Dealing with people "fake agreeing" with you??

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Jayo
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18 Sep 2020, 7:38 am

So, how have you guys dealt with it when people "fake agree" with you??
Or do you even recognize when it happens(?)
This is actually an NT behaviour that bothers me (as if there weren't quite a few already!) as if some people abhor assertive communication.
Yes, I can understand in certain situations you "go along to get along", but there have been times where it was genuinely counter-productive for the other person to agree with my viewpoint or request or what-have-you. :(
I suppose they were just sticking to the NT maxim that "up to 90% of communication is nonverbal", and expected me to pick up signals that what I was asking was making them feel uncomfortable, but I didn't b/c to me - as a matter of objective principle - the other person should have the backbone to speak up and disagree. It's not like I'm a very intimidating individual, or a Don Corleone or something of the sort :P

While this sort of "fake agreeing" to save face is, stereotypical speaking, the purview of Asian cultures, it's happened quite a few times IME 8O

Sometimes, I've had to ask the other person "are you sure"? (As if I'm going to be crushed if they disagree with my opinion or idea.) And I've occasionally noticed certain shifts of the eyes or corners of the mouth, the latter being a snicker ESPECIALLY if peers are around :x basically the nonverbal way of saying "yeah, whatever, you weirdo!! what you think or want in the situation doesn't count, b/c you're not all there." :evil:

I did have this more perverse and toxic behaviour from a former housemate who in hindsight was a covert narcissist with PAPD (passive-aggressive personality disorder), so I came to realize HE was the one who was really effed up and had the attitude problem, so I was glad that I detached myself from that situation. It dawned on me later that he'd deliberately agree to things with no intention of following through from the get-go, just to piss people off. :x Of course, we have difficulty sometimes in recognizing those toxic personalities (other more "normal" NTs do too, BTW, but for us it's a greater challenge).

Well, if anyone disagrees with the above, feel free to tell me so :P
Also, would be curious to hear any opinions you have on gender differences as to "fake agreeing" - I personally found that it's a little more common in women but not a whole lot more so. As I have been with some more outspoken females that I've dated. So I don't want to stereotype.



ToughDiamond
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18 Sep 2020, 11:38 pm

I don't hold with the practice of humouring people, wouldn't do it myself, and find it difficult to respect anybody who does it to me. I might well choose to say nothing if I don't agree with what somebody says, but even that can be difficult. If I catch somebody faking agreement with me, I just feel disappointed. I'd probably just change the subject or stop talking. Or more rarely I might, if I'm in the mood and the chance comes up, switch my stated opinion, in the hope of making it hard for them to credibly echo my sentiments and to embarrass them. My opinions are often very nuanced and tentative anyway, and sycophantic people probably ply their craft much more easily on people who hold more dogmatic and partial ideas. There are a lot of "maybes" in what I think and say, and my opinions on most issues are suspended judgement, always allowing that there's probably another side to the coin. So in a way I'm probably too slippery for people to strongly agree or disagree with what I say. I'm not content with conversation where the speakers either fake agreement or fake disagreement (e.g. one-upmanship which is never genuine because they don't really disagree with you, they're just concocting a stance so they can win the argument they've created). If people don't want to co-operate with me to look open-mindedly for the truth, I'm not interested in talking with them.



Carpeta
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19 Sep 2020, 12:11 am

When I am blindsided by conflict, it makes me physically ill. If I don't know how someone will react, it is a very big risk to disagree with them. I've repeatedly experienced people getting abruptly mad at me for something I did not mean offensively at all. So, I keep my mouth shut a lot, or try to be agreeable without lying.

I like that I can just shut the computer if I post something online that I'm afraid will get a negative reaction. I sometimes wait days before I'm not too nervous to peek at the replies. In real time, I don't have that luxury; reactions from others are instant gut-punches and it's awful.

Someone like me who isn't as particular as I am about honesty would say anything to avoid a conflict, I suppose.

Oh, and there's this rule of manners, or used to be: "Don't contradict." Perhaps some people take that idea and run with it.


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Pepe
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19 Sep 2020, 4:48 am

Jayo wrote:
So, how have you guys dealt with it when people "fake agree" with you??


I detest it.
But what is worse is when someone tries to pacify your emotions because they think you can't handle it.



