Masking vs Learning

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone

I'm in my 40's and coming to terms with how over the last 5 or so years a handful of people have said they see asp in me.

These people are telling me that I am successfully masking a lot of it to the ordinary person but their eagles eyes can see through it. (Each time that I've asked what did they see in me that made them say this, they've always just replied with something that I see most people do most days......I'll save that rant for another post.)

Yes I learnt some skills or behaviours later in life than most people. But I don't get why this is classed as "masking" and not just delayed learning?

e.g. It was about 5 years between finishing uni and getting my first challenging job, hence some soft-skills at work were developed later in life than many of my peers. During those 5 years I was only able to find easy jobs and getting rejected for graduate jobs because of my A-Level grades.

You see lots of self-help books available about many behaviours e.g. Dating, handling conflict, a book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***". So why isn't everyone who reads one of these seen as doing it to "mask" rather than just to learn or improve something they're lacking?

Thanks

I think the difference is that with masking one is actively suppressing what comes naturally to them in order to be more accepted by society, and yes that is something one learns to do, but with ordinary learning one is simply adding knowledge and skills rather than hiding or suppressing one's natural tendencies.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I agree with what bee33 said.

Thanks both of you.

(By the way the 2 examples below aren’t how I’ve been driving!)

So are we saying that:

If from experience you realise that your natural behaviour was wrong/abnormal (e.g. middle lane hogging), you agree that it was wrong, you see why the alternative is better and your new natural behaviour is this better behaviour (I.e. not hogging), then is that seen as learning from experience and not masking?

Whereas if from experience you realise that your natural behaviour was viewed by people as being wrong/abnormal (e.g. blasting the horn at anyone who makes a mistake), you still don’t see what’s wrong with it but you accept that it was wrong/abnormal and nowadays you consciously make an effort not to, then is that seen as masking?

Thanks

Learning is involved in masking because one has to figure out ones current behaviors are “wrong” and figure out the correct behavior. The difference is a matter of degree and perception of ones own behavior.

I suppress a stim in public. I view that stim as natural part of my autistic self but understand that it would a detriment to me if I did it in public so I view that as masking.


Dressing up for an interview I view as a learned skill. I had to learn to do that. It is a short term behavior to specifically gain employment.

This is a very good question, and it isn't always obvious what's going on. But, typically, learning comes with changes to the brain that make it easier over time. Learning to drive a car can be overwhelming at first, but as you do more driving, you expend less effort manipulating the controls and focus more on the road. Masking doesn't really get any "easier" over time, it's just that over time, there's a tendency to forget that you're doing it with simpler things. (obviously, that doesn't always happen, but it's probably the best case scenario)

I had no idea just how much masking I was doing until recently when stress from marriage, school and work combined to push me over the cliff. It pretty much shattered the mask and I outright forget a lot of the stuff that I thought I had learned. Apparently, it was all various levels of manual control all along.

Thanks ASPartOfMe and MatchboxVagabond

Very useful and interesting answers.

The only part of my life that I admit I am "masking" - and it's no small job - is trying not to be anxious about how my posture looks to people when I am out on the street or in the office. It's a full time effort trying to mask this anxiety / pretend it wasn't there.

I don't agree yet that this anxiety is due to asp/asd. I wasn't born with this anxiety and it didn't come out of thin air. Instead it came about because as a kid/teen I let myself develop a bad posture e.g. spending too much time on computer games. Then throughout my teens and throughout adulthood (even in some workplaces), I've received insults about my posture. These insults seem to have died down over the last few years (& touch wood stay like that) since I made more of an effort with my fitness and got into the habit of telling myself not to worry about how my posture looks --- This is the bit that I admit is "masking" and is a full-time task.

My point is, I don't agree yet that it's anything to do with asp/asd. Hopefully one day I'll have enough faith that my posture is good enough, or I'll be thick skinned enough not to have to think about it.

Unusual gait has ben widely noted in Autistic people.

Sensory overwhelmed can look a lot like anxiety. And if you've been masking for a prolonged period, it's definitely possible to underestimate how much is happening. I was until I spent June going through my entire life specifically looking for anything ASDlike.

And dispraxia is relatively common with ASD as are odd ways of playing the feet while walking.

It's why it's generally preferable to get a formal diagnosis when you can as that often comes with hints about where to focus efforts to improve one's life

Thanks, and finally hopefully the last rant for a while!

