Did I do wrong?

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I asked a women who I work with if she could give me a lift to and from work for a couple of days. (She lives a few streets away from me.) This is because the road I need to walk down, to get my bus, would be closed on those days because a railway level crossing is being upgraded. I didn't just ask her straight out, we had been discussing the effect of the road closure. She seemed happy to give me a lift.

This next bit may be irrelevant but I'll include it anyway. On the second day fifteen minutes after the agreed pickup time I was getting concerned because she hadn't arrived. I sent her a text and she said she would be there soon (which she was). It turned out that she had overslept and my text had woken her.

I wasn't sure how to thank her for the lifts and didn't think it appropriate to offer to pay towards fuel. Instead I bought her a small (£4) box of chocolates. Nothing fancy, no heart shapes or flowery pictures. I gave her this box when she dropped me home on the second day and said thank you.

She said thank you and that I didn't need to. She then said that she'd share them with the other people in the part of the office where she works. This comment made me think that this was going a bit wrong or at least, my expectation that she would simply accept my gift was wrong. I didn't expect her to say that she'd be giving my gift away.

The next day I passed through her area of the office and she handed me the half finished box of chocolates and politely (I think) said that I could finish them. I didn't really know how to respond to this. I was confused and a little hurt. As is often the case my intuition for how to respond failed me so I took the chocolates and left. I need my intellectual skills to respond to these situations but they don't provide responses in real time.

Is this something I should have expected? Did I do something wrong?

I did ask a couple of colleagues if they could explain what might have happened but, as seems typical, their answers were vague in a kind of, I don't want to get involved, kind of way.

Maybe she didn't like chocolate or was on a diet or something? That's all I can really think of, sorry.

Whether you should offer money for fuel depends on how much of a detour was required to give you a lift. It can be overly formal and insulting to offer that if it's really a very short detour.

A box of chocolates, unfortunately, is open to interpretation. The fact that she first said she would share them at work, and then gave them back to you, indicates to me she is unsure what your intentions were in giving her the candy.

Probably the best way to thank her was with words, adding "I owe you a favor" or something similar.

As it is, let it go and please don't obsess about it. I don't think you did "wrong" but maybe you could do better next time.

I don't find that you did anything wrong.

She probably doesn't care for chocolates too much.

Some people would find you paying for fuel tacky; others would appreciate the gesture.

You did nothing wrong. Don't lose sleep over this.

My response will be US-centric, and I noticed you used pounds for currency in your post. But hey, we're all human, right?

Here's what I think happened. Chocolates are a borderline romantic gift. She may have thought you had "other motives", considering that you two were alone in a car together. Or maybe not, but they're still a mismatched gift for a formal act like giving a ride. If I were you, I'd have offered to buy her lunch one day instead. (You don't even have to join her; you just pay for the food she gets in the cafeteria.) Or just get her a small gift card to a coffee shop or a nearby restaurant.

Not a bad idea.

Maybe I'm lost in my own world here, but I'm surprised at the idea that offering to pitch in on fuel costs is "tacky." Sincerely, is it really tacky? I had no idea.

I had been about to post "Offering fuel cash would have been the best bet" until I saw other posts saying that's tacky. I had NO idea.

I was under the impression that it could only ever be considered polite to offer some cash for fuel if someone is giving you a ride. I had no idea anyone might think it's not appropriate or that it's tacky.

Can someone fill me in on why this might come across badly? I've always offered gas money when I've had to avail someone of taking me somewhere in their car.

It's different if it's a friend and me, going out somewhere, but when it's asking for a ride I've wanted to pay my share of the cost of that ride.

It's probably not tacky to most people...but some people might think it's somewhat cheap and petty to expect someone to pay for their gas/petrol---and that it implies that you are in need of money, that you're poor.

People sometimes feel self-conscious about others' perception of them when it comes to being rich/poor. This is especially true amongst the older generations---who, usually, in the Western World, had experienced things like the Great Depression and rationing during World War II.

Much of the time, when I offer to pay part of the gas costs for something, I am refused politely. There are times, though, when this is accepted gratefully.

Ah, okay, I see now. That the person driving might feel offended like the suggestion is that they are hard-up to afford the fuel or need the money.

I don't know though -- surely even a well-off person would appreciate the gesture, if only based on the idea that the "ridee" is using up their money, in a round-about way? To offer gas money is like acknowledging that you're imposing on their costs, kind of thing, and you just want to pay your share rather than freeload. I think I always thought it was the polite thing to try to defray a "freeloading" situation, even if the person can afford the imposition.

I think, for most people, that is the case.

But for others, it seems sort of petty.

That's people for you!

I don't think you did anything especially wrong. Just behave as you normally do, but don't make any effort to communicate any more than you did. And don't ask anyone else for their opinions now, or that will pass on and she may think that you do have romantic intentions. Just forget it and move on and then she will. I think she was just unsure whether your intentions were romantic or not. If anyone asks just say you meant the chocolates as a small favour for giving you lifts and that was it. Next time just give someone money. It's has less ties with it in this context.

I don't think you did a thing wrong. It's possible she "took it the wrong way" as far as chocolates being traditionally a love/dating gift (though IMO that would be a stretch...but it's possible), or that she doesn't like chocolate, or simply that she's a person who's embarrassed by generosity. Let us not forget that NTs aren't socially perfect either. I think we have a tendency to think that every NT has social situations all wrapped up. If that were true there wouldn't be thousands of articles out there, written for NTs, about how to act in social situations. They screw up more frequently than you might think.

She may not have been raised to be polite, for instance (not saying this is true, just giving an example) - the polite thing to do if, say, she doesn't like chocolate would be to JUST SAY THANK YOU and then move off with the chocolate and then PRIVATELY give them to a friend (who doesn't work with you), donate them or even toss them, but not to make you feel uncomfortable about it.

NTs aren't perfect. You did a nice thing. Giving small tokens is actually a pretty normal, usual thing to do when someone has helped you out. For instance, if your buddies help you move house, it's pretty traditional to give them a 6-pack or invite them to a barbecue or something.

I would say if this happens in the future, give a neutral, small/inexpensive, token gift, like buy her a coffee and bring it to her and say "I just wanted to say I appreciate that you drove me to work on those days. If you need a favor in the future, let me know" and leave it at that.

I don't think there's anything wrong in buying her a box of chocolates as a way of saying thank you.

I've known people to do that. Our next door neighbour asked my dad if he can drop him off to work for a couple of mornings when he was temporarily unable to use his car. My dad didn't mind. And then when the neighbour got his car back he gave my dad 2 bags of sweets to say thank you for giving him a ride to work.

We shared them among us, but my dad didn't say "oh I will share the sweets with my family" and then give half the sweets back to him.

But buying people chocolates or sweets for doing someone a favour is common among us British. So I see nothing wrong or odd about it.

I don't think it's too big of a deal, if she was too creeped out she probably wouldn't of eaten any of the chocolates or returned it probably. Probably just didn't want to eat any more chocolate. In the future tho I'd probably go with something a bit more informal than chocolates which some might take as having romantic connotations.