Why dont you make eye contact

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apparently there are a lot of different reasons why people with ASD dont make eye contact, whats yours?

for me, its hard to listen and look at the same time, and also i forget i even have to.

sometimes i forget to listen and just end up staring and miss a word the person is saying! it can be very frustrating

I chose: Its hard to listen to what a person says and look at them at the same time

For me, conversation requires too much multi-tasking. You are supposed to listen to what the other individual is saying and how they are saying it (i.e. tone). You are supposed to look at them in the eye. You are supposed to watch their facial expressions and body language.

You then are supposed to put all of this together, to interpret the message (and supposedly, figure out the emotion that other individual is feeling at that moment in time). It is extra complex, because the content of what was said, the tone for how it was said and the facial expression and body language could conflict. In that case, you are supposed to figure out what the intent of the message is. You even want to figure out what they are really thinking.

Then, you are supposed to put all of this together and then figure out whether and how to respond. And, when responding, somehow your tone, facial expressions and body language should have a “purpose”. All in a split second.

To me, that is way too complex. Which is why I simplify the process by focusing on being explicit and clear with the language itself. I spend so much effort focusing on the words, I don’t even try to read the facial expressions.

my discomfort with eye contact stems from a combination of factors:

a) it's hard to look at a person's face and hear what they are saying at the same time, it's just easier to pay attention if i look away, usually at a blank surface like a wall or the floor--then i can concentrate on their words;

b) people say more than they think they do with their eyes--and what they're saying with their eyes often contradicts what they're saying with their words, which contributes to factor a);

c) i lack the moment-to-moment intuitive gauge of timing for such things, so i know i will look too long or too briefly, which makes me anxious and the activity unpleasant; and

d) it's a form of intimacy i find uncomfortable unless i already know the person very well and know what i am going to see when i look in their eyes.

I can and do make eye contact. When someone is talking to me I tend to look at their mouth since their lips are moving. No reason to and I don't really do it consciously.
Sometimes I just look at their face as a whole, eyes and all.

Mostly, It's hard to listen to what a person says and look at them at the same time.

I'm picking up on signals from their eyes, but I understand it slower then their speed of talking. It's like watching a film where the visual and the aural are increasingly out of synch. It throws me off. Mostly I have to turn an ear to them and look slightly down toward the floor, occasionally closing my eyes. This attempt to be sure of paying attention has often been taken as dismissive and rude. It's enough to make me tut with exasperation.

Also, though, it is incredibly intimate. Because it doesn't happen in the instant but I have to be more consciously aware of it, it feels, well, like what it is - I am very aware of something about this person's inner experience that I am not being verbally/vocally told. Like, say, they dropped a private note, and I go to pick it up for them but can't help but see what's written as I do so.

A combination of the first two.

Is it only this when locking eyes? Or, do you feel this way when you are looking at their eyes, but they are looking somewhere else?

If the former, do you think it is simply because you don't do that often? That is, if you deliberately practiced, it would get easier?

Just curious.

I chose "Its hard to listen to what a person says and look at them at the same time"

Which is true.

But there is no option for "It hurts my soul to look into their eyes", or "it's too painfull".

Which is also true for me.

All of the first four. I can force myself to make eye contact, but wont unless I want to.

Beyond being confusing and hard. I see little point I don't personally get any value out of looking at people and ther flickering expression s and hand when talking..
I don't understand why this is so important to normal people, like they can get angry at you if you don't.

I listen better when I don't have to look at people.

But that's just me.

I'm the kind of person that even hates to look myseldbin the eyes, I sit with my eyes closed when getting hair cut.

I can be really good with eye contact but sometimes I can listen and focus better if I don't. Especially if I am upset it's easier for me to listen sometimes if I look somewhere else. But sometimes when I am in real distress I can lock on to the eyes of someone I trust. It's like a safety line.

For me, making eye contact just doesn't feel natural. If I look people in the eye, I feel like there is some force moving my eyes away from that person. It's that strong.

It just doesn't come to me naturally. It was sort of hammered into my head in my early elementary school years, and I do try to maintain eye contact in order to not look weird, but it still feels kind of creepy and unnatural. It is also kind of difficult to listen to someone and maintain eye contact at the same time, though this may just be because I have trouble listening to people in the first place instead of letting my thoughts wander and becoming focused on other random things.

Continue to next post, please.

Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 06 May 2014, 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm just the opposite of most autistics - I have the direct-eye gaze. I have absolutely no problem with looking directly at someone or having them look at me. If someone is watching me, I'm almost always comfortable with that.

Having direct-eye gaze people in the same room with avoidant gaze people is really tough for the adaoidants. I'm likely to drop out of a local autistic group because of that. I have a negative affect on some of the members.

People aren't worth looking at.

But if they are, well I will then.