First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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I do this. Probable Aspie here.

I actually do this BEFORE social events as well, like try to play out in my head what I think might happen and how I will react. Then after I compare my idealized thoughts of what MIGHT happen with what actually did. If I was an ass (as usually happens in some capacity) I worry over it for a while. And yes, I do try to learn not to do those things again but it's hard not to. It's like my brain just wants to keep trying to do the same stupid things. Takes a long time for me to get out of bad habits.

Probable Aspie

Yes, in fact I can't keep from doing it. Key events just flash into my mind. It takes some effort not to keep flashing on possible mistakes, sometimes months or years later. It is very helpful, but it can also be a burden. It is not helpful to constantly remember things that cannot be fixed.

I have a friend who has been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and while I haven't been officially diagnosed with Aspergers my youngest sister has and my whole family has exhibited moments of being socially odd so a diagnosis wouldn't suprise me. That said, she and I often go to the same parties/gatherings and I will usually ride home with her and we spend most of the ride home going over the evening and replaying the events as we saw them. When I used to drink way too much way too often I would send text messages to friends the next day trying to piece together the night before. I don't miss that.

I go over things I've learned at the end of a day, and try and sort through them, seeing what insight I can gather. Everything I say and do gets feedback, and this is how we learn. I think this is more of an Aspie thing, because most people are too busy doing cool things like watching football and drinking beer to reflect on themselves.

Hehe, I ask my girlfriend what I did wrong and what I need to improve. She always tells me, though sometimes she feels embarrased because of me due to some comments I make. For example: one of her friends was telling us the story of how a man (a stranger) invited her to spend a weekend with him at an hotel. Well, first thing I thought was "be careful he might put a drug in your drink and abuse you". My girl freaked out, but her friend said I was right and those things.

Anyways, that's just a simple example. The truth is, there are certain things we analyze after social meetings with others that I cannot change because it's the way I am. I may slightly change the words I use, perhaps even just shut up; but I cannot stop thinking of things NTs don't think about, for example little details hidden in the minds of other NTs.

Usually the questions I ask my girlfriend are: "was everything fine?", "anything you want to point out and that I care about? lol" I am really worried cause I actually want to be able to just have fun like the rest, but the truth is, when I try it's so fake...

but yeah, it's because we want to improve, not a bad thing, all is positive if seen from the proper perspective

Love to all

My nephew has AS I am an NT. I just wanted to know if any of you could give me some advice. He is 23 and still living at home, has never had a sexual relationship and has been pretty much sheltered most of his life. It is time that he learn to live in the real world. Are there places for young adults to live with other Aspies, what do any of you recommend that you have experienced in you lives that might help?

hi Leise. My mother solved that problem about me by sending me to another country through an exchange program. New language, new life, new everything. I rejected it with all my power, but then I realized it was the best to make me grow. But also remember each Aspie is a different world. I was 16 when this happened, but sometimes I believe it doesn't matter whether we talk about an Aspie or an NT, someone has to make a decision and make it happen. Have you tried to have a talk with him? Maybe he will understand and create a plan with you, OR maybe he will tell you he is fine, which means you will ahve to make a hard decision against his will.

There are places that help aspies with social activities, recreation, and meeting people to go do stuff for fun. But depends where you live. There is not a place where you can send your young adult for months in order to get therapy.
If he has one friend, a close one, it would be an option to tlak to that friend to see if he/she is willing to help.

I hope this helps, and I am sure other aspies will provide their opinions soon!

I also found this a good solution for me- to move abroad. I think it is easier for Aspies to live in a culture where they are inherently different and allowed mistakes due to cultural differences and misunderstandings.

I found it very hard to leave the comfort of my family home until I basically became so depressed with feeling stuck there that I forced myself out. I was 26. I thought I should have gone away to college at 18, but was nowhere near ready then.

Aspies tend to take longer than NTs to "grow up." So just be nurturing and kind and allow that.

