Why do NT's speak in code?

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An NT told me once that I was too honest and that most people are "speaking in code"- since then, I think he may be right but I have a couple of questions for an NT:
1) Why don't you say what you mean/ how often do you "speak in code" in a conversation?
2) If somebody else is speaking in code, how do you decipher the hidden meaning?
3) Do you ever take words at face value?

You sure do have a LOT to learn!

It would take more than a single post from a stranger on a website to teach you anything significant about this.

You would need years of face to face coaching one on one with a person in real life.

I have an ASD and I have wondered this almost all my life from the moment I began to become aware that this does happen. And I have always named it in my head "speaking in code" too.

People (mostly NT) totally "speak in code." I had to discover this after years of confusion.

Things like:
"So I guess you have a lot to do today? You're probably itching to get on, right?!"

Code for: "You are boring me and it's ME who is busy today and wants you to go away and let me get on with my day."

Society in general seems to have agreed that these are perfectly acceptable and polite ways to say things that could sound too blunt if said more honestly.

But I kind of disagree that the real thing they want to say would be too blunt. I would be perfectly fine if someone in the above example just said to me:

"Well, so, it's been great talking to you, I gotta go right now but I'll catch ya again soon."

Instead, when they say stuff like "SO YOU probably need to do stuff today huh?" it goes right over my head as a hint that we need to end the conversation.

I will be confused and wonder why they are saying that suddenly. Just TELL me "Great talking to ya but I gotta run you take care now!"

I regularly wonder why that is not just as polite and acceptable as these stupid, circuitous ways of saying the same thing?

I cannot stand the talking in code thing. I either won't get what they're hinting at or I will get this half-bakded sense that there is some meaning behind what they just said but I don't know what it is.

And I will ruminate on that sentence for DAYS until the "penny drops" and from sheer puzzle solving I will finally recognize what they actually meant. But it's a process of deduction that can take hours or days, rather than a natural and instant understanding. This is why it's so bad for me to spoken to in these ways. It's incredibly confusing to me.

I don't have an answer to why many people do it. I guess they just don't think the straightforward question or fact is palatable, but I disagree, I think there's a polite, palatable way to say ANYthing that's just the truth or even part of the truth.

Like, the person doesn't have to say "You're boring me and I have to go." They just have to say "I have to go now but see you soon."

I don't know my neuro status so I may not be the best person to answer.

As far as I am aware there is no secret NT code ( I hope I'm right ). I think what you are referring to is social rules that many NT's follow i.e. being civil and essentially lying to spare someone's feelings.

examples.

If an NT acquaintance asks 'How are you?' they may not really want to know the truth and are just expecting a 'fine thanks , how are you' response.
'How are you?' can just be a greeting and not a question , it's just basically an extended friendly hello. Where it becomes difficult is some people might actually expect an answer or at least I do if I ask that question but I understand if the answer is ''fine thanks' it either means the person is just being polite ( not burdening you with their issues ) or is actually fine.

I hope this sort of explains one small aspect and is not too confusing , as naturalplastic has said it's a huge subject.

It goes beyond just the "How are you?" issue though.

That is only one of the very superficial layers of it. Other ways of speaking get more labyrinthine and that's where it does indeed start to feel like "talking in code, " very much so.

When someone says something leading instead of just asking a question outright, or when they say something that seems like a non sequitur but it's supposed to convey other information to you, or as above, get information from you.

All of this is more sophisticated, deeper parts of a conversation and it does indeed sound like talking in "code" once you realize what's going on.

"Code" is something that stands in for something else. According to this:
https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dicti ... /code-word

Code is when someone says something in a certain way that avoids saying it another way. Code is something indirect but which is supposedly agreed upon to mean something else.

So yes, there is a secret "code." It's a manner of conversation that many people do use which is by any other name "code". Ways of saying something or asking something that is completely indirect and skirting the real issue, but which you are expected to know what they actually mean by it. And many of us don't.

You can call it "politeness but I just call it beating about the bush and not being direct.

And I do believe that even directness can be used politely without this BS.

I feel that the fear of offending somebody, whether for altruistic reasons or not, is the impetus behind the existence of this "code."

Many "primitive" societies have much more labyrinthine social rituals than we do.

Folks don't really "talk in code" all of the time.

And when they do its usually unconscious. Just spouting social niceties like "how are you?" (which is really just 'hello' expanded, not really a request for an inventory of how your life is going at the moment).

But sometimes it is conscious. For all kinds of reasons. It could be to paper over nasty stuff with euphemisms. It could be a dog whistle to address a subgroup that you belong to and not other people (race, gender, creed, whatever). And so on.

I think I'm coming from a different place with regards to a secret code due to my background and I didn't want to sound like I was complete nutjob by suggesting there was some sort of conspiracy going on.

