Some insight please? Im driving myself nuts...

Post Reply New Topic

Im a 22 year old girl from Norway, i live here with my kid who is 10months old, and my boyfriend. Ive been seeing a psychiatrist ever since i was 16, and ive been diagnosed with social phobia and avoidant personality disorder. Which is fine, i do have those traits. Thing is, ive always been interested in psychology and i couldnt help but read about those problems online. When reasearching those things i came across Aspergers, which made my heart jump. A lot of the symptoms sound like me, and they explain all of my difficulties, not just certain aspects of it. So i started to research Aspergers too, ive done nothing but read about it for the past weeks. I brought it up with my psychologist, and shes on her way to getting me evaluated. She said she didnt have the expertise herself, so she had to contact someone. Which is fine. The problem is im driving myself nuts obsessing about this. I keep reading and reading and i aint getting anywhere. I dont have anyone to ask about this sort of stuff cause no one really knows anything about so i figured ill ask what you guys think. Ill list some traits i have, and hopefully you guys can comment on it.

-Ive always had trouble sleeping at night, particularly if i have an obsession. But i always have thousands of thoughts racing around in there.

-I often get obsessed with stuff (movies, books, computers, it can be just about anything really.) When i get obsessed with something i have difficulties paying attention to anyone or anything else. I forget time and place, get annoyed when im interrupted and often forget to sleep, eat or drink.

-Sensitive to sunlight. Ive never enjoyed the sun like most other people do, it hurts my eyes. When the sun shines brightly i have to walk face down in order to be able to handle it. Sounds bug me as well. When im watching tv or listening to music i cant hear what people are telling me if they try to make contact. Its like i cant absorb several things at once. Like its hard to do two things at the same time.

-Sensitive to touch. I hate when someone tries to caress me gently, or sort of tickle my arm or back or whatever. Its painfull. If someone comes and touches me without me well knowing that they are about to do so, ill often get very mad. This is very hurtful for my boyfriend at times.

-Im easily distracted. Sometimes when im supposed to focus on something its like i float away and i cant focus at all. Its really weird, i cant sense or hear anything around me when this happens, its just like im wrapped in cotton or something. This also sometimes happens when im out and about. Ill suddenly just drift away into my own private world.

-Big problems with social issues. I never know what to say/not to say or do/not to do. I babble alot, talk way too quickly. I also have a tendency to talk louder and louder the more excited i become about a topic.

-I have some set routines for certain things. Mostly it involves eating and chores around the house. If i mop the floors i have to do it in a particular pattern. I put mustard on my hotdogs before ketchup. If i eat tacos i put the ingredients in in a certain order. If these rules or patterns arent followed i get very annoyed and edgy, and i wouldnt eat the food if it wasnt served in the way i wanted it.

-I cant leave things halfdone. If im supposed to mop the floor, i have to mop them all or none at all. This applies to anything i do. You either do something or you dont. Its also the case with emotions and opinions. You either do or you dont.

-When i was a kid playing with my dolls for instance, i had this whole idea of how the "play" was supposed to take place. All the details and everything. If someone or something messed up my setting id get annoyed and angry, often tell the child i was playing with that "this was not the way it was supposed to be". The same applies to group projects at school. I usually ended up doing the whole project alone.

-Ive always had only one or two friends. Most of the time just one. Now i have none at all (not counting family members and stuff)

-Ive always been very empathetic towards animals. I can sob for weeks if someone is cruel/abusive towards an animals on tv or something like that. I often get more upset when animals die than when people die.

-Ive always had a fascination for stuff that doesnt really exist. Like wizards, dragons, unicorns. I use to daydream alot, and often i think to myself that i dont really belong here.

-Difficulties making eye contact. I manage fairly well with people i know, its worse with strangers. I feel exposed when i look people in the eyes, and i dont really know what to do with myself. I usually end up looking everywhere else than at the person im talking too. I also often fiddle with my jacket/sweater/fingers/hair when i talk to strangers.

