My mom spent almost all evening telling me how bad I am

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And I told her over and over that I have a psychological problem, and that unless she acknowledged that I have a problem she'd never understand why I am the way I am. She told me that I don't have any problem and that it was all her fault for not giving me a proper upbringing. After a lot of insistence on my part she conceded that maybe I have a psychological problem but that I am still guilty of not trying to fix that problem. I told her that there is no cure for my condition, and that the only thing that could be done about it is to educate the people around me so that they don't jump to the conclusion that I'm a ruffian the next time I do or say something that they disagree with. And the cause of all this domestic drama, you might ask? I failed to pay attention to something she was telling me...

I want my mom to undetstand that I am a good person and that I love her and that I am the way I am because I have a mental problem. Can someone give me some hints as to how I can achieve this goal?

Last edited by Mw99 on 11 Nov 2007, 9:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds like your mom is looking for a place to lay blame, and she wants to "fix the problem". I can understand exactly where you're coming from with this, because I have a mother who is similar in her thinking. She doesn't accept any responsibility for anything she has done wrong (in contrast to your mother, who is at least willing to accept responsibility...even though in this case it doesn't appear necessary). Asperger's isn't anyone's fault, it just is. Some people have immense difficulty in understanding that there is nothing they can do to fix a problem. Yes, Aspies can be difficult to love and live with, but with acceptance (on the part of the NT who is trying to love or live with us) we're much more loveable

I guess the thing is, your mom may not change. Mine won't. For a long time I really wanted her acceptance (not of Asperger's, just in general) and I never really got it no matter how hard I tried. I got to a point in my life where I realized my life is my own, and my happiness is not based on her acceptance of anything. That is a difficult epiphany to have...that you have to accept that they may not accept you.

Fortunately, we accept your aspieness, and welcome it!

Anyhow, I hope this ramble helps.

Have you seen a doctor or specialist in Aspergers? She might listen if it was coming from someone else.

get her a good book about aspergers.

Now I can't sleep and I feel a pain my chest. I want my mom to accept me the way I am. She is the only person I have and she is not even on my side; she is against me . At least I want her to acknowledge that I have a problem.

I feel bad for your situation. That used to happen to me alot as a teen. Sometimes parents don't care about your difficulties, all they care about is your bad traits. She's not helping you right now. Do you have difficulties telling someone when they are hurting you?

Yes. People including my mother don't take me seriously. She thinks I'm making excuses and that I don't want to take responsibility for my actions. Maybe if I was more intelligent and more charming and more articulate in speech she would listen to what I have to say . When I try to talk to her, it's like talking to a wall. She doesn't acknowledge what I tell her and our conversations go nowhere. I've lived with my mom for a quarter of a century and she still doesn't understand what I am about.

\

You do not have a mental problem. it is a neuroligical disorder. Their is nothing mentally wrong. The stress can cause mental problems because of the way treat you though after a while. Hang in there.

Print this out and tell your mother that what she is doing is WRONG and is nothing short of emotional abuse. You have a right to protect yourself and tell someone in real life that your mother is verbally and emotionally abusive to you. Perhaps a teacher or a counseler should get involved here and have a heart to heart with your mother. In the meantime PRINT THIS OUT - read it and give a copy to your mother so she is aware of the damage she is inflicting on you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Emotional abuse of children can lead, in adulthood, to addiction, rage, a severely damaged sense of self and an inability to truly bond with others. But—if it happened to you—there is a way out.
by Andrew Vachss Originally published in Parade Magazine, August 28, 1994



What is it?
Emotional child abuse is maltreatment which results in impaired psychological growth and development. It involves words, actions, and indifference. 2 Abusers constantly reject, ignore, belittle, dominate, and criticize the victims.1,3 This form of abuse may occur with or without physical abuse, but there is often an overlap. 4

Examples of emotional child abuse are verbal abuse; excessive demands on a child's performance; penalizing a child for positive, normal behavior (smiling, mobility, exploration, vocalization, manipulation of objects); discouraging caregiver and infant attachment; penalizing a child for demonstrating signs of positive self-esteem; and penalizing a child for using interpersonal skills needed for adequate performance in school and peer groups. 1,3 In addition, frequently exposing children to family violence and unwillingness or inability to provide affection or stimulation for the child in the course of daily care may also result in emotional abuse.3

