First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Implied meanings aren't added. They are an inherent part of conversations, as much a natural component as body language and tone of voice. It is possible for an NT to edit them out if we think very carefully before saying each sentence to an AS person. I do my best to do this when talking to my daughter and anybody else who I know has AS. It's only fair, given that we ask precisely that of you, only in reverse. However, it is just as hard for us to strip away implied meaning as it is for you to divine it. This is a communication gap between us that requires both parties to speak in a way that is unnatural for them.

But wondering why we do it is like a deaf person wondering why hearing people insist on talking to each other when sign language and typing is so much more effective. When you don't utilize a particular channel of communication, it must seem wearying to spend your entire life adjusting to the people who use that channel constantly. But the people who use it constantly aren't about to stop using it unless they absolutely have to in order to communicate with somebody who doesn't use it. Taking things at face value and having no implied meanings is as difficult for NT people as using sign language is for hearing people. Which is to say, it's possible, but it's a form of communication which must be learned and practiced and which will subsequently only be used to communicate with people who don't communicate in the same way.

Thanks for the response. That just makes everything so much more hard and painful... *sigh*

Question for the NTs: what do I have to say to explain that I like you, maybe I even love you, but if I'm forced to remain in your presence for another second I'm going to have a meltdown? Does not wanting to spend every second of every day together mean I have to utterly hate you? Why is communicating this an insult? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?! WHY DON'T I UTTERLY HATE YOU?!?!?! What hoop am I supposed to jump through to tell you that, yeah, I'm obviously upset, that's precisely WHY you need to GO AWAY AND FORGET I EXIST and do it ASAP?!?!?! STOP IT. How do I tell NTs not to assume that an involuntary show of negative emotion means I've invited them to come talk to me?!?!?!?! In what universe does that even make SENSE?!

(To all the NTs who are reading this and have not been interacting with me the last couple of days, sorry, it's not you I'm upset with.)

Wish I could help Most NTs don't even know what a meltdown is or what it means.

I'm not NT, but can you tell them directly that you need time to yourself?

Excellent posts, Janissy.

I agree with Janissy - you can't. The concepts of "expression" and "significance" evaporate if there's no social context for them. The expression has to be directed at an audience who evaluates it through the lens of their social world.

But couldn't you just be expressing something purely to yourself? Yes, in a sense, but it's equivalent to talking to yourself in a made-up language - from everyone else's point of view, it's gibberish.

(My views on the matter are derived from Ludwig Wittgenstein's book, the Philosophical Investigations. I think it would be a good book for Aspies to read, who want to understand the role of language in social interaction. I admit it's not the easiest thing to understand, though.

Might sound odd, but the problem could be the way you cope with boredom. You find it boring, so you probably escape into thinking, when you might be better off bringing yourself to be one with the task instead of divided - the part of you with the task, and the part of you attempting to get away. Chase two rabbits, catch none. It's a Zen thing.



Wow, that's pretty intense. So it's not just boredom, it's also anxiety. And then you're not only distracted by the boredom, but the anxiety fractures things even further. You might use some rational self talk, and some mindfulness of body so you can let any anxiety out.



You've got great insight into the problem, what it is and what causes it, so now you just need to implement an effective solution.

What an excellent idea! I am NT ~ working in a doctors office, I have experienced many different people with many different diagnosis ~ I can typically tell if someone has "something going on" but frequently it isn't a problem for me. I find that most people react positively to being treated with respect and kindness ~ I understand that even if they can't engage me directly, they appreciate being treated like everyone else. Having said that, I have a question for Aspies ~ specifically, adults ~

My daughter has met a gentleman, 22, Aspie, who seems very much like an average guy ~ however, we have some concerns about him (there is a considerable age difference) and I'm trying to discern whether the things we are concerned about are Aspie traits or just who he is.

Here are a few things I have noticed and have learned from your site in the last 24 hours! 1 - He is brutally honest. 2 - He seems to have issues with being controlled in any way ~ well, not us controlling him, but having specific rules for our daughter which he must then abide by. 3 - He is very high energy ~ Aspie trait? ADHD? just him? 4 - repeats conversation topics a lot!! 5 - Seems to enjoy "pushing people's buttons" embarrasing them and the like, even making people mad. I guess this is a good start ~ looking forward to your responses ~~ Thank you all so much ~

Why are you concerned? Will it change things?

Look, if this worries you because these are bad signs to NTs, I wouldn't worry. But if it worries you because you and your daughter don't want to deal with her SO being that way, the frequency of the same traits occurring in the autistic population is irrelevant. You have no obligation to not be bothered by something because it's normal for Aspies, no more than I have any obligation to not be bothered by NTs just being NTs.

Actually, I'm just trying to wrap my brain around a new situation ~ I handle things best when I understand them. Sorry to bother you.

Part of it may be Aspie, but in any case, it is who he is. The real question is whether your daughter wishes to be subject to his personality for an extended period of time. While everyone is capable of some change, the basic fundamentals of personality rarely change, so, Aspie or not, this is who he is, and the question is whether they're compatible. Only your daughter can answer that.

I have a question for any NT's out there. We widely know that people with ASD tend to speak without thinking and can come across as a jerk without meaning it.
Knowing what you know now about ASD, do you think twice before calling someone a jerk wither it's to their face or behind their back?

Maybe I'm not really explaining my thoughts very well ~ my daughter and he get along fine ~ they seem to understand eachother and dont seem to have a lot of issues. It's other members of my family that are having difficulty in dealing with the relationship ~ for a myriad of reasons ~ the reason I wanted to know which traits are Aspie vs just who he is ~ is that, well, lets put it like this ~ your expectations are different. For example, you wouldn't ask a person who cannot see at all to read you a magazine article ~ you wouldn't expect them to be able to (assuming it is not in Braille). I actually had the opportunity to talk to his mom yesterday but I still didn't get the answers I'm searching for, perhaps I'm looking for answers to questions where there are no answers.

Chibi ~ as you can see, I'm an Emu Egg (whatever the heck that means) ~ I was not aware that the blunt/ brutally honest thing was an Aspie trait 72 hours ago ~ so I can't say that I wouldnt be offended or put off by that ~ I'm still learning.....

Not bothered at all, so don't apologize.

1 is very common among Aspies. 2 seems to be more common than average. 3 isn't particularly common. 4 is nothing I've ever heard of unless you mean there are a few things he's way interested in and talks about all the time, in which case it's very common. 5 is not common at all, but only if you're correct that he's doing it on purpose. Appearing like that but doing it by accident is near-universal.

Thanks, guys ~ I'll keep reading