First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

Post Reply New Topic

i sometimes "fake it" .. because i am concerned about seeming conspicuously "off" compared to other people. small talk (and even "catching up" sort of conversation) serves zero purpose to me other than that. but luckily, i am often interested in the weather.



how in the world is anyone "connecting" or "reinforcing" things by avoiding talking about anything of substance? this is where i get confused, and where intermittent friendships / acquaintances for me never progress, just drop off the map. if i run into someone and awkward (it is always awkward) small talk ensues, what that says to me is "person x has no genuine interest in me as a person," or "person x is trying to be impersonal, doesn't trust me."




so what is it that is not being said?



how would small talk be used to avoid conflict or social problems?

as you can see by my (mis)understanding of it, for me it simply causes distance and conflict. i don't fail to read other people, i read them wrong.

i often think when discussing things like this (as with reading other people) that the main communication problem between AS and NT people is that they're speaking different languages, not that those with AS are simply missing everything. NTs don't read us properly either.

small talk greases the skids so to speak . Its considered too blunt to jump right in to an important topic right away ,and even just a few sentences of small talk will ease the way into something actually important . As a mostly NT I dont fake small talk I just dont put too much emphasis on it , I view it as a means to get to something I do want to ask or say . hope that helps . Keep trying it gets easier with practice , even if it never feels good

My answers are stuck in the quote box below. I'm sorry I don't know how to fix that.

Everybody reads people wrong sometimes. It isn't like all Aspies are completely bad at it and all NTs are completely good at it. There is a lot of overlap. An Aspie who's made an effort may easily be more skilled than an NT who hasn't bothered, just like anything. A person who isn't very athletic may become pretty good at a particular sport and may have greater skill than another person who has more innate talent but hasn't developed it.

One thing this discussion about small talk is missing (there is more than one) is the concept of taboo subjects. Everybody has taboo subjects that they either don't want to talk about or are "put off" by or are offended by or whatever, that have partly to do with the value systems they were raised with and partly to do with the culture, location, and time in which they live (i.e., context). Easy examples of some taboo subjects for some people are religion, politics, sex, etc. In this day and age of political correctness, the number of taboo subjects is mind-boggling and noone wants to offend anybody else. What this has to with small talk is, small talk consists of safe subjects that don't offend. When you don't the know the other person very well, that is, you don't their taboo subjects and put offs, it is far easier to ask them "how's the weather" then to say something potentially offensive like "say, I noticed you the <insert religious symbol> around your neck, you really believe that cr@p?" When you do know the other person, that is, you have some clue about their taboo subjects, it is far easier to skip the BS and get down to conversation topics that matter. People are like minefields, you never know what will set them off. Therefore, small talk does serve a very useful purpose.

Is it maybe true that NTs are talking about things of substance with their body language and tone of voice, and using small-talk as an excuse to stand next to each other, make eye contact and vocalize?

I would say that is sometimes true , like in the case of flirting . The fluttery eyes , the open stance , the light fingers on the arm touch all are ment to say , " I am interested in you " Good catch Dandelionfireworks !

To NTs. two part question

Whats wrong with pointing? Its a lot faster then "to the left of the TV and next to the DVD player is the bug I see" and so on. I get its rude to pont at people(dont know why but I know its rude) but why?

Write. why is it such a big deal to start all letters at the top and not the bottom? I ask because I was writing a check the other day and the lady saw me and said" oh you must have been home school"

I dunno about the whole pointing thing , I was taught same as you , dont point at people . As for the comment the person at the bank made .."jaw drop ??! !!??" literaly my jaw dropped open at THAT rudeness . I dont see theres anything wrong with your way , I think I was taught to start at the top because otherwise you sometimes end up with ink on your hand .. I am so sorry that comment was made , I have a friend that homeschools her 5 kids and these guys are umbelievable !

Letters are usually made in essentially the same direction as you're writing. Since English is written left-to-right, top-to-bottom, you write your letters that way so your brain doesn't get confused. Also, children are taught penmanship in school, and you're taught to make your letters in a specific way. Mostly, you'll just fall into the habit of doing it that way, so if you write your letters in a nonstandard way, it's reasonable to assume that it's because you missed that instruction.

Pointing at people makes them feel uncomfortable, like they're being singled out but they don't know why...kind of like laughing at someone. It sure makes me uncomfortable when people point at me. Its a golden rule thing.



It's not a big deal. Don't worry about how you write. Let it go. The rude lady was probably having a bad day, or a bad life, or whatever. I try not to let other people's misery get me down.

Thanks you two .. very good advice but why is it also rude to point at things ? I think the example was pointing at a bug ..?

I don't think its rude to point at bugs or other things...so long as they're not right next to a person when the person might mistakenly think you were pointing at them.

What I was told at work (I worked in customer service) is that you don't point to give people directions in that kind of environment because it's seen as a disinterested thing to do...rather than helping them find what they want, it's just giving a general direction and cutting them loose to figure out the rest on their own. People tend to feel rather blown off by that kind of thing because it's like saying "Get it/do it yourself...I don't care enough to REALLY help you."