How is it identified?
Although emotional abuse can hurt as much as physical abuse, it can be harder to identify because the marks are left on the inside instead of the outside.4 Not surprising, there exist few well-validated measures of childhood emotional abuse. Clinicians can use a revised version of the Child Abuse and Trauma Scale (CATS) which targets measures for emotional abuse. Caregivers can also closely observe children's behaviors and personalities. Children suffering from emotional abuse are often extremely loyal to the parent, afraid of being punished if they report abuse, or think that this type of abuse is a normal way of life.3

Behavioral indicators of an emotionally abused child include inappropriate behavior that is immature or more mature for the child's age, dramatic behavioral changes (disruption of activities, clinging or compulsively seeking affection and attention), aggressiveness, uncooperativeness, bedwetting or loss of bowel control (after a child has been trained), and destructive or antisocial behavior (being constantly withdrawn and sad). Furthermore, poor relationships with peers, lack of self confidence, unusual fears for the child's age (fear of going home, being left alone, specific objects), or inability to react with emotion or develop an emotional bond with others are also indicators. Realistically, any of the above behaviors may also be seen in normal children, but a change in pattern of these behaviors is a strong indicator of emotional abuse. 3

Who are the perpetrators?
Almost any adult involved in a relationship with a child is a potential perpetrator. Parents, teachers, pastors, social workers, neighbors, lawyers, or judges may all be capable of emotional maltreatment. 1 Common characteristics of the abusing adult include blaming or belittling the child in public, describing the child negatively, always assuming the child is at fault, having unrealistic expectations of the child, openly admitting to disliking or hating the child, threatening the child with severe punishment, withdrawing comfort as a means of discipline, being emotionally cold and un-supportive, suffering from alcohol and drug abuse, and possessing a violent nature. 3

Why does this happen?
Most emotional abuse occurs for many of the same reasons that physical abuse occurs. Parents are vulnerable to becoming involved in maltreatment if stresses in their lives build up or if they are unable to manage these stresses. They may also have diminished capacity for understanding and dealing with children (mental retardation, psychopathology, alcoholism, drug abuse), false ideas about children's needs, or sadistic psychosis. 1 Also, the abuser's goal may be to control. 2 Nevertheless, a single factor may not lead to abuse, but in combination they can create the social and emotional pressures that lead to emotional abuse. Specific types of problems that can contribute to emotional abuse are social problems that can contribute to family stress (unemployment, poverty, isolation from relatives and friends, divorce, death, immature parents), health crises (illness of a family member, disability of a family member, drug and alcohol abuse within the family), and mental health problems (mental disability, depression).3

What are the effects?
The consequences of emotional child abuse can be serious and long-term. 3,6 Many research studies conclude that psychopathologic symptoms are more likely to develop in emotionally abused children. These children may experience a lifelong pattern of depression, estrangement, anxiety, low self-esteem, inappropriate or troubled relationships, or a lack of empathy.1,2,3,6,7 During their childhood, victims may fail to thrive or their developmental progress may be halted. Some may also become poorly adjusted emotionally and psychologically. 3 As teenagers, they find it difficult to trust, participate in and achieve happiness in interpersonal relationships, and resolve the complex feelings left over from their childhoods. As adults, they may have trouble recognizing and appreciating the needs and feelings of their own children and emotionally abuse them as well.1

What can be done for the victims?
To effectively identify and confirm emotional abuse, it is necessary to observe the abuser-child interaction on varied and repeated occasions. If emotional abuse is suspected, action can be taken regardless of whether the suspected offender is within the child's home, child care setting, or elsewhere in the community. It is the caregiver's responsibility to report and not investigate suspicions of child abuse. It is the child protection agency's responsibility to investigate reports of any type of abuse. A careful evaluation of those involved and the sources of stress should be completed by appropriate and skilled professionals. Usually, a team consisting of a child protection worker, a physician, a psychiatrist or psychologist, a public health nurse, a childcare staff, and a teacher will become involved.3

What can be done to prevent it?
Health care professionals and concerned individuals need to increase awareness for and education in emotional child abuse in the community and among parents. Secondly, parents and guardians need to be encouraged to develop strong attachments with their children and learn to express warmth and positive regard for them. Finally, families have to be encouraged to form relationships with support systems available to them. In addition, more research in topics related to emotional child abuse and parent-child relationships must be undertaken. 1

