Aspie Men are Jerks

Post Reply New Topic

Actually they did, and two became wives, both of whom Im still very good friends with (after hating each other of course).

But of course its the ones who dont show interest that Im most attracted to. And Im currently batting about 2 for 20 in that arena.

Nowadays, if we dont meet in a casual setting with no game playing, we dont meet. Ive learned to accept my limitations and move on.

Do you really think it is so easy to find someone who is the right fit? I always found I could eliminate most of them on big matters in the first five minutes. After that it was useless to pursue it because if the big issues are off there's no point anyway unless you just want somewhere there to fill up time and space.

I guess I also think it's incredibly foolish to think you can compromise on everything. If one adamantly does not want children and the other one is even on the fence about it, that's a recipe for disaster.

I think true compatibility is rare, at least it is for me. I was never interested in dating just to date. I always thought it wasted time and I had friends to hang out with, I didn't need to hang out with men I had no hope of ever developing anything with.

Maybe I was different, but I don't think it's all that easy to find someone you could really actually live with for a long period.

I alway knew if someone had potential within 5 minutes. I'm not sure how it worked, but it was some kind of intuitive knowledge, perhaps from processing many small facts I was able to glean from them. I agree that a good fit is probably rare.

Well, see, there are more NTs than Aspies, so that makes us the ones with the "syndrome", even though NTs can no more read us than we can read them.

For me it was a case of eliminating them based on big issues and the ironic thing is that they would say the wrong thing trying to impress me! LOL I think they were saying things they knew most women wanted to hear. Most of the poor things didn't even get to the point where they completely got on my nerves, but I'm sure that would have happened with most of them. Even know I can look at a man and most of the time see NEEDY on his forehead like a big neon sign.

I do think it's a case of knowing yourself and what you want. If you know what you want, it's pretty easy to figure out who is going to fit with that and who never will.

Imagine two aspies then, lol. Mind you, I still do not really know how the aspie man I have adored for the last 10 months feels about me as he has yet to speak to me, lol. He is either stubborn, hates my guts or is just determined not to get burnt again. Been alone for 10 years, mind you and seems to be very set in his daily routine. I do know he told one person he liked his admirer a lot, yet when anyone asked him about me, he said I was a stalker, we have nothing in common etc etc. All very well, but the day after saying such things, he would be hovering... I call it hovering as he would sort of stand nearby or walk past me etc. As to my efforts to get his attention... I didn't do very well. Initially, I started turning up more at the store he has his social network in and the library where he went to read, and would sort of skate round the park on my skates and wait for him to walk through on his way home... then I left notes in a place he sat...sent letters, left poems, even got lyrics put on t shirts. Hopeless, lol. HE liked the poems and showed them to people, but to this day...it is a matter of one day indifference, next day eye contact and hovering. And I do the same. The one time I did venture to talk to him.. I asked if he liked my poem...he simply looked up at me for a few moments then looked at his lap and started fidgeting with a bottle of aftershave as tho totally oblivious Needless to say, I have mostly given up now.

ah, the creative juices at work. Good one.

But see, thats the problem with AS men. Of course a man is needy. why do you think he's trying to meet you. He needs a woman. To what extent that reflects his own self worth is what you're judging him by. But in reality, its a game. And most AS men cant play that game for s**t, as we tend to wear our emotions on our sleeve.

I know I am being judged from the second I approach a woman, and it makes me want to scream. But screaming never seems to help, so Ill stick to needy.

I'm not sure how I went about it. I'm very intp and things just seem to gel in my mind without a rational reason, or at least I don't look too carefully for one. If it is right in my mind, it is right for me. I was attracted to the strong, quiet type of man, not the flashy super-good-looking jock type. I had to find something sexy about their mind, not just their body. Since I'm so theorretical, I need someone grounded in the here and now. Someone who has my back.

In turn I can contribute ideas and visions of the furture that he doesn't intuitively have. He can take the ideas and apply them, whereas I'm simply the idea generator. I'm always looking into why not this? and he can see the pitfalls of the ideas with his grinding, factual thinking. Will it work, he thinks? I don't have to work so hard on that and can keep generating new ideas.

