Knowing your limitations vs Making excuses

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This is something I kind of struggle with. Things like whether I should go to a social event. Before my diagnosis, I often skipped this kind of thing because I'd just feel awkward, stressed, and bored.

Being diagnosed hasn't made this kind of thing any easier. Now I know why I feel awkward, stressed, and bored, but now it almost feels like I'm making excuses if I don't go.

Not that I never go to social things, but it feels like it makes the decision making process harder.

How do other people feel about things like this? What do you do about it?

I never go to social things other than special recreation programming. In my case it is out of preference rather than making excuses. Making excuses is not doing something because you have decided that you “can’t” do something whereas knowing your limits is being aware of what does and doesn’t work for you.

Listen to yourself and respect your limitations. If you don't the consequences down the line could be drastic.

For me, the question to ask about a social or recreational event is: "Am I going to enjoy this?" Generally, if I believe I will not enjoy myself, I just don't go.

There are a few family functions that I figure I better go to, whether I enjoy them or not. So I go, and socialize a small amount, and then just find a corner to sit in quietly until the thing is over. It's worth it, I feel, to keep family ties intact, and besides there are not that many of these occasions.

I just don’t like going to gatherings containing more than a few people, plus loud, extraneous music.

I just don’t see the use in having to be in a place where I can’t hear myself talk.

You don't need to justify why you like or dislike something. If you don't like Brussels sprouts, for example, you don't have to provide a reason for why, you just don't eat them. Life's too short to waste time on things you hate (that's vastly oversimplified; of course there are some things you absolutely have to do, but usually social events are not mandatory).

The line between the two can be rather thin sometimes, especially when you don't even want to do that something you can't do. In those situations I sometimes wonder if I really can't or if I'm just making excuses 'cause I don't want to do something.

How do you figure out if you just "decided" you can't do something or you are "aware" of what does and doesn't work for you? Isn't "making decision" what you can and can't do based on "awareness" what does and doesn't work for you, while the "awareness" might be based on false assumptions/confirmation bias? Such as: "Last time I were at a wedding reception I had a meltdown so I can't participate in wedding receptions" while forgetting you were at 3 different wedding receptions in your lifetime and only the most recent one was that bad and the cause was that the music was too loud and it couldn't be changed due to technical issues (broken subwoofers + a ballroom too small for that level of noise).

BTW. I am also constantly being angry with myself for "making excuses" and wondering if they are actually excuses. Is refusing to go to a job with early shifts (6-14) because I am more prone to meltdowns when I don't get enough sleep and I seem unable to change my evening routines so I need to sleep at least till 7-8AM an excuse? Is refusing to work 14-22 one too, based on the fact my roommate works this hours and I need my time alone and can't deal with the fights over bathroom so I couldn't stand overlapping schedule? Is refusing to work at night an excuse because I am afraid it will kill my health, make me depressed and totally mess up my schedule? I could work anytime between 8:00 and 21:00 so its not like I don't want to work! But (another excuse) all jobs that seem well fit for my abilities (production) have those 3 shifts and those with normal work time are too social. But isn't "too social" an excuse too? I can deal with people and I like spending time with them as long as I have enough time by myself - I am just afraid they won't accept me, the customers will be angry with me or/and I mess up and will be angry with myself for causing problems for the company because I know I am a weird person that often makes people angry/disappointed (another excuse?).

Hello,

I notice your thinking process concerning decision making is quite deep/involved (very good!). I also sense alot of self-skepticism (very good!). I also notice negative past experiences, and that you wish to avoid them in the future (very good!). Additionally, I notice your wish to change something, while doing it in a safe way (very good!)

I said "very good!" 4 times.
When those 4 things are combined together with a complex situation that you have, it can make thinking very difficult for you.
Instead of being angry at yourself, congratulate yourself and give yourself some compassion =) because things really aren't that easy, and I sense that you know this aswell.

My opinion is this: if possible, try do experiments on "small-scale". Right? This means that you don't just make a huge change, but one small change, and see how this change worked out. This will give you real-life feedback, and give your mind more information about actual dynamics of the situation. This feedback also helps the mind, so it doesn't need to do so much deep thinking and mental simulations of the future because it is now 'grounded in reality' (cognitive biases removed by putting things to test)

Ralph Waldo Emerson said "An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory."

So try small change in action first, and it will improve your theory. Then after that, you can try bigger changes depending on outcomes. It may take time, but I think what works is the approach of finding solution through 'successive approximations' (each attempt gets you closer!)

An acceptable limitation for an Autistic person is to simply not bother going to social events as you've described. The more people know about your diagnosis the better and those who were at the event won't feel snubbed and they'll simply understand.

If that's a concern that is. I usually don't worry about such things.

In all honesty I don’t know how to answer your question.

I couldn't agree with BeaArthur more. This is exactly how I decide these kinds of things.

My general line of thinking is this. The idea of a social occasion is to socialise. If I can predict that, should I attend, I won't be able to hold a conversation or join in the activities, regardless of what autistic trait is the cause, then I won't be socialising - just "present", but no more. Therefore, these are not "social" events for me because I'm not able to be "social", and so I generally won't go, as the whole purpose of the event is lost on me. There's not much reason to feel guilty because nobody else is really missing out on anything, as I would barely be interacting with them anyway (or worse, I might be seen as a "party pooper", spoiling the atmosphere.)

I make exceptions if there might be a bad consequence of not going (falling out with someone I care about, for example). In those cases, I go, but I make clear right from the get go that I won't be able to stay long, but that I mean no offence by this (busy tomorrow, didn't sleep well last night, etc., or with those that know, bad match for my autistic traits.) Likewise if it's something I'm unsure about. I might go out of curiosity, but I make sure that I have an escape plan prepared, and that others are forewarned that I might not stop long - and it's a lovely surprise if I find myself having a good time.

It's got a lot easier since I've admitted my diagnosis to friends and family, because that means they have lower expectations of what I might attend, and when I do, it is a nice surprise for them too (I hope!)

Knowing your limitations can help direct your efforts into more promising paths. Excuses are about wanting to take the easy way just to slack off.

Knowing your limitations helps you. Making excuses hurts you.

Yes. Great way to put it.