I'm gonna second the idea of traveling abroad. While it may be difficult, I feel like travel really helped me to become more independent. I went to Japan and lived with a host family for a year, while taking classes. Getting along with them was hard, but I think the overall experience was valuable. Also, since I was obviously not from Japan, people were much more likely to cut me some slack and not expect me to know every little detail. Little oddities were excused and they were much more patient with me than they normally would have been, I think. In addition, I've also found it easier to speak with non-native English speakers and in a language that isn't my own. I don't know if this would be the case for everyone, but it certainly is/was for me.

For the record, this is coming from someone who has ADHD and probably mild AS.

sorry if someone's already asked this, but i havent read all 80 ish pages of this thread yet - im an aspie in a uk secondary school (all girls), and i havent told anyone, but theyve noticed im different anyway and some of my freinds have been saying that ive been attracting my friendship group unwelcome attention by asking questions about my special interests (school related, just a little further up the curriculum). I dont have a problem with social labels, but theyve been getting really upset about it (i cant get the subtle hints, but theyve spent a couple of lunchtimes talking to me in detail which i really appreciate) and asking me to 'stop being weird'. I CAN act like an NT when i want to, but not for very long, as it stresses me out (when i get stressed i walk in circles, sit in corners and rock backwards and forwards, or headbang, all of which gets me labelled as 'weird' again and compounds the problem with my friends), and I dont know what to do. Should i tell them i am an aspie? I have no idea how NT teenage girls would respond, and i'm afraid they might just give up on me for fear of the unknown. i would hate that, i am learning so much about NT society just by being able to communicate with them - after just 6 months I managed to 'nail' eye contact, and my use of NT phrases is getting better and better Also, i love them as people, and I would hate to lose their friendship.
So basically, can anyone tell me how they might respond, and whether or not i should tell them im an aspie? Any help would be much appreciated.

Ask your mother whether it would be wise to tell any of your friends or not. I am an American and the culture here is "tell all", meaning that people are expected to tell each other many personal things. This might be entirely different in the UK. If you were American, I'd advise you to tell your closest friend. But since you are in the UK and the culture is different, I advise you to ask your Mother because she will know what the local social rules are.

I've read that people share and ask for less personal information in the UK than in the US.

Hi, I'm new here...
A Question for Aspies (maybe for NT with Aspie family members too) - read on....

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. For a long time, I’ve always thought he was “different” but just accepted it as part of his personality. But we’ve always had so many problems that I’ve searched for something I could name that would help me understand him better. Some of his family members have OCD, anxiety, and perfection issues, respectively, but I never thought that those were his problem—he just always seemed to have a problem with “people” as well as some anger management issues—but his anger always seemed to be expressed at little things and not big things and at the wrong level.

Five months ago, I came across a description of sensory issues and sensory processing disorder, and I thought “this is it,” this explains him so much. I read that many autistic kids have sensory issues, but didn’t think much of it at the time. After I read him a huge list of sensory issues, he agreed that he felt most of them all very strongly—more than I realized. He seemed to accept this new revelation about himself (that we could give it a name)—and was probably surprised this wasn’t obvious to me. He’d always been a little weird about people touching him, and not liking tags on his shirts, but I had never thought about it before. Of course, he liked the idea that he could hear and see "better" that everyone else.

Anyway, after all that, something was still bothering me. So I looked up more, and came across Asperger’s. I had never heard of it before—maybe the word, but not what it really is. It was confusing at first, but after I got some books and read about a couple’s story—the husband had Asperger’s—I thought, “That’s him” and “That’s us!” So for several months I stewed over it and talked to his family (they were supportive) and tried to figure out how I’d talk to him. (I have a hard time talking to my husband about anything substantial because I always seem to be blamed or at fault for something. I usualy feel better if I don't talk to him about my problems than if I do.)

I finally did talk to him about Asperger’s a few days ago, and it didn’t go over well (bad timing on my part). Then I wrote him an e-mail explanation which he did not respond to. I asked him later that night what he thought of my e-mail and he said “well, now I know how I think, so I can fix it.” (I probably said two sentences in the e-mail about how people with Asperger’s think) I explained to him you can’t “fix it” exactly, and went into more detail about the social problems I see him having, and how he’s so “black and white” compared to everyone else. He told me all of that is because “he doesn’t like people wasting his time.” I told him how many kids with Asperger’s are bullied (he was teased and picked on a lot in middle school) and he explained it was just because he didn’t have the right clothes and haircut. (If it was that simple, why would have carried the scars of that bullying for 10 years?) He had also told me long ago, it was because of the teasing that, about when he started high school, he decided that he didn’t care what people thought, he would be whatever he wanted and act however he wanted—he would like himself, it didn’t matter what anyway else thought of him.

