Are you ever truly happy?

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This has been a worry for me for so many years. My son (13) has Aspergers, and he hardly ever shows any expression that he is happy. As a toddler, his face would never show delight on rides etc, and at Christmas, my husband and I were forced to sit straight faced when he opened his presents...we werent allowed to smile because I think he felt uncomfortable with this.

I worry that my son will never be really happy, he seems so often stressed.

I am sometimes truely happy.
I seem to only experience happyness like others do when drunk though.
Because when sober i just don't seem to enjoy things in life like others do.
But hey that's part of having AS.
The average person enjoys plenty of activitys that you won't enjoy.
You have a verry small amount of things you enjoy.

My youth was verry different though.
Up until i was 8-9 i had a verry happy youth.
This was before my AS symptoms had set in.
I was a verry talkative person and i totally enjoyed most things in life.
My mom used to say i would never shut up lol.
I played outside all day long.

At 8-9 when the AS set in my social skills stopped developing.
And i sat behind the computer more each year.
My broad set of interests was narrowed down to 1 main interest.

My conclusion is that it is possibly that he can be happy.
But you really have to find out what makes him happy.
Because hes not likely going to be interested in Soccer and going out, like most males are.
Don't put too much pressure on him to change.
Because he wil most likely go through all the major phases in life at a different rate, than the people around him.

Trying to read someones outside isn't what they feel inside. I think this maybe especially true with us. I can be at my happiest and for outward appearances the world would not know. What makes me happy is not what makes most people in the world happy. Try not to judge what you see in terms of yourself, I know it's hard.

It is possible he isn't and the future I can not read, even for myself. I can say having discovered AS that it was a huge breath of fresh air for me at 57 or was it 56, hell I don't do numbers. I don't think this is as valid for the younger ones, most have known about it for longer. We didn't find out till later and had more s**t tossed at us with out a real understanding of why. I can say that one thing happened at almost the exact time I discovered AS, I hit a med that helped, sheer accident, I am sure of it now. I can say I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life at this point. Probably doesn't rock the Richter scale, but then I have things, like obsessions and passions that bring joy that others will never understand at all. I can tell you that I used to get chills going up my spine when I discovered things in the Archaeology world and it was every discovery and I found thousands. It went on for over 20 years and I doubt if anyone could have detected what was really going on inside me. But with this med, it's easy for others to see when I'm happy is all and yeah I am in an over all sense, but I'm just less susceptible to depression now too.

I don't think you do him any favors by not showing joy yourselves. What is more important is that he understands you care for him and love him in ways that are comfortable to him. It's important you take care of yourselves as well and that he understand the world doesn't revolve around him. Even though I'm sure it revolves around me.

You have already given him a big gift that many of us never got. I was lucky, even back in the dark ages it was ok in my house to be different, still stress beyond words, but yet I have to say I was lucky in a couple of senses. I think my Dad was aspie, but yet put demands on me that I just couldn't live up to, not his fault. Your son may have to grow a bit to even see it. You care and understand he's different and it's ok.

I think that's a difficult question to answer because your view of true happiness and that of another may differ. I don't think I have experienced most people's view of happiness. However, when doing something that you could say that I like to do, such as washing my hands, I temporarily feel content with the world. The best way I know of verbally explaining it is a sense of neutrality or peace with the environment around me. I lose the feelings of anxiety and depression, but it is not replaced with anything, if that makes sense. So to sum it up, my sense of neutrality may be equivalent to your sense of true happiness. I was also abused as a child emotionally and physically, so that could be why I feel this way. Sorry if my view is odd.

Thanks for your replies, it REALLY helps me. It also makes me feel guilty that maybe I haven't been the right mum for him for all these years. I couldve been more accepting of him.

Postpaleo..I think his dad is an Aspie and I would say that he does make enormous demands on him, he finds it more difficult to stay patient when he is stimming or acting childish. We are both graduates, but I think his dad puts more pressure on him to succeed at school as he is very bright.

Bart..I will make more of an effort to see what makes him happy.

Void, don't make apologies for an odd view, I find it all really helpful and am taking it all on board..and I am so sorry that you had a such an awful childhood.

Random people regularly shout at me to 'cheer up' when I'm walking down the street, but I usually feel perfectly happy. It sounds like maybe your son has more emotion going on inside him than shows on his face?

I don't know whether it's right to say this to you or not, but remember a lot of people feel miserable at 13, AS or not. It's possibly the age at which other teenagers will be least accepting of your son. Things will get easier for him, and he'll find a way to live his life that makes him happy.

I felt compelled to reply to this because I know my mother feels very guilty about how depressed I was in my teens, and I wish she wouldn't. Don't feel guilty!

I'm not sure what "happy" means. I'm cheerful sometimes and sad other times. Not sure if I'm ever truly happy. However, like someone else here said,one's emotional expression is not the same as how one really feels inside.

