Am I odd because I don't feel envy or jealousy?

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I became the target of a narcissist smear campaign that blind sided me. I wish that I could have foreseen what provoked this person before hand. After much contemplation and fasting, I believe that my inability to feel envy was the root cause. I was interning for another artist who has a gigantic ego. We became quick friends, but it started to fall apart when I shared the good things that were happening for me. He became distant after I told him about my vacation. I only made things a million times worse when I volunteered at the museum and made friends with the visiting artist. I truly wanted to share the experience with him, but he shut down and was mad. I am married, but I knew that he was attracted to me even though, he was dating several other women. I thought that I was cramping his style, so I tried to repair the situation by giving him space and in a horribly awkward way tried to assert the platonic relationship which he viewed as a rejection. This put him in a tailspin, and he felt that I needed to be destroyed. He promptly told me that I need a break. He used every tiny imperfection in my character, appearance, and etc. to smear my reputation with his friends. Heaven only knows what lies he is spinning as well. He's not above it either.

Even as a child I never was envious or jealous of another. I have always considered this trait as a super strength of my character. Not until recently have I understood this as a weakness. Obviously, to never be jealous is odd. I don't know of another person with this inability except for my husband. This could be why we found each other attractive. Surely, there are other people, but I don't know them intimately enough to understand if they feel envy or not.

Upon researching people with Asperger's syndrome, the main social problem is that they lack cognitive empathy. What this means is that they are unable to see how another person feels. That is something that I always thought that I could do, even though, I have failed miserably. I always thought that I understood people because I feel awful for their pain and happy for their successes. This is true; however, I don't understand envy because i can't feel it. I have to imagine how it would feel to hate someone for something I don't have instead of nurturing or finding that thing for myself.

Envy is a strange emotion. I have listened to several clinical psychologist explain it through their youtube videos about narcissist. One doctor explained envy as the feeling a first born child has towards the newborn sibling. The first born knows that his/her station in life will not be the same. They will no longer be the first priority and will be loosing their position in the family. This emotion with the child's underdeveloped mind turns the emotion of envy/jealousy into hate!

The underlying emotion of a narcissist is envy that turns into hate. This is very important reason why narcissist have a wealth of venom. One of the main techniques for dealing with a narcissist is to not share your successes or happiness. They will see this as a reason to destroy you. Why not them? Why you? Their childlike emotional state turns their envy into fuel to destroy you. Instead of garnering that thing they envy for themselves, they (like a baby) want to steal it from you.

Okay, so what? Why is that such a big deal? Mainly because I can do and say things that upset them unintentionally which in turn makes me the target of bullying. Is this an Aspie thing or a me thing?

Thank you for your help

Could be really just you. But partially an aspie thing in terms of maturity if it's instead of something to do with superiority or ego.


I never felt envy ever since I was around 15.
Before I'm 15, I've been bitter, tired, angry. Accomplishments of others used to piss me off, accusing them of boasting, of being callous. I used to envy NTs, I used to envy those who take things on daily basis for granted.

"Why do you have/can do/allowed X while I don't?"

But I passed that hate and bitterness out of envy. So I retraced my memories back, see what blessings I had.
And did found many. Too many. That all that bitterness and anger isn't all I actually known. So I tried to use my experience of the past -- all of it -- the success and failures.

Afterwards, sure I became happier, healthier.
Then I became a bit powerful myself than myself in the past. Yet I'm starting to relate to many less fortunate aspies less. And others, too, towards those who are pessimistic, competitive, and those who couldn't move onto acceptance of self.
Yet end up relating more a bit towards those who sees more fortunate sides of life.

On my part, even if I have the knowledge and experience of envy and the lack of, I'm still a bit immature to see both sides of lives properly. I know how to conquer envy and jealousy, but to council those who wouldn't, couldn't, or don't...

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I only discovered that I had Asperger's about a year and a half ago. Not until this recent unfortunate experience have I actually researched it more in depth. The two books I'm reading have not mentioned the lack of envy traight, so this forum has helped.

Thank you for your well thought out response. Hopefully, I can learn to adapt to other people's feelings. It's hard for me to constantly remind myself of other people's insecurities while talking with them as to not upset them.

Lately, I'm slow to respond during conversations, and I prefer to text or email instead. This experience has really shaken me to my core. I never try to intentionally hurt other people's feelings, but I do.

I have had a very difficult life. Of course I envy people who have had all the breaks in life. However I do the best I can with the crappy cards I was dealt. That's all any of us can do. Try and work with what you have. I don't have supportive family or abundant financial resources.....yet even so I do more with my meager resources than many others with more do.

I have many times been the target of narcissists. MANY times, and I only recently got the underlying issue. I realized that I automatically people-please as a way to avoid letting anyone actually get close or care about me. This is a set up for being taken advantage of because I was too happy to fulfill another person's ego without them having to care about me. The non abusers got tired of me because I always pushed their attention away. Once I saw this, I challenged myself to let (non narcissist) people in, and say no to those who needed me only to do something for them. My relationships with friends changed immediately, and the narcissists got angry because I no longer bent over backwards to please them.

My issue isn't about envy, but I think it is, at least partially, an aspie thing. Too trusting, naive, can't read bad intentions or manipulation until it's too late, my coping mechanism to avoid connecting to people.

That their envy turns to hate is so true. What do they bother to spend so much energy to tear others down? I've never understood how someone could act that way either.