Anyway, during that recent conversation about Asperger’s, he didn’t want to talk about himself, and made the rest of the conversation about my feelings, because that’s what he thought I wanted to talk about. He simplified everything and said that the reason he never lets me talk about my feelings is because I always talk to him at the wrong time of day (or month). So he made a rule (it was a rule, not a suggestion) about when I could talk to him about my feelings. And then he said he was happy I am finally explaining to him how I feel in a clear way. I explained that this is because of what I read about Asperger’s, I know I have to talk to him “straight” and not in the way I have before—and he didn’t really want to hear that.

So, my question is for those Aspies especially who were diagnosed as teenagers or adults. Is it possible that my husband has Asperger’s and is in denial? That the reasons he’s always given himself for his problems and annoyance with people helped him cope and not be in despair about himself as a person? That he can’t give up those reasons right away, or it would be self-destructive…. Do I need to give him more time to think about Asperger’s?

Or do I need to give up, and accept his simplified answers? (for everything, ugh) He does always make sense logically. It's hard to argue with him, and he usually is right.

(Lol, he would hate these questions, because he hates either/or questions. He always answers “yes” to them )

I’m just sick of being hurt trying to help him and our relationship. He tells me I push too hard—I think I’m being “normal” and stopped nagging long ago in our marriage b/c it never worked. I can cope with the way things are, if there’s no hope for anything better. But seeing a light in the tunnel has gotten me to the point where there may be hope. I don’t know whether to keep that hope alive or “kill it” for my own sanity. I know people out there can’t diagnose him, but I just need some guidance, and I need to vent, again for my own sanity. Thanks for listening.

wrongwife (too much to quote), it is entirely possible your husband is in denial. many aspies see the condition as negative (even though i find the positives outweigh the negatives), especially if they dont know/want to know much about what it is. i think it would be best if you gave him some time to think over whether or not he's an aspie - i mean, it might not matter to him, having a label wont change who he is, but if it helps you, then talk to him about it in a while? perhaps show him wrong planet?
im not really a good person to give advice, but i hope that helps anyway

Questions28, Thank you for the reply. What you say makes sense. I just need to calm down and give him more time. I think this website would be a good one for him to look at eventually. (I've read quite a bit on it and it's very helpful for me too.)

I have a couple of reasons for wanting him to pursue a diagnosis. 1) It would validate I/we are on the right track if we continue to learn more about it. 2) It would tell me that I haven't been going crazy 3) It would help us both understand that we communicate differently and we need to think about what the other person needs in a different way. (I realized today my husband has probably never formulated an "I feel [insert emotion here]" statement. It's always about what other people are doing. I've learned to figure out what he's feeling, but it's still hard sometimes.

I also realized he probably still doesn't know what the heck I'm talking about. I've read bits about Asperger's for 2 months, he just heard of it a few days ago. He actually asked me for a list (like I had with the sensory issues) but I told him I couldn't give him one, since it's hard for to explain what I've read. (I also think that for someone who is undiagnosed to read the "symptoms" of Asperger's, it would seem like someone is just trying to tell them how horrible they are. All the descriptions I've read are negative)

So....I have another request for Aspies. Could you list characteristics of Asperger's (from your perspective) for someone that wants to know more about it and if they have it? I think if he read information from people with AS that would be a lot more meaningful than something from a book by a NT.

If anybody still would like to comment on my previous post, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

You DO NOT WANT a diagnosis!!

Anyway, how have you been explaining it? Have you been talking about problems it causes? Presenting it negatively might make anyone not believe it fits them if they have any reasonable amount of self-esteem. And most NTs do end up talking about it as a bunch of flaws.

Or maybe it's for some other reason. Maybe he doesn't like the label for some reason, or maybe he actually doesn't think it applies to him.