Spouse refuses to see if he is has aspurgers or autism

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I know my husband has aspurgers or is autistic. We divorced and re married. I had never heard of either. I was suicidal from the pain and arguments when the term came to me. After studying it for 10 minutes it was as if everything made sense. It was like seeing my whole life explained. This site made me able to breathe again ...
I tried to tell him. He said absolutely not
He isn't . Even sent me a quiz and answered no to every question I know is a yes.
I can't live with the pain. I don't know what to do now. Don't know how to get him to get to a specialist and even if he did go - he doesn't see what everyone else sees.
Can anyone give me any suggestions, please? I want and need help desperately

Yeah, living with an Aspie can be rough, no doubt. My late wife couldn't understand why I did things differently and why I shied away from social situations. Have you tried to tell him that he is tearing you apart? You know, not everyone who acts like us is one of us. Some NTs are jerks, and that's the sad truth. I did things that annoyed or hurt my wife, but I always made amends for it later, so if he doesn't care about hurting you, he may not be an Aspie.

Marriage counseling. I was diagnosed with AS in middle age. By then I had learned how to deal with things and basically act like everybody else so I didn't have any problems. It was very hard to learn those things at first though, but I managed to. By then it was second nature.

All my dx did for me was explain some things about myself to me. There isn't any treatment for it, and being an as*hole isn't a side effect of being an aspie, so if he's an as*hole to you then that's just him and not so much the AS, although it can make people come across like that sometimes, but it doesn't make you just completely unconcerned about someone you love's feelings. That's a whole different issue.

I know you want to have him diagnosed and treated and think that will fix everything but it won't, I'm sorry to say. Aspies have personalities and problems and everything else just like NT's, and if he's causing you emotional pain and not caring about it, or being passive aggressive then that's him being an as*hole not him being an aspie. Try marriage counseling and if he won't go then either be ready to live with him being like this from now on or cut your losses and move on and find a man who does care about you, apsie or NT.

What are you hoping him getting a diagnosis would accomplish anyway? It's not like depression or anxiety that can be treated with medication and therapy. Some of the relationship problems associated with having a partner on the spectrum can be helped to some degree with couples therapy but you can't expect him to be someone he isn't, asperger's or not.

Sometimes I think putting too much emphasis on getting a diagnosis and putting a name on autism makes matters worse anyways. It'd probably be better to work the marriage counselor angle and see how the two of you could work together for mutual satisfaction within the relationship. He might feel like you are trying to say insist there is something wrong with him. Having autism doesn't equal defect, rather different.

Aspergians can be jerks and uncaring too.

1) Please educate yourself enough to get the terminology right: there is no 'aspurgers or is autistic'. The autistic spectrum includes people who are autistic with ASPERGERS SYNDROME.
2) "We divorced and remarried". Sounds like there is some deeper codependency going on in the background. Presumably you divorced because there were not the elements of a mutually satisfying adult relationship that contained the core factors of respect, trust, attention, acceptance, appreciation and so on. So you went back to a poisoned well and thought the water would magically change? And "I became suicidal". What does that tell you?
3) "I tried to tell him" We rarely change people and their behaviour by announcing what is wrong with them, and assuming we are problem free bystanders with no power nor responsibility for our own views and choices.
4) "After 10 minutes it all made sense". Ten minutes???????????????? I have studied this for years, with a lot of experience and qualifications, and it hasn't all made sense to me as yet, I learn more everyday, and remain open to life-long commitment to learning and understanding. I have to doubt that you were gifted with instant and total insight after ten minutes..
5) "I can't live with the pain". I am sorry you are suffering (really). Have you heard of a door? Opening it and leaving? It may be the best thing for you both.
6) "Don't know how to get him to a specialist". He is much more than a "problem" to be "fixed" by you and a specialist into the kind of person you have decided you want him to be; he has free will and the right to be who he is; he wasn't put on the planet to fill your needs, sorry, though that is what your expectation is. You are not doing this for him, you are doing it for you.
7) Forget the marriage counselling, fix yourself. Get help for yourself.
May I suggest you obtain a copy of psychotherapist David Richo's book, "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" and read it slowly, thoughtfully and carefully - this will take much longer than ten minutes - and define how it was you came to be in the overall position that you have gotten yourself into, without conscious intention, and have made the choices you have up to this point. Then you can start to make better choices. When you know better, you do better. Good luck. Here's some quotes to get you started, if you choose:

http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/ ... avid_Richo

Studying for "ten minutes" and "aspurgers"? This doesn't seem like a serious post to me.

