Am I a heartless monster?

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On another forum a woman has posted about losing her beloved dog. The dog was in for an elective operation to try and improve his breathing, but apparently the tech was napping on the job and the dog died in the meantime. She is distraught and inconsolable. I sort of want to post something to say how sorry I am, but every time I've tried I've sounded more stilted than a piece of stilton, so I haven't posted anything yet.

She does have loads of other sympathetic posts, so it's not like she's alone.

This is where the heartless monster bit comes in. I've only had one dog in my life and when he died, I didn't cry over him over at all. Maybe it was made easier by the fact he was 15 years old and hadn't recognised any of us for two years - he was senile in his last years. However, there wasn't a massive dog-shaped hole in my life afterwards.

I find myself a teensy bit envious of this woman in a way, in that she clearly adored her dog. I like dogs, don't get me wrong. But liking seems a bit tepid and cold-hearted: if ever I got another dog, I'd like to really bond with it. Apparently there is such a thing as an autism support dog, but they seem to only be available for children with autism... =/ The only reason that matters is because whatever flat I move into, pets very likely won't be allowed. However, presumably there are exceptions made for support dogs...

At least the person has had many responses. Maybe the best thing to do is to merely confirm what the others are saying.

It is screwy that that tech napped during surgery, in view of how much vets frequently charge.

I'm not sure what you can do.

Is there any way you can negotiate to have pets?

I think the woman is right to be pissed off about it: I would be! Particularly if the dog's life could have been saved if the tech had been awake. In fact, now I think about it, I'd probably refuse to pay that vet a penny and ask him to implement a policy of not letting assistants nap on the job in future - even if it's 4am.



Maybe I could have a hamster? :-/

Not sure. I won't know until I try. Considering the studies that shows how good pets are for people's well-being, the widespread no-pets rule pisses me off. Why can't an old woman have a cat, ffs? I'll be that old woman soon enough... >.>

You don't sound like a heartless monster to me.
Re service dogs in apartments: We have an autism service dog and I've found that they don't make exceptions. The no pet rule is more for cleanliness reasons, which it being a service dog doesn't eliminate. It may be that rules vary by place, but regardless, autism service dogs are extremely expensive so unless you have a specific job for the dog (other than be your companion) you'd probably be better off with a regular dog anyway. But we've found rental places that allow pets fairly easily- just by narrowing our search only to places that do.

I was only "diagnosed" just over twelve months ago. Prior to that I used to work really hard to appear "normal", showing sympathy and empathy as and when necessary, when the reality was was that it was just a show/pretend.

Mentally my aspie logic would kick in. If reading about someone feeling so depressed they were contemplating suicide, internally I would think "go for it, there are seven billion people on the planet, lots more like you so won't miss one". When I see ads for World Vision on the box showing starving kids in Africa, my thoughts run to "feed them this year so they can starve next year - that's an exercise in futility".

When, on another forum, they were discussing the Middle East, I suggested they build a 20ft high barbed wire fence around the whole area and leave them to fight it out amongst themselves. Then when the fighting had died down, the West should go in finish off the rest as they were most likely to have committed war crimes in order to win. And my favoured form of government anywhere would be a benign dictatorship modified by assassination.

Heartless me ! !! No way, I'm just a logical aspie.

Thanks, WelcomeToHolland.

Just a wild, crazy guess, but do you live in Holland by any chance? <_<.

I'm in the UK and applying for social housing, so basically my options are very limited. Think I'm stuck unless I can find the one place in a hundred which relaxes the rule. Personally I don't see why you can't keep a flat clean with a dog or a cat: in fact I know many people who have a dog or a cat and keep their home spotless. All you need is a frikken hoover: even I can run the occasional hoover about the place.

Edit: alisoncc - welcome, fellow heartless monster :p

My empathy varies. A lot of the time I do feel coldly logical, like you described. I felt a little like that over the woman and her dog in my OP: I was trying hard to feel empathy, but another side of me was like, "it's a dog, not your husband and children". I am depressed at the moment and I think that makes it harder for me to feel empathy... :-/

When you can get a dog, read up on the breeds first. Certain ones are much more bonding with the owner then others, some of the small types especially. But be careful what you ask for, because some will literally want to be with you all the time day and night and want a lot of interaction. Researching the breeds is the key.

If you're worried you might be a heartless monster, that probably means you're not.

This. Being unable to relate, and not caring entirely are two different things.

Don't think it has anything to do with relating or caring. I believe it has more to do with the application of cold logic and stating such, contrary to the accepted social norms. Which is most probably the reason why so many Aspies get into trouble.

If an NT is sobbing her eyes out over the loss of her dog, and we miss the social cues stating "It's only a dog, for heavens sake", then not unexpectedly the brown stuff will hit the fan. It's not that we don't care or cannot relate to the woman, essentially it's a trait many Aspies are prone too - stating what seems wholly obvious to us, without thought.

Alison

Please do not get an autism service dog or any other "pet." Using living creatures for your own wants is cruel. The animals are taken from their families, trained for a life of servitude, prevented from exercising their natural instincts, and considered to be property/a commodity.

If you are able to have a non-human companion, please consider rescuing one from a shelter instead. You will save the creature from euthanasia and it will cost less.

I have a hard time giving sympathy because it doesn't seem real when I write it or say it. It's hard to explain but it sounds phony and I hate that so I avoid it.
I was so distraught when the dog I had as a child died that I tried to dig her up after my father buried her. I couldn't stand the thought of my little dog being under the ground. I dug down until I could touch the top of her head and then I filled the dirt back in.
I know how much it hurts to lose an animal or a loved one, but I would rather show sympathy some other way than saying things.

A heartless monster has no capacity for feelings. You have demonstrated quite a capacity for strong feelings, recently very painful ones, angry ones, and sad ones. FWIW, I think the feeling you hide away most is your emotional vulnerability, from others, from yourself. Only you know if this is true; it's just a guess on my part. Try to forgive me if I am completely wrong.

I'm never genuinely emotionally moved by stuff like that. I've seen posts about a dog dying or a grandparent dying, and I have no idea what to say outside of the cliché "sorry for your loss". Even if I had a dog myself and it died, I know I'd just be clinical about it. I wasn't bothered when my cousin's dog died a few years ago and I grew up with him. I mean I didn't like that he died and missed him being around, but I didn't feel like crying about it. I might get a support dog. That process is been dragging out. i'm really not sure if I want a dog or not.

By the way, when I posted once that I was bothered by the same thing, people pointed out to me if I was actually heartless, I wouldn't be so bothered by the idea.

Last edited by EzraS on 22 Dec 2014, 1:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think so, not for wanting to sympathise with the loss of an animal but being unable to. I'm fairly sure thats different to a heartless monster, (just one smiley)