I've had paranoid episodes in the past , my first when I was 19 which I think may of shaped the way I currently think.
The type of paranoia where 2 people are talking about something which on a literal level has nothing to do with me but I've interpreted it as being about me. I know that is possible for 2 people to talk about a 3rd person while they are present in some type of code if the 3rd person is not aware of the code.
I think my biggest issue is due to some sort of cognitive rewiring when I was paranoid it made me hyper vigilant about looking for secret codes which is not a good place to be. I know I am not au fait with these types of NT social rules but have a basic grasp so when I think there is some sort of code being used my mind goes into overdrive trying to decipher it and usually comes out with worse case scenario , I'd probably stand a better chance of translating Japanese ( I don't speak it ).

*removes tin foil hat*

It seems as an indirect way of achieveing something.

It's just a different mental world. They implicitly assume that you're a NT, and work with that mental model of you.
Without going into whether this game of "speaking in code" is good or bad, we must admit that from the perspective that they make the general implicit assumption that you're a NT and therefore "just like them" (in terms of thinking & affect) it is actually a sensible thing for them to speak to you in code.

It's just the society perpetuating this code through generations. Even non-NTs adopt it, because they deal with so many NTs who would otherwise misunderstand their behavior as a deviation from the mean.
I think there are varying degrees of "speaking in code"; if you "speak in code" to a very low degree, it is quickly recognized as a kind of 'discriminative stimulus'.

But you know, there are people who just speak more directly than others.
Some people are just very frank, very direct, very candid. And most such people won't fake their reactions or who they are. Many NTs are like that, so it's hard to generalize it to a NT vs non-NT issue.

They don't want to offend anybody.

There is usually code/ implied meaning. For example I used to work in a cafe a couple of years ago I was making biscuits, a girl looked at me and said "Where is the recipe?" Later I found out that she admitted to me that she thought that I didn't know how to make the scones.

With your example your coworker admittedly questioned your ability by using code , I not sure I could of made the connection with that comment and would of given her the recipe if there was one - If I knew it was code there is no way I would entertain that BS and probably would of asked why she needed it when I handed it over - which I suppose could be considered answering back in code as in - Here's the recipe , I know what you thinking , try and and find fault with my ability - you won't.


Edit: I just told my GF your example and she told me your example is 'woman speak' ( whatever that really means )

It took me years to get "how are you". I used to reply "not very well", followed by a summary of my recent medical history. Now I do a "fine" and smile a bit. I never ask how they are... well they appear to be standing in front of me in rude health.
Local idiomatic speech is also a problem... as I'm not local (ie Yorkshire). I often get "you should try some water in it". My wife explained that it means I should dilute my whiskey and is meant to be light-hearted... but I take it very personally. I'm tempted to answer "I have a neurological problem which affects my balance, as a result I don't drink much... how much do YOU drink then"... but they just get the limp smile instead.
I don't know if it's exactly a code. Some of it you get used to, but I wish that everyone could be a bit more straight talking. I believe that trying not to hurt people's feeling often results in the very opposite.

Oh... and I've just remembered the ex-girlfriend who said "you're very sweet". I got that very quickly... "you're very sweet... BUT...". I actually can laugh about that one now.

And your point is?

It doesn't matter whether there are other societies that may be thought to have "more labyrinthine" social ritual than we do.

It doesn't change the fact that these bits of coded ways of asking things and saying things are labyrinthine anyway, period.

And that to some of us, certainly to me, I find that confusing, torturous and an incredible waste of time and energy on the part of both the code speaker and me the confused recipient.

It is something I truly detest even though unfortunately the world operates on this "speak" and there's nothing I can do about it except continue to be confused when someone hits me with some of this s**t.

Also, I'm not so sure it's always about fear of offending someone.

Some of this code is actually INTENDED to offend "without offending." In other words, some of it is actually passive-aggressive in nature, and the speaker fully knows it.

Prime example of this sub-type of code speaking:
Where I used to live, there was a type of person who came from a type of culture who ALL understood that there is a phrase that sounds kind and sweet. But which, when used in certain contexts, was actually intended to mean something insulting.

It's not a conspiracy theory -- I learned (the hard way) and from multiple sources that yes, this IS a "thing" understood to be used as a coded weapon of insult not kindness. Even though the words themselves are "kind" on face value.

And stupid, literal-minded me at first took those words at face value, and I had even started using this phrase myself on other people, and getting reactions of instant dislike -- and I didn't know why!! !!

Until more than one person independently clued me in on the "code."

Seriously. There's a f*****g code. And it's nasty stuff for reasons of the above faux pas potential. If you wanna call it something else, that's just semantics. Don't call it a code if you like. But it's a code dude.

It's a way of saying things that isn't direct, and you have to use another set of things to say, to say something else entirely.

A rose is still a rose by any other name. And this is "code" that people use and it's BS.

At my age I have learned enough NT "code" to understand how much I do not understand a lot of "code".

Don't leave me hanging dude ( I use the word dude for all sexes , species and some inanimate objects ), please tell me the phrase.