Even if I have got asp/asd and I am happy with life how it is, with or without masking, have enough friends who accept me for what I am.......it really annoys me that a local doctor who I'm having a one-off appointment with about an injury, decides to spring the topic of asp/asd on me out of the blue saying he can see it in me and asking do I know about it - when clearly he can see it's not on my medical record yet.

What was the point in that when there's nothing that can be done to change it? How was there anything to be gained by pointing it out to me? He wouldn't do that to someone with a physical condition that couldn't be improved would he?

I could understand if the appointment was me seeking help on a mental health issue, but not if it was about an injury or a virus.


Edit: MatchboxVagabond might have just answered my final rant while I was writing it "It's why it's generally preferable to get a formal diagnosis when you can as that often comes with hints about where to focus efforts to improve one's life". But I was satisfied with how life was, and so not impressed that the doctor decided to point out an apparent "disorder" in me that can't be reversed and I was getting by OK with.

I definitely wouldn't say that it's compulsory to get a formal diagnosis. There are a lot of resources out there that don't require one and if that's all you really need to live a happy life, don't feel that you need the diagnosis.

I think the definition of masking is often too broad, so that some behaviour that's called masking isn't really that at all. There is indeed this thing called learning, which people do all the time whether they have anything to mask or not. If for example you find that a certain kind of behaviour causes trouble, and you stop doing it, you're not necessarily hiding anything.

@ToughDiamond

Exactly my thinking. Hence I hate not only the word masking, but the whole concept of it.

I mentioned that posture is the main thing I’ve been anxious about and used the term “masking” then just to try and use that somewhere. When really I’ve been thinking positive about it and seeing a personal trainer, to obviously improve what I can, plus make me not feel like such an easy target - all of this despite no insults for a good while. Just my progress with this got held up by a nasty injury. If one day I’m convinced that I’ve improved enough then hopefully I won’t be wasting any energy feeling anxious.

Hi. I can only say that ,in my case, pretending to be normal is hard work and probably not very convincing. I need to suppress annoying habits and try not to talk too much but, apart from that, I'm quite happy for people to see me as a likeable eccentric. Ian Mac.

Sorry for bringing up this old topic.

Why is learning considered masking?
Neurotypical kids "can't be themselves" as they learnt about social norms. They understand that they can't run in a resturant, can't behave rudely, etc. Why is this not considered masking? This is against their natural instinct - who they are. What's the difference between the above example as compared to those happening in neurodivergents?

Why is this "masking" not considered growth?

That's because learning social norms in NTs from autistics are different.

To NTs, it's something they had to be convinced of right and wrong. And that's mostly it, really.
Underneath that is subtle cues and reading the room, learning how to react or respond.

Allistic NDs overall learns this way, too -- but there are aspects that will make it difficult for them to interact and learn the cultural norms.

To autistics, it's more like an ever growing list of what and what not to do. Some to a point of fawning and freezing.
Even if we already know what is right or wrong, even if we can read the room; there's still in need for this countless explicit knowledge, trials and errors socializing in learning the cultural norms.

On top of manual learning of social cues -- provided if you also don't have a learning, cognitive, processing, other communication difficulty/disability on top of it.
On top of whatever nuisance emotional processing one had to go through after said trials and errors.


When an NT masks, it's to be subtle or send a message that may convey 'this is what I want to show and what I deny is no one's business unless I'm convinced to let your prying be'.
Masking is more like a navigation and communication tool.

When an autistic masks, usually it's ranging from 'I am lonely please want me' to 'Im not weird, see? Please dont hurt or fire me' along with the fear of being found out. That's probably what some NTs astute enough to see -- or that's how sloppier autistics do.
Nonetheless, masking is more like a bypass, a defense and coping mechanism -- that is not a sign of growth.


When an NT stops people pleasing, it means they're starting to realize the illusion they're living in for real. They'd be freer when they do.

When an autistic stops people pleasing, so does the skills to bypass. And sometimes, it's not voluntary -- dropping the mask due to sheer burnout.
Even if we already know the illusion of social norms and reality itself; many would persists because of fear or self preservation.
Freer, but only started healing.

Though there are rare autistics that do enjoy masking -- likely because they mask to navigate and explore, not to please people and deny themselves.