When another person's stims are painful for you

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I have had a couple of times, once when I was eating at Subway and once when I was eating at one of my favorite Italian restaurants, where when I was there and families came in. One was a parent (or guardian) with a young Autistic girl (at Subway) and the other was a father with his young adult Autistic son (the Italian place). It was interesting because I had gone for a walk in the park the second day and saw the father and his son walking in the park as well. We had crossed paths and the father had said hi to me so it was cool to see them again in the restaurant after I left the park.

But what happened was that in each situation both the Autistic girl and the Autistic boy were doing very loud vocal stims in the restaurants. And the boy was also pacing pretty aggressively. Now I am also Autistic and I also stim so I totally understand why they would need to stim and I have no problem with people stimming whenever, where ever, and however they need to. I was actually encouraged to see that no one else in the restaurants seemed to have any problems with them either and the restaurant staffs in both cases were actually very nice to them.

Having said that, I actually did have a very serious problem and I am wondering how those of you who are like me would have handled it. My problem is that I am hypersensitive to sound and to movement. So even though I was really happy for these two kids to have the freedom and ability to stim publicly as they needed to, I was going out of my mind and it was pretty much torture for me.

On each occasion I was in the restaurant before they were and in the Italian restaurant I was actually waiting for my food so I could not leave. Of course I did not complain or show any outward signs of discomfort because I understand the need for them to stim and I did not want to make their parents feel like I had a problem with them. And to make matters worse, when I was waiting for my food at the Italian restaurant, another lady walked in, ordered food and sat herself down at my table to wait for it. This restaurant has tiny tables, basically bistro type tables. She had already plopped herself down and made herself comfortable before asking me if she could sit there. The entire restaurant was empty except for me and the father with the Autistic son who had walked in a few minutes ago and one other man. So she could have sat anywhere at all that she pleased but she sat at my table and basically her purse and her arm took up half the table.

I had ordered my food to eat there so when they brought it to me I ate it basically with her in my face because I did not feel like it was my duty to move since I had been sitting there for quite a while before any of the other people had even walked in.

But I was wondering what those of you who are sound sensitive would do in this situation where a loud vocal stimmer walks in or if you are movement sensitive and a fast pacer walks in or like in my case you happen to be sensitive to both. It seems to me that it might look rude to get up and leave but for me to sit there which is what I ended up doing was really unbearable and the high pitched and loud vocalizations he was doing counteracted everything I had just managed to accomplish, getting myself settled and rested in the park. And same thing with the girl at Subway. Fortunately once the girl got her food, her guardian took her to an outside table to eat. He and the loud vocal stimming girl at Subway are what some would consider "lower functioning" than I am so it would seem only natural by anyone's standards that I had to be the one to be considerate and not appear rude even though their stims were really hurting me. And when I say they were hurting me, it was really hurting me. So I did my best to just get through it without making any outward signs of the pain or anxiety it was causing me. But how would you guys handle this situation?

If I was tired, I would just endure the situation.

If awake, maybe I would tell the woman that I'm expecting guests at my table so she moves away, or move into the corner of the room where there's the least sound disturbance. Maybe I'd ask the restaurant staff if they can pack up my food.
Or just eat quickly. Sucks, but what you gonna do? Autistic kinds have the right to eat at public restaurants, and we all know how important stimming is...

I would move and sit where I wanted.

The other people probably don't care where you sit.

I'd probably move too, but give a smile as I passed so they'd know I wasn't storming off in a huff or anything.

My son's vocal stims drive me absolutely crazy, so I'll suggest (without mentioning the stim) that he go do Fun Thing X or else I'll find a reason to be out of the room, say, going off the clean or taking a bath or whatever.

That is the story of my life, in which my need to avoid pain is misconstrued as social rudeness.

I would definitely leave in that situation (and in fact can't eat in restaurants to begin with, due to the noise).