Sources
Garbarino, J. & Garbarino, A. Emotional Maltreatment of Children. (Chicago, National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse, 2nd Ed. 1994).
Jantz, G.L. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming H. Revell (1995).
"Emotional Abuse & Young Children"
Korfmacher, J. Emotional Neglect: Being Hurt by What Is Not There. (Chicago, National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse, 1998).
Kent, A. & Waller, G. "The impact of childhood emotional abuse: an extension of the Child Abuse and Trauma Scale." Child Abuse and Neglect. May, 1998; 22(5): 393-399.
Rich, D.J., Gingerich, K.J. & Rosen, L.A. "Childhood emotional abuse and associated psychopathology in college students". Journal of College Student Psychotherapy. 1997; 11(3): 13-28.
Sanders, B. & Becker-Lausen, E. "The measurement of psychological maltreatment: Early data on the child abuse and trauma scale". Child Abuse and Neglect. 1995; 19(3): 315-323.


This complete article was copied from Prevent Child Abuse America

http://www.ridalaskaofchildabuse.org/EmotionalCA.html

You're mum's a real winner...NOT!

Sid :O)

I think that you should move out, as soon as you can and you feel that you're truly ready. You shouldn't have to deal with that. I've been very happy, since I've been living on my own, a year ago.

Sid :O)

My Mom is a similar way, I know she's not trying to be mean she just doesn't like labels and she wants the best for me. It hurts her to even think that I might have problems beyond her control. Maybe if you printed out a few pages describing what Aspergers is and a list of the symptoms and then described how you experience those symptoms and how it affects your day to day life she might start to understand. Especially if you point out the behavioral differences you had even as a little kid she might recognize that this isn't something you're just making up to excuse your current actions, but is something that was recognizable since you were little.

Sometimes it takes parents a little longer to catch on to these things. I spent a great deal of my life listening to my mom tell me that I should just be like everyone else and stop being different. Slight problem. I don't know how. Parents are sometimes worse than peers or anyone else. My suspicion is that my mom was the same way and she was actually trying to keep me from repeating her mistakes. Must have been born with vintage shoes on, though. Never has changed, no matter how hard I try.

Now, she's come around. Granted I'm almost 40 and I had to get my son diagnosed first. I think it was love for my son that finally forced her to admit that I was the same way. Now we laugh and I say sometimes, "Gee, mom, ever wonder why we have issues?"

Now, this isn't to demean the experience that you are having. Maybe your mom just needs a little more patience until she gets to acceptance mode. It's still wrong. You do have a medical reason for your behaviours. Frankly, she should understand that kids that have attention disorders (AS being one) often err up to 3-5 years in difference from their peers in maturity levels. This can be to the plus or the minus. Maybe you just need a little more time to grow those wings out before you jump out of the treetop.

My mother is the SAME way! I STILL have trouble talking to her, and that is over 40 years! One reason I moved to the other side of the country was because of her! I figured it would relieve the problem more than it has. You really have to wonder why they became parents.

If I were king, I would make it a ******FELONY****** to have kids if you weren't tolerant and providing. Punishment would be isolation, etc... The kids would become wards of the state, but the parents and family would still have to pay for them.(That is the OPPOSITE of how the U.S. does it now.) Ironically, it seems like mostly only the dregs of society have kids endlessly with no care, etc...

Lashing out is a defense mechanism, she sounds like she just hit the end of her rope - I doubt she meant to do it. I agree on getting her a book or some info on AS/autism, she won't do it herself you have to help her understand. Just hand her the info without saying a word, when she starts reading everything will start making sense to her.

No.

You will not change her. Like "jjstar" says, she is abusing you. This means that the last thing in the world she wants is for you to get better. She wants you to stay with her forever so that she always has someone to "take care of", which is not the same as "care for".

She has conditioned you to believe that you, just by being you, are hurting her and ruining her life. She knows that you that an anatomical, neurological problem, but she still keeps up the pretense that you have a character defect to suit her own selfish needs.

She is invalidating you, and the purpose of that is to make sure that you never live for yourself, only for her approval.

I know the agony of just wishing you were a better son, of thinking that you are the eye of the sh*tstorm that is the world you live in. Its like all pain comes from you, but somehow all pain is felt by you too.

You aren't crazy, man. You are being f8cked with on a colossal scale.

If you don't have the resources to leave on your own just yet, I recommend you try to "fly under her radar", like you're really a Russian spy just pretending to be her son. Do not try to confront her while you are still under her power. This will never end up the way you want. She controls everything you need to stay alive at this point, and she knows it.

You seem like an alright guy, and I'd hate to see you waste the rest of your life trying to push a rope uphill.