First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Carada
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 12 Sep 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 29

17 Sep 2010, 1:40 am

No, you are right in your advice. It is good to know the behavior is normal, but I cannot keep living like this. I told him such today. He has not replied or made any attempt to contact me, and that speaks louder than words to a NT. So, I'm done and I'm just going to have to accept that this love is over, even if it is the best love I've ever had or the most I've ever felt for someone. I guess I'm done with questions, then. I don't have the agape love that a relationship like this requires, and I don't have whatever it takes to remain attached without suffering. Boy, how I wish I did.

dryad
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 359
Location: Central Florida

17 Sep 2010, 11:23 am

katzefrau wrote:

question for anyone:

awkward dilemma.
due to utter social ineptitude (and a general proclivity for befriending men more easily than women) i sometimes find myself in a situation where i've inadvertently led someone on. i've finally figured out that people often feel they're connecting with me when i'm feeling nothing. (and, sometimes, feeling like a jerk for feeling nothing.)

how can i correct this? how can i make it plain that i have zero romantic or physical interest in a guy, while still being authentic to myself (rather than avoiding, claiming i'm seeing someone, etc) and without coming across as rude? how do you - politely - express unavailability even when single?

How about, "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I didn't mean to give you the impression that I'm interested in a relationship of that nature. I simply enjoy our friendship." ?

No lines, and *hopefully* not rude, either.

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dryad
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 359
Location: Central Florida

17 Sep 2010, 11:39 am

Kiley wrote:

I've got a question for Aspies or others who can speak from personal experience....

Why do you stim? What does it feel like? My eldest two do it quite a lot and I don't see how it hurts anybody, but it can catch the eye of a bully and identify them as an easy target. The psychiatrist has said we should discourage it and he has an adult child with Aspergers who is living independantly.

I will try to remember to ask the Psych, but we have more pressing things to talk about with him.

How does it help you, what are your experiences, and what does it feel like when you do it?

I don't stim *a lot* (I think), but to try to answer your questions:

Sometimes I catch myself doing weird little finger 'flappies' when I'm trying to pull a particular thought to the forefront of my consciousness. It's like I have to stimulate the motor synapses in my brain to get the rest of it working up to speed.

I rock when extremely distressed. I'm not sure it's the same thing as a stim, though.

Sometimes it just feels good (like 'jamming out' to a great song).

For the first and second explanations, I'm inclined to say your Psych may not be correct. Perhaps discussing with your children about appropriate times for stimming (i.e., in a private or secure place) would be a better choice?

Hope this helps some.

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dryad
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 359
Location: Central Florida

17 Sep 2010, 3:08 pm

Kiley wrote:

If I look at someone who is very angry, I may notice they are a bit redder in the face, but I don't spend time adding up the furrowed brow, red face, pulsing vein...by that time they could have decked me. I look and go straight to "UH OH, anger, run! (or whatever)."

Some of the clues are so subtle I couldn't point them out given time, but some are easier to see. I think many Aspies can learn to read some of those things, it may not ever be a quick intuitive process but the might at least learn to see when it's time to get out of Dodge with enough accuracy to avoid a punch in the nose, sometimes. My son has made some progress with it. I'm not an advocate of trying to make Aspies act NT, but if learning to spot a pulsing vein can help you avoid a punch in the nose, I think it's a skill worth considering cultivating.

Actually, this is quite useful info. I read many books on body language as an adolescent, and with some 'experimentation' I did learn much about how certain emotions appear in a physiological sense. I still have to clarify with questions, such as "are you mad?", but I think an understanding of how these outward physical responses can be produced by emotion has aided in determining the other person's general mood. At the least, it's aided me in directing my clarifying questions more correctly. Over time, it has become almost intuitive with regard to the speed with which I proceed, and it's produced more reliable results in interaction.

Spelling the physiological responses out so one can observe them, particularly with the stronger emotions, can be a very helpful guide in ascertaining what's going on in the social dynamic.

Thank you for the excellent example!

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dryad
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 359
Location: Central Florida

17 Sep 2010, 3:24 pm

DenvrDave wrote:

I would like to know: For those on the spectrum, can/do you have some control over a "new" special interest? For example, in a work environment, lets say a manager asks if you can tackle a new problem that you may not ordinarily be interested in, but could you force yourself to focus on it because it may be helpful to your employer and possibly earn you some recognition? Here's an example, lets say a manager asks if you can develop some guidelines to reduce paper waste in the office in order to boost profits. Pretty mundane question, not particularly interesting or even challenging, but could you force yourself to take that on as a temporary special interest?