-I bite my nails like a maniac. Ive done this since i was very little and never been able to stop. I often catch myself doing it when im not aware that i was doing it. I also have a tendency to rock back and forth, ive done this since i was able to sit. I see i mostly do this in situations where im stressed/nervous/excited/agitated.

-I often misunderstand facial expressions. Not all the time but often. I think people are angry or irrtated when they are not for instance. If this is someone i know, they have to reassure me a thousand times before i believe that they actually arent angry. If its strangers i just assume they are angry and leave it at that. I also have trouble with jokes that are meant to be obvious in this manner, someone pretending to be mad or something like that. I never understand that.

-Difficulties starting tasks. That is, tasks that dont involve my current obsession. Housework and day to day things like going to the store are mostly affected by this. Ive often been accused of being lazy, but thats not true at all.

-Ive never liked unpredictable stuff. Visits or sudden changes during the day. This can often upset me for days, there are few things that are worse for me to handle. Ive been this way for as long as i can remember. Moving out was a big challenge for me. I also get upset over trivial stuff like a change in dinnerplans.

-Im a picky eater. For instance, i hardly eat pure meat. I think it tastes like blood. I usually eat some sort of "easy" food (hamburgers, pizza, hotdogs.) If i eat meat it has to be processed. And i see i often have difficulties starting to make dinner etc.

-When i was younger i was often interested in stuff that others didnt really care about at that age. Like ancient egypt, rocks, astronomy and mysteries (sort of stonehenge, loch ness and stuff like that) Later times indulgement includes: The holy grail (and certain theories regarding it, i wont get into detail or ill never finish this post ) Ive always been interested in insolvable puzzles and theories it seems. Another fixation ive had lately is with crimes and murder. Like particular cases.

- Ive always studied things very thouroghly. Thoughts, feelings, babyequipment, clothes, houses... You name it. I can spend weeks gathering and comparing information about stuff. If i want to find something, or know something about something i can spend weeks reading books and do internet based research to get my answers.

-If people dont act the way i expect/think they should act i get easily upset. Its just like i think they should be able to read my mind, and get upset if they dont. For instance, if i think/feel that something should be done a certain way i can try to influence/pressure others to act/feel the same way as me.

-I sometimes find i have a difficulty getting upset about stuff that upsets others. I often think they are really weird or pathetic for caring about this or that and i just cant bring myself to feeling the same way.

-I have a strong sense of justice. I cant stand being lied to. If people dont keep their promises or remember what i think they should remember i can get very upset. Often for several months. Sometimes i never forgive people for this, although i never tell them how i feel. Ive made certain rules about how you're supposed to act and if people dont fit these rules i automatically dislike them.

-I overanalyze conversation. I often try to figure out how others react to things and why. I can relive conversations i had when i was a kid still. Think of how it might have been different or whatever. I often say something i feel is "wrong" that i will ponder on for months. If people critisize or hurt me i remember it forever.

-Horrible temper. Ive been this way since i was a kid, i can explode over the tiniest of things. Like a person doing some small body movements that annoy me for example. But also really big real life issues of course.

Well thats all i can think of right now, there are probably more things but this is getting too long already Id appreciate any input. Thanks in advance!

Welcome!

You sound alot like myself...I just don't bit my nails (just the sides of my fingers at times), and I was fixated more on air-cooled VW's and cars and collecting record albums when I was younger.

I'm not bad at eye contact, had a grandmother that noticed it right away when I was little and she constantly drilled me on it. (In a good way, she wasn't a tyrant...in fact she had many aspie traits herself).

I think you'll find you can relate to alot of the posts here.

Ditto!

Most of that describes me exactly, apart from 10-12 year period when wheat, dairy and sugar trip had got so total that I was capable of NT feats ( beyond me now), because was like being in a simulation.

Welcome to WP. I think an awful lot of people on here could tick most of your list!

