Am I the crazy one?

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Hey guys, I really don’t post here too often but lately there’s been something that’s really bothering me and I’d really love to hear some insight on it. Since COVID started I’ve been stuck at home with my mom. We usually get along pretty well but she randomly starts arguments about silly things. I’m really not the argumentative type so I usually try to calmly use logic and facts to explain my points. However, this seems to infuriate her further, pushing her into a sort of rage. I used to be terrified of her getting angry as a kid because it meant I would have to listen to her screaming and cursing at me, which I didn’t react well to because of the sensory aspect. Suffice to say, I was a good (and very quiet) kid. Anyways, so because we’ve been spending all this time together I’ve been noticing these “patterns” in our arguments. Like, she twists my words and or meanings of things I say into something else. Sometimes it seems like she makes things up completely in favour of her point. But when I counter her points using facts and knowledge she often tells me I’m being too “rigid” or not “human” enough. She’ll say something like “normal” people don’t think like that (normal, referring to people without Aspergers such as myself). And even when I present correct information by “normal” people she’ll just get really angry and shut down, and in the end, nothing gets resolved. I’m gonna type the most recent argument we had to use as an example (there have been far worse arguments but they aren’t fresh enough in my mind) I’ll identify my mom using N:

Feb 4th:
N: asked if I was gonna finish the smoked salmon in the fridge.
Me: probably not, I’ve been eating it for 3 days now
N: suggested giving cat the smoked salmon
Me: explained that it would be bad due to high sodium (cat has a heart issue so sodium is a big no no)
N: said it’s not as bas as the “garbage” we feed her (cat food)
Me: suggested if she thought the food we give her is garbage, she should buy a better brand.
N: we can’t afford it
Me: well then just give her the cat food. Even though it’s not the best brand, we at least know it’s safe for her to eat
N: we’ve given her tuna and salmon from the can before without issue
Me: yes, but it was fresh salmon in water. The sodium content was much lower. Plus it’s rare that she gets it.
N: it’s not going to harm her if she gets it only once!
Me: maybe not but why even risk something that can possibly harm her? (Again she has a major heart issue)
N: you said the same thing about the canned salmon when I first gave it to her!
Me: yes, because you bought the one with salt water instead of plain water (once again, the sodium content is the issue)
N: well no one can afford that high end crap and besides, most of them were proven to be bad for pets anyways!
Me: I’m not asking you to buy expensive food. I’m just telling you not to give the cat smoked salmon or canned salmon with salt in it. Since it can cause issues with her health.
N: “no response” (clearly agitated)
Me: I’m just trying to do what’s best for the cat using what I learned in vet tech (I studied as a vet tech for a couple years and took classes on pet nutrition and how certain diets can affect health issues)
N: you think too much in facts and numbers, you don’t think about how “real people” live.
Me: what do you even mean by that? I’m just trying to keep my cat healthy by doing what I know is best for her based on the knowledge I’ve been taught by my nutritionist and veterinary professors.
N: yes but they only teach you all the “perfect” “professional” things to do. Things that normal people don’t do in their everyday lives. Things most can’t afford!
Me: omg! I’m just telling you not to give the cat smoked salmon! You don’t have to go out and buy expensive food, I’m just asking you to give her her regular food that we know is safe!
N: why must you be so argumentative with everything?
Me: I’m not! I’m just concerned about the cat! Is it so hard to just give her her regular food? If you want to give her a treat, give her some chicken hearts or something! It’s good for her and contains taurine (which is great for cat health)
N: I don’t even want to talk to you about this anymore, you’re too difficult.

So what do you think? Am I not being human enough?... am I being too rigid in how I think? I’m so confused and tired from trying to find answers to this. I don’t know how many times I’ve researched this in the past months trying to figure out if I’m the one with the problem or if maybe she’s unfairly judging me. I can’t really blame her either way because she grew up in an abusive household so she never had great role models for social interactions. I’m just so fed up with wondering what’s wrong with the way I go about these things.... thank you so much for listening. I know it’s a lot to read through, I’ve just been bottling this up for so long and have no one else to talk to about it!

You are not crazy. Please don't feed pets off the table. Sure, you can treat them to a little piece once in a while, but it will only create more problems later because your pet won't leave you alone when you sit down to eat.

Canned cat food is optimal for the cat to eat. It will have the right fats for its health, and none of the things that shouldn't be there like sodium. Even if it's not the most expensive brand, it's still better than pretty much anything that will come from the table.

This is precisely what I was trying to explain to her! I seems no amount of facts or reasoning can make her see why this is so important. I did end up throwing away the salmon and giving my cat her regular food as per usual. Still, I wish she would listen to me once in a while. Especially since I’m educated on the topic. Thanks so much for your input I feel a little better just knowing my sentiments on the food is shared

https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-per ... eeling.htm

You're not crazy. You're rational.

