put them up...I think I threw them away a couple of years ago when I was cleaning my room. I've been obsessed with girls, like I said before, and I've stalked their facebooks (ranging from intensely/obessively to browsing/just checking up), but I feel weird. Since maybe 18 I haven't done that stuff because I feel too creepy and I feel ashamed and like I'm violating their lives and privacy.

I want to have interpersonal relationships but at the same time I can get bored of people sort of easily.

BY THE WAY my sister has had some trouble keeping friends, but never making them. She is very catty so I'm sure that has something to do with it. She is not awkward at all.

I have been diagnosed with ADD, Social Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety, PTSD, and an auditory processing disorder (frequently I can't hear someone talking because of background noise....I hate shopping because of this and fluorescent lights...they are very over stimulating and I get very fatigued.)




Thank you so much for reading this!! ! I'm so sorry it's all over the place.

Last edited by privateale on 14 Apr 2014, 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Compare your symptoms to the diagnostic criteria.

I have. I fit some criteria but not others.

The diagnostic criteria tell you how many of which symptoms you need to be diagnosable. No one here can give you any better information than that.

Oh, don't thank me, I didn't read all that and I'm a king of long, rambling posts.

You cannot get a diagnosis of a neurological disorder from a bunch of strangers on the Internet and you shouldn't even try. There are several online tests that can give you a ballpark idea, but only an evaluation from a professional Psychologist can make it official. The social issues and personality quirks are ultimately only manifestations of a physical impairment in the brain involving sensory processing, and there are specific clinical tests to measure that.

Also keep in mind that the diagnostic criteria in the DSM are written for identifying AS/HFA in children, and things that are common attributes of autism in childhood do not appear the same in adults. Mental Health professionals who are trained and experienced in diagnosing autism in kids often totally miss it in adults, because they fail to recognize that adults learn things like eye contact as a coping mechanism, to survive in the real world, even though it doesn't come naturally and may make us quite uncomfortable - or that while we may take things too literally as small kids and have trouble identifying sarcasm and humor, we're not stupid and we do figure those things out as we grow up. Some of us have a highly developed sense of humor - I made my living with mine for decades, talking into a microphone in a closed radio studio, but I'm still socially inept with real live people. So when seeking a diagnosis, make sure you ask for someone with experience working with autistic adults.

Some things do not fit. Like when you say you are imaginative. Personally, I also cannot lie. I had to learn how to. I can't diagnose you, so if you think you are experiencing some type of disorder, try to get an appointment with a doctor. Preferably a psychologist or psychiatrist, who can test you for Asperger's or any other type of neurological or mental illness that could explain your symptoms. Although I will tell you, some of your symptoms sound like what my doctor used to tell me were the criteria for a Borderline PD when I was younger and was thought to have that. But again, I'm not a doctor.

Edit-- forgot about the part where you mentioned PTSD and Social Anxiety. That could also account for your symptoms. But really, I know next to nothing about all this, as I am not a doctor. Just trying to answer your question.

Last edited by Minionkitty on 14 Apr 2014, 7:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

My advise; Read Tony Attwood's book and seek out a reputable therapist or psychologist with years of experience and a specialization in aspergers. Aspergians have a cognitive profile that's generally overlooked by the public and difficult for most people to understand; the way the ADHD profile was for the general public before they became familiar with it; living it then reading about it in Attwood's book will help you understand it; there's more to aspergers than being a loner and having an obsession with baseball cards, and you won't find that out from your top 5 hits on a google search.

Last edited by PaulHubert on 14 Apr 2014, 7:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.

This is good advice; with the diagnostic criteria, one should focus on childhood or lifelong symptoms, one's behavior before learning artificial coping strategies, and how one behaves when not faking.

To quote Fnord's tag line, only a trained, qualified mental Heath professional can make an ASD diagnosis.

Welcome to Wrong Planet

being a girl with Autism is actually significantly different than a boy with autism

1 in 4 people on the spectrum is a girl, And most girls dont get diagnosed until later in life because theyre always trying to adapt and hide theyre lack of social skills.

do some research on Specifically Girls with aspergers.

no one can diagnose you, you need to see a specialist and get evauated.

even a simple opinion is enough for some people.

diagnoses, knowing or not your always welcome to wrong planet.

lots of people with aspergers are creative, imaginative and playful, i have met many personally, hell im one of them. back and forth imaginative play can be difficult though. i had A LOT of trouble playing imaginativlty with another kid. but i knew how to use my imagination.

girls are found to be more creative and imaginitive

I strongly agree.