Yes, but I say this because I personally love "building a better mousetrap", and the above would fit into that category. Of course, I'm only speaking for myself.

Edit:

Perin wrote:

Mmmm, I find I can't trick myself into getting interested into something. Although one way of doing that might be to find some sort of linking attribute between an existing interest and a new one. That tends to be how I obtain newer interests; finding a common thread.

What Perin said. I could be interested simply because of the "better mousetrap" attribute.

I have no idea how I'd react if it didn't fit into that category.

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dryad
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 359
Location: Central Florida

17 Sep 2010, 4:04 pm

nikkib wrote:

If you don't mind me asking a question to those with AS?
How did you find out that you had AS? Did someone suggest it to you? Did you come to the conclusion yourself? Is there a good way to bring up the subject with someone you suspect of having AS?

1) It was presented to me in an almost manipulative way, but now I realize I was being "softened up" to the concept because I didn't know anything at all about the spectrum at the time. (He asked about emotional unexpressiveness, then Autism, then Asperger's.)

2) Short answer, yes.

3) Not until I read the DSM criteria and recognized it in myself. (see above)

4) Answer #1 worked for me, primarily because it was presented in a reasonably non-judgmental way and more as a "curiosity".

YMMV.

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dryad
Deinonychus

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Location: Central Florida

17 Sep 2010, 4:10 pm

DandelionFireworks wrote:

Anyway, stepping off my soapbox, I think you should tell them, and I think you should present it how an Aspie actually would. Tell them about the good points as well as the bad, or better yet, phrase it in terms of thinking style rather than ability. (If you do that right, you're likely to get a response like "but EVERYONE does that!" That's your cue to give them a harsh dose of reality.)

Well said, except for one point: I STILL swear everyone does that! :lol:

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dryad
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Aug 2010
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Location: Central Florida

17 Sep 2010, 4:19 pm

katzefrau wrote:

off topic, (or on the topic of a very deeply ingrained coping mechanism) but i also am unaware that i am speaking to people from a "script" or have rehearsed speech beforehand until they say something i didn't expect, and then i'm completely lost as to how to respond. i've just done these things all my life without knowing the reason.

yes, i definitely have noticed this in myself.

on the face-blindness: I usually can remember a face until it's "changed" by such things as a different haircut, etc. In fact, I've failed to recognize at least 2 people because of hats, and 1 because we crossed paths in a park when I'd only ever seen him at work. On the latter, I managed to fake it until he mentioned the company we worked for. It still took me another year to remember his name, and that I only got because it's the same as a local radio personality.

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dryad
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Aug 2010
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Gender: Female
Posts: 359
Location: Central Florida

19 Sep 2010, 8:49 am

DandelionFireworks wrote:

dryad wrote:

Fascinating. I've always considered myself quite empathetic/sympathetic, yet:

empathizing quotient: 33
systemizing quotient: 93 "Extreme Systemizing"

I'm female, too.

I'd be curious, if an 'expert' in ASD did a comparative study using this test, whether it would show a kind of 'hallmark' tendency for people on the spectrum?

The confusion arises over the use of "empathy" in this context to mean "normal emotions felt for the reasons NTs feel them, as well as love of socialization" rather than what you were talking about.

Agreed. I was actually thinking in terms of the "Extreme Systemizing" mode of thought, and whether it could be used as a sort of anchor for identifying the ASD mind. Should we start a new thread? :)

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dryad
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Aug 2010
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Gender: Female
Posts: 359
Location: Central Florida

19 Sep 2010, 8:57 am

On/off topic:

Now that I've finally gotten to the current last page, I just want to say thank you to Greentea for creating this thread, and another to everyone AS and NT who've posted. This has been a great, mind-expanding experience and I really appreciate all the advice on both sides.

Looking forward to new posts!

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DenvrDave
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20 Sep 2010, 12:01 am

Thanks dryad, I really appreciate your willingness to respond and also your insight

dryad wrote:

DenvrDave wrote:

Yes, but I say this because I personally love "building a better mousetrap", and the above would fit into that category. Of course, I'm only speaking for myself.

Edit:

Perin wrote:

What Perin said. I could be interested simply because of the "better mousetrap" attribute.