Romofan
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19 Sep 2020, 4:57 am

I might be guilty of such behavior. :cry: When unmedicated, I have a tough time following conversations of any length. Add to that an inability to track multiple conversations, and you get a fellow who just agrees with a lot of half understood stuff, often to his later detriment. I love socializing, but I am not very good at it. Weird. huh?


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Pepe
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19 Sep 2020, 4:58 am

Carpeta wrote:

I like that I can just shut the computer if I post something online that I'm afraid will get a negative reaction. I sometimes wait days before I'm not too nervous to peek at the replies.


Do you get that sinking feeling whenever you see a PM notice pop up?
Do you fear that it is another mod warning and can't bear to look? EEP! 8O



Carpeta
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19 Sep 2020, 10:16 am

Pepe wrote:
Do you get that sinking feeling whenever you see a PM notice pop up?
Do you fear that it is another mod warning and can't bear to look? EEP! 8O


No, I haven't had a PM from the mods before. All that practice holding my tongue, maybe? :chin: :mrgreen:


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AuroraBorealisGazer
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19 Sep 2020, 10:58 am

Romofan wrote:
I have a tough time following conversations of any length. Add to that an inability to track multiple conversations, and you get a fellow who just agrees with a lot of half understood stuff, often to his later detriment.


Me too. I sometimes space out or get distracted during conversation and may inadvertently agree with someone to cover up my ADHD. :oops:



Pepe
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20 Sep 2020, 12:28 am

Carpeta wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Do you get that sinking feeling whenever you see a PM notice pop up?
Do you fear that it is another mod warning and can't bear to look? EEP! 8O


No, I haven't had a PM from the mods before. All that practice holding my tongue, maybe? :chin: :mrgreen:

Such a goodie two shoes. :roll: :mrgreen:



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21 Sep 2020, 3:07 am

I'm the kind of person who if I don't like you, I will make it blatantly clear if not say it to your face. I absolutely can't stand when people act like they are my friend then behind my back just talk s**t about me. I absolutely can't stand that. Fake agreeing isn't really the same thing. Idk in my perfect world people would just stop all the funny business and be direct. IF you have a problem with someone just say it. If you have a problem with an idea just say it. Bui I have to admit there are alot of times I just fail to communicate. but It's not really that i'm fake agreeing but more that i'm doing neither and it's interpreted as me agreeing. and In alot of ways I don't stop things till they get to much for me to handle. Tbh I don't really care for sugar coating to the point where i sometimes stubbornly refuse to do it. I've been known cut bonds with people if they do this to me regardless of how good of friends we are. TBH It's ll to easy for me to just be like bye nice knowing you #noregrets


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21 Sep 2020, 3:09 am

Carpeta wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Do you get that sinking feeling whenever you see a PM notice pop up?
Do you fear that it is another mod warning and can't bear to look? EEP! 8O


No, I haven't had a PM from the mods before. All that practice holding my tongue, maybe? :chin: :mrgreen:

I've gotten one i'm just glad it didn't escalade cause I do not do good with moderation in general. (Thinks of all the times he turned simple offenses into bans) Idk I definitely have some authority issues.


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ASPartOfMe
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21 Sep 2020, 9:58 am

I probably do not recognize it most of the time.


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League_Girl
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21 Sep 2020, 11:58 pm

People may fake agree to avoid arguments and drama and conflict and to protect their own feelings and protect their relationships.

I used to be friends with a HFA man and we were online friends for 8 years. But he was very conservative and religious and he was one of those conservatives who always talked politics and his political beliefs and he was one of those guys you couldn't disagree with or they would be butt hurt and offended and start insulting you. So I would just let him talk and wait for him to move on and talk about normal stuff like his life, his hobby, current events, or any funny stories he has. He had even told me about his engagement to another aspie woman but she had totally lied to him because she didn't have the balls to break up with him so she said her mom said she can't marry him so she had to break their engagement.

Our friendship ended when I found out he believed in the conspiracy of Obama's birth certificate being faked and he got mad at me when I wasn't interested in the conspiracy theory so he blocked me on facebook and I didn't really care. Let him toss out a 8 year friendship after I had been there for him but he didn't block me under his fakebook account he posed as his pet cat but I wasn't going to reach out to him if he was going to be acting like this. I figured maybe when he cooled down, he would come back and apologize and I forgive him and we move on but that didn't happen all because I refused to fake agree with him about Obama's certificate. I saw it as his loss and I also felt relief because I didn't have to listen to his conservative BS anymore. I also have another online friend who is also aspie and he fake agrees with his friends who are conservatives and Trumpers and believe in conspiracy theory crap and he doesn't disagree with them because he avoids politics. If it gets too much, he isolates himself from those friends for a break.