I'm grateful my relatives understand, that when their children shriek and bounce off the walls, I need to get away someplace quiet before I fall apart, and it's nothing personal. It's sad though, in a situation like you described, when your act of self-preservation is misconstrued as a condemnation of someone else's disability

My mom is as/asd, sound sensitive and vocal stims.
I'm as/asd and sound sensitive; I wasn't allowed to vocally stim, b/c my mom was sensitive.
My daughter is as/asd, sound sensitive and vocal stims.

So, I've lived much of my life around someone who vocally stims and quite frankly, it hurts. But because I was either the child or parent in the situation, I was stuck with it and had to just internalize the pain.

You were not the Subway girl's parent or child. Just because two people are both on the spectrum does not mean there needs to be any more 'bond' than understanding and compassion; you had your lunch to eat and so did she.

That's not to say I think you should have told her guardian to take her away; rather, as someone on the spectrum I think it's wonderful that you had compassion and understanding for her. My advice would be to protect your own (over)stimulus levels and simply move away from from the stimulus to wherever you needed to go to be able to enjoy your food. In a sit down restaurant, simply ask your server if they have a more secluded table; there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing so.

I can't eat inside Subway anyway, as most franchises have too many machine noises (and then often turn up the music to compensate). I'd rather eat outside, in my car or anywhere else to avoid noise while I eat.

Regarding the woman who sat at your table, I consider that quite rude, as our society has unwritten rules for such things. But, some people have this need to always be right. next. to. someone. else, physically. Even though Miss Manners would suggest that you simply put up with her rudeness, realistically in a fast food or bistro with empty tables I think it's acceptable to say something like, 'pardon, me...that seat is taken'. It's taken by you, for your own personal space but there is no need to vocalize that part. Most people will take the hint and move away; if they do so in a huff it's because they realize they were being rude.

Last edited by Edenthiel on 31 Oct 2015, 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am NT, but I have a huge sound sensitivity (loud sounds HURT my ears) and I am physically disoriented by rapid, repeated movements, bright lights and high pitched sounds. I am one of those folks that avoid watching movies at theatres because I am completely disoriented after a show

And life did me in by giving me a son who stims by making loud noises, pacing up and down rapidly and runs around in circles. I usually avoid getting overwhelmed and disoriented by removing myself from his presence. If that is not possible for any reason (people are visiting, I am cooking, etc), then I will lead him to his room, and close the door on him, and let him stim to his heart's content there.

I personally dislike eating at restaurants, and any meals we do eat out are actually carry-outs. The sounds and the movements (constant door opening, people coming in and out, talking loudly etc) disorient me. If you enjoy eating out and don't want to order take-out, then I suggest asking to be seated at a far back corner so that you don't have to suffer other people's stims / presence. Avoid sitting near the kitchen though, because there is a lot of noise / movement / even smells emanating from there, and it may actually be better to sit up near the doors, rather than sit near the kitchen (at least you can avoid overwhelming smells by the doors) !

I don't really have any suggestions for you - maybe just avoid restaurants as much as possible ?

Thank you so much for each of your responses. I really appreciate each one of them. And the suggestions are very helpful. Those of you who suffer as I do, I really feel for you especially if you have family members that are with you all the time. I understand how painful it is to not be able to get away. Thank you for sharing with me.

You're brave to go in a restaurant in the first place.

Thank you. I actually just have a couple that I frequent and they all know me. They are usually small mom and pop places like the Italian place or they are franchises but since I go at the same time when I go the staffs know me. The Subway near my house is very nice to me and they turn the music off for me when I eat there. One place knows what table I like and they are very good at understanding if I really need to sit there. If someone else is sitting there I will wait til that person is done so that I can sit there. The restaurant staff will clean it right away for me and time my food accordingly. Another restaurant will change the music for me so that I can enjoy it. I don't eat out too often because of the cost but the times when I just don't have the energy or ability to feed myself at home or when my husband and I want to go out, we go to small places that know us and are very happy to help make it a nice experience for us.