Can you think of anything you enjoy with and about him? Focus on why you are with him, focus on what you love about him, and, if you can, communicate support to him. People often copy each other, so when you are in pain, I don't think it matters how wrong he is, you need support and if you want to be with him, you need it from him. Giving him love, support and appreciation for who he is and what you appreciate about him shows him a positive side of you he may want to sustain by treating you more as you want him to.

And if you cannot see in him the man you loved and married, think carefully about what you are looking for being married to him in the long run......however, in the short run, if you are overwhelmed, spending time with people who make you feel secure, or doing something you feel good doing may help. And, you never know, it may help for your husband to see you can be happy.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

All you can do is wait & give him time to process what he already knows is true. If he decides to stop denying it, then you can help him productively learn about it and move forward. Hell, he could decide he actually wants to really do something about it and learn how to treat his symptoms via various methods from natural medicine to counselling.

But if he decides to persistently be stubborn and deny it and chooses to do nothing about it there is NOTHING you can do about it. All you can do is accept the situation for what it is, and learn about it yourself in order to keep your own stress levels down when dealing with his BS. Or you can make the decision to leave him again if you'd prefer - but either way, if he refuses to help himself then there is sweet F all you can do about it.

I have friends and family on the spectrum. They refuse to accept/acknowledge or do anything about it. I accept that they refuse & simply accept their ASD quirks and am very tolerant and understanding of their minor meltdowns here and there, or their social anxiety that prevents them from attending things sometimes. etc.

Who is "everyone"?

He might be autistic, or he might not be. Either way, it is normal for a person to see something different in themselves than what others see in them. If we all saw ourselves the same way others see us, it would be a shattering experience.

@LSG

I'm not sure that getting a diagnosis for your husband will get you what you want. You want an engaged, mutually supportive partner who isn't cutting in his remarks and is part of a team? (I'm guessing.) For the diagnosis to matter, he would have to accept it, accept the impact of his inherent traits and behaviours and seek to modify his behaviour to support a better relationship between the two of you.

Do you want a diagnosis because then people will believe how hard it is for you? They won't or they can't understand how hard it is to live with an AS partner and the daily drip of being shown daily how little you matter (whether they mean to convey that message or not).

It kind of doesn't matter if he is or isn't on the spectrum, if he really cared about your happiness he would, at least, seek therapy, which might or might not lead to a diagnosis.

You (and all of us) have to accept your own part in this, too. Even if you've been largely blameless for the state of the relationship, you still have abdicated the responsibility for your own happiness. You took him back. I know you probably had many reasons for this.

I DO understand how you feel. I would often think "I would rather be dead than live another 10 years like this", but yet I felt stuck. It was an awful place to be, but in the end, my husband - who has no diagnosis - moved out. He's actually been much nicer without the stress of family life. He says he 'wants the marriage back' - but I know it would literally kill me. My mental and physical health were crumbling after 17 years with him. Yet, I often felt so powerless and broken that it was impossible to make a move. I'm still healing.

Please read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay."

A diagnosis will not magically fix everything. It might help him to understand that others don't think the same way he does, but he will still be autistic (assuming your suspicion is correct, of course) and he will still have autistic needs, which may not always line up with what others need or expect.

A marriage requires two-way cooperation, and that's true even if one partner has AS. If you are neurotypical and he is not, that will not mean that your way is always the right way. I have seen some NT people who act like because the autistic person has a 'disorder', they should put all the effort into changing to fit their partner, while their partner can act the way they would with an NT person. That can work for brief interactions with strangers, but it will never work in a close relationship.

