Making opposite-gender friends

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I met a guy in class I would like to form a friendship with and I just learned he mistook my actions as a "crush." Which it is not.

I am simply treating him in my casual/familiar manner which I admit is rather clingy. It is the same mannerisms I have used to make female friends and it is very natural for me. I believe my Asperger's has prevented me from seeing the differences in how other people interact and how their interactions change based on gender.

So could anyone explain to me how a woman should interact differently with a male than she should with a female? I am obviously doing something wrong. (I had the same thing happen once before. But it was the male's girlfriend who thought I was flirting and got pissy with me. I think he was completely oblivious.)

Women can generally go pretty far with women and still be considered straight. So REAL flirting can be considered casual communication. Women tend to be SUBTLE with men, so some men may consider casual communication to be big interest.

I WISH I could help you. I kind of have the opposite problem.

I had many female friends over the years but I got sick of them all, eventually. Personally I don't find it hard to communicate with women.

However, if some naive little girl thinks she can adress me in a certain way just because I'm gay, without even knowing me, I give her my dignified approach and becomes an ice queen (king) myself. I value certain forms of integrity very highly. I don't mind talking about some extremely private matters openly, but when it comes to respect for who I am I don't tolerate any violations of my integrity. For example, someone approaching me with the attitude that "he's harmless, because he's gay!" or "he's a little lamb because he's an aspie" will be met with sharp claws and depending on the level of the insult, possibly a will to destroy as well. It's interesting that quite a few NT's actually seem to lack refined social intelligence, they don't see a mental pat on the shoulder as respectless instead they see it as a way of humanizing someone and bringing him closer to the group. My pride demands that my integrity is respected at all times.

I would just approach them as you would a same-sex friend.

Incidentally, most of my friends are female.

2ukenkerl
So I should not talk to him like I would a female friend. I am afraid subtlety is something that skipped my entire family. I don't think any of them, aspie or not, have the ability to be subtle. Haha, if anyone could elaborate on this point I would be very interested.

Zoonic
I don't think I disrespected him in any way. The conversations was more like "Well even if you aren't flirting now, don't even think about it later. It would be a bad idea for you." I don't know what that means but that is basically what was said. Maybe I am just having trouble understanding the rest but most of that kind of seems rantish, or I just can't connect the dots. xD

Tim_Tex
I tried that, It seems that was what caused the problem. Also causing the problem was some of the actions I attribute to my Asperger's. (Such as wanting to sit in the same chair every day, which happens to be beside him. I have a tendency to lock onto certain people and try to keep them nearby because it is something I recognize. I have no ability to recognize strangers. Even if I have been in class with them a long time I couldn't tell you "Oh he did the paper on [topic]" or anything like that. So it is very comforting to have some kind of established person nearby.)

I am a male and I don't believe in "platonic relationships".

If I really liked a girl then I would want to have sex with her. There is no point in pretending otherwise.

I have a female friend who I confide some of my most hidden feelings, darkest secrets and most treasured thoughts. We briefly tried a relationship, but I was getting over a crush, and it just didn't work out.
We're still great friends, and I count her as someone that I would trust with some of the most embarrassing information about myself and what I've done. She doesn't judge me harshly, and provides good criticism.
She's someone I trust, and that means a lot more than any deeper relationship for me at this point.

I have trouble making friends with members of my own gender. I have said before...it is like there is an invisible wall between me and other girls.

All of my friends are male..and there is always a certain level of non-platonicness afoot...if they are willing to hang out with you as a friend, they are probably just as or more willing to date you...I wish it didn't have to be that way...it is just what I have come across. My two best friends are guys who I am dating. I tried to just be friends with my main partner when we first met, but it turned out that he had alterior motives....even though he had a responsible NT girlfriend... My secondary boyfriend was my platonic friend for years...but it eventually came out that he had a crush on me for years.... Another good friend of mine was sorta obsessed to the point of stalking...for years...but luckily he is now mentally stable and comfortable with just being my friend...(it is not that I am some sorta catch...I just hang around Spectrumy guys....) A guy who was my best friend for years...we became more-or-less platonic friends after ending our 2-year relationship....I think he isn't allowed to hang out with me because we used to date...

