Not wanting to socialise

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Do you enjoy socialising?

I am told that people with aspergers do enjoy being social but that they just don't know how to go about it.

Personally, not being sure if I am on the spectrum or not, I do not always enjoy being social. There are occassions but I tire very quickly as I find it to be very hard work. Keeping a conversation going and not being able to sit quietly with my own thoughts when I need/want to takes a lot of energy out of me as does keeping up with what is going on socially, trying to figure out what people want from me or where I stand with them, dealing with their somewhat negative belief systems (always making everything into a problem or all about them...ie if you are quiet it must be because you don't like them and not because you just don't have anything to say or want to sit with your own thoughts for a moment), the constant pressure to have to keep a conversation running for the sake of it, being expected to know what they are thinking or feeling, any noise that might be around or distracting, trying not to wander off back to thinking about my hobbies or interests and trying to stay with the conversation.

Not to mention other things such as people making assumptions about you, people making accusations about you, people being paranoid about you, people gossiping about you and being overly judgmental without really knowing what is going on and people not understanding the most basic of concepts when you try to explain it to them.

I have lost the will to want to talk to people these, I fail to see any point to it. All it seems to be is drama and stress and one misunderstanding after another. Once upon a time I wanted to fit in socially but things being the way they are why put effort into it?

I am not allowed to be myself. I have to find nonsense chit chat about big brother fascinating but am not allowed to be fascinated by the paleo diet, how our ancestors ate, needle crafts, sharks and more recently collecting antique pocket watches. Yet they are repeatedly allowed to point out to me how they find going to a museum boring.

If I say I find chit chat boring, which most of the time I do (chit chat for the sake of chit chat...i get no enjoyment from talking to strangers just for the sake of having a natter in and of itself...I only ever seek out social interaction when I am seeking someone to bond with. If I have enough people that I share bonds with in my life I desire only to socialise with them and have no interest in being social just for the sake of being social. I only require one or two bonds to be satisfied in my life so have no need for a large social circle) then I am being offensive apparently.

It does not seem fair. I am not allowed to be my natural self at all.

I am assuming that as I do not desire constant social interaction or enjoy it I must have something other than Aspergers becasue people on the spectrum are far to social for me. I am researching other things. Perhaps it is schizoptypal personality disorder or borderling personality disorder.

The fact that I have sensitivities (especially when growing up such as difficulty with clothing labels and certain materials) and that I love my hobbies might be misleading my therapist to think it is an ASD.

I do not fit ASD as I cannot enjoy being social, except with a few select people that I am bonded with or would like to develop a bond with in the future. I have no desire or interest in interacting socially oustide of that. Something else must be wrong with me.

I enjoy being social for reasons. There are many times where I want to avoid or escape from socialization for reasons.

So really it depends.

I don't believe socialization with others is especially a priority with most people on the Spectrum. Especially the Neurotypical mode of socialization, involving subtle cues, certain conversational subjects, and confirmation of a certain group mentality.

If you research what people say on this site, they frequently say what you say. Obviously, most people on this site are on the Spectrum.

I'm not sure if I'm Aspergian or not--I am almost sure I am to some degree. Socialization is a very tiresome thing for me, at times, even though I do need the companionship of persons at times. Most of the time, I am content to socialize online, or to just not socialize at all, except with the forest and the trees.

Have you made any Mousterian tools yet?

Since I retired from work and gave up driving, I have become dependent upon public transport - you should try it!

On the buses, lots of people are looking for a short and inconsequential chat. On the buses, I am learning a very great deal about social interaction!

See this is where I differ from some on the spectrum in that I like to be left alone on the bus for various reasons.

1 It can be noisy with everyone talking at once and I can't always hear what people are saying over the engine and background noise.

2 Movement is relaxing for me, but making chit chat is not. I like to relax into the journey and I cannot do that when people are expecting me to make conversation.

3 I like to sit quietly with my thoughts and ponder. I am a reflective learner and rarely learn via rote memorisation alone. I need to understand the material I am working with and how it relates to what I already know. Learning is the love of my life and I hate being disrupted from my own learning related ponderances when i don't feel like it.

Riding a bus that is not crowded makes for good think time for me and I will tend to avoid sitting next to anyone so people don't mess with my experience and start yapping at me.

This is not to say I don't have moments where I feel social, I do. Unfortunately it's not enough for this society as people in general seem to be incredibly socially needy. I can't keep up with that and become distressed at ending up too tired and worn out from the social interaction required of me to be able to spend time learning and pursuing my hobbies.

I get so excited when I think about learning about things that are fascinating to me but get a sinking feeling in my gut when I think about having to socialise.

Last edited by bumble on 21 May 2014, 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have not yet no, but I want to find several early settlements sites that I cannot remember the name of but I know are interspersed around the Norfolk area and I'd like to use some tools in some art work or do some paleo themed art work when I get time.

At the moment I am stressed out with the job center and their 'work related activity'. I really wanted to go back into education or self employ, not settle down to a life of stocking the shelves at tesco or on some customer service desk with people complaining at me about things all day, which is the direction the job center seems to want to push me in.