I plan to write on the ADA's website in their suggestion area that restaurants and stores have a couple of hours a week where they provide silent shopping/dining hours where they don't play music and where they might also dim the lights. I don't think it would be too much ask. But I am super grateful for the shops and restaurants that are more than happy to turn the music off when I am in them. I always ask and I am always so thankful when they do that I support their businesses as often as I can.

A crying baby in a public place drives me mad. My reaction, although not acted out, is to stew and think "those parents should have more class than to subject the rest of us to the crying... that parent "should" take the kid home or out of the restaurant, movie, etc."

I don't so much feel that way if it is a place they can't avoid being, like on an airplane and the baby starts to cry. But it's just discourteous to make other diners or moviegoers listen to your, well, your brat I have to say.

I don't do anything about it (except maybe move) but I telegraph my dislike through the ether and think of karmic results the parent deserves to have. I suppose I might be a little snippy to the wait staff but I at least try to tip fairly.

OK, makes me sound petty, but I'm just being honest here.

I'm a mature lady and disabled, and sometimes hostesses try to seat me in the "family" section where there is a high likelihood of my being annoyed, and I assume they do that to keep the unpleasant sight of me from bothering all the normal patrons. But I just say could you please seat me somewhere away from children/families. They always do so when asked, and that makes all of us happier I'm sure.

i don't have sound sensitivity but what really bugs me is what my mom does, she makes this whistling / hissing sound between her teeth and it drives me absolutely crazy, i literally have fantasies of choking her so that she can't make that goddamn noise anymore. it's really bad when i'm in the car with her and there's no way to get away from it, i'm already irritable from having to sit still in a confined space for an extended amount of time, and then there's having to deal with this too. my mom just irritates me in general (but that's another story).

Personally for me, I very rarely go to supermarkets or restaurants.

I hate shopping, my daughter does it all and there's too much choice for me in restaurants.

I can't choose. if I went i'd let someone else choose for me. Menu's are overwhelming.

I've only had a subway meal about twice in my life.

I don't mind noise too much and I don't even think I'd notice if people were making verbal stims. I'd probably just put it down to someones child being noisy, crying or whatever. I always think that if a child likes the sound of what is coming out of his/her mouth then it's just a child thing. Other peoples children don't bother me, I can easily switch off to them.

I can't stand the chaos that I see before me in places like restaurants. It's just not a relaxing environment for me at all.

I don't even like pubs/bars anymore much for the same reason. and I used to love pubs because I like people watching.

No, I think I'm becoming more and more solitary as I get older.

Honesty is always a good thing!

I have felt this way but am VERY watchful of turning my mind around on the subject simply because if I expect people to accept my sensitivities and my son's stims in public, it wouldn't make sense for me not to accept others' behaviors that they can't help either (for example, a baby crying...babies do cry, despite a parent's best efforts.)

To my mind, saying "that lady should leave or just not take her baby out in public in the first place" is the same as someone saying (and I HAVE had this said to me!) that I should "just leave (my) (moderately autistic) son at home" rather than "bother everybody." I know how I bristle at that...so why wouldn't others bristle at my suggestion that THEY stay home or leave (or take their kids away)?

Make sense?

The world is not made for me. I don't get to "bother" others but have everyone hush-hush just for me.

You might point to https://www.amctheatres.com/programs/se ... ndly-films as an example when you write to the ADA? Or maybe it would be more effective to work through / with the Autism Society since they set up the program with AMC Theaters? Maybe they'd do the same but approach a number of chain restaurants...

I guess with my situation at the Italian place, and even at the Subway, because these restaurants are so tiny and there is no where to go really that you can escape the sound, the best thing for me to have probably done was to wait outside for my food and then eat it outside. I had actually thought of that but then I was thinking, I certainly don't want this nice man, and he was nice, to think that I am being rude to him and his son by waiting outside for my food. I can imagine that as a parent of an Autistic person that would be very hurtful if someone did that. I was already sitting comfortably waiting when they came in so if I got up and went outside he would probably know it was because of his son. But then again like some of you pointed out, I am Autistic also and as much as I don't want to hurt them, I have to treat myself with the same compassion and care even if it does look rude to them.