If you really think he's autistic and are sincere about making this relationship work, then a diagnosis is unnecessary. What is necessary is that you learn to understand him, and you communicate clearly so he can understand you. Research autism and asperger syndrome, and then ask him if certain traits apply to him (not tying it to the diagnosis, since he's not ready for that). Also, if you need something from him, tell him clearly instead of expecting him to just know. (A lot of things that are intuitive to NTs are not intuitive to an autistic person. For example, he may not realize he needs to show his love regularly because he assumes you already know he loves you.)

Keep in mind that it's not as simple as 'autistic people lack empathy'. In my experience, NTs tend to lack empathy for autistics just as much as autistics lack empathy for NTs. The best analogy I can think of is two people who come from very different cultures. It's important that both partners make an effort to try to understand the other person and communicate so the person can understand them, or they will not be able to make it work.

And if, after all that, he's not willing to make an equal effort to meet your needs, don't stick around. You deserve to find someone who loves you and treats you with respect - regardless of what neurotype they have.

This. Assume that he is, and try to educate yourself on ways to deal with it, unless you feel that your marriage is hopeless and not worth saving. See if there are support groups in your area, or rely on some of the NT spouses that are married to people on the spectrum on this, and other ASD websites.

@elklan
Your kindness and empathy ... Thank you for seeking to understand before replying. Such wise words - and a clear yes to all you touched on and surmised.

Desire for diagnosis has everything to do with thought process - "if he knew he could get involved / would realize the bigger picture and want to learn how together we could communicate more effectively."

And you're right - I desperately wish others understood and somehow thought maybe if...

He loves me and hates that he hurts me. At least that's what he says every few months when things boil over.

My feelings anger him. My needs anger him. I just thought of he knew - then maybe it would all make more sense to him.

from what I'm reading on here - it seems that that is a ridiculous assumption.

Again thank you for your words and I am ordering the book. Appreciative of a place to start and your kindness

@
I've been studying for 6 months or so now. No, I'm not an AS specialist but, I've put many many hours into trying to understand what I can. Shocked to see the tearing apart of my words instead of searching for the intent of my request for help.

One person in particular reminded me of my husband... picking apart each and every misstep only to miss the heart of the matter completely ...

I've never posted on a page like this before. And I would probably refrain in the future after seeing a few of the responses. Not the safe, respectful forum I thought it would be

Greatly appreciate the time many of you took to respectfully answer and discuss my thoughts. I realize life is a busy place and I'm greatful for your time

@LSG - the gift that this forum has given me is a greater understanding of how my husband's mind works and really, truly, finally believing that no matter how much I explain or make my needs and wants clear, he will not get them and even when he does get them, he will dismiss them and not act on them. And it isn't because he WANTS to hurt me (usually) but that his needs are always and forever paramount to him and he cannot, literally cannot, think any other way - and that he will be willing to hurt me to get those needs met in the easiest way possible (even when it's counterintuitive, even when being a better partner would get him what he wants in the long run).

I know which responses you're referring to and I think you should see those responses as a way to clarify your own situation.

This forum has also helped me unpick what was good in our relationship and that which I thought was good, but was really me projecting my motivations to be a good partner onto him. If I feel this way, then he must also... But he doesn't. Not in the same way. I made a lot of stuff up. I remember watching him from an upstairs window, he was sulking in the garden after he'd made a particularly brutal verbal attack on me. I thought "Even though he won't say sorry, it's clear that he feels really bad about the way he spoke to me." Nope. Coming here has made me realise that he probably wasn't thinking that at all, but was thinking how unreasonable and illogical I had been and how hard done by he is. No wonder he didn't apologise, he never felt he had anything to take responsibility for or be sorry for at all in terms of my emotional well-being.

So, if you can stand it, I suggest reading a little further. And maybe you'll be able to step in on a thread like this for someone else. But if you can't, don't. Try AS Partners and FAAAS.

Good for you, Elkclan. You have come a long way, and I want to applaud you for that. I made the mistake initially in your early days here of thinking you did not have the willingness to make the changes you have obviously made and achieved. I apologise for misjudging that. I admire the huge changes you have obviously made. Well done you. Fantastic!