I'm in your same boat (waiting to find out). I was the same way as a kid - fascinated by ancient Egypt, unexplained mysteries, etc. I have similar social problems (not knowing what to say - at all, sometimes) and become easily "fixated" on things that grab my interest to the point of forgoing sleep. Eye contact with unfamiliar people is an issue as well. I don't mind physical contact as I'm very affectionate (perhaps overly) with my family. Sounds only bug me if I'm trying to listen to something else (like a phone call; I need absolute silence in the background to talk to someone I can't see). I HATE being interrupted but as a parent I have to just deal with it. My conversations are often one-sided and people usually only get 1/2 an ear from me at best. I also "self stimulate" with my feet, hands, or - in more nervous situations - rocking. I pace ALOT. I also feel the need to touch random objects as I walk by them or run my finger in the groove of a wall while I walk, weird things like that. Dunno why.

Could be AS, but nothing's sure until a pro who knows what they're looking at makes a diagnosis. Besides, you have to ask yourself - what's a diagnosis worth to me? If you're functioning (i.e. job, friends who may think you're weird but friends nonetheless, relationship, etc) then its not a big deal if you ask me. Peace of mind, maybe. If you can't hold a job or even pay your bills on time, then there's a need for something in writing I would think...

Last edited by nomadic28 on 15 Apr 2008, 8:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks for the replies, it eases my mind a bit

Ive been really worried about the symptoms ive related but my therapist usually just frowns and says stuff like "well everone can be like that sometimes" and i guess i disagree. I just cant wait till i can get this all sorted out and have an answer to my worries.

Im glad i found these forums

I wont say i function really. I take care of my kid but thats pretty much all i do. I sometimes feel like i aint good enough at that either, as i dont always feel like going outside. I do, but not as often as i should maybe. I dont have a job, no friends... I have a boyfriend but thats pretty much it. I feel like ive always wanted to know why i was this way, and the reason for me to want the diagnosis is pretty much just peace of mind. And of course i hope to get some help out of it, to maybe move forward and become better functioning all over.

Sure, everyone can be lots of things sometimes. But if its ALL the time, then there may be something abnormal causing IT. Everybody has quirks, sure. But if you've been willingly hanging around people your whole life, going out to parties, etc. and to this day you still don't know how to carry on a 2-sided conversation without feeling like you have no idea what to say, uncomfortable in your own skin and no idea how to stand or position your arms, and you just want to end it and carry on with whatever the hell you were doing, then "social phobia" just doesn't quite cut it, IMO.

Sounds aspie to me.

Based on my own experiences, I've got less faith in "mental health professionals" than I have in politicians and used car salesmen.

That's me, almost.

Sometimes it gets me too, that "should" maybe go out more, have more social contact, do more stuff, but I'm happy like this, when the NT papa of my son, ( we're no longer in a "relationship " as such anymore, just a parenting team, ) isn't driving me nuts, and when I'm gluten etc free as at the moment and so virtually completely depression-free too.

Society puts massive pressure on people to do lots, to socialise, to do some often pointless job. But it's not essential to being human, to being a perfectly alright one either. The standards of " normal" behaviour have changed so much over the years and from class to class, from country to country.

I think if you look after your child, feed them and yourself reasonably healthily, and are mostly not miserable, and do little or no harm to anyone, then you are functioning really well.

That's easy for your therapist to say. Your therapist has a job. I bet your therapist has friends, too. Your therapist can probably go to a party and have conversations with people.

You sound like ME also! ESPECIALLY when I was younger, but even now. You COULD be AS, and it would basically replace the other diagnosis, because they are pretty much a given with AS. So it is kind of like occam's razor!

Phew...

Thanks again. After my therapists comments... I kinda started to think that i was crazy all over again

Shes made some very nasty comments about my thoughts around this, like she thinks im some sort of idiot. I guess i should just push on with this and see where it leads.

Thanks for pointing out those things ouinon, i forget it alot with pressure and everything. Its not always easy to be "different". Ive always had people nagging me to change in some way or other.

It seems that for you, me, and a lot of others people here ; finding that the Asperger's Syndrome answers all the inner questions you have had for years, is a relief

At least you are young and knowing it young (and reading this forum) will help you a lot especially in social interaction and to fake NTs etc.

Next step is your DX, keep us posted!

And welcome here

Fred.

Try looking up something called Irlens lenses. I had the same problem and now I wear a pair of glasses that are a yellowy green and it's better than wearing the darkest of dark dark sunglasses for me for going outside. The headaches are gone.

