Adapting to an NT partner

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My husband admits that he probably has Aspergers but thinks that it's no big deal.

Just today he was busy with one of his interests and was a bit blunt and uncaring towards me.
I had been trying to explain my situation, and needed him to help me out, and he merely regarded what I was saying as nagging.

I got so angry I felt like divorcing him. Later, when he considered things he told me he loved me and expressed regret. I know it was genuine.

The problem is that he doesn't seem to show empathy consistently, and at the right moment.

Sometimes, he shows so little comprehension that he makes tactless comments or fails to be reasonable in a situation that most people would recognise requires understanding.

His saying sorry, doesn't mean that he won't make the same mistake in a similar situation, all over again.

That's what makes me feel really unhappy with being married to an (undiagnosed) Aspie: the fact that there sometimes seems so little room for improvement in matters that are difficult for one partner and require that the Aspie partner changes/develops in the relationship.

Unfortunately you really shouldn't expect much 'improvement' in the way he is or the way he acts. It's sad but true in most cases.

Unfortunately you really shouldn't expect much 'improvement' in the way he is or the way he acts. It's sad but true in most cases.

I'm feeling a bit out-of-sorts at this moment Gary, but tomorrows another day, and my annoyance will be forgotten.

It's still disappointing to think that he won't ever change though.

The irony is that many of the things I really love about my husband are Aspie characteristics, such as being very honest, being true to his-self (and not taking fashion or other peoples opinions into consideration) etc.

It might have been better to say something like " I can see you are busy at the moment; would it be OK if we can discuss something important in 15 minutes?" That way he isn't interrupted, and he gets some warning.

As for making the same mistake again and again - that is not in anyway confined to aspies.

My non-aspie hubby and I make it a habit to check if one or the other is busy or otherwise unreceptive. Still, he often interrupts with non-urgent matters when I'm watching an interesting news headline - despite my telling him numerous times to wait till a commercial break.

Everyone makes mistakes. It takes two to tango.

It's one of the only things that I regret in life, not being 'normal' for people I cared for and not being able to show them how I felt inside. I sincerely wish you luck but it you stick it out it won't be easy but it won't be empty either if you two can reach some sort of equillibreum (can't spell it).

I am not familiar with how many Aspies Garyvw has been around, however I know that though out my Aspie life I have changed. I used to be quite clueless how to spontaneously move to comfort or lower the wall I seemed to have up about other people having feelings. But I did. It just took me a while, is all.

sometimes I think Aspies grow emotionally very very slowy, but grow, they do. Especially when they have a reason (like a quality relationship) to!

best of luck to you,

Merle

Thanks Gary and Sinsboldly.

It can be just as frustrating for those of us on the other side of the fence as well. I have an NT husband and his inability to understand what is actually important as compared to his misconceptions of importance are very annoying to me. His inability to understand when I'm in meltdown and to deal with it appropriately makes things worse often times. His ability to always see some calm cool rational side when there is none is completely bothersome and his refusal to get it makes me contemplate all sorts of dastardly deeds. However, these are also the qualities that temper me and make me a little easier to live with. His ability to actually pay bills and to do it on time and in some sort of logical way that I will never understand is wonderful. A bit dragging when I can't figure out how to keep my few things paid up, but at least the household is always functioning. It would be in constant crisis mode if I were in charge.

It's very frustrating to me that when I'm completely involved in a project, he picks that exact time to bother me with some petty house cleaning ritual. I don't understand his obsessive need for cleanliness when everything is perfectly fine in piles, but somehow, that need keeps me on some sort of track as well. Oddly enough. He only wants to talk to me when I'm involved in something else. He never wants to hear about my interests, but expects me to sit through descriptions of work days in rapt attention.

It goes both ways. We've learned to balance it out. Some days better than others. Oh, hell, who am I kidding, most days are not so great, but we figure it out and keep going. That's what you do when you are in a relationship.

If not for him, I would probably never leave the little bubble of our house. I certainly would never experience anything new. I'm too afraid of that. He does ground me in ways that can never ever be explained. I wrecked his truck last week sliding on ice after an ice storm. I was in tears, completely in the middle of a never to be returned from meltdown. He picked me up, brushed all the glass off, fixed up my bloody hand and then sent me off to work in a different car. He's like that. Completely rational in the face of all my doom and gloom.