(Obviously in some environments it's necessary, but in a store it's rude.)

i dont think pointing at things is rude. like someone else said, for customer service jobs, you dont point, you take and show. if you just point and tell, the customer may not find it, but showing them where it is means you know they found it. but in general life, pointing at things is fine as long as it isnt people.

letters start at the top because that is the "proper" way to write. by proper i mean, the way teachers are taught to teach them. ever walk into a classroom and see lining the top of the wall the letters on that dotted line paper, usually with arrows showing which way the penstroke is suppose to go? thats the "proper" way letters are suppose to be written.

my 6 yr old publicly educated son writes his letters mostly starting at the bottom. i am aware of this and i dont do anything about it. if his teachers want to try and correct it, thats fine, however i dont think its high priority on their list either. academically he is ahead of most of his peers, so its obviously not hurting him too badly, and his teachers have more troubled kids to spend their time on.

I wouldnt say they dont seem right. if they are very mild then they will show me through missing some nonverbal information, there is this guy at my school who is a little physically awkward..oh well now that I think of it hes not the right example of mild but id notice that too I believe. He has a special interest he likes to talk about too, and I noticed him missing nonverbal info in gym. My reaction was "gotcha", my friends reaction, well I dont want to say...

Anyway my friend told me that he does have it (knows his sister) and told me not to tell anybody (at the school). I didnt explain the clues I saw in detail so I will assure you that I havent ever thought someone had AS without them actually having it (like just thinking they do cos of something that could possibly be a clue) The guy in the example I was just sure he had it and it turns out he did.

Theres another friend (but online) I saw that has it and he is pretty obvious if you read about AS. He was very surprised I knew and likes to call me his psychologist sometimes (I am better than his psychologists anyway, its so sad that it took them around 14 years to find out (cant be diagnosed before 3 and was recognized here in 1994 thats why i say 14 and he is 19) and I could easily tell ONLINE)

Also IDK how to quote multiple things (from diff posters) but the reason someone with AS would be less dishonest than someone who is an NT is because they dont see the offense or those times when they dont know what they will say will be offensive, and stuff related to that. Anyone is capable of being a little dishonest when they do see that, though. I forget what else i wanted to reply to...
Oh.. sometimes people think it is rude to point because if people see you pointing at them it might suggest you are talking about them, etc, gives them attention they didnt ask for, etc.

Dear Aspie (always wanted to say that....it's like 'Dear Abby' but she's dead):

I) I am curious: Do Neurotypicals separate, (in)voluntarily, their emotions from logic? Related, why are these two stocastic functions often overlapping within NTs? This is very hard for me to reconcile, within myself, about NTs. Personally, logic is. What one is emoting may be transitory and largely irrevelant to the given issue. But not for NTs, apparently. [This reality can be downright scary for me.]

II) Next, from a NT perspective, are emotions congruent to feelings? For me, feelings imply sensory or those really visceral (no word for this (?) feeling) but emotion is another thing. I do feel and am very sensitive but have only 4 emotions. I do not understand how any given NT can have so many emotions (100's?) and are extraordinary at identifying them all. Personally, I use a graph thingy with 4 quadrants to 'know' those 4 emotions, which are quite basal, so I'm told. [I have emotion alpha, beta, gamma, delta. That's it.]

II b) I think emotions are primarily outside of oneself whereas feelings (stems from sensory) are from within; hence the distinction.

I just read that NTs can and do have more than 1 (or even 2) emotions at the same time! A real-world example: Last winter I went to the movie theatre with one from a nearby laboratory - we watched 'Julie & Julia.' Julia Child, a 'good' character, loves her sister very much and they are close although they live geographically far apart. Julia gets a letter from her sister - her sister is pregnant, which is happy news! Julia's sister and brother-in-law wanted a baby and Julia will be an auntie! Julia read that letter aloud to her husband - when Julia reads that passage, she cries. I had to ask my friend sitting next to me, "Why is Julia crying?" My friend said it's because Julia cannot have a baby herself, so she has 'mixed emotions,' maybe even jealousy - bittersweetness. I guess I understand, sort-of, but only vicariously. I don't have the emotion of jealousy either. To the point: My lab friend could easily gleen this emotiveness which alluded me.

Then, III) When I am crying, hard, because my feelings are hurt, why do NTs not understand? In this state, I might not be able to express why, but I've said aloud, "Hurt/sick Lab Pet." They do not seem to grasp this sort of pain.....sigh.

Edit: About Part III: My NT friend (female in this case) said she watches the movie 'Steel Magnolias' and/or eats chocolate when she's upset/hurt and she tells her friend and/or husband. If I am hurt, my feelings are hurt, I have a meltdown and cry/scream, rock back and forth on the floor and curl up until I fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. What is that?