Social Situation - Do you Keep Secrets for Others?

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I happen to be in the middle of not one but TWO situations right now and they're very similar.

Let's say Bob tells me some HUGE bit of information. He does not ask me if I can keep it secret, just tells me straight out. Then AFTER telling it he says I'm not allowed to tell Joe or Pat. One of the people I'm not to tell is someone I talk with regularly. I talked with Pat yesterday in fact, and she asked me questions directly that were about Bob. There was no way around answering the questions except to either lie (and then lie more on top of that and then have to keep track of my lies in the future and continue to lie for Bob) or to or tell the thing I'm not supposed to tell. I tried to side step it, tried to change the subject, but finally I said "Please don't ask me about Bob at all. He's going through some stuff and shared some with me and asked me specifically not to repeat any of it right now."

I think that only made Pat more curious and now she knows there IS something - some secret. :\

At first I thought Bob was just being secretive temporarily while this was happening, and that soon (maybe a few days or a week or two) he would tell Pat himself and I'd be off the hook, but he said yesterday that no, he planned to NEVER tell them about this so I'm sworn to secrecy for the rest of my life.

How do you feel about that?

Do you let people swear you to secrecy and make you lie for them? I really never lie - it's just too confusing and hard to keep track of plus I'm terrible at it. EVERYONE knows when I try to lie - which makes it even more strange that I would be given this secret.

I know it's wrong to break a confidence or go 'against someone's wishes' but are other people allowed to dictate what I say and who I talk to and if I am moral or immoral ( truthful or a liar) ?

I have TWO of these situations right now at the same time, totally different sets of people involved.

I believe that what you did was the best compromise for all involved. Perfect answer. As you say, nobody should dictate your level of honesty with others. From here, it's Bob's problem to solve Sue's curiosity issue or not.

This is not an AS issue, btw. NTs have the same dilemmas in this kind of scenarios (and often solve them much less ethically than you did).

I don't remember saying anywhere that this is an AS issue. I said it was a Social Situation.

I appreciate your vote of confidence on how I responded, but it didn't end the situation. This will now go on .... forever? The second person is dying to know what secret I'm keeping and keeps prying and asking. She is pretty obsessive too, so it seems to be bugging her and we can't talk about much else. She won't go ask Bob though because they don't get along and aren't speaking. :\ I just want to be left out of it.

Now what if the secret that you're told makes you angry toward someone else - something horrible they supposedly did? That changes how you feel about the person, you don't want to be around them or talk to them but you can't tell them why because the first person demanded that you say nothing.

Do you tell people things and then give them a list of who they are not allowed to tell? I can't keep it straight. (Probably because I really don't want to be bothered)

In my experience, if they start prying too far, you just have to say you don't know. The more vague you are, the less lies you have to keep track of. Just pretend you're not paying attention and you don't really care that much. That's my technique, anyway. It's great for if you want to stay out of the drama. But you're already past that in these situations, so.... maybe you could ask Bob about a less vital secret you could tell instead. Like a decoy secret. Even a made-up one could work. Then everyone would go back to thinking you weren't hiding anything, which is the ideal place to be IMO. Or if that idea isn't good for you, you could confront them both at once and tell them you're out, and that they have to deal with each other directly if they want.

I do not keep secrets for others - i ask them to not tell me because i am not interested: I do not want to know and i have no use for their personal information.

If someone asks me a question about someone where i am "supposed to lie for them", i simply ask them to go and ask the source instead. I am not interested in taking part in their social exercises.

I cant understand why people need to "confine" in others - it is stupid. If they want to keep things secret, keep them to yourself! Compare: I do not call my friends and tell them my passwords "just because they should know".

It is a pointless stupid thing to do and i see no meaning in it.

Geez, what a difficult situation! I HATE being in that situation! Like you, I also can´t lie.

But, frankly, I think Bob has what´s coming to him...(was that his name? Sorry, I have a hard time keeping track of social information...) In other words, usually when people tell a secret, they warn you first that it´s a secret, ask that you please not tell anyone, etc. In other words, they give you the choice to bow out if you don´t want to deal with it. I think what this guy did to you is really unfair, personally. I´m not sure if that´s considered "normal"...I have no idea...

Maybe you can go to him, and tell him that his secret is causing a lot of problems for you. That people are pressuring you for information, and you´re not good at covering things up. Maybe he can confront these other people himself...tell them personally that he´s not planning on telling the secret, or HE can lie...maybe say the whole thing has been resolved and it´s past, etc.