I've had similar experiences with some family members who didn't find diabetes enough a reason not to eat sweets - and getting offended by me refusing to give them some.
I just... don't want to have anything to do with it. They're adults. I don't want to offend people but even more I don't want to kill them!

When my husband's aunt talked about baking Sunday cakes to her now-late husband (who was diabetic!) because otherwise he was "searching for something for all day", I just told my husband:
Me: You know I will not bake you cakes if you develop diabetes, no matter how much you ask me for it?
Him: I don't expect you to ever do it.

At least the two of us are on the same page.

PS: Maybe what annoyed your mother was not so much about what you said but how persistent and detailed you were about it. You know - the special interest Aspie monologue thing. It can hinder communication with NTs.

Nop.
I see nothing wrong with your logic or remarks.

The 'fault' mostly lies in perceived subtle levels -- wording, tone, presence, micro nuisance etc...

It's about how the facts are 'expressed', not the facts itself. I can sympathize though.

To get away with slipping 'facts and stats', is to add the 'colors' that doesn't perceived as 'cold and hard'.
But that's entirely up to you, if you want it that badly.

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You were right. Dont feed table scraps to pets.

But the issue is.... what were the two of you REALLY arguing about.

You gotta read between the lines. Probably she thought you were being a smart ass. Or acting like you know more than she does (which on that topic you probably do). Sometimes you just hafta ...pretend...mom is right.

You’re probably right. Seeming like a smart ass is something that has worried me a lot in the past so I’ve developed this really gentle tone when discussing such things with people (particularly her since she has a very combative tone). I think I also try to keep things calm by explaining that the reason I’m sharing these things is out of concern and care, not because I want to “out smart” anybody. I’m just so frustrated with the whole thing. I want to be able to communicate to her how I feel without it ending up in an argument. It’s has helped me a little to talk about it though, so thank you

@Edna 3362

I think this is what she means when I’m not being “human” enough. Though I’ve tried really hard to develop a warmer and gentler tone when discussing things with her and it doesn’t seem to have any effect. Perhaps it’s my mannerisms as well? (I’m often pretty stiff and tend to make myself look smaller) It can be really difficult to navigate these situations as an aspie sometimes. I’m constantly filled with guilt about if I’m doing the right thing... I really appreciate having people to speak to about this stuff though, I should probably reach out more often.

Once someone resorts to name calling, they have lost. Trying to categorize you as different (not normal) is basically the same thing, but with the added idea that your position is somehow less without the burden of countering your opinion.

Unfortunately, your mom is trying to "win" a rhetorical argument, rather than solve a problem. "Twisting words" or continually shifting the point, topic, and frame allows her to keep changing the topic until it reaches something that will work. She simply wants to be "right." Probably because it provides emotional rewards.

I had a sense that something like this was going on. But there’s always that voice in the back of my mind that says because I’m on the spectrum I may be misinterpreting something, so I can never fully trust myself. I want to trust what she says because she’s my mom but when it comes to things I KNOW for a fact are wrong I end up with these very conflicting feelings. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that I was trying to fix a problem, this is exactly how I thought about the situation from my point of view. So it was really frustrating to me that she wasn’t seeing it that way even though I tried so hard to explain it to her in a way she’d understand. Something I didn’t mention earlier is that my mother has always respected people who are highly knowledgeable in various subjects, I mean her job is at a science centre where she works with scientists everyday! She also always treated me better when I worked hard to get the best grades in school so I’ve always pushed myself to be well educated and an over achiever. This is why I thought using knowledge, facts and being practical would work in an argument. Because it is something she personally values... Yet when I am the one who presents her with those facts all she seems to do is dismiss my words or deny them altogether. Sorry if this is a lot of information, thank you for you’re help, it really does mean a lot

Is your mum stressed out?
Is she worried about money?
Does she feel things in general are outside of her control so needs to gain some feeling of control by arguing irrationally about what the cat can eat or can't eat?
Maybe your mum needs a hug.

I would have thought that was the case if this was a one time thing but unfortunately this has always been the way she acts during an argument. That’s why I thought my way of interacting with her was perhaps flawed. I have straight up asked her after an argument if the way I communicate with her is wrong and if there’s something I can do to better get my points across and she just told me to leave because she didn’t even want to look at me anymore... I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Maybe she's just a complete narcissist, like mine.

She was raised in a very abusive household by a narcissistic mother and an absent father. She often tells me horrifying stories of what my grandmother did and said to her as a child. In fact, Out of my grandmother’s six children only 2 still speak to her, my mother (who somehow became her primary care giver) and my aunt. I’m not sure my mother would be considered a narcissist, but I do know that she didn’t have any good parenting role models in her life, so the possibility of certain narcissistic traits rubbing off on her is definitely a possibility.