Know thyself

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Before considering ASD, I would have said I know meself. Now, not so much.

My very first AQ score was 26 since I thought I was spontaneous, flexible, could multitask, etc. Then I realized, I do those things when I HAVE TO and it's horrible. Mostly I lean on my husband for those things. I had thought "I'm not upset that I can't do my special interests, I know I need to be doing these other things (work, young children), so I'm just in constant state of agitation, that's not 'upset'."

Now my AQ score is steady in the 33-35 range. It increased as I was more honest with myself. Now I notice how I am overwhelmed many times a day. Now I notice that I identify patterns more than I thought (and relish them). I wouldn't have said I had significant social challenges, until, well I looked.

On the RDOS I come up moderate ASD (117) and moderate NT (101). On RAADS-R I am in range for both ASD and NT (120). I know I am more comfortable with the other "odd" person in a room.

So I guess I am who I am, and I'm not really sure who that is, and I'm unique just like everyone else. I value truth (yes, I know truth is relative, not absolute) and it's a bit annoying that I don't even know the truth of myself (relatively or absolutely). That said, I've been at this post for hours and need to give some attention to the family. It's the right thing to do.

I have learnt a huge amount about myself recently, but I don't necessarily know what it means. I dluctuate between thinking I may have asperges or I may be NT with the odd few traits...

I seem to be going round in circles. In a way I could do with being assessed to see where I stand, but in another way I am scared to know the results.

It takes time to figure out who you are after finding out you have been living your life partially on misinformation.

To those of you who did find out who you really are:

*HOW* did you find out?

i don't think anyone can know their self, because the self doesn't exist.

My AQ has stayed consistent at 28 (Broad Autistic Phenotype), but my functioning and opportunities for socialization have increased dramatically in the decade between testing times. I'm still different from others, but now I've learned to be far more independent.

@Mountain Goat, which one feels like it fits more? or which ones scares you more? For me ASD feels like it fits more. Both ASD and NT scare me, but NT more.



@ASPartOfMe, are you further along in the journey than not relative to your AS diagnosis?



@Callafiriel, I hear some/most people live in denial and/or just don't care. And that certain personalities "NF" are more susceptible to introspection. Not to derail, but since online testing has been an interest of mine. I am an ENFP: "They are the only type that can test as anything. Being able to identify with all types is just part of being an ENFP." So maybe it's like the only constant about change is change. The only way of being is being all ways. Even so, I want to know.



@Raleigh, if you care to, what is "self"? (universal, interdimensional, what's that word that I want that is similar to pretend?)



@IstominFan, do you relate to a label these days or not? If so, how? "traits"? I was fairly comfortable (ignorant) with my level of traits until there was Life stress. I look forward to being on the other (better) side of this.

One thing that scares me is if I am found to be on the spectrum, that I will be treated like I am like a child, or as if I had no legs... I mean...
Right. How can I explain things. When I am good as in the times when I am unstressed and at peace and have been like this foe a while so I have had no shutdowns... I can cope with most things and have no issues. (As I am about 90+% convinced that what I get are partial shutdowns, as not only do some of the descriptions seem to describe what I am having, other areas of the spectrum I can also relate to, where other possibilities don't seem to quite fit somehow, though thyroid gland acting up seems to also fit, but it does not account for the few other autistic traits I feel I believe I have).
When I am struggling... The last few years I have never had it so difficult apart from times at school. But physically speaking this year has probably been the most difficult of all. Sometimes I have been having six to ten partial shutdowns per day almoat every day foe months which has had me so drained of energy that I do not know how I survived. If they are not shutdowns then what are they? I have had to sometimes shut myself off in my bedroom for hours because we have had so many visitors come up (Brother keeps inviting groups of 8 to 15 people a time as he is very sociable and wants to help everyone... Also the more my Mum is stressed, the more I am stressed as I can't help her, as when I am stressed I get partial shutdowns robbing me of strength and energy... Often I have to lie down as I can't walk. I have never had it this bad for so long).