I either want to do the Archaeology, Anthropology and Art history degree at the UEA, start my own independant design company designing my own art work and selling it in my own store or on to anyone who wants to buy it (free lancing) or become a piano/flute/violin teacher (which i am a long way from doing as I am just learning how to play said instruments myself, which I will do eventually but it is an idea for the future is all).

Other ideas I was toying with include an eating outlet or cafe where people can buy dairy and gluten free foods or rather paleo foods (it is so hard to find places that don't cross contaminate their food with wheat), a sort of paleo cafe, restoring and selling pocket watches or doing a different degree and getting involved in conservation (part of the reason I don't like using chemicals and electrical gadgets in my life is that I feel we are polluting the environment and I am trying to reduce my carbon footprint by living a simpler more basic life which I also feel is physically healthier for human beings anyway. Also I'd like to get invovled in campaigns to stop shark finning and similar as we are driving many species of shark to the brink of extinction. I still think they are beautiful fascinating creatures so maybe I could do some art work with those kinds of themes as well).

Ergo why I wanted to do a pottery class. I wanted to make and paint clay models of all 500 or so species of shark begining with the 35 or so found in British waters such as the Porbeagle shark which is a relative of the great white.

I may indulge and do skates, rays and chimeras as well.

Another option i was considering was photography as with the right programs pictures can be edited and turned into cross stitching charts.

I also had some ideas for some home furnishings such as cushions and also a range of hand decorated shoulder bags and matching purses which I need to use my sewing machine to create (I have one, but it's presently collecting dust on my work desk).

Alas i need to update my training. I am not yet confident in my skill set when it comes to art and design as although I have a number of ideas in mind and can see in my head what I want to create I am new to the area (excluding cross stitching which I've done since around the age of 30) and still have much to learn about it.

The job center, however, seems to be determined to waste my time in other directions.

If you go to school or get a job in an area of your interest, then you may meet more people with similar interests or personality traits and socialize with them easier.

I always presumed that I was extremely introverted but have recently began to discover it's just that I desire deep, meaningful interaction. That's almost impossible to find outside of a spouse these days and unfortunately you have to get through steps to get to that point that include boring small talk. I'm an incredible good friend and partner but I struggle dealing with the 'introductory' phase of socializing, which probably explains why I have 0 of both right now.

I hardly ever talk to anyone for more than a minute but I had a coworker who I had a 4 HOUR conversation with that I thought was about 30 minutes long. Just hard to find anyone I can share a deep connection with.

I'm an American, so I don't know the British systems of things.

Would JobCentre Plus, or some other agency, pay for you go for your Master's (I think you have a Bachelor's)? That would get you away from having to stock shelves at Tesco.

Were there much in the way of Neolithic settlements in Norfolk?

http://www.eaareports.org.uk/

Thanks, Bumble!

I would forget about those idiot blokes and gals. Don't react to them. I think they like to observe your reaction.

You paint your walls like those cave paintings from France and Spain, especially those at Altamira.

When I was younger, I used to react violently to people teasing me. I would be laughed at. Over the years. I learned to just ignore the scum***s.

By English standards, Norfolk is a fairly remote county, and the county town is Norwich. It is said that Norwich birth certificates were sometimes annotated with the comment 'NFN' which meant 'NormalForNorwich'. More recently, I have seen a suggestion that a HighFive is rarely seen in the area - it's usually a High6 or a High4.

Bumble - you need to understand that people who visit museums are very often mostly interested in having a 'new' topic of conversation at their next dinner party. An Aspie would be quite likely to spend days and days researching a suitable topic of conversation for a dinner invitation that could not be avoided.

It is not easy to say which of the two is behaving 'autistically'.

I do enjoying socialising, but I do find it hard and uncomfortable.

http://www.literarynorfolk.co.uk/normal_for_norfolk.htm

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.p ... %20Norfolk

Oh dear lol

Well it's not just me that finds the locals a little on the slow side then. I thought i was losing my marbles.

I don't originate from around here, I am from the Midlands (Cheltenham and then Worcester). I have been trapped in this wilderness with the um, locals, now for some 5 years and have to say, aside from the beautiful countryside and coast, I am miserable.

Hate it basically. Gossipy, unfriendly, slow (and I am not being nasty, people here are not exactly the smartest I have come across) and weirder than they think I am.

I am moving out of the area when I have funds to do so.

Not all people with ASD enjoy socializing.
People with ASD are both extraverts and introverts, even if all of them might look introverted due to their disorder. Extraverts like socializing and being with others; introverts prefer to be alone.
My brother (LFA) is an extravert.
Me and my father look introverted but we are actually extraverted.
I find most people boring because they talk about boring things and this is why I look like an introvert around most people. But when a person shares my interests and is interesting to talk to you would never say I look like an introvert. I enjoy socializing only with interesting people.
Same goes with my father.
Of course I have not much troubles anymore while chit chatting about stuff I am not really interested in. It comes naturally to me now.
On the bus I listen to music with my eraphones like I do in every other noisy place not to have a meltdown. Once a man started talking to me and that creeped me out. I thought he was a pedophile or something (I was 13).