Think my husband has Aspreger

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mmaestro, I am not judging anyone, I am talking out loud about my case--I just don’t understand why my husband marrier me.

I read about shizoid disorder--not him at all, absolutely not, this is not what he has
He took the test that I found here for Aspergers, I looked at his answers--in total denial. It asks if he has an obsession, his answer is NO. I am like--what about your obsession with computer? He is like--I am not obsessed with them (taking his laptop to the bathroom does not qualify as obsession, right?)
By looking at his test asnwers I can see that he is pretty much in denial. It asks him if it is difficult to communicate with people, his answer is no. He spent 2 hours doing the test, analyzed every question for like 20 minutes before answering, argued with me on most of them....anyway, he came out as a NT with a little of Asperger 130 out 200, but i think it is because of his biased answers...
So now he is sure that he has no problem at all, according to the test

Why? Compromise is one thing, but giving up the things that make you you is quite another, and it seems like that's what you've done.

Who-Am_I, i am not suffering, i am happy because it makes him happy, i love change, i think it is good to change. Yes, compromise is good, thats what i am trying to say--both people have to compromise in the relationship, not just one

That's not what you wrote. Here's what you wrote:

The clear implication is that Plutonian and Rynessa are likely incapable of having a relationship with an NT that would make that NT happy. Now, that may not be what you meant, but it is what you said.


Really? 'Cause they can look quite similar. The DSM-IV criteria (that's what the American Psychiatric Association uses, yes it's flawed especially when it comes to ASDs, but it is a useful tool nontheless):

Four in the first section is all you need. Those all seem pretty apparent. Not saying this is what he has, but.. I wouldn't rule it out. And - and this is important - if he's already suggested this might be a problem he has, it may be the only way you can get him to a a psychiatrist or other qualified doctor for a full assessment. It kind of doesn't matter what he thinks he has when he goes through the door, as long as he's open while he's there, and they should hopefully figure out what he actually has.


I'm not actually sure how accurate this is. There are a number of parents on here who I've seen commenting they've had to give up their special interests completely so they have time to care for their children. They just have to avoid starting anything which would start them focussing on something so intently, they know they can't indulge it, so they don't. I have to admit my home life is such that I'm the same (even without kids!), I very, very rarely get to focus on those things I'd call a special interest because if I do, I want a significant chunk of time to do so and to have a lot of mental energy left. I know I won't get that time and won't have that energy. I've got a hex grid of the entire state of New Mexico a quarter filled that I've not touched for a year and a half that I desperately want to get back to. Tough. My personal relationships and job and dog would suffer. I can't. That's the end of it.
It takes a conscious decision, and it's hard, and I'm sure that there are some who can't do it at all, but I think there are a lot of aspies who if they have no other choice are able to make those compromises necessary for relationships to work.

Does he view using the computer as a form of work? I know that I am stereotyping/assuming this but it may be that him having fun on the computer may be the same as him working. It is probably really hard to tell.

I could be wrong; but this definitely does not seem like her intent. She stated that her husband has many traits which correlate to a person who is diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.

She came on the site to get the opinions of other people who have Asperger's; not to make fun of or insult them by comparing them to her husband.

There I go again speaking from my perspective only... I'm sure you are absolutely correct in saying that a good portion of aspies could give up their special interests in order to persue the tougher one-on-one parts of a relationship.

I'm on the cusp so to speak: I'll be talking with my fiancee while reading about one of my special interests: astrology. This is actually a step forward because I used to totally ignore her, but after having numerous fights I finally got the point that this is probably not a good thing to be doing. Hey, just admitting that I might be wrong about something is a step in the right direction!

You ask why your husband married you.
Why did YOU marry HIM?
You're the one complaining.

You also said you live "not seeing any compassion, affection".
I can see both affection and compassion in some of the things you have said your husband does. I told you as much already.

Lastly, I am VERY offended by the way you have written to Plutonian and me.
My marriage is going a heck of a lot better than yours.
How dare you talk down to me in that way.

Last edited by Rynessa on 04 Dec 2007, 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Just to point out the obvious, there's many "normal" people who don't like talking and sharing emotions; this doesn't denote a neurological disorder. There's many people with AS who like talking and sharing emotions, sometimes they do it too much to those they care for.

Sorry to say, but it doesn't seem like you're happy with him. If you're trying to figure out if he's autistic or if he'll be a good father, he might, he might not. But if a child's parents aren't happy together, regardless of any disorders, they'll pick up on it and it is likely to affect their development.

You are saying that you want to understand if he has this behavioural type (that you quite obviously dislike), but what difference is it going to make knowing that he has it or doesn't - would knowing for sure excuse the behaviour in your mind? At the end of the day, you havent been together that long, if you are this unhappy now, you should get out of the relationship before children and time make it too hard to leave.