So people make fake agree to avoid political conflict and plus if someone is someone who gets upset if you don't see things their way and they see you as being against them if you don't agree, you would fake agree.

I don't really think this is an NT thing and I think this is a human survival thing. It's to avoid drama and getting people upset and to avoid losing friends and to avoid being the black sheep. I have even noticed as a child if you have a contrary opinion, people will judge you and this is a human thing so I knew early on to never have a different opinion and you must keep it to yourself or you will be on the naughty list.

I have an online friend and I know he fake agrees with me because he has gotten me upset so many times with his Nazism and racism and white supremacy stuff and falling for conspiracies made up by right wing trolls. I have no idea if he still believes our wild fires were caused by BLM and antifa even though that was debunked by the Oregon police and firemen and the state of Oregon. That nasty rumor started on Facebook. Honestly him fake agreeing is better than hearing this stuff.


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ToughDiamond
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23 Sep 2020, 10:25 am

It's a shame people have to be like that. I don't see why people fake their views to hang onto "friends." I just can't see the benefit. If somebody has very different ideas to mine, and they're going to do this "you've got to agree with me" thing, what's the point in keeping in touch with such an immature person? If they're happy to just say "this is my view, yours may be different and that's OK by me," then there's no need for anybody to fake anything and they can stay friends.



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25 Sep 2020, 12:00 am

Jayo wrote:
So, how have you guys dealt with it when people "fake agree" with you??
Or do you even recognize when it happens(?)
This is actually an NT behaviour that bothers me (as if there weren't quite a few already!) as if some people abhor assertive communication.
Yes, I can understand in certain situations you "go along to get along", but there have been times where it was genuinely counter-productive for the other person to agree with my viewpoint or request or what-have-you. :(
I suppose they were just sticking to the NT maxim that "up to 90% of communication is nonverbal", and expected me to pick up signals that what I was asking was making them feel uncomfortable, but I didn't b/c to me - as a matter of objective principle - the other person should have the backbone to speak up and disagree. It's not like I'm a very intimidating individual, or a Don Corleone or something of the sort :P

While this sort of "fake agreeing" to save face is, stereotypical speaking, the purview of Asian cultures, it's happened quite a few times IME 8O

Sometimes, I've had to ask the other person "are you sure"? (As if I'm going to be crushed if they disagree with my opinion or idea.) And I've occasionally noticed certain shifts of the eyes or corners of the mouth, the latter being a snicker ESPECIALLY if peers are around :x basically the nonverbal way of saying "yeah, whatever, you weirdo!! what you think or want in the situation doesn't count, b/c you're not all there." :evil:

I did have this more perverse and toxic behaviour from a former housemate who in hindsight was a covert narcissist with PAPD (passive-aggressive personality disorder), so I came to realize HE was the one who was really effed up and had the attitude problem, so I was glad that I detached myself from that situation. It dawned on me later that he'd deliberately agree to things with no intention of following through from the get-go, just to piss people off. :x Of course, we have difficulty sometimes in recognizing those toxic personalities (other more "normal" NTs do too, BTW, but for us it's a greater challenge).

Well, if anyone disagrees with the above, feel free to tell me so :P
Also, would be curious to hear any opinions you have on gender differences as to "fake agreeing" - I personally found that it's a little more common in women but not a whole lot more so. As I have been with some more outspoken females that I've dated. So I don't want to stereotype.


I completely agree in a non-condescending and legitimate way
I too find that the arbitrary rules of social conduct favor a certain sort of cowardice where people feel obligated not to speak their mind whilst showing what they really think and feel in passive ways. It's only a norm because there are more people that have accepted that this is the unspoken agreed upon method of communication. There isn't anything inherently better about communicating this way. Oh how much more efficient the world would be if people just said what they meant.

This is also culturally specific and more of a remnant of the British influence over Western cultures. For instance, in Israel, people will tell you exactly what they are thinking without holding much back. I had lived there a few years and found this somewhat jarring at first and now miss it dearly.



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25 Sep 2020, 12:09 am

I stop dealing with them. I don't see any point in talking out an agreement if it will be ignored.