Do I have AS? Or...

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Hi there,

I read an article in my local newspaper today on AS, and suddenly I felt things made sense. I almost cried reading that article - it seems to explain why I've always been an oddball and seems to have been written especially for me. When I researched into AS further, I began to be more uncertain as to whether I do have AS, or if I'm just a hopeless oddball case. (No offence to Aspies)

I'm 21, male. Currently in university. Socially inept.

-Had always been the outcast kid in school. Teachers hated me, though I wasn't trying to be a troublesome kid
-uncomfortable around groups of people (a few years ago walking into a cafe for a coffee seemed a daunting task)
-dislike being touched, especially getting a haircut
-socially inept - poor conversational skills (most of my gestures are consciously imitated of other people)
-inability to smalltalk, don't know when to interrupt/shutup
-fear eye contact (very much so)
-High intelligence (but that was 10years ago - 136)
-clumsy - always feeling like i'm not quite myself. Poor motor coordination skills. Had a lot of trouble during gym class in high school. :~( There are some physical combinations that I just can't do (such as straightening both arms out to the left of the body, and kicking to left foot to the right side at the same time)

-tends to be easily obssessed about a certain subject. For example, if I don't control/refrain myself I would end up spending the whole night tonight reading up on past forum posts on AS and reading sites on AS in gerneral (It's already 3:33am here anyway).

-tends to be overly sensitive/insensitive of what the other person is thinking. This could perhaps be due to me not being able to read body signals intuitively, and thence need to analyse them consciously.

-for the same reason, tend to be either an introvert (ie normal self) or extrovert (when trying to be normal, and going over the top). I find that a lot of my behaviour in public is based on consciously copying others. (like sitting on a bus and observing what others are doing so I don't do different)

-Difficulty in expressing emotions. I can remaining looking quite calm after being told that a close relative had a serious car accident. I guess the shock was indeed there, but the facial expressions seems to be just for show (for the benefit of the news bearers).

-I seem to be quite able to come up with puns/satire/sacarsm, and able to understand most without a problem. Though there are quite a number of occassions when I can't get a joke or is the last one to get the joke.

-Had an imaginary friend when I was about six or seven. Was constantly talking to him and explaining things to him over the course of a year. I imagined him to be in my head (rather than an imaginery physical being following me around). It's like having a pen-pal visit and trying to plan ahead on what to say to him when he arrives. (That might have helpped my language skills a lot)

-I often rehearse what I say in my mind (or even softly to myself) before actually saying it. With close friends (not that many) I can do ad lib. I am also camera shy and have low self-esteem.

-Had serious Depression/OCD symtoms previously.

-I wouldn't call myself tidy, but I'd say I'm a perfectionist (though my surrounds are FAR from perfect) (maybe that's what makes a perfectionist)

-Constantly afraid of offending people - and as a result I'm usually unusually polite.

-I have noise cancelling headphones , which I sometimes use in the library without external audio input (so that it just cancels background noise and gives me some quiet). Other students turning pages are enough to distract me from reading/studying.

-On a related note, I find it quite difficult to concentrate and study.

-Losing train of thought in a conversation. Or merely waiting for the other person to finish so that I can continue my point. Inability to follow verbal reasoning/arguments without great effort.

-Was explaining my mechanical watch to a casual friend who's not really interested. She said I've told her about it at least three times in the past. (It's fully automatic and a work of art, but I digress)

I guess virtual interaction (such as here) is easier for me because usually I can freewheel and the reader can turn away if he/she is bored by me. I also have the benefit of editing and proofing before going public. In real verbal situations however, it's a lot more difficult, and my heart palpitates when I'm in a group of people and reasonably expected to socialise with them.

Sorry, i know this is a bit too long, but do you folks think I have sufficient reason to go see a psyche about this? Or do you think I'm just giving myself a cold-reading?

What difference would it make anyway whether or not I have AS? I read that AS is not something curable, so?

If I get confirmation that I indeed have AS, it would mean that my past and current social failures are not my fault, but it also means, probably, that I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, if I get told by a psyche that I don't have AS, then it means something's wrong with me, and that's it's probably my fault.