Won't do a thing for your sound sensitivities but they MIGHT help with your light sensitivities. No guarantee there of course, but they helped me.

I was DXed with AS and I could check off about 98% of the things you mentioned.

I would really consider getting a new therapist. Someone who acts threatened when approached with something outside their expertise is not generally fit to help others because they just bend your reality to fit their "special interest". I spent years in therapy with people who were convinced that all my "traits" were caused by some surpressed sexual abuse(especially dissociation...the cotten wrapping you discribed). I don;t think a lot of therapies that might work for NT's are the most effective for people with AS. Many of our issues are neurological,not psycholigical and the psychological ones come from just being "aspie" in an NT dominated world. The hearing issue is auditory processing disorder,a very common co-morbid although not a specific for the DX.

The experts have a lot of "catching up" to do to get the knowledge aspies are already sharing with each other. The media is another 20 years behind the learning curve...they still think all aspies like to memorize train schedules? Keep reading the forums and you will see that a lot of us share traits that are not part of the current DX but seem to be more then statistical coincidence. The same is true of the some of the things they claim we ARE.... lacking empathy or a sense of humor(if we don't laugh at their jokes,lol),or imagination.

Good luck with the DX. It is an eye opening experience to learn that you are not the only one.

Thanks for the tip on those lenses, ill be checking them out

Believe me, ive considered switching therapists. Thing is, if i do... Or try to... I might end up with no help at all. I just cant do that now cause of financial issues. I get welfare, so id end up getting no money or help with my problems if i tried. Gotta love this lovely country

At my last appointment my therapist told me that i should keep training... She set me a task of going to stores and asking for help with something... anything... The point was that i should train on situations like that. I just dont see the point of asking for help if i dont need any I can ask for help, but id only do it if i felt it was needed, otherwise id manage on my own. (possibly manage on my own no matter what )

I just dont see why she wants me doing stupid things like that. I CAN go to the store, i just dont do it if it isnt neccesary. Fine, training like this has helped me a little bit (like i can leave the house now, which i normally never did) but thats pretty much it. It hasnt made me appreciate social situations anymore, and i dont really enjoy going outside either... And when i tell her these things she sort of says im resistant to therapy cause i should be getting better. She sorta drives me insane

I wish I had said that. That is so true, and I sometimes wish we could carry a big sign declaring that.



The point is that you do need help. The help you need is not in what you ask of the sales person("Where might I find low heeled shoes, please") but help in feeling comfortable in the asking and the social contact. The sales person becomes an educational aide in your self-therapy. The fact that the sales person doesn't know they are acting as an educational aide makes no difference in the matter. You are getting the help you need.

I decided on this tactic many years ago and it has helped me learn how to "fit in" without causing so much trauma to my own psyche. I now do fine with one-on-one with strangers, most of the time, I do quite well with large groups, so long as the group is gathered for one common purpose (meetings, class room, lectures, etc.) I still, after 69 years of beating myself into shape can't handle having to interface with two or three people at once. The exception to that is when I am teaching to those two or three people, because I can then separate them in my mind as individuals and handle them one at a time.

The point to this ramble (I think) is that your therapist wants you to continue training yourself by putting yourself into situations which make you uncomfortable, but that you can handle. Remember the old saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt?" Well, perhaps we are not talking about contempt for a person or a situation or an action, but contempt for the "uncomfort."

I was going into town yesterday to ride a school bus on which the driver is having discipline problems. I do this often, and have ridden this bus before, so I know the kids and I know the driver. I'm good at this job and enjoy it. I am respected by the kids and by the drivers I help. I still had the old familiar roll in the guts and short breath and sweaty brow which progressively grew worse, the closer I got to town. Been there, done that...ignore it and get on with the job. (I still hit the restroom as soon as I got to the shop and threw up.) After the run, I debriefed the driver and we made plans for some things he could do in the future that would help him and the kids. I signed out and went home, looking for a cat or two to cuddle. The point is that I functioned and I helped some people, which is what I want to do and enjoy.

Pops