First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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From what you said, I would not be surprised if your husband was an Aspie and in denial, but I can't say more than that.

Try not to get too worked up over getting your husband a diagnosis. If he does not want to accept it, there is not much you can do. Also, getting a formal diagnosis can be very difficult.

I'm not 100% sure that I am an Aspie, but I think that I am.

One problem that I have is social awareness. It took a very long time for me to realize that people reacted very strongly to the way that I looked and acted. I had numerous habits that made people very uncomfortable, and I really could not understand why it bothered them. Since I could not understand this, I could not motivate myself to change. It took me a long time to realize that it was sufficient that my habits did bother them. I did not need to understand why it bothered them. They found my habits annoying; that was enough.

I find most people extremely unpredictable. When I say things that might be somewhat controversial, I have no idea how they will react. I seem to lack the instinct that tells NTs that this is the wrong thing to say to this person, so I have to be very careful about what I say.

I am unable to socialize. People simply do not want me around. I am left out of most things. I do not know why I am neglected or ignored. I only know that it happens.

My other major problem is in my tendency to obsess over things. I find something that interests me, and then I cannot remove it from my mind. It makes it extremely difficult to think about anything else, because my primary interest intrudes on my thoughts constantly. When I am not thinking about my special interest, I feel like something is missing from my life.

Since you capitalized letters, you must feel very strongly about it, but didn't explain why. Can you explain why? If it's better not to get a diagnosis for some reason, I'd like to know.


I think I was typing my latter post, when you wrote your post--but when I explained it, I probably explained it negatively. I didn't really know how else to. I also tried to explain situations, like the other day, he was asking me a "yes or no" question and I said "I don't care." That made him mad I think because he didn't know what that meant--whether that was actually "yes" or "no"--to me it meant "No." I told him that I thought other people probably wouldn't be bothered by the fact that I said "I don't care," but someone with Asperger's might. He told me he was just mad because I was wasting his time.

He doesn't like labels, though I think that's my fault. Halfway through our dating relationship (8 years ago) I thought he might have ADHD (because I didn't know why he was the way he was) and told him about it, and he seemed halfway interested in it, except the kid that picked on him the most in school had ADHD. I later dropped it because it didn't really fit, and he was probably annoyed with me because of all of that. I'm sure he thinks I have a need to diagnose and label him which is partially true, and a big reason why he should get a formal diagnosis, so it's not just me. It's just that everything I read about Asperger's, now I can say "Oh, I understand that, and that, and that now about things he does"--stuff that never made sense to me before.

Okay, well, first of all, diagnosis for adults is hard to come by and expensive. But even so, you wouldn't want one because sometimes there's discrimination. Like... do you guys have kids or ever want them? Because if so, one call to CPS might not mean that ANY family would lose their children without due process, but with a diagnosis of Asperger's... Oh, and he'd then be barred from military service. I mean, maybe he doesn't want to be in the military, but... having that door shut forever isn't necessarily a desirable state of affairs.

So it can get you in trouble.

Well, many of us are quite proud to be Aspies and don't actually consider it negative. Special interests (obsessions) generally result in becoming an expert about something, not to mention how fun they are!! Some of us can perceive things slightly better or faster than NTs-- little details that stick out or are wrong. Some of us perceive those a little faster or more reliably. I ran a poll asking people if they were in favor of a cure and the only group that was more in favor than against was NTs, so make of that what you will.

Okay, here's an extensive collection of links. You don't have to read all of them all the way through, but all of them have value and might help you to understand, even if they're not specifically about this.

http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com/46713.html
http://www.existenceiswonderful.com/200 ... utism.html
http://www.existenceiswonderful.com/200 ... -open.html
http://www.autistics.org/library/http:/ ... g/library/
http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/?p=510
http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/?p=562
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc

I don't to do very well in judging people when they aren't confortable with what I'm saying. For expample I was takling about death with someone and the person sitting next to us had, unknown to me, lost his father and step father, and was very uncomfortable but I didn't reconise this when others did.

What should I look out for?

