Do your parents remember your childhood differently than you

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I have recently been trying to talk to my mom about things I specifically remember as a kid. And some of it she doesn't remember. Like the most recent one is that I have memories of fears I had as a kid but she says she doesn't remember me being scared of much of anything. Do you think kids hide that stuff from their parents? Apparently I did. Or maybe I just have a lot of false fear memories.
Do you think parents really know what their AS children are going through/went through emotionally?

My mother paid no attention to me in that way. As long as I was quiet with a book, she was happy to clean the house and let me raise myself. She didn't push me on swings, plait my hair, read me bedtime stories or tuck me in bed. She wouldn't have a clue what I was afraid of. I was well provided for with material things, but not emotional support. I should add that she had no idea I'm autistic. She still doesn't, because I didn't tell her about my assessment which only happened last year.

Everyone remembers things differently because what gets stored in your long term memory is selective.

Though also, yes, part of autism can be a reduced sharing of emotions and interests, and your perception of how much other people are aware of about you, what you might have shared or neglected to share isn't very easy to pin down, especially when another part of autism is having trouble with understanding how other people think/perceive things. Given that, maybe you can assume someone knows about things you didn't actually tell them about.

In my autism assessment we talked about my time at secondary school, and I realised for ages I'd just kind of assumed they must have known how bad it was...except I don't think it actually occurred to me to talk to them and share what was going on at school or my feelings. I definitely 'hide' stuff-not deliberately I don't think, I just often don't know how or when I should share these kinds of things and how to articulate my feelings and things that have happened. When I do, it's often something I've scripted/practised and I tend to be very matter-of-fact about it, which I think gives the impression I'm not really bothered or I'm being hyperbolic.

That is a really good question. I would guess that in most cases it's a no. Especially for those who weren't diagnosed there are going to be significant communication issues.

Memory varies a lot, but something I noticed here is that some folks on the spectrum (myself and my son included) have a lot of detailed memories from a very early age and somewhat less emotionally driven memories than usual.

Memory varies a lot, but something I noticed here is that some folks on the spectrum (myself and my son included) have a lot of detailed memories from a very early age and somewhat less emotionally driven memories than usual.[/quote]
I have a ton of random memories that I know no one but me will remember. Like I specifically remember sitting in my carseat when I was like 3 or something and flipping through the pages of a book. I had the book memorized because of how much it was read to me.

Nearly all of my memories are tunnel vision / sensory-based impressions. I usually remember the smell or the sound of an event, or what I was thinking to myself at the time ... even if it was unrelated. It's like a static, sensory snapshot.

I seldom remember events in an episodic way, and I can't picture the other people or what they did and said.

I went to DisneyWorld but all I remember is the smell of the air, and I was thinking about the water cycle. I also remember exactly how my shirt felt on my skin.

My son has a couple of memories from before being 1 year old. He gave details he couldn't have heard from someone else or seen in pictures. Both he and I have a coherent, fairly episodic recollection of our lives starting around the age of 3 - not every day of it, of course

From what you say, I'd feel inclined to trust my memories if I were you, they don't sound like confabulation.

Yes, types of memory can vary quite a bit. Is this how your memory always worked?

I learned to hide my emotions from my mother and grandmother quite early. It was a survival skill to hide my weaknesses. I learned extensive masking so I wasn't easy to hurt.
Even without it, I was notoriously misinterpreted. It's a typical part of being on the spectrum.

Primarily, yes.

I compare childhood memories with my older brother. He'll say "We went to .... and then ... and I said ... and you said ... and then .... and we all lived happily ever after" , whereas my memory of the same event will be "It smelled like, um... you know that smell that's kind of like a cross between (this thing) and (that thing)? ... plus there was hole in my sock on my left foot. Sorry but I didn't even realise you were there. I was thinking about Kermit the Frog".

Of course there are many anecdotal stories I can tell from my childhood but I realise they're the same stories I've told over and over again since they occurred, and even those are very sensory-based. They always involve a lot of my metacognition.

Yes, my parents remember my childhood differently than I do. This is a problem for neurotypicals, too, and so really needn't pertain to your diagnosis.

We all remember events from our own perspectives. Add to that masking behaviors, and kids not wanting to tell their parents certain things, and the situation becomes even more complicated.

Remember, too: Children (neurodiverse or neurotypical) are naturally egocentric and immature, and so they tend to think parents and other adults will just 'know' what is wrong or what happened to them. This is normal kid stuff.

I talk with a lot of adult survivors of child abuse. One of the saddest things I hear (or read) over and over again is that, when they were little, they thought their parents would just 'know' something bad had happened to them. They often did not realize they actually had to speak it out in order for the truth to be known.

Elizabeth Smart said that once, while she was being help captive and wearing clothing covering her from head to toe - only her eyes were visible - they were approached by a police detective. Elizabeth did not say a word but kept thinking, "Please save me! Please save me!" She was amazed when the detective walked away without intuiting that she was a kidnapped kid.

So, yeah. Our parents remember things not only from their particular perspective, but from an adult perspective. Our memories, on the other hand, were formed in childhood with a child's perspective.

Last edited by ProfessorLupin on 18 Apr 2019, 2:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You and I are so similar magz. It's baffling to read your posts!

Giant hugs! (and I hope you're having fun building blanket forts!)

Hugs back to you! My family gave me a day off (husband left with the kids for Easter a day earlier than me) and I'm enjoying it - but let's not hijack the topic

I'm usually more like your brother - most of my memories are neutral, like a film made by an observer who's only documenting, without much emotion or sensation attached to them. But that side of me is always there as I'm living my life. It only fades in the presence of strong emotions.

BUT memories related to powerful emotional states (either positive or negative) become very sensory loaded/based, particularly smell and sound, and because of that some scents and sounds trigger very strong emotional reactions in me.

magz If I may ask, what's ailurophrenia?

It's a word I made up to describe my older (Aspie) daughter. Greek: "ailuro-" - "of a cat", "-phrenia" - "mind". Mind of a cat. Sounds pretty medical, doesn't it?