Ahhhh gee I know I'm going to get in trouble for this....but you are discribing a typical male. Ok in all fairness. I remember in seperate conversations....two of my sisters complaining that when their husbands watch sports they don't pay attention to them. My brothers in law complained and said....."We watch football, we want to be left alone. So my mom told my sisters to go find something else to do while their husbands are watching football. When they said they didn't know what else to do my mom taught them some kind of embroidary....I can't spell it...krewicking..... Then my sisters complained that my brothers in laws kept bugging them when they were krewicking. My mom said to them...again different brothers in laws same converation at different times......."Weren't you watching football?" And my brothers in laws said yeah, but she's not paying attention to me. And my mom said..."Do you want her in your hair during the game or would you rather she do her krewicking?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing, these guys expected my sisters to watch the game with them and not talk....ARE THEY NOT AWARE OF WHO THEY MARRIED?????? Anyways my brothers in laws stopped bugging my sisters during their krewicking and my sisters stopped bugging them during the football game. I would say to you, that you and your husband can use some marriage counseling, so you don't feel rejected and he don't feel like a failure. It dosn't seem to me that either of you are deliberately trying to hurt each other. You can both make some changes, including him. Dosn't have to be great, but enough to help you have a successful marraige.

Liverbird, my husband doesn't care whether the house is tidy or not.
In one way that's great, because living is more important than cleaning, and if you're constantly worried about mess, you end up living in a way to minimise mess (which is crazy.)
However, the problem from this NT perpspective is that it sometimes feels as if I'm doing all the compromising, and expending all the energy.
He does want me to be happy, and in his own way, he does his best. It's very interesting what you write about misconceptions of what's important....because that's what I think his problem is.

Yesterday for example, we came home from a family day out. Everybodies tired.
I know that if we are going to eat on time, I have to start cooking straight away. I do.
We eat. Then I try to get our 3 girls ready for bed. While I'm doing that, I raise my voice (because I discover that they left their toys in a big mess.)
In the meantime, my husband is busy doing a football game on the computer and wants me to be quiet. I find that unreasonable. I'm doing all the work. All he's done is eaten and relaxed, and demands quietness too! I ask for his help. He doesn't want to.

Football is not more important than your own family (knowing that your wife has worked non-stop since that you came home.)
Then once the children are in bed, I have to wash the dishes and sweep under the table bla bla bla...

I don't know if it's an Aspie thing, but he doesn't seem to understand that sometimes mundane activites are part of life, and that it's only fair to share the burdens of these in families.
It's as if he can not bring himself to do mundane things- only things that interest him. It's hard for him to connect that if he makes a 15 minute sacrifice to help me out, it could make the difference between me waking up the next day feeling a worn-out wreck, and me being reasonably content.

He will see my sadness and say "you work too hard, I appreciate it...." but he can't take the initiative to try and actively resolve it. I seem to be surrounded by women who seem to have the power to make their husbands do things. I can't make him do anything.

I know how to react if my husband has a melt-down. I can see it from his point of view. I can also see it from the NT'ers point of view. I do feel sorry that Aspies are misunderstood at these moments. From my perspective, I can react in a way that makes my husband become calm again. If the roles were reversed, my husband often can't show the same empathy. He merely feels stressed by my stress. Luckily I'm really easy-going and don't get stressed easily.

This makes our relationship sound like a disaster zone, but somehow it does work (in the sense that we are happy with each other), and if I were to lose him as a husband, I know that I would regret it. It's hard work though, sometimes.

Shiggly, it's interesting that you all believe that an Aspie male can casually compromise.

In my experience, the poster called Thisisnotmyrealname seems to understand that my Aspie husband cannot seem to compromise. Perhaps this shows up that Aspie women are somehow more considerate than Aspie men. Perhaps women are socialised to learn a sort of disease-to-please behaviour, which men don't. That's where Paula and Opal may be right that it's merely a man thing. However, that's why I wonder why other women do manage to get their men to do what they want.