Anywhoo..i am lucky to have the friends i have....and I wish I could find female friends who could be comfortable around me and vise-versa.....not to mention nice regular platonic friendships...

I prefer to hang out with boys, younger boys mostly as my maturity level is similar to boys. When with girls I often feel like the child of the group, and girls tend to treat me younger.

When girls try to be my friends it seems like I often managed to disappoint them for some reason...or there is some deeper lever of bonding we are supposed to have that I miss...or..um...They read too much into stuff I say..or the fact that I am not very social and need my space..no matter how many times I try to explain it to them...OR...they just don't really care one way or another about me and just want someone they can rant to about themselves or their boyfriends...or there is some other mysterious way that i manage to offend them that I simply fail to pick up on...it is always something...

Mikhaillost,
I have a similar problem. However rather than tell me where to jump they always seem to think i am interested in them. I am a very happy and very talkative person and sometime i can come across as flirtatious however i am not. The last thing i want is for a male to think i am flirting with them. I tell them i am in a relationship however they still, maybe through the way i communicate, think i wanna sleep with them or even hook up. Many of my friends have been male and at least 90% of them kept trying to hook up with me. I just tend to act as i usually do but when i feel that they want more from me i walk away. Or i make it plain and simple for them and tell them that i am after friendship not romance.

Hope this can be of some help

Most of my life I studied in catholic schools where only girls where allowed to enter, but I am a girl who is always going out with guys, it's required for me to be as clear with my intentions as possible cause otherwise I would not get cool friends more like jerks crushing on me.

The voice pich & gesticulation, try to stright-talk as good as you can with a clear and stable pich tone. What I mean is that most people change to a softer pich and they gesticulate less clear when they are flirting.

Look at the eyes with security, if you are as aspie as I am then rather not look at the eyes at all! Feeling embaraced to be catched looking directly to a persons eye, and then looking around like I shouldn't have looked in the eyes is a signal of flirting. People do that to let that particular person to know that they shut down their social "fire wall" with them.

Don't play with your hair, this means you care about yourself when you are with female friends, but in a flirt this means you want him to find you atractive. Same with touching/rubbing your heaps, legs, abdominal sides or breasts when you are standing talking.


Never look at the mouth, among girls that are just friends it means that you share her happiness, but among possible flirts it means you want to kiss them.

To avoid problems with the couple of the guy you are talking to, always include her on the conversation BY asnwering to her even if he is the one making the question (looking them both but moving closer to her while you are talking for example).

NEVER talk to him alone unless you have know for sure he's got clear what your intentions are.

And another that has worked for me when the rest fails, go straight and talk to him as clear as possible but in a funny way to let him know that you are not interested on him.

Something like "some one asked me if I liked you! can you believe it?! me?! you?! wtf!?! if we are just friends" hearing that just friends breaks any guy's heart... they hate to hear that, but this is a very bitchy way to do it so just do it in case you are in the "knowing each other" part. If you can consider him already a friend than rather go with a disarming "It's difficult to find friends like you". When the guy is a friend and he has made the effort to let you know he likes you just say "I like you as a friend, I don't like you in.... that way!

Always talk to other NT female friends about this guy and how you feel he's flyrting with you and how you really not find it comfortable, or how you don't like him but his girlfriend thinks you do... then maybe he does. And then make fun with them about it... this will give them the idea that is something that can be talked open socially so they will spread what you think without you saying a direct word about it. But be careful, this ways carries many risks since NT's can be unpredictable

wish you luck!

If you have any more questions let me know!

Oh, I am so glad I found this thread. I have bookmarked it and I am going to study it sometime. I forever seem to get saddled with the situation that a guy thinks I am interested in him in THAT way, and I have had neurotypical friends giving me advice about it, but I have a hard time doing what they say I should do. It just seems unnatural.

I wrote this before I knew I was an Aspie:
http://tania.co.za/collective/blog.nsf/ ... loneliness