Is true that autistic women have it much easier in dating?

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My brother is autistic and I have been having trouble finding him a woman over the years, and he has become very lonely and insecure with his limitation because of it. I am autistic as well, from other posts I have made, just so there is no confusion.

I tried putting him on a dating site for autistic people but there has not been any luck. However, I got some advice by someone who works in this type of community occupation, and she said that my brother shouldn't be trying to look for autistic girls.

He says that autistic women generally do not go for autistic men because they succeed much better with non-autistic men, in comparison to the other way around. She says that regular men do not care that much about a woman being autistic compared to regular women having a much bigger problem with it in a man.

Is this true though, cause it seems like a very generalized statement to make. Unless it's true, and trying to find my bro, autistic women to date, is not the answer?

I have actually read somewhere that Aspie women have an easier time with dating than she does making and keeping friends, and Aspie men have a harder time dating but is more likely to have a few friends.
I don't know if it's statistically true or not. It is true for me. Being in a relationship seems to be easier than making friends.

I am in a relationship with an NT man. I wouldn't want an autistic man really. I find most too nerdy and distant, and I am a very affectionate person who loves to express my love.

I actually noticed as well that aspie or autistic women are more expressive of love, but I only have a couple of examples I know to go buy. Perhaps this is one of the main reasons.

It's possible that autistic women might have a bit of an easier time OBTAINING dates.

But they probably have just as much difficulty MAINTAINING a relationship as autistic men, and being happy in general.

As in all things love and romance, FORGET THE STATISTICS!! !!

my educated guess based on what i've seen by myself and what i've heard from other people is that autistic women tend to attract bad relationships and then take too long to realize they could be doing way better than that

between a tendency to be alone forever and a tendency to be stuck in depressing relationships, i honestly don't know which is worse, but i would probably choose the former

Am I the only one who finds it a little odd that ironpony tries to procure women for her brother? To me, that feels like a lack of boundaries.

If he wants a girlfriend, part of the job is going out and getting one. If he doesn't, no one should make him.

I would have a great deal of difficulty wanting to be in a relationship set up by the man's sister. If I learned that's how it was arranged, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

I agree. Being a "wing-person" should be the extent of another person's involvement in obtaining a relationship for a particular person.

A person has to be his/her own Cyrano De Bergerac.

No. Women are expected to be the relationship care-takers while dating. They are supposed to moderate when sex happens, to dictate the pace of emotional intimacy, to draw men out emotionally, etc... So, autistic women often have it much worse than men. They might get a date easier, but its harder to be in a healthy relationship.

In my family, the men are all in happy-enough marriages with women who take care of them, controlled the dating while they were doing it, and maintain the household. The woman on the spectrum is single. She just can't fulfill the role that's expected of her - to be the emotional regulator for the relationship and to do things like keeping track of anniversaries and such. Its a real tough spot she's in.

Of course, there are men who fulfill that role. I don't want to look down on that. Some men are nurturers, and yea on them! But the stereotype is that women should do this stuff, so its harder on autistic women because its a smaller number of men who really want to take the role of nurturer.

Two autistics trying to date is like two blind people walking down a crowded and crooked sidewalk without canes or aids. Its not that its impossible, but that its harder. Neither autistic really has an instinct for what to do for the other. There are exceptions, and it would certainly be possible if both people were actively receiving help in their communication skills and relationship skills. But its an added challenge. This has nothing to do with gender. Its just the nature of two people getting together when they both don't relate well to others.

About looking for dates for others.

Where I live in expat land, people do that all the time. Especially if they have a culture of arranged marriages.

Believe me, my neighbor didn't let her adult daughter go out on a date without vetting the potential boyfriend first.

The sister isn't doing anything different than a paid match maker (who make really good money in my area) would do.

My expat Korean friend had his boss find suitable dates for him, with one leading to marriage.

As long as the brother is cool with the set up, why is it weird or some boundary issue?

The autistic women I know do have problems keeping relationships going. They may get the 1-4 date, but the s**t hits the fan when you start meeting relatives and friends. You get enough negative feedback about the date, "what the hell is wrong with her? Is she a psycho?", those relationships get dumped.

Also, I don't know very many women who will hook up with an unemployed guy living at home with his parents. UNLESS there is some huge game plan of finishing school, working two jobs to save money for a business, paying down debt while working...and not being fired every 4 months from a job.

The let's been friends and hang out stuff grinds to a halt after college. It's hard for NTs to get the dating ball rolling after finishing university/high school. Just not that many opportunities to casually meet people.

Some random and totally subjective thoughts that are probably wrong and in some way politically incorrect:

I think autistic women might have it easier attracting men for several reasons. We men are more visual, generally speaking, than women. Not that women don't care about looks, but they want more than just good looks in a guy. Unless he's got money - in which case, he can be ugly as sin, at least to some women.

If a woman looks attractive, some guys (not me) don't care about much else. Guys like that may be looking for someone who is physically hot and don't care anything about substance, or getting to really know a person. I know guys who are hung up on finding a woman with very specific physical traits and won't even look at an otherwise wonderful girl who doesn't fit into those narrow (shallow) criteria.

There's also a tendency of some guys to be attracted to girls who are a mess, who are broken. In the past, I would sometimes find myself drawn towards girls who I felt genuinely motivated to try to help in one way or another. I'm thinking of one girl I was interested in back in my college days. In retrospect, I think there's a good chance she was also on the spectrum. I was way too awkward to have considered asking her out, but we often met up over lunch and talked about our mutually dysfunctional family lives. Then one day I saw her after not getting together in a while, and found out she'd just gotten married (probably to another guy with the same desire to somehow fix her).

I'm happily married now, and not to someone who I perceive as needing me.

That's a valid point. The thread sort of assumes a Western outlook on dating and relationships. But there are cultures where marriages are arranged from a young age. I realize there are some potential drawbacks to an arranged marriage, but I'm not sure it's any better or worse overall than the Western method of squeezing the produce before putting it in the shopping cart.

About where I live.

The arranged marriages aren't we sold our daughter for a goat type deals.

There are many social events for people to meet each other. It might be at a temple. It might be at cricket matches. People who know you keep an eye out for a date that has a good chance of clicking.

(Of course the parents are much more picky who they think their son or daughter should date. Lol...)

I know young adults of these families who have found dates on their own, so it isn't so strict.

If you want a relationship that will turn into a marriage, it's not a bad set up.

I'd hope not! Anything less than TWO goats just isn't worth it.

(Yes, I'm totally kidding.)

Tell us more about him, is he still living at home with your parents or is he somewhat independent? It won't be easy to find someone who will date him if he's unemployed and living at home unless there's some other circumstances where he might get a job at a later stage.

If you're trying a dating site purely for high functioning autistic individuals, I don't know of many that are very active anyway and they usually have a high male to female ratio, (understandably because there's a higher rate of diagnosis of autism in men than women). You could try more general ones like OKCupid or Match.com.

Strictly speaking, women in general might have an easier time at getting dates than men because they aren't expected to initiate. However, it's not true that autistic women necessarily have a better chance of getting a relationship than autistic men nor that they generally do better with NT men than what autistic men do with NT women. In fact, for the ones that do end up having relationships, they are more likely to end up being with someone else on the spectrum than men do.

For heaven's sake, "a woman?"

What kind of community worker is this? That's a ridiculous thing to say. Your brother will find whoever he finds, whenever he finds her.