Mmaestro, I am talking only about my husband here, noone else, when I said--you should think before you marry, I was referring ONLY To him, every situation is different, everyone is different, I cant talk about anyone else except for us

As for schizoid disorder--I've read the description, it says that people with this disorder are not intersted in sex and take pleasure in very few acitivites. It also says that it starts in adulthood, does not say anything about childhood. MY husband is very phsyical, loves sex and is very active---he enjoys all kids of activities. His problems with talking/emotional detachment started in early childhood.
I doubt he will go to a psychiatrist, he is a doctor himself, so he thinks he can deal with all problems himself--by reading about them, he never goes to doctors.

Brian, no, computer is not work for him--it is his life, relaxation, the only way he knows how to communicate--email, chat, he installs/reinstalls software, programms, but it is mostly for leisure, not work. He is also playing computer games sometimes and goes to message boards, not work related at all. he is not a workaholic at all, I would even say he is pretty lazy, he likes to procrastinate.

Guys, I am not talking about anyone else, but my husband, I don’t know any of you personally, and I would never judge anyone, especially people I've never met

I guess the reason it is so hard for me to understand his is I always to try to please everyone--I even worry about my cat, that she is lonely, I spend time petting and playing with her every day, no matter how tired I am. That’s why I don’t understand my husband--why doesnt he understand that it is an obligation to make your loved ones happy even if requires sacrifice on your part? It seems that i give more attention to our cat then my husband gives me.

Plutonian, I am so happy to hear that you are working things out with your fiancee!

Rynessa, I have already explained why I married my husband--I did not know that the problems were so deep--I thought he was just shy, there was a strong physicall attraction, most of the time we were having sex, it took time for me to realize what was going on, that something was not ok. The biggest set back happened after my miscarriage this march.
And I did not mention anything about YOUR relationship and did not judge you as a person. I am talking ONLY about my situation and my husband. I don’t know you, and I would never judge someone I don’t know. I am glad you marriage is going well

Yes, Sarah, I understand about children being affected by their parents being uhappy together, I know it very well, that’s why I am trying to decide what to do.
I guess it would help me to know if he is some kind of autistic, then I would have an excuse and explanation for his behavior, I guess. Until I relazied that it could be some kind of problem, I has I was getting very frustrated and upset, I was taking his coldness personally, i thought i was not interesting for him as a person, that he only wanted sex out of me and thats it.

I've just read all the messages and replies after your post... there is a LOT of information in there.
I really think that your main problem now and for a long time has been and will remain communication.
You need to open a communication line with your husband or this is not going to work for you, especially if you have children in the future.
I would suggest to explore options, and I think verbal communication won't work in your case. This seems maybe ridiculous but try: why don't you start sending him letters? e-mails? you would be surprised how much he can express to you once the barrier of physical "signs" is down. I'm not AS, is my daughter that is one, and I really find it a lot of communication possible with her when we share computer games, drawings, games, etc.
The big problem will remain in your side, you may need to get HIM to listen to your problems and that may be more difficult for him, but once the channel is open, then you will be able to send him messages about your feelings, needs, worries... try, you have nothing to loose and a marriage to save.

You most certainly WERE talking to me personally.
You mentioned me BY NAME, and said "you should think about it before you get into the relationship with an NT". The same paragraph implies that Plutonian and I are incapable of giving compliments or showing compassion and affection.

I could demonstrate for you how an Aspie shows OUTRAGE, but instead I'll show you CIVILITY and RESTRAINT and end this post here.

Yes, Rynessa--this is the exact problem i have with my husband--he does not undestand me. sometime people speak hypotetically. i could not address YOU personally, i dont know you.

There's absolutely nothing to do but waste time and energy in a relationship where one person wants to work on the problems and the other one doesn't.

Doesn't make any difference whatsoever whether he has autistic traits or not. It is NOT an autistic trait to not want to work on one's marriage. It is NOT an autistic trait to blame one's wife of the problems in the marriage.

Maybe you're looking in the wrong forum. This place is mostly frequented by people willing to make efforts and take their share of responsiblity to improve their relationships. I don't think you'll find on WP many people saying that the problems in their relationships are the other's fault and the other should just be happy - as your husband tells you.

With all due respect to you, your husband sounds like a jerk to me. Nothing worse than a husband who tries to convince his wife that she's mentally unhealthy. At the risk of you considering my words offensive, I suggest you join a forum for abused wives.

Don't ever, ever stay with a husband that tries to convince you that you are the one with the problem when they're not behaving like a COMPANION. A relationship is, if nothing else, companionship, so what you're not getting in your marriage is the very basic.

Sorry if I was too blunt, and just wanted to add my suggestions didn't mean you're not super-welcome here, of course you are.