I want to be normal, and to fit it. I had always feel so excluded when I'm in a group. :~(

Sorry if this sounds egoistic, please trust me that it's not intended to and it merely due to my poor expressions.

Thanks in advance.

Hello amcrazy - you sound a lot like me, and you probably aren't crazy at all.

What would you seek to gain by an official diagnosis? I ask because if there are some good practical reasons for getting a diagnosis such as adjustments at uni to help with your study, then it is worth going for. Or maybe you will feel it helps you to know yourself better, and learn more about your strengths and weaknesses.

Personally, as an adult in my mid 30s, I have not bothered with an official diagnosis - I found that my unofficial diagnosis (by an audiologist and one other medical professional) made me quite depressed for a while. It's worth considering how you may react to the news if you are diagnosed, and what impact it may have on how you view yourself and your capabilities.

If AS is answer, then it is sometimes difficult to remember that it has its benefits as well as its downfalls - in terms of ability to focus on subjects that interest you for a long time, persistence, looking at the world in a different way etc.

Remember that whatever the outcome of your quest, AS isn't something that's 'wrong' with you, it's a difference in the way your brain and thought processes work. You don't necessarily need an official diagnosis to be able to recognise your own strengths and weaknesses.

A lot of what you describe does sound like AS. I've never used noise-cancelling headphones, I would be quite interested in people-cancelling ones!

I hope that helps. And again, welcome.

Thanks very much for the reply Feather, and thanks for the welcome.

Well, I guess if I'm really diagnosed with AS, it would help me explain why my life has been like this all along. As you said, it would acknowledge that my behaviour (pardon my spelling) is due to a biological trait (was about to say "defect" but that might be offensive) and not something about my personality. It might also help me accept myself to be the way I am, and spend my efforts trying to live with it rather than change it.

If I don't have AS, then I would force myself to go out more and meet more people, and force myself to act normal, and beat myself up when I screw up. This might cause a lot of unnecessary embarrassment/discomfort for no end.

I've always seen those problems of mine as periodical (for example, now I'm focussing on my uni life), but learning about AS allowed me to see my troubles since primary school till now in a grand narrative, and it seems to helpping me make sense of things (if that makes sense to you).

In terms of university stuff, there really isn't much they can do for me I reckon. I'll still have to go to class, and sit for exams and write essays. Giving me a longer deadline won't help cos I'll still do doing it in the last minute (though if I'm really interested in the topic, I've previously managed to churn out great essays in a week and hand it in several weeks before due date).

(I've long wondered why most people seem to have it so easy [studying/relationships], while I try so much harder than them and yet get nowhere)

Do AS people ever feel lonely? I don't feel comfortable around people though I do enjoy human company if I feel I fit in. Would that suggest that I don't really have AS?

Welcome to the site amcrazy. A lot of people with AS would like to be sociable, but have trouble fitting in and being comfortable as you described, so that certainly doesn't mean you don't have AS. Its the screw ups, being thought odd, the misunderstandings and having difficulty relating to people that make it unrewarding and hard work for many. Have a browse through a few threads and you'll most likely find a perspective on most of your questions.

Dunc

I hear that. My handful of true, close friends are thoroughly aware of my many and varied idiosyncrasies, and though they sometimes playfully tease me about them, are very understanding and accepting of the oddness (most of my friends are pretty odd, themselves!). I can "be myself" in their company, so I feel safe and accepted...

I'm glad you didn't use the word defect - not just for my own sense of right and wrong, but also because if that's how you view AS, then you will only see negative things in yourself if you view it as such.




I do force myself to go out and meet people, and converse with them. I don't try to act 'normal', but getting out and throwing yourself into social situations is a) a good way to make friends (and yes, you will find people who like you for who you are!) and b) helps you to learn more about socialising, social cues, and appropriate social behaviour. AS does not mean that you can't learn some of these skills, just that they aren't innate and will be more difficult to learn. It can also help you to become more self-confident once you have had a few successes (and you will never have successes if you don't try).