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Now I could be an NT who is going through a bat patch and has had lifelong issues with trying to cope with life? I am naturally a little reclusive and shy. I am more of a loner but I do not neccessarily want to be completely alone. In other words, to have my Mum around is beneficial as I would suffer from lonliness if I didn't live with her. Yet, I am not one to want to live in a busy place. I mean... Let me give an example. If I went on a campling trip and I found out that there is a single large tent to sleep around 20 people packed in, I would be the one sleeping outside. I would rather be soaked and freezing, then sleep in the tent.
If I am invited to a party I do all I can to get out of it, though I sometimes have no choice. It is not that I don't like the people. It is more that I... Umm. Put it this way. For my birthday I have always asked to have a quiet tea time meal rather then a party. Just immediate family. No fuss. The best birthday I can remember ever was the last one. My brother and his wife took me and my Mum to a local beach. The day was cloudy and fresh. It looked like it could rain... The type of weather the beaches are quiet. The shops are quite but they are open. We were almoat their only customers... It was absolute bliss!


Now if I am found to have asperges, then what scares me is what happens next?

Now if I am also scared to be classed as NT because it means I am back to square one which for me is even worse.

Exactly.

I am sure I am on the spectrum; however, only 80% sure it would be to a clinical degree. Although my recent work stress has highlighted that it might be. My doubt is mainly from my parents - my mom doesn't care for "labels" and my dad says I was and am just fine (apparently it's my choice to have difficulties - really he just doesn't see these things as difficult, so sees it as my choices).

BTW - You and I are the same age. When I grow up...

Sharon,

I don't believe a label would really help at this point, as it may compromise the independence I worked hard to build. One thing I need to control is my reaction to stressful moments, but this is, by far, an easier problem to deal with than the loneliness of my past.

I'm glad it's easier now. I am in a similar place: I was generally lonely and depressed, now I am generally happy and "spazzy" (bursts of upset). I look forward to earning this next level of wisdom.

I feel at the moment that I may neither be one or the other. I feel there is no catagory to put me in. It is one reason why I don't like the modern tick box world as I never seem to fit in any if the boxes!
Umm. Maybe what I just said makes no sense as to not fit any of the boxes means I maybe on the spectrum? Oh, I can't work it all out. Haha!

I think knowing oneself is really important because you're stuck with yourself all your life. Regardless of how close your relationship with someone is they're not you and they can't understand you completely. Only you yourself can understand and protect yourself.

I think having a poor sense of self is a part of Aspergers as is going around in circles. The Executive Function of the brain which is about being able to organise and prioritise does not work properly.

But is executive function related to the sense of self? I have it but i have no trouble identifying my self. I do create fake personas when i'm with people but i know i am faking when i'm doing it.
Although I've heard lots of aspies have the problem where they mask so much to please people they start to "become the mask" so to speak.

Yes. I believe that I was doing that for many years. I am not sure as I am still inward looking into my life, but I may have been automasking and on top of that as an extra sense of inward security I would add extra acting thick with a sense of humour mask, so in effect (If I am right in this as it is only in part clues as I unravel my life that I am trying to discover who the real me is) I may have been doubly masking, if that is possible. I had the auto mask where I know I was doing to protect myself from rebuke from school teachers or from people in athority at work in the past... where I would manually switch on or off the sense of humour mask which was an acting thick mask built in to humour.
It is very difficult for me to fathom who I am. I have always had thoughts of "If only they knew the real "Me" but even I struggle who this person is. Masking... I believe where I may have been repeatedly hitting burnout or the fringes of some sort of burnout that the masks come off and I can feel very vunerable, and it could be why I have been getting such a difficult time to try to cope, as if I can't mask... Well. I am dead serious. All my humour seems to go. Or is this depression?
Gosh, feelings are so... Well. If I felt one feeling at a time I would be able to know what it is. When feelings mix together then I don't know what is going on... Lots of feelings mixed into one just feels like a build up of unexplainable pressure! Is like mixing lots of plasticine colours where they all come out like a grey or brown almost colourless mass... I believe when I get pressure like that is when I feel like I am going to explode! Could that be something like a mild meltdown? Who knows!
Sorry. Going off tangent. What was the question? Masking. (I had to look!) Yes, I mask! Haha!