I don't feel envy or jealousy either. It's an alexithymic thing, plus I think a product of literal thinking.
I once tried to understand this talking to a man who was jealous of a friend of his, who was in a relationship with the woman my conversation counterpart desired. He was jealous because he wanted what this other man had.
Which makes no sense - you can never be another person. You can never have exactly what another has, because you are not them. Even if he himself was in a relationship with the woman in question, it would be a different situation, a different relationship, and she would never be the same with him as she is with her current boyfriend.
I sometimes use the word jealous, but mean it as in "wow that's awesome, I'd love to do that too."
It's a positive thing, rather than a negative, and it's cognitively based rather than emotionally based.
He looked at me like I was nuts and I realized I'm just too different for normal people to understand my thinking.

I have not experienced what it's like to feel envy or jealousy, either, nor, have I given thought to a possible connection between this and being a target for malignant narcissists tactics. This is something I will be contemplating. Everything you have explained makes so much sense. I have chalked off being targeted, as simply, being too open about things of which show vulnerability, or, that I am, generally, happy, or have a nurturing disposition, all of which, manipulative narcissists mistake as weakness. I don't give thought to whether or not I could be saying something that could offend, or bruise a person's ego, and, it seems that, once this happens, no matter how far into a friendship I am with the person, they snap into some other type of entity, of which is unrecognizable.

The smear campaign is the worst of the worst mental, emotional, psychological abuse, and, is extremely damaging. I have experienced two in the real world, and one, here, online. As per literature I've been reading, as well as my psychologist, the damage caused by the smear campaign can literally alter one's DNA, in addition to the immense psychological destruction, alienation and isolation it causes. What I am wondering is, how does one defend themselves against those who have no problem lying, inventing their own truths, and the like, if we don't possess those capabilities, ourselves. All we can do, in an effort to protect ourselves and our mental well-being seems to be, running as fast and as far away from the destruction/destructive person, as we can possibly get, and never looking back. But, in retrospect, in doing so, we give up far too much. What else is there to do, is what I would like to know...

Never mess witha narcissist. Be cunning be vigilant dont trust anyone. Good luck.

Thank you for the advice! When you say, 'become a narcissist', is it safe to assume that you mean, one should simply,think like a narcissist? Or, are there particular (nondestructive) behaviours one could benefit from assuming?

edit: It just hit me, that your initial advice contains the 'behaviors one could benefit from assuming'. Thanks, again.

I have also been the target of a narcissist smear campaign on many, many occasions especially in workplace scenarios.

So I deeply feel your pain Idiosyncratic, and I'm fighting back tears right now because I know how painful it is and how destructive it can be especially to one's job and method of survival.

But I have never mastered this method of attack from NTs so I don't have any helpful points to give you because I'm still trying to figure this out myself. I guess the best I can do right now is simply share my experience and hope that will alleviate some of the pain that you feel.

As an Aspie, I have always been able to master the skills that my current job or previous jobs have thrown at me a little bit quicker than most. And NTs usually see this very quickly and became jealous or threatened and thus began the usual smear campaign. this scenario has played itself out so many times that I've lost count but I believe it's around 30 times.

My usual strategy is to simply make sure I'm good friends with the boss or my immediate supervisor and then once in a while try to make peace with those who fear me but that never pans out. As long as the boss is happy then that has usually helped.

As for your situation I think the only thing you can do is simply persevere because I don't suggest you pull back on your abilities or your experiences because that will only hurt yourself for the sake of someone else's ego.

Someone else's ego is never, ever good reason to hamper pull back on your own happiness.

I hope things improve for you.

_________________
*** High Functioning Autism - Asperger's Syndrome ***

ADHD, OCD, and PTSD.

Keep calm and stim away.

I truly appreciate everyone's input and advice. I have lost two close friends and many acquaintances through this mess, but I figure it is like cutting off dead branches from my tree. In my past, some people have turned on me as if a switch went off. This always seems to happen when things are going really great for me. I think that this lack of envy/jealousy thing could be one of the root causes.

My mentor (the narcissist) couldn't say enough good things about me until I became friends with the more intellectual crowd. I should have realized this would bother him because he hates to be considered stupid: his needle. My only advice through this is to learn people's needle and tread extremely lightly. I doubt that i will be able to manage that. I fasted for nine days before this dawned upon me. When he initially attacked me on Facebook, I wanted to hurt him back. Fortunately, I waited and thought my response through. I decided to text him a polite thank you for mentoring me and that I wish he would tell me where we went wrong. He texted that everything is good. Yeah right.

After researching narcissist smear campaigns, all advise to not respond at all. Everything you do and say could be twisted by the narcissist to prove that they are a victim of you for whatever reason they choose to make up.

Once, he offered to assist me in destroying another person's reputation. He said, "It is so easy.. all you have to do is plant a seed of doubt with his friends, and it will grow into a tree of hate all on its own! You can say whatever you want. The bigger the lie the more it will be believed because who would make up such a thing if it wasn't true!" That is when I realized that he was off, but I naively thought that he would never hurt me because we are such good friends. What a fool I am

Thankfully, I don't have to ever see him again. This would probably be impossible for most.

I realized that I automatically people-please as a way to avoid letting anyone actually get close or care about me. This is a set up for being taken advantage of because I was too happy to fulfill another person's ego without them having to care about me. The non abusers got tired of me because I always pushed their attention away. Once I saw this, I challenged myself to let (non narcissist) people in, and say no to those who needed me only to do something for them. My relationships with friends changed immediately, and the narcissists got angry because I no longer bent over backwards to please them.

I get the people-pleasing thing. I was always thankful to have a friend that enjoyed spending time with me. Lately, I have learned to set up boundaries. This tip is also good advice for dealing with and identifying a narcissist because they always want more than they should.