Stress can certainly make any difficulties and differences more frequent and obvious. When I have had a bad day (crowded train, a flickering light at the station, someones cellphone repeatedly beeping 2 seats away from me) I find understanding conversation and instructions, eye contact, and appropriate conversational responses more difficult. I'm more likely to walk a bit odd, talk a bit odd, and rock or flap my hands. On a day where I'm not stressed, I find it all a lot easier, and appear similar to the rest of the population.



Ah the deadline thing, I'm familiar with that - a longer deadline just means that I am frantically trying to finish my work a few days later than I would have been I've never had any adjustments (as a late learner about AS), maybe others can suggest some things your uni/work could put in place to make life easier.



Indeed



Yes I can feel lonely in a crowded room. AS is not about wanting to shun human company, it's to do with not having the innate skills to fit in and socialise with people. Many of us are lonely, or have been lonely, and wish that it was easier to make friends and form relationships with others. I tend to think that those who don't want the company of other humans have been put off by the reaction they get from others, it is not innate that we wish to have no friends. Of course because of sensory overload, many of us prefer to spend some time alone to unwind in our own familiar environment, but this is not the same as not wanting company ever.

Not everyone has all AS traits you will see listed on websites, but I was just wondering. How do you cope with change in environment, routine, plans you have made, or regular schedule? This is often a big issue with AS (definitely my biggest issue, I am completely inflexible - even if I try to anticipate things that may alter my plans, even the smallest change can be very distressing and render me unable to properly function).

EDIT: Sorry, I am feeling particularly verbose this evening. If I'm becoming boring please don't feel obliged to read my inane ramblings!

Welcome to wrongplanet. I think you will find that you fit in just fine here. While I can not say that you have AS or that I have AS for that matter, I can say that you sound a whole lot like me. I only learned of AS back in August of last year. I am still coming to terms with what it means for me. I dropped out of university years ago, largely because I knew that I had been faking it most of my life and an ordinary job simply was not going to be possible for me. In addition, I was beginning to grasp how different I really was from my peers, ...and everyone I else I knew actually. But if I knew about AS then I would have finished. Still I always saw my strengths. Coming out of highschool I had begun to focus on some of these. Particularly my gift for thinking independently and objectively. Persuing these strengths made me feel more and more isolated, and there was a general feeling like maybe I was being selfish and I had brought it all on myself. I knew this is what other people thought. This caused me to go through a period of being very hard on myself. I'll skip all that stuff and just say, it couldn't bridge the gap. So once I decided that it was not my fault, not something I could change, I began to research.
Learning about AS has turned my world upside down. It has answered countless questions about my life. Strange situations, distant memories. But it has not been easy. Some people say it is like a greiving process for the life you thought you might have someday.
But I know myself.

Anyway, I say focus on your strengths. You are sure to have some.
Read some Thoreau, watch Dead Poets Society. I don't know I really think it is a gift more than anything. "most men lead lives of quiet desperation" Carpe Diem!.... and so forth
I'm just rambling now.


Here's a great quote from Elanor Roosevelt, " Great minds discuss ideas, Average minds discuss events, Small minds discuss people."

Welcome! What you describe are symptoms that are very very much like many of mine. Why don't you hang out here at Wrong Planet and compare notes for awhile and see how it goes. There's a lot of good informational exchange that could help you out, perhaps.

Yes, amcrazy. Everything you described sounds very similar to AS. Welcome to the site

Hey amcrazy, for each point I can agree with you (ah, the feeling of explaining it all )

" Some people say it is like a greiving process for the life you thought you might have someday. "

so true.... all the hope you may have harbored is killed like that

*Wow*.

Please excuse me, I think I've got something in my eye...

Amcrazy, I suggest that you research more about AS and explore this site and other that are available on the net. If, after doing this, you honestly believe that you have AS, then this is probably true. If a formal diagnosis would help you decide, then, by all means, go for it. But no diagnosis is exact science, and it is up to you to believe it. What's more, I hear that adult's diagnosis is mostly based on patient's words, so that again puts a big part of the diagnosis in your hands.