I have no idea how I'd react if it didn't fit into that category.

wIzd0m
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 17 Sep 2010
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Gender: Male
Posts: 5

21 Sep 2010, 11:33 am

Carada wrote:

I agree with everything you have said, but what I mean is that what I've read thus far suggests that other people are responsible to help the Aspie gain control or combat the problem. Yes, I want him to accept his role in our relationship and work on things that he agrees he needs to work on, not just say he will and then never do it - or worse, he has to do it in "his time" which can take weeks, months, and I'm beginning to think possibly years. I don't even mind understanding the condition so I can help by being a more supportive, compassionate partner. I don't see why it is difficult to show he cares when I am crying, for example. Why, instead, do I have to be treated like I am wrong or bad for doing it, and then yelled at because somehow I'm trying to make him feel like me or make him have my emotion (which I'm really not doing!)? I cannot help that I have emotions, I believe it is normal, and I believe it is reasonable to expect someone who supposedly loves you to reach out and support/comfort when that happens instead of becoming a stiff shell of a person with a face full of hate and frustration. I don't want to change him, but I do believe that some of his methods need to change if he ever wants a successful relationship with me. So, why can't he just do it instead of admitting that it is not effective or "healthy" but then doing nothing at all about it except to get angry all over again if I bring one thing up about us, our future, or his behaviors? Why am I being told by him that it's "just how he is" and that I need to adapt, change, and get punished or treated negatively when I display emotions or share my thoughts or concerns? All the books and websites I've seen thus far say that it is basically up to the NT in the relationship to guide the Aspie, so why?

First off i would like to say my spouse of 10 years is going through the exact same issues you are having. We will most likely split due to the fact we have 2 other children on the spectrum and she can not handle raising all 3 of us. But thats another story, But to answer your question about why NT need to guide and why?

I know for myself, that out of this love for her that i look up to her. the hardest part about the relationships is showing the right feelings,emotions and for an NT to understand the NEED for our "special interests" those special interests take precedence above all else. A NT takes it as ignoring, or running away when actually it is a form of self soothing. I guess describe it as a warm bath with candles for yourself, that is how we feel. But that doesn't mean we can not work on some issues to help better the relationship, and through the NT guiding us or shaping us as to what is the right time to feel a certain way, or when it is not a good time for us to run away we can become somewhat more manageable or livable for the NT/AS relationship. We are not selfish, just a bit more to ourselves. And that doesn't mean we care less for you. Again i am not speaking for everyone here just what i am going through, and my own thoughts.

wIzd0m
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Emu Egg

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22 Sep 2010, 5:55 pm

ok i have a question for NT's.

in my mind everything is what it is... meaning i dont love something but not. how is it i hear alot from NT's they love someone but dont think they can be with them? And in many cases i hear this i see them with someone new. isnt it you either love someone end of story? I know you can fall out of love.. but then if that is the case why not say.. i just dont love you anymore?

Mysty
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22 Sep 2010, 6:03 pm

wIzd0m wrote:

If I may, I have a question back. What do you think love is? That is, what is love for you?

I see love as... seeing someone as good, appreciating them. For romantic sexual love, add in attraction.

That doesn't always come with the ability and desire to share a household with someone. So, I see it as two different things.

_________________
not aspie, not NT, somewhere in between
Aspie Quiz: 110 Aspie, 103 Neurotypical.
Used to be more autistic than I am now.

wIzd0m
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Emu Egg

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22 Sep 2010, 6:22 pm

Mysty wrote:

wIzd0m wrote:

I guess how i perceive love is someone you care about in many aspects. sharing a household is not only love as i can share a household with another person. but i think i agree with you that i too feel the

same about love. I just don't understand how you can tell someone you love them but not be with them any longer. It would be apparent that if you are no longer with them you no longer love them. You

could say that you remember the good times.. or that you will never forget them.. but why say you love them but cant be with them?

Carada
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 12 Sep 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 29

25 Sep 2010, 1:34 am

Because needs are not being met, is my guess. I love my Aspie so much that I tried completely denying my needs, feelings, emotions, you name it. It did not work. I asked for compromises, but he wouldn't do that either. I usually had to deal with temper tantrums and it felt liek I was raising him instead of having a relationship. I have been trying to make it work for years, but he does nothing to meet me halfway. After this last time of his innocent (because he doesn't understand) and painful behavior, I realized that nothing will change for him. He won't even admit he has something that he needs help with (psychologically speaking). I will love him forever and I will never forget him, but I can't spend the rest of my life never feeling loved, adored, respected, or cherished by him. In that case, I truly truly love him, but I also can't be with him anymore because it is destroying me. I hope I helped in some aspect.

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