I don't get it

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Apologies if I may seem a bit insensetive here, but I just don't get it.
It seems a lot of people here and with aspergers in general have problems I simply find hard or nearly impossible to relate to. Such as social awkwardness, fearing change, needing to stick to routines, needing to do things in a certain way, irrational fears and beliefs about things, getting caught up and going on and in about narrow subjects and getting caught up in what I would consider trifles, which I had honestly I would not give two s**ts about.

To me it seems like a lot of aspies create problems for them selves by focusing to much on a feew areas and loosing sight of what is going on around them. I don't mean to piss you off by saying this it's just an observation.

Point being, I honestly don't get why or how anyone can have difficulties with the issues I've just described.


I can however relate to difficulties in excecutive functions, such as memorizing, organizing, processing and staying in track.


Honestly, though I've been diagnozed with aspergers, it feels like I have an entirely different set of problems than everyone else who has the same diagnosis. I just don't get it. I'm starting to question if I even belong here, or in any one group for that matter. I feel like I'm caught between two groups.

I would very much appreciate if you could try to explain these issues I've mentioned from your own perspective so I can understand you and my other aspie friends.
Anything you could do to help me understand or help find where I fit in would be deeply apreaceated.

I'm not going to tell you that you don't or can't have ASD, but I can certainly understand how you would be questioning your diagnosis with so many dissimilarities. Many things can affect executive function; that alone is not enough to warrant an ASD diagnosis. If that is your only issue, it may be worth searching for other possible executive function issues.

I'm not sure I can clearly explain what it's like to deal with many of these issues that you are having trouble understanding, but I'll try. Since you can relate to executive function, let me try to frame it to you this way: what would you say to someone who said they couldn't understand why anyone would have executive function problems, since all you need to do is stick to a schedule and have the self-discipline to maintain it? It should be a simple matter; you just have to do it, so why can't you? (I've said these things to myself many times) What would you say to that person? That's sort of what you're saying to us, and your answer is probably similar to my answer: we don't know why.

As far as social awkwardness, imagine if everyone you talked to said every third word in a different language, one you don't speak and can't learn. You might be able to understand some things they say, but not without a lot of work and confusion. And other times, you would find that understanding what they're saying is entirely impossible. After a few months of this, you, like us, would probably begin to dread talking to other people because you either feel frustrated or worried that a misunderstanding will cause problems for you, or you are just too tired to try.

Now imagine that this communication difficulty extends to what the people around you do; some things they do make no sense at all to you, and some things they consider important mean nothing to you. Pretend that these people carry around delicate eggs all day; these eggs are just decorations, but the people think they're the most important things in the world. They baby them. They polish them. They carefully take these eggs everywhere they go, and they do everything they can to keep these fragile eggs from breaking. Stupid, right? After a while, you'd get so sick of those dumb eggs that you would be even less inclined to interact with these people. That's sort of what it's like for many Aspies to interact with NTs; the things they think are important are different from the things that I think are important. When you experience something that actually interests you, you go overboard in doing your interest and talking about your interest because the things you are actually interested in are so few and far between, and all anyone else wants to talk about are those damn eggs. For me, a special interest is partly being very interested in one thing, and mostly being completely uninterested in nearly everything.

For fear of change and adherence to routine, imagine that there are invisible alarm clocks floating around you that go off at unpredictable times. You can't control it; suddenly there's just this loud, terrible noise in your ear for seemingly no reason. That's what most of regular life is like for me (and other Aspies, I suspect). Sticking to a routine helps me to be able to predict a few of the alarms, so that there is less surprise and I can handle them better. Routines help to make life a little quieter and a little more peaceful so OF COURSE I don't want to deviate from them. They're the only way that the world isn't in my face all the time, pounding, pounding, pounding at my eyes and ears every second of every day. I can't control most of that, but I can control a routine (mostly), and it makes things a little bit quieter and it makes things feel a little less like they're crushing in on me.

It's a condition that can affect people in wildly different ways

(I sometimes feel that people stretch themselves so that the fit the 'classic' symptoms but...)

Thank you for helping me clarify. I suppose without experienceing theese things my self there's really no way of fully understanding it. Although I find your insight useful and fascinating. However if I can't fully understand how best can I deal with friends and my girfriend who have some of these issues?

Ask them what issues are worst for them, how they deal with them, and how you can help them with it (or how to behave when it's happening). I know what I need, and the best thing people can do for me is to believe me when I tell them what will help me.

For example, if I'm having a meltdown, the best thing anyone can do for me is leave me alone. I get through it best by myself. (But other people might be very different in this area). I tried telling that to my boyfriend; I tried telling him that I will be ok eventually, that he can't help me, and to just ignore me and go watch TV, but it took a LONG time before he realized I was right. He kept trying to help in ways that he thought would work, but they only made things worse. I do NOT need to deal with someone trying to make jokes or act happy while I'm melting down. Just leave me the eff alone and get out of my face, and I'll come back when I'm ready. He eventually learned that.

because you have been wrongly diagnosed, simple.

out of the mouths of babes!

I think that's a strong possibility.



That reminds me of the judgemental reactions that some neurotypicals have when they don't understand ASD traits.

