Truly unable to connect

Post Reply New Topic

So yesterday I was standing around in a place where hundreds of others were having fun. Everybody was doing a conga line. It was crazy, really. That mass being able to connect like that.

I didn't know how to participate and didn't want to because it made no sense to me so I remained where I was.

That's probably what they mean when they say that ASD can make you unable to connect.

Has something similar happened to you?

Countless times. Too many examples to mention.

Too many times to count. 6 years ago was the last time I was around people forming conga lines (on ice.) There are photos of the occasion where I'm not in any lines. I've collected several photos over the years where there's a large gap visible between me and any group I'm with, and where my body language and facial expressions are displaying that I don't belong.

The literal sort of ice, not the drug, I hope.

Very similar things usually happen to me during a social situation. Everyone is talking and doing something, all I do is nothing, but maybe read a SpongeBob SquarePants Comic (or use my PSP or something) if I have one with me.

I have learned to fake a whole lot of things by reading about life skills, etiquette, and psychoanalysis. I recommend anything that gives you insight into the human mind and how it differs from person to person. Read about manipulation, deceit, and every type of human emotion and its occurrences. What you read about deceit can improve your understanding of other things. Everything I learn, I apply it to everything else.

I don't quite know what these people things are. Moving about, making [too much noise] noise, driving [loud] cars and motorcycles, communicating by actually not saying anything, constantly misinterpreting what I say (I only say what I say, no more and no less), constantly deriding me because I don't talk to them (it's ironic, when they talk, the talk they want of me, it's about nothing or the dead obvious, so they aren't actually talking either), they're wrought with illogical actions and emotional disturbances, they assume that I know how they're feeling by just looking at them; they say they have fun, but what they do is god awfully boring [to me], etcetera and ad infinitum.

This describes me exactly - I don't know how to join in & at the same time, I don't know why I should want to join in.

But I also see people (who are not me) enjoying themselves - and feel cut off from that enjoyment.

There is a question that get's asked during the AS evaluation process - something to the effect of "do you find it difficult to have fun," and I think this is what is meant by that. ("Fun," as defined from an NT perspective.) It was a confusing question for me to answer - because "fun" is such a relative concept. The situation you describe gives me a point of reference.

With time I've learned to get in those dark and crowded places where you can (have to ?) dance. I don't really like to, younger I didn't see any interest doing that but now I can do it sometimes particulary if I'm a little drunk... But I still don't like disco : seems like people are able to understand themselves when speaking in such noisy places but I don't ! My ears have no problems, rest of time I can hear every little sound, so are they helped by reading on lips or something like that ?!?! Serious...

Conga line ? I hated this ! Was sometimes obligated to take part, was often the last to get in and couldn't follow all this crazy people. Such things are nothing for me... I became more sociable and "fun" with years but I in this kind of situation I still better like to watch them from far away...

There's definitely a social participation disconnect with me.

Also when there's a social free for all or a conga line.

This sounds completely silly, but I do feel very angry at the idea that people are somehow automatically able to join in and group up, when I haven't been explicitly told what's going on.

I feel abandoned and betrayed. It's painful at times to see everyone else having fun and myself being clueless as to how to participate. I feel strangely threatened and upset by large groups of people all doing things together.
This has happened several times on last days of term activities and holiday clubs.

I'm utterly baffled by how people can suddenly group up like that.
It's a mystery.
There's something in my head that says: "Do your own thing, you can do better than that."
It's as if I want to join in and stand out at the same time in the same way that a jazz musician plays an improvised solo over the basic backing of the band. Like a scat singer who wants to meander the melody around the main theme and stand out above the background instrumental. I've found that people don't want me to behave like this though: they want me to join in with the mass: I simply can't do it, it's too uncomfortable for me.

I notice I tend to do better if I'm surrounded and supported by close friends and family. I'm also much calmer if the event is low key and there aren't too many other people around: there's not excessive crowding and noise.
I also do much better if the activity is structured like a board or sports game.

If there is a family social occasion, I'm the one serving the drinks, setting the table, preparing the computer display, fiddling with the music equipment/lighting, saying "watch your step", blowing up balloons and folding the napkins. Someone has to do all that stuff.

I'm going to say yes to this as well. I wonder if we'll have any dissenters at all?
Calvin, it may not be that hard to fake it, but it still means that I, personally, don't enjoy social encounters, instead they become tense ordeals of checked impulses and guess-work. Since I don't need to attend parties to get anything I want, I could cut them out of my life all together, apart from some atavistic instinct to socialize. Bloody evolutionary artifacts.

This is my traditional role in social gatherings... facilitator, supervisor, steward, chronicler.
Hardly ever an active participant.

I manage to avoid most other situations where I would be expected to join into a "mass" of any sort.

I have to be on the end of the conga line. I tend to freak out when somebody touches me (especially somebody I don't know)

I've learned how to fake it over the years. I can close that gap socially most of the time when there's not a large group around. For the most part people believe what they see and I can fool just about anyone. Closing the gap emotionally, however, isn't something that I've learned how to do.

So do I.

I seem to be much more comfortable in situations where people can show off their individual talents separately.

However, if there is a mass of people and someone says to me:
"Join in!"


I'd say:
"How?"

and

"Why?"


I never receive a satisfactory answer to the "How?" question.
As for the "Why" question they usually say:
"Because it's fun!"
or
"Relax, stop taking everything so seriously all the time!"

Most often though, I'm left abandoned on the sidelines finishing off the peanuts and sausage-rolls by myself...

I'm not usually "rescued" by any kind hearted, obliging soul because everyone else is too socially preoccupied to either notice or care.

Sora,

That is such a familiar feeling that I had to post. When other people are doing something that seems significant to them its like... why? I could join in but there seems to be no meaning. This has happened to me countless times. Glad to be among others who have similar experiences.