So I posted in the infamous AS partners forum for NT's...

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That is the point I was trying to get across earlier. Maybe this is clearer than what I wrote.
Thanks
Maz

I would start looking for the remote as soon as he asked where the remote was.
I hate not knowing where the remote is.

Sometimes it is hard to remember lots of specific rules. I find it easier to work with something simpler like "If there is a problem that I am capable of helping with, offer to help".
My backup position is to ask "Is there anything I can do for you?" a lot. Sometimes I get yelled at for asking that so much but I think it is still appreciated enough when they do want something that it's worth it.

I wonder if the typical NT point of view is that it doesn't show you care if it is an internal rule to ask, or if it shows you care because you made the rule for them in the first place?

I like Tawaki's attitude.

Fewer perplexedcats, more Tawakis, please.

Or, ideally, fewer of both, and more people who have their emotional needs met by autistic people.

So.. fewer autistic people who don't meet other people's emotional needs?

No, that has Unfortunate Implications.

A greater proportion of autistic people who are in mutually enjoyable romantic relationships, or are happily single.

Autistic people have their entire livelihoods depend on learning about what NTs want, and we can't expect our own partners to do their background reading?



Well, no because they are communicating in a public forum where more reasonable people might be swayed away from their nasty propaganda by a more well-reasoned response. Sure, random insults aren't going to help anyone- but there seem to be far less of those from our side than ours. Also, venting is different depending on whether you are in the powerful group or not. It is OK for me to be misandrist when venting, because men generally have greater power, but not OK for me to be racist or homophobic for example. The same principles apply ehre.



I disagree- many people lurk and don' t post. We need to send a consistent message that this kind of attack on our community will not be tolerated. There is no space in which it will be tolerated, whether we are excluded or not.

Man, I'll tell you what, these people are some pretty bitter, hate-filled examples of human refuse. Don't give them another thought, the world is chocked full of simple-minded idiots like these and there is nothing you can do to pry their tiny little brains open so some real compassion and intelligence might seep in.

The existence of this site doesn't mean that other people aren't doing their research. I imagine that the only time you would mistake AS Partners as a site for support and understanding is when all you were looking for was what was there. There is no point going there and arguing with them.



Blame and attacking is not going to help, even if you see it as defending your position. Hate sites exist and so do reasonable discussion forums. People will find what they're looking for. It's not like WP is hidden from the rest of the internet.



This attack on our community will not be tolerated... and we'll show them by attacking their community?
If you can get it shut down by some anti-discrimination or anti-hate law, by all means. But going there and posting is going to do nothing constructive.
Just my 0.02c
Maz

While what I think you are saying is right, I feel from reading this thread and your comments (with some others) that you mainly post there to get a response in a bit trolling fashion. You may not be, but to be honest I feel that you more trying to get an emotional reaction out of people rather to do any actual discussion; even the thread title here is really suggesting it...

I am Autistic or Aspie, however you want to say it, but I think there can be messed up Aspie people who get into relationships with NTs and then proceed to wreck them. Sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not, but the usually emotionally hurt person should be able to vent. Whether they can provide actual useful advice is a different story, but its not one you should really be repeatedly trying to bring up there.

As for hate speech, I think you need to get a thick skin and not get worked over anything unless its people suggesting murder or attempted murder, like the person says flat out clearly to go kill somebody or actually try to. Otherwise its people trying to be emotionally supportive, which is important to let people move on. Although I realize being Autistic, I may have no clue...

That all said, I don't think there is a much advice as much venting, but I don't feel it is my place to criticize them there. If you want advice, then maybe make a place where that advice can be placed? Posting arguments/debates/criticisms there seems a little rude if one was Autistic/aspie in my humble opinion.



I think the above quoted is how you (people here) should start looking at them, since you really don't need to be posting threads that feel along the lines of "I posted as this place where the response is what it is, and look how much responses I got that look to be hateful. Discuss". It doesn't engender efforts at understanding, it feeds the flame of rage, anger, and hatred, pushing both sides to being unable move beyond the issue and so let it ruin any chance at discussion.

Final parting thoughts: There are good, decent, cruel, confused, unaware, vicious, types among Autistics since runs the gamut of personalities. This also applies to NTs.

Honestly, I don't understand why you didn't just ask him to help. If you know he can't infer things like that, why do you think it would suddenly change?

Either that, or the autism itself is unusually severe, I suspect. According to my diagnosis, I'm an Aspie of average severity, my scores are around halfway between no AS and maximum possible AS. If my partner told me that the car was stuck in the snow, I'm pretty sure I'd do more to help than just to stare blankly, so I doubt the average Aspie is that unresponsive.

I'm glad to see a reasonably civilised discussion here between ASDers and Tawaki who is having problems with an autistic partner. I wish the AS Partners group were half as respectful.

I'm sure it can be very upsetting for anybody used to the idea that a partner should "just know" to offer help and to have a pretty good handle on appropriate help to offer, to find their partner can't seem to do that. I think with ASDers, it's very helpful to ask clearly and literally for what you want. I think NTs tend to have trouble with that, for them it seems to be a need that won't go away, but clearly and respectfully spelling out your needs can work wonders. I think it's just as important for the ASDer to put genuine effort into making adjustments too.

Somebody asked Tawaki why the problem didn't get noticed and seen as a dealbreaker during the courtship. I think that's a good question. I think people generally find it easier to relate when a relationship is just starting, and ASDers are no exception, so I can see how the condition could be unnoticed until it was too late, but not with a severe case. If the autism is so strong that the person just doesn't get certain important emotional things, it doesn't matter how confident, energetic and positive the new relationship is making them, they can't speak a language they simply don't know. The good news is that in cases where the ASD partner once used to do better, it means the potential to do that well again at least exists, and the NT partner has a good case for expecting it. If it was always bad, perhaps the NT needs to find out why they failed to notice in time.

+1
Unclear communication is asking for conflict.

+1

Like I said, unclear communication asks for conflict.

Yes, this!

I think that a certain level of social cognition or tom is needed for a person to have a courtship, relationship, and marriage. I don't really buy that autism tom problems are the main cause of not helping in the snow or moving situations. The moving situation is eggstreme, I don't think I know anyone who would behave like that. It seems like eggstreme withdrawal and eggscape from eberrything requiring the least bit of action/effort/responsibility on his part. I would completely understand if tawaki or someone in a similar situation needed to vent a lot.