If you want simple speculation based on your post however, I would say it's very unlikely you have an ASD because being able to read people including their non-verbal cues , make and understand jokes and successfully lie and manipulate people since childhood contraindicate the diagnosis. All those things show good social cognition and lack of the type of social impairment normally seen in autism. However it seems like you have been through a lot (abuse and bullying etc.). I do think that if you're having problems functioning in life right now or are distressed then it's worth talking to a mental health professional about it.

As others have specified, we can't diagnose you here, however, based on the symptoms you describe, I'm not sure you quite meet the criteria for AS. Empathy, a good grasp of humour/sarcasm/non-literalness, strong imagination/lying, and being able to read people are all things that, in general, aspies are, by definition, bad at. Coupled with your claim that you have no real special interest (clinical studies have shown 90-100% of autistics have at least one special interest), I think you'd be better off seeking a different diagnosis, though the ones you have already seem to fairly well cover your childhood trauma and history.

However, ZombieBride is correct, and autism does manifest itself slightly differently in females than in males. A few good female-centric autism books to look at include, "Pretending to be Normal" by Liane Holliday Willey, "AspgerGirls" by Rudy Simone, and "Asperger's in Pink" by Julie Clark. More generally throughout the genre, I'd recommend, "Quirky, Yes, Hopeless, No" by Cynthia La Brie Norall (this one is about children specifically, but it will give you a good backdrop to compare your own childhood history with), "Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence" by Teresa Bolick (less about being on the spectrum and more about how to make being on the spectrum easier), and "The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome" by Tony Attwood.

If you are still in contact with any of the psychs who gave you your previous diagnoses, they would be good people to talk to. If you're in college, your psychology department might be able to offer you evaluation services for reduced cost based on your income; that's how I got my diagnosis. Diagnosing autism, either self or professionally, takes a lot of time, research and work, but a successful result makes it all worthwhile. Good luck, whichever direction that takes you.

Last edited by StarTrekker on 15 Apr 2014, 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You have a background and experiences that could offer explanations for your difficulties in ways that do not necessarily include autism. My daughter was very shy as a child but is now very outgoing and totally NT. We were generally not around other people a lot when she was little (because of me) so it led to her being shy, until we moved to be near my family.

If I were to make a bet, then I would bet you were not autistic. You said things that were inconsistent, and even your style of language has some red flags to me. Not many people on this site use 'tbh' or 'idk'. Having said that, autistics are variable so that observation proves nothing. I know what they mean but don't like to use them, but, no doubt, some aspies may. I am no expert, it is only my opinion.
As was said, only a suitable professional can diagnose you.

Other things you have said cause me to doubt, but I don't want to specify. You seem to need some help, and the best way to get useful help is to get a correct diagnosis. You should be wanting the truth. I would hate for you to be influenced by too much information and convince yourself that you have something, only to go and present biased information to whomever you see. Of course, they test you, not just ask for info. They are sneaky - I went through a series of activities and I eventually figured out what some of them were testing for, but others I still don't know.
Do not be afraid to get a second opinion if you are not convinced by your professional. They can be wrong. They should be able to tell you things about the condition they think you have, that you did not tell them, and it should feel right to you.

Of course, if you read around on this site for a while, you might get a feel for what it is all about which might be enough. Not everyone bothers with a diagnosis. I did - I needed the clarity, and it helped.
Good luck.

I just wanted to say.... be thankful you are getting help for whatever ails you when you are so young.

Mental health issues aren't the scarlet letter they were back when I was your age (I'm almost 53 and have a 24yo son)

I can tell you firsthand that being in a family that doesn't 'get you' is toxic. I've been that little girl.

I've also been the parent to an amazingly strong willed son who is blessed NOT to have any of his mother's (me) issues.

I hope you find your answers

You're probably right, I'm just going off personal experience. Sorry.