A Warning About Myself

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I feel I should tell you all something about my personality most people probably don't notice. Well, they probably welll this year. Every Fall/Winter since I hit puberty, my personality changes drastically. My entire view on life spirals down into depression, sadness and anger all driven by confusion and especially aggravation. It's normally not very bad, unless my life is in some sort of turmoil. And, right now it is changing too much. I'm graduating. And while I still have trouble believing that it's my senior year, I have to deal with the fact that I can NOT fail any subjects. I have consistently failed at least a class every year. Along with that, my mom might get married soon. Also, my little brother might have the same condidtion as me and has been a real as*hole lately. Or, he could be hitting puberty. If he's half as bad as I was when I first hit puberty, my house is going to turn into a living Hell. It seems like my entire life is falling apart in front of me. And now I have to resist crying insanely everywhere I go because my emotions don't function the way they should. It started tonight. I haven't had it this bad since my parents divorced when I was 11/12/13, but it's really bad again; and I have to deal with it.

The main warning I am giving you all is this: I'm going to change. I don't know how, but I know I'm entering into what is probably considered a clinical depression. Even the slightest littlew things can aggravate me right now. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm confused and my emotions are more human then I wish them to be. I want them to go, but they're there; overwhelming me and causing me fits of rage. For the first time in a long time, I might actually go into a temper tantrum. I've never had a place for ranting and support, so please understand if I completely change a topic or go on about my sadness in a thread. Last time it was this bad, I tried killing myself. I'll probably vent through poetry and possibly my unique form of art I've been working on. Right now (because of the terribly rough day I've had), I hat everyone. My day wasn't really that bad, but it managed to push me over the edge. I'm far gone, and into depression. I don't know if their's a name for this, but it'd be interesting ot know.

WARNING: Don't piss me off. All my obseesive compulsive tendencies have become emotion driven and even the smallest little thing can mange to ruin my day.

sounds awful for you, sarcastic name. but you do have your very own thread here to rant if you need to.

i'm not an expert, but does anyone think this might be something to do with S.A.D.?

look after yourself, sarcastic - try to eat and sleep properly (sounds trivial, i know, but it has a huge effect). and hang on in there, okay?

ok ty...wanna soda?

I agree with Vivi. Sure sounds like you might want to investigate SAD. I know two people who use the special sun bulbs and have very good experience with it.

In any case, thanks for letting us know. We will be here to listen.

BeeBee

Hang in there, and we'll be thinking about you, okay?

Buy some 5-HTP, really helps with winter depression.

My Mum gets winter depression. I think it is quite a common problem.

I get this too. It is something you can learn to manage, once you recognize it for what it is. Mine used to be much worse, but as I learned the pattern, I have learned what to watch out for and how to work with my fluctuations. Last year I used some St. John's Wort, which seemed to help a little. Relaxation techniques are very helpful.
Hope you feel better.

What is 5 HTP ? I haven't heard of this.

/me makes note not to purposely piss Sarcastic off.

Yes, look into SAD and treat yourself EXTRA kindly, too.

DEFINATELY sounds like seasonal depression. *hugs* Oh wait... you were one of the non-huggy ones weren't you? Oh hang on that was Neant... ack! Take the hug if you want it!

And I think everyone in here will try their best to be extra understanding: I know I will! Seasonal depression is awful! (I don't think I technically have it, but I do tend to get a bit moodier in the Winter time: no fun at all!) Still, I think you are doing marvelously well to have remembered that your life ISN'T just crap, it's just crap for half the year!

I was a bit over-dramatic in some places, it started last night. I know it's a seasonal thing, but it's only Fall! Normally it's November to March, and not nearly as bad as it is this year. I really don't know what it is. What does SAD stand for? Seasonally Activated Depression? I just know that because of my job, school, and emotions that it's going to be tougher than it usually is this year. People are just so stupid. Some things people should just know. I don't care how old or rich and snobby you are, you can be an idiot; and most likely are! Working at a grocery store, I get exposed to the worst of the worst, the dumbest of the dumb, and the oldest of the old. OLD PEOPLE SHOULDN'T SHOP!! !

And not only am I depressed and angry, I'm a lot more Hypersensitive that usual. My skin is just really sensitive for whatever reason, and my Excema is coming back. If someone poked me right now, they'd be dead in two seconds. I fel so tense, and it's so unlike me. Thos os npt my usual self and I want to go back to two days ago!! ! All my emoptions are haywire, and the second I start work I instantly hate everyone. It's not obvious that I hate everyone, but I do. I'm feeling emotions I don't want to feel. I'm outside of my comfortable emotional range, and I want back in!

BTW, thanks for the support and research into what this is called, etc. I'm angry right now, but if I were my regular self I'd be happy and relieved that someone cares. Too bad I'm not my regular self...

sarcastic, you're under a lot of stress at the moment, from what you said in your post. eczema can be a good indicator - mine always flares up when i'm stressed. it's said to be a way of getting out anything you're suppressing.

do you have anyone you can talk to about all the things happening to you? just to offload, and get it all out, rather than it coming out through your skin?

i'm not surprised you're feeling as though your emotions are out of control - you've got an awful lot to deal with.

have a good splurge here. and there are plenty of people on here who can listen, and who do care. keep hanging on.

*hands 'castic a punchin' bag*

I'm just glad we all got the chance to know you when you were all cute and chirpy cos it makes it easier to hold onto so we don't just think you're evil!

Is that true about Excema? Hmm... I was going through this last year when I first got it. But supresing emotions is just so natural for me, it's second nature. I've been mastering the supressing of emotions for a very long time. I can be an emotional basketcase if I leave myself unchecked. Most of what I'm supressing is anger, hatred, confusion, etc. Letting my emotions out would turn out badly. The only way I've ever been able to express myself is through poetry. I guess if I pick up that habit again, my Excema well go away? I hope so.

Today was an OK day, probably because I didn't work. I did have an outburst this morning at my mom, it's like I'm 12/13 all over game. I thought this was something I had gotten over, I guess not.

SARCASTIC_NAME, I AIN'T BUYING INTO THIS MANIPULATION...... DEAL WITH IT!


Cath