Of course, I´m probably the last person who should be giving social advice. Hopefully it will resolve itself in some way. But, I can sympathize, knowing what it´s like to be caught like that in the middle of other people´s social problems.

That's exactly how I feel - that it's totally unfair to say it first and then dictate what I can or cannot do with that information. If I had been asked "Can you keep a secret?" or "If I tell you this will you promise to never tell anyone?" I would have said "NO!" to both questions! And I would have taken the choice of NOT knowing. I have done that in the past - it works well. The person looks stunned that you're turning down their juicy little tidbit of dirt or whatever but it really simplifies my life so it's the right choice.

When you don't have that choice..... in both cases the information was given straight out and THEN the person gave all these rules I have to follow now that "I know".

- you can never, ever tell this person
- you can't say anything about that part to those people
- you have to pretend that you still think this is the case, when you know now that it's not
- if they ask you directly you have to lie and say nothing has changed

etc

It's really unfair as far as I'm concerned. And I think I'm the most upset because I'm positive I won't keep it straight and will definitely say something I shouldn't to someone at some point and there will be drama aimed at me for it. yuk.

I need to be EXPLICITLY told to keep something secret. then i will honour that.
But it must be clear and literal for me to understand. Let me know and i will.
(you never know what spills out when i am on an ASD raving monologue. it all just spills and tips out.)

If it is a difficult issue where i am being compromised, i do not want to know.

In my own life i actually have NO secrets. I don't think in terms of anything other than what you see and hear from me is what you get. I do not know how to conceal and edit very well.

Hmmm....well, in my experience, I never even suggest that I know anything. If I'm told to keep something secret--assuming these people are friends of mine--I keep my mouth shut. No one is any the wiser that I know any confidential information. If one of these friends betrays me, and drops me..I let the secret fly

Now, if what's-her-face wants to know so badly, tell her to ask Bob; I don't care if she doesn't like Bob, let 'er ask him.

You could also start using this sort of information to your advantage, and using it against people. Sure, they'd hate you for it, but hey yer Autistic...so what else'd be new?

This happens to me all the time, and I HATE it. People always put me in positions where they force me to keep secrets and lie to people, and by choice I never ever lie - it feels completely wrong and unnatural and generally I can't pull it off anyway.

I keep secrets no matter what; I greatly respect privacy. I don't lie, and I won't lie for someone.

I've never run into problems with such.

Like I said, I don't even suggest to other people I might even know anything; when I'm told a secret, consider it kept...unless we're no longer friends in which case yer screwed

You do not have to lie, just keep it to yourself and ask people not to tell you.

Funny anecdote: There is always someone else who tell. I used to work on developing an application to interface mobile computers (Pocket PCs) with a ERP system. I had a non-disclosure agreement and told nothing, but the sales people went ahead and talked about it as if it was already written and told customers details about how it should work... so, really, what was the point of my NDA?

When I am forced to keep a secret and at the same time I have a lot of secrets about myself I need to keep to myself only,but ironically, I end up telling my secret instead. It is weird because I think my brain is being all "moral" and doing the right thing. By keeping the other person's secret, which is the "right" thing, I end up sacrificing my secret as a lesser of two evils. With my Asperger's, I always talk about what is on my mind and if the two secrets are on my mind when I am talking to someone, my secret comes out, especially if I am talking to the person who is the reason why I need to keep my secret and the other persons as well, I get "screwed". It is a little more easier for me if I only had the other person's secret and none of my own because I am more able to focus on talking about my favorite topics, and the other person's secret would not be on my mind as much. Also having a great memory I am able to make sure that it is kept and not accidentally blabbed out. It is a catch 22 because to me that is not fair to make me keep secrets, especially when i have my own. That is because I blab my own instead, and with the secrets that I need to keep about my self to myself can have a major negative impact when it comes to losing friends, and especially when a lot of them are problems that I prefer to deal with myself without anyone's interference. But because of this secret stuff, I tel mine and get stuck with people controlling my life because of my 'label" they think because i needed help(not major help), I am incompetent. So being loyal to a friend costs me my independence and self- dignity.

I can keep secrets easy, sometimes its the best thing to do.

ive tried to but apparently im a bad lier. and any secrets i have almost always get found out