Funny that he went through a crisis years ago, became very ill and couldn't work. I was working at home as a writer and working with our 2 children on the spectrum. I went into total hyperfocus mode. I created a business to support us and it became very successful, but I wouldn't have done it without having that responsibility dumped on me.

Unfortunately, I became a workaholic and a poor manager. I could create things, but not get the employees to follow the system. He stepped back up to plate and took over the operations. My brain become stuck in hyperfocus mode and I began hyperfocusing on anything that grabbed my attention. I was like a hamster on a treadmill and couldn't stop. We were getting into arguments at work over trivial things. I went into a withdrawal for almost a year. I felt devastated and like a failure. The old aspie traits sabotaged me. Sometimes, I feel I paid a terrible emotional price for it. I don't think he understands that.

I think that is why I came here, looking for some answers as to why these things happen. I'm starting to feel better about things and my relationship has survived. For some reason, I cannot find any pleasure in my successes and am only haunted by my failures.

I didn't mean to hijack my thread here, but that is the story of my relationship, and where I am now.

BTW, I had many failed relationshps prior to my one sucessful one. Don't give up hope, fellow aspies.

hehe another commercial book ...but honestly i loved some of faq answers some of them are true in fact , I am not aspie tho I am HFA but I think i can be counted in this article .

that means we autistics are LOYAL .We autistics find hardly to switch our feelings quickly from one person toward another .....i know that but i am experienced twice ...and my friends didn't understand why i still love the same person despite there's no hope with her . I noticed too that aspie/autistic men and women tend less to cheat , maybe because they can hardly find love so they stick to it .


another true thing that i am unable to show affection in real life ...i show it extremely in writing/typing but not in real contact ...girls sometimes think that i am cold and this was one of the major reasons that i am single right till now



this is s**t ...really : "don't empathize" like if she s able to read our minds

Well, being INTJ I am completely certain how I went about it. Does he want children? OUT. Is he ambivalent about children? OUT. I mean I was only 19 and 20 so most of the guys weren't even making those kinds of major decisions and leaving the door wide open because of course they think all women want them to say yes. And of course I got up and walked. It's pretty funny to think about it now, but I was completely right to do that. There's no compromise on that one.

I have both. I like a certain physical type and they have to be intellectual. They also have to be logical and not overtly emotional. I know all men think they aren't, but most men are emotional or I bring it out in them. In any event, that's a killer for me. They can't need any nuturing (that woman in the book would love that one!) because I wouldn't notice if they fell over dead from starvation. They can't have any domestic expectations either because that's not happening. I'd sleep on the floor and I might have a pillow if someone gave me one. I don't notice anything when it comes to where I live and I certainly don't engage with it. So basically, I have to have someone who is going to take interest in that and care. (She'd love that too!)

My dh and I went through the wringer ten years ago. He went through a hard time and just shut down. Like you, that left me to take over and it didn't go well, needless to say. Actually, it was a disaster until he pulled out of it. I did manage to pay all the bills, but that was about it. That's the only time he ever told me I wasn't there for him. It really, really upset me, but he wasn't being his logical, verbal self and I'm hopeless at reading people. Oh well, we survived and now we know what can happen. He just says he'd never let it go that far now. Thankfully he doesn't feel like I should have magically changed for him. That's what I like the best about him.

I feel bad for the guys on here. I know how hard it was to find a man like him so I can't imagine finding a woman who would view the way we are from a logical and intellectual perspective. It has to be hard. Ugh. Then to see crap like that book that blames everything on the poor guy who simply CAN'T recognize that stuff. It's irritating. How hard can it be for them to just say what they mean? Is it really that hard? I hate all the communication game playing anyway. It seems so dishonest.

The communication lines are down!
Somebody snipped the telegraph wires between Brain-ville and Brain-town!

Who is that at the zoo behind the bars? NT or Me? Who’s the monkey?

First some small talk to give you my perspective. And a loud THANK YOU ALL for sharing your views. I’m older than most of you here and have just recently stumbled on WP. I feel like I’m home after finding my holy grail. I have experienced much of the frustration I see and feel here, so much so it has brought me to the point of putting a gun to my head (metaphorically). NT’s don’t understand that: Oh My God, how morbid, what are you trying to communicate?