Ultimately, the important thing is what helps you. If you have the ability to appear normal and socialize with people, then this is a good thing to try (or so I assume, I don't have that ability ). But if your efforts do not lead to success, I think it's better to accept this, stop blaming yourself, and find an alternate way to live happy.

When I joined WrongPlanet, I was very afraid that people would reject me on the basis that I lacked diagnosis. I couldn't be more wrong, and in fact this turned out to be the first place where I feel fitting in. Please stay and see if you do too. For many people, finding about AS is a difficult epiphany, and many have serious doubts. It is shocking to say "I am autistic".

Whether you are an aspie, or an "oddball" of another kind, we will gladly have one more friend. Welcome to WrongPlanet, amcrazy!

Thanks very much to everybody for the replies and warm welcome! I feel normal here.

Throughout the day today I began to look back in the stuff I've done/said in the past, even things that I did as a young boy, and it all began to make sense why I did what I did.

There are some things that come to me rather naturally though. If I have AS I wouldn't know what things really are like for NTs, but for example, if I'm amused I laugh and that seems to come quite naturally. And reading the AS survival guide by Marc Segar, I seem to know most of those rules (such as calling up before turning up, never turn up uninvited), but at the same time it's also like I know the rules but do not know when I can put it into practice or at the appropriate time.

And yes, I'm very pedantic/upset when my plans don't go on as intended (and usually caused by people!! ARGH!). For example I was out of town (3hrs drive away) meeting a friend and spent the night. Intended to leave after bruch at around 11am so that I could arrive home in the early afternoon. Friend woke up late, had a long lunch, and then wanted to go for coffee etc. It was a Saturday and there was supposed to be no rush. I tried to send non-verbal signal to him which he didn't get, and then I got so mad that I literately shouted at him on the street, saying I don't want to arrive home in the dark, and then I promptly apologised. Few people could take abuses like that, but this was a good friend (a NT with history of depression) and he was most accomodating to my idiosyncrasies. Sorry, a bit too much detail, but now that I think of it, most of my closer friends are a bit odd. Also reading the AS Partners forum at Delphi reminded me of my 4-year relationship with this girl (recently broke up). It was all quite amusing really. <-- Is that inappropriate? Should I be sobbing instead of laughing? But I truly find it funny, I don't know why. (I don't mean to be offensive).

I used to consider myself as a procrastinator, intellectual, slight/moderate OCD, nerd, depressive, insomniac, clumsy, socially inept... Now I have one succint phrase to encompass all these terms! Brilliant.

And now I think I understand why I'm the only one to "get" Nietzsche.

I've long searched for answers to my "weirdness", but AS, so far, seems to be the most fitting description.

Thank you very much for all your support! :~) Thank you!

Whatever you do: DO NOT TRY TO ACT NORMAL, when you know deep inside your soul you are faking it. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago, and I have only started to come to termns with/accepted myself in the last 6 months. Before that I tried acting like NTs, but guess what it didn't work out...

I am still trying to find myself, mainly because when the doctor told me I had a syndrome/desease I was like; Okay, so my personality is a desease...? Yay!

And how can your personality be your fault? Everyone is supposed to be different, it is just society/NTs that don't encourage individuality.

By the way: How many friends do you have? I am jealous. I have never been able to maintain any realtionships what so ever....

If that's not Aspergers, I'm a corn plated juice donkey! Looks like you found the place, for what it's worth, where there are other people like yourself. It's true that we have many common aspects that society is not prepared for, or even friendly to. Just try to understand your own strengths and weaknesses, graduate from school as fast as you can, and don't deal with people who only acknowledge one neurotype. Such people infest the classified ads I'm convinced.

Hi you too!

You are either the best fake to date, or the real thing! Reccomendation ( I don't mean to be condescending, but few Aspies of your age/experience will naturally suspect that non-aspies would want to claim they are so, nor seek to dominate aspie-related sites): Take note of those who responded positively and those you instinctively respond too.