On faking NT

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I'm often in situations where I KNOW there's an appropriate NT reaction, retort, reply that is expected, but for the life of me I don't know what it is. Then I become desperate, fumbling like a blind person, trying to figure it out - what I should do, what I should say, how I should respond so that I'm not labelled weird and outcast. And so I react in some way that I suppose might be more NT than my genuine reaction. It's a horrible way to live.

I'm talking about neighbours, bosses, doctors, authorities and situations where it's a huge risk not to react NT. I'm tired of living like this. It's hell.

I have a slightly opposite problem. I often don't realise that whatever I just did wasn't an NT thing to do until it's over and someone comes up and tells me. Then I obsess about it in my head forever. It makes me crazy. Of course, then my brain takes over and builds a social map for that situation. Then I only say half an embarassing thing the next time!

i do the same

I get to the point where I will react like an old grump, or just nasty old coot and mumble something about the whippersnappers that didn't do it back in 'my day!'

It gives me great empathy for other old grumps, too.

I used to be thought of as an arrogant whippersnapper, now I am just an arrogant old curmudgeon.

as far as I know ( and I am a 60 year old Aspie) it never gets any easier. I draw great satisfaction from the fact I have lived this life I was given to the best of my ability, and that is all you can ask from anyone.

Merle

From what I have read, behavioral therapy can often help with this problem. In my case, I never had behavioral therapy. Over time, I just got better at it. However, I still feel like I am faking it.

Last edited by nominalist on 16 Nov 2007, 11:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

Livebird, that was me till very recently. Nowadays I do know I should react within a narrow range of ways, but don't know which.

I know I will disappoint this person who had positive expectations of me and whom I need to survive, and I feel like I'm driving towards a precipice, in a minute they'll hate me, and I don't know how to avoid it.

Then come the self-anger, the embarrassement, the having to adapt to this person's hostility instead of their good vibes, the checking and re-checking whether I knew better than respond that way, etc. etc.

I'm just exhausted of living this way, it's not a life.

Paul Simon speaks for me:

I know I'm fakin' it,
I'm not really makin' it.
This feeling of fakin' it--
I still haven't shaken it.

Green Tea,
I do relate to your observations, and have parrellel observations, knowing the smiling faces will soon look at me bewildered and then harden into rejection because my body language or facial expressions do not harmonize with my words - causing mistrust and distrust in the other person and they just can't take it.
I have gotten to know myself, and be content with living with myself. Is it lonely? yes. Do I still venture out to find companions and friends, yes. Over the years I have two stalwart souls that can't be around me often, but know I am sincere in my friendship because they can look beyond how my PHYSICAL self looks when I confide in them and they confide in me.

I wish you joy, Green Tea. I wish you uncontainable joy.

Merle

Oh sinsboldly, that's exactly how I feel. Thank you so much for your understanding and good wishes!

I'm so used to getting only hostility from people, that they are surprised to see me taking it so naturally. They go out of their way sometimes to show me how hostile they feel towards me, and they're puzzled when I just take it as a fact of life and don't ask them why or try to reverse the situation.

I've lived too many years, I know better than ask people what I could do to be more pleasant to them. I know there's no way I can be.

I REFUSE to try to act NT! I have AS & I WILL ALWAYS act like I have AS! I used to be able to fake being NT, but I no longer can. I've gotten older and my AS has worsened. I like to claim it is NOT important for us to be able to act like we're NTs. I know & understand that the labels NTs put on us get annoying. NTs mostly call me lazy cuz I refuse to work full-time & wanna be on government benefits for the rest of my life. I sure get tired of that too. But I sure DON'T see how faking NT is going to get them to stop labeling us. Basically we'd trying to satisfy the belief that "no one who's fully hearing, fully sighted, fully mobile can prove he/she has a disability". I think it's WRONG to try to "hide our AS" like that. They need to accept us for who we are!! !

I think you should speak for yourself. Not everyone lives in the USA and not everyone lives in a country where people with AS get gov't help. If I don't make the utmost effort to feign NT, I'll die in the streets soon.

I don't know how to help you its something you have to keep working at. I tend to have the same problem and most here seem to as well. I might even know the accepted response but forget it when I need it or not relise I failed to do so till its over. Stress makes it worse. My parents found a card for emergency personel (fire, police, paramedic, emt ect.) that explains I have AS and how I may react in stressful situation and how best to react to me in these situations to allivate this a bit and inform them I'm not rying to be uncoorupertive. They are pinting it out and laminating it for me so I can carry it with me in case of emergencies. In purely social areas there isn't much that can be done. Explain to your boss and assosiates about your disorder and that sometimes you might react in a qurky mannor but its nothing against them or anything they should worry about/stress over. Sometime some having info on this kind of thing helps though you should inform others at your discression based on what your comfort level.

I was lucky. My stepmom is very social and thus i was taught social cues over and over and put in social situations. I often didnt have much choice, but it did benefit very much. If you can, find an older mentor who is very social and knows etiquette and social behavior get to know them and ask them to show you the ropes. We are easy learners. You can learn the behavior and the social cues by repetition even if you dont understand it. . If you stim, then stim and just tell them that's what you do, because it helps you to concentrate. Kind of like self therapy. Be friendly, and you will see that more people are accepting of diffferences if they deal with a person who acts pleasantly.

A mentor would be wonderful. Wish I could find one!

Everyone, IMO, is a performer - AS or NT. However, the performance just comes more naturally to NTs.

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