I ‘m jumping in late to the conversation, haven’t read all the comments, but the few I did made me laugh out loud. So, Aspie men are jerks, eh! This is the type of insult that I ignore nowadays. They don’t make me feel good, but I don’t let them make me feel bad. Dr. Marshack is obviously the monkey behind the bars trying to make us look like monkeys. Her view from behind those bars is simply; narrow, like the view a place like that would offer. I feel sorry for her. I just glanced at the first chapter of her book and it sounds like she has got it all wrong, the guy she described: “Grant” seemed to be a very severe case. To paraphrase: “unable to relate to his wife’s pain, just stood there”. Come on! Are there AS’s that detached? We all have varying degrees of AS, and I’m at least able to intellectualize another’s pain. Feel it!

Being the diplomatic type that I am, I see both sides of an argument. In the past, this man, me, has been a frustration-fueled jerk when the communication lines were down. I take ownership of that. I was angry that I was misunderstood and that I was unable to communicate, not able to understand. Perhaps I was like a puppy-dog needing some training, and sometimes: Don’t potty on the floor! You just chewed-up my shoe! Was all that I could hear. What I really needed was an Adult, a mentor to guide me. Though I was on my own, I didn’t give-up. (Came close sometimes). Nowadays, I’m better able to communicate. And I need to bridge that communication gap so my children will not have to walk the same path.

The relationship piece: An Aspie woman or very understanding NT with a broad view is the only way to go. I’m fortunate; my partner hasn’t given up, though she can get very frustrated. There’s more to write, got to stop, I tend to go on and on and on and on......

Is the Moral: Help the monkey? Don’t be a monkey? Both?.

(Side note here) I tend to use metaphors when I write. Is this a problem? I ‘m assuming we’re a literal bunch, some more, some less. I don’t want to confuse anyone.

Last edited by Beammeup on 02 Apr 2007, 3:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I would just like to point out that 'his need of empowerment over you',seems to be more your need to give him your power,so you might want to stop projecting your needs onto him.

As far as the whole 'car circleing thing'.....just bizare,maybe it was some kind of 'stimming' on his part.

She seems to have a bleak perspective on men with AS. She says that women who are in relationships with AS men need to take back their life and regain their sanity?? I don't understand why she has such negative feelings about men with AS. Perhaps she was married/in a relationship with one, and she has a vendetta against them?

About the OP.....disgusting.Dont you pity her husband?

This monster is simply doing what "capitalism with out conscience" demands....selling people what they want.Evidently what they want(and the bases of much of modern psychiatry)is to be pitied and seen as a victem.I mean who is going to pay $25.00 dollars to have someone make them accountable for their own choices?$25.00 to hear that they need to learn someone else's perspective and challenge their own belief systems?

It annoys the hell out of me that someone can present themselves as an expert, (because she is married to one aspie?and has a psych degree?)How fricken scientific.That really makes me question her understanding of"scientific method",how she came up with her information.I noticed she is writing a new book about people with ADD now and is asking for people who are entrepreneurs who think they might be ADD.

And the comments on parenting were outrageous......maybe she could look at how some NT parents have abused their AS children by trying to turn them into little NT clones.Many of the parents here who has As seem much more compassionate then any thing I experienced growing up.

Men find it easier then females because society expects them to be more selfish and uncompassionate?Someone needs to clear up this whole...."male brain" theory of AS.I have seen some of the younger males with some odd ideas about females...(due to an unfortante lack of exposuer) and certainly no worse then many of the NT males I knew in school.What I have seen that is more "odd" is a level of caring for the other people on this site(generally)that is far less hostile then the way many NT males "bond".....mostly by bashing,insulting and hitting each other.Maybe this women needs to spend some time looking at the Haven to find out how much compassion aspies can have to people,who arent criticising,insulting,controlling them.I do tend to have less compassion for people who approach me as if there is something "wrong" with me,which describes man of the women complaining about their spouses.....and I have zero compassion for the women who wrote this book to make money by perpetuating stereo-types and misinformation.



I think we should file a class action law suit....anyone want to start looking for a lawyer?(Based on the hypocritic oath...first do no damage,also slander?)

bingo