So, to take one example:

My own experience of this is that it's a powerful compulsion. At first I didn't even know how annoying it was to others, how much it was overloading them, how much I was putting people off me by doing it. When I started to realise that, I thought it would be a fairly simple matter to stop doing it. But to my horror I found I couldn't stop, even though I knew how important it was to normalise my conversational style. It's taken me years to learn how to regulate it, and even now I'm still prone to dropping back into my old ways. It's a brain wiring thing, not a matter of choice. If it were a matter of choice, I'd simply have chosen a normal conversational style for myself, and become socially successful, obviously.

What do you experience?

If you don't intuitively understand social problems of autism, then it is likely that you were misdiagnosed.
Since your primary problems are EF-related, you may have ADHD instead of autism.

Second to this. It does sound like (forgive me if wrong) inattentive type of ADHD.

This reminds me of an incident that I experienced not long ago.

I was on vacation, visiting family in Pennsylvania in 'Dutch Country' (another name for the area that is inhabited primarily by the Pennsylvania Dutch/Amish also known as Lancaster County). There is a village named Intercourse. (Yes, really). It is by and large an Amish community that is also a tourist destination. The Amish believe that any photograph of them is a slight (as in insult) to god. That having a photo of their face is a mark of vanity and is very much a huge 'no-no' in their culture.

Anyway I was walking through the town center, also the main area of all the shops, and a group of tourist from NYC were snapping (taking photos) away at this Amish mother and her children. Now the Amish will turn their backs when someone tries to take a picture, they won't speak up for themselves, because again according to their culture it would be a slight to god if they didn't 'turn the other cheek' or 'forgive their trespassers'.

So this mother and her kids were being harassed, by these young (20 somethings) vying for a snapshot of this woman and her kids faces with them in it. They had actually cornered her so she had no choice, but to hide her face. If she had tried to walk away they would have been able to snap a shot. I saw this, along with the hundred or so bystanders that filled the square. Yet I was the only one to walk over and stand between them and the woman. I also tried to explain to them that what they were doing was rude, disrespectful, and cruel. They didn't care. It was their opportunity to get a selfie with an Amish. My roommate along with my sister, had to intervene to get me to budge.

I knew I was ruining it for the tourist, but it was more important for me to be just and stick up for an underdog than it was to partake or sit idly by in the harassment I saw. The tourist felt justified in tormenting someone too, cause to them they were protecting their own interests.

Much like a lot of folks here are 'protecting their interests' instead of seeing someone who already feels socially isolated and has a harder time socializing and relating than they do. I find it extremely hard to relate to most of you, because your so willing to jump down anyone's throat who doesn't join in your commiserations or fit what you see as the only presentation of autism.

I would also find my diagnosis hard to believe, if I was to merit it on what I see here. I couldn't be so callous towards someone just, because they said they don't feel like they belong. I couldn't in good conscious dare to say how everyone else treats me like crap, because I wasn't socially acceptable on one thread and turn around and treat someone else like crap, because they weren't socially acceptable.

You guys like the tourist want to get your hits in and pick on someone who already identifies as being an outsider, because it's an easy target, that's why it reminds me of it.

I'll chime in with my take here. The ways in which ASD effects me are often very minor. There are times when I struggle to understand people here who talk about traits that I don't share as well. For example, I don't have any issues recognizing facial expressions, which is often one of the main things people talk about that contributes to social isolation. So when I see people talking about their issues with that, I sometimes feel like an impostor; like even though I don't belong with neurotypicals I don't really belong here either.

However, when I pull back and look at it objectively (as my therapists keep reminding me), I'm still unquestionably on the spectrum. As often as I see things that I don't relate to, I also see things that are almost scary in how specifically I relate to them; things that bring random bits and pieces across my entire life into a much clearer and cohesive picture of who I am.

I don't want to just out and say you're misdiagnosed, like some others here are. I've dealt with the self doubt about the accuracy of my diagnosis, and I know how frustrating it is to have people who don't know you try to weigh in on if it's valid or not.

What I will say is that there are other conditions that have Executive Functioning issues. If you don't see any of yourself in the posts here or on other autism forums; if this doesn't make sense to you when you try to view your life through the lens of this diagnosis; then it might be worthwhile to investigate other conditions to see if they feel like a better fit for you.

But if you do see yourself in these communities, even if it's not every single post, try not to worry about it so much. Autism effects us all very differently. The important questions are, "does the diagnosis better help you understand yourself" and "does that understanding give you tools to deal with the areas where you struggle". If the answer to those questions is "yes" then that's all that's really important.

I don't exhibit these symptoms very strongly either.

But I still (in my humble opinion) believe that I have autism.

Like someone on the thread says, it can affect people in a lot of different ways

I am not sure what is the problem with saying that someone may be misdiagnosed if they say that they don't understand many of the issues in autism and don't understand how anyone can have those problems at all. There is nothing wrong with people suggesting that the OP could be misdiagnosed, it is not some personal/group identity thing or attempt to isolate the OP.

And, if anything, it may help the OP. While they can stay here and post all they want, OP can now look for any people with ADHD to see if that actually fits better for them.

By saying that it is not saying "go away". We're just trying to help find a closer explanation of the symptoms. Some of those listed are core autism symptoms and lack of those does suggest a misdiagnosis is possible. I don't know anything about ADHD but that there are different types and that does sound like the inattentive type. Some people with autism are misdiagnosed inattentive ADHD, some people with inattentive ADHD are misdiagnosed autism. There is an overlap of symptoms.

If trying to help find people like OP is, basically, circlejerking then I just don't know what to even do