I am happy at work, because I love my job and do it well. Also, I have been a lifelong lover of books and libraries, so my work environment is ideal.

I am happy in the company of my cats and when I'm on my internet cat site.

Guilt, get rid of it. It does no good to beat yourself up over something you tried hard to do correctly. We live and we learn. That you're here at all shows you have good intentions. I have a little mantra I have to do, from time to time, when I get over whelmed with a certain thing, it works sometimes...It's not my fault..over and over again. Try it.

Yeah, Mom and Dad could never understand how I could test so high and do so poorly in school. No one knew I was dyslexic either. I had to learn to educate myself another way. I just don't have the paper to prove it. My Dad thrived in school, I stared out the window, bored out of my mind. What I devised to entertain myself was hardly productive.

Sounds like Dad better hit the books himself. We come in all shapes and sizes, what he has to get is his way won't be your son's. I think there are a couple here that use the term "free range aspies", I like that term. Given the choice to pursue our strengths and they are different in every one of us, is a blessing that when expanded upon will serve him well no matter what he chooses to do later. It isn't wrong to push now and again, sometimes we need it, but to do it in a good manner takes some thought and not some spur of the moment lecture. That can set up another thing that can come hand in hand, it is more commonly known as PTSD. When you're repeatedly told you are doing wrong when you are doing your best with what you have, just means the system is screwing up, not opening the right doors, that takes thought. Aspies come almost prewired for Complex PTSD, it doesn't take much for it to be set in motion and that seriously complicates things as time goes on. Something else to keep an eye on, we very often have comorbids with this stuff, find out what they might be, in my case dyslexia is one, I may also have a touch of Bipolar, not sure on that because my aspieness went so long before being revealed.

Not really... because after being happy and feeling awesome, and generally portraying a confident image as well as feeling it within, I then receive a heavy blow.

My mood doesn't want to stay in one place... perhaps it's my mind telling me that I really have to move you know... not wanting to stay in the same place.

I have trouble reading my son, and my bf has trouble reading both of us. I've figured when my son gets really interested in something, or starts talking about something-it seems that how much he responds reflects happiness. Same for me. I can sit there, and say "I dunno, I guess" sigh when something is being talked about, but it does not mean that I'm not happy to be talking about it. Some of the least expressions with me and my son both, show more than anyone would notice depending on the scenery around us. There is much more to a situation than how I am reacting most of the time.

Learning is one of those things that I find very exciting, regardless how difficult it is for the most part (unless I'm just absolutely not getting it) or how frustrated I seem. I still enjoy it very much. Yet, somebody could buy me the world and I could care less usually. I'm happiest when I'm involved in something that is very challenging mentally wise (really good debates make my day!). Son is the same way.

I certainly get happy, but mostly I'm contented with "comfortable." I feel "comfortable" when I'm with my wife, there's a sense of belonging, and my stress levels go down just by having her there. I think the days of real delirious joy are few and far between, but they definitely happen. I'd expect it's also hard to read when he's really enjoying himself - I find a lot of pleasure in focussing on things I enjoy, but I probably look more concerned than anything, furrowed brow, thinking hard about what it is I'm focussed on. I'd concentrate less on his external appearance. You could also just ask. "Are you happy?" "Are you enjoying this?" He might be able to articulate his feelings better than he shows them indirectly.

Void, that hand washing thing sounds like it could be OCD. Have you spoken to a doctor or therapist about it? I'm not saying it necessarily is, but it might be worth checking it out.

I can say I've never been truely happy and stayed happy. I also never showed much happiness growing up, rarely smiled, mostly frowned haha.

I don't "feel" anything, well, every once in a while I suddenly realize I have an emotion, but it's never part of me.

Emotions for me sit there on top, like an ice cube on a hot plate. It moves around, can make alot of fuss, and never seems to go away. Bart21 is partly right that alcohol integrates it a bit.

I can rationalize my way out of depression within minutes, I can criticize something enjoyable into something not to like, but I am always the person you can goto to figure out the way through a problem. As my 3 girlfriends say I tend to over-analyze things. I guess it includes emotions. I know happiness is short, and can probably tell you why it'll be short.

So, so, so true.

BTW, none of this is bad. Unless it bothers you, then there is always prozac.

I'm only happy when playing on my PC or one of my many game consoles. I'll own any console has long as Sony haven't had anything to do with it. So mainly anything either Sega or Nintendo have produced.

What's truly happy?

I'm pretty happy most of the time. Even though I may not express it in outward exuberance like most expect me to.

In fact my blank expression means I'm pretty happy... and probably just ruminating in my head about something. If I'm smiling (which happens often too) I'm really content... but probably not mentally exploring anything(unless it's a joke... then I'll smirk and smile... maybe laugh out loud.

I think you really need to know someone in order to get a good sense of when they are happy or not. You can't go by outward expression much, especially considering most NT's put on an act for the world... you can't go by their expression anyways.