I still am poor at recognizing how uncomfortable other people are in time to actually stop myself in a conversation, so I am probably not the ideal person to give advice. However what I look for most of all is sudden change in behavior, particularly in the following areas:

number of times they readjust their seating position
can't decide where keep their hands
how often they contribute to the conversation
number of times someone touches their face
increased stutter or use of gap filling words when they talk
change in tone or volume of voice (quieter, softer and slower speech for uncomfortable)
amount of eye contact with you, or eye contact with someone else when you are speaking
(if one person makes no eye contact when you speak and others make an abnormally high amount or turn to look at you in a faster motion than usually it's particularly bad)

Also the entire group will start to become uncomfortable or frustrated, as soon as they realize the first person has. So usually you can get away with watching the person you know the best for abnormal behavior, as you watch the same people for a long time it gets a lot easier and faster to pick up on smaller changes.

it's a double edged sword though, it's very tiring to constantly watch for and you can end up a little paranoid.

Thanks. Now I look back the person didn't join in the conversation, made no eye contact and did fidget in their seat alot. The perosn I wad takling to said they did try to change the subject but I didn't really pick up on that. One thing though, why does someone touching their face mean their uncomfortable or upset?

Thanks thou I will try and remember your points. I hate the thought that I may have upset him.

I have found that people tend to touch or cover part of their face with their hand when they are trying to hide something from you, especially when they are having problems hiding their own emotions. It's not specific to negative emotions though, the most obvious example is when they are trying to trick you and holding themselves back from laughing.

I always thought of it as people's way of trying to check what their face was doing, ensuring that it is not betraying them and showing you an emotion that they did not want it to.

I hate upsetting people by accident too, the guilt of it.

How do I convince an aspie guy that I don't need anything from him but would do anything for him when he thinks a relationship means having to be trapped and overwhelmed when it would be just the opposite with me? He mistook a lot of things I was doing for him to be things I was doing for my own benefit or to control him. ...it seems to be his only fear in getting back together and has been the problem all along. So, now that I know the problem, I'll do anything to fix it.

Awesome thread here, Greentea! When I first read the name of it, I actually thought it was going to be about a phone number you can call (when I read the word hotline)

My question for NTs is why do you make judgements and expectations of people based on a number (age) and not on their maturity?


Alot of people have made me feel really bad because they had expectations of me that I wasn't ready to meet. i.e. " You're ___ years old so you should ______"

I have a dear friend on here that has a delemia so I am going to post it without naming any names
He is an NT and he fell in love with a male aspie who seems to be having some commitment issues. His aspie lover sticks around for a bit but then runs off for a few weeks and then comes back and it seems anytime they start to have any kind of emotional intimacy, his aspie lover takes off for a few weeks. I keep telling him that he is obviously not ready for a relationship, but since this is a NT/AS relationship, I was wondering what your take on this is. He feels like he is the "one" that can heal his lover's heart. I am thinking that he is wasting his time and allowing his heart to be broken. My friend seems to be cutting him more slack because he is an aspie, but I dont think, aspie or not, that he should put up with this. In your experience is this a normal aspie behavior? And if not, How can I better explain to my friend that his lover is not going to be who he wants him to be? I know this is more of a relationship question than a NT/AS question but since this is a NT/AS relationship problem, I was wondering if you could help me make more sense of it, so I can better help him.

I don't know if I'm asking as a neurotypical or an aspergers, but I *am* addressing it to neurotypicals.

I've always felt like I had difficulty in managing my facial expressions when interacting with others. Over the years, it's like I had to unintuitively learn through the school of hard knocks the social rule of "Don't stare", and so about after 20 seconds or so, or whenever the person deflects their head, I avert my gaze. And this isn't something that's particularly intuitive. Is it supposed to be?

A question to NT women (with AS partner obviously)

My NT partner of many years is failing under the ongoing onslaught of my AS'ness

What has your AS partner learnt that made a difference to your relationship - all positive input appreciated.

I am the last person who should give relationship advice to anyone, but for what it is worth:

You might try not helping, even if they seem to need it. The line between needing help and just having your own way of doing things can be blurry.

Beyond that getting helped is often difficult and frustrating, more often then not i wish i did not have to. It requires allot of explanation and compromise, neither of which are the strongest aspie skills. Yet people often seem to associate rejecting their help and rejecting them as the same thing. So when they offer help, you are forced to either accept help or insult them, this can be a trapping choice. Just being given time and space to do your own thing your way, without really needing to explain is very valuable.

From the way you word your post, you seem to value being able to help people. I'm not saying being able to accept help is not possible, or never wanted, just that it can be a really hard thing to do.

Hi eagleye,

I've been with my partner for 4 years now, and I'd had to ask her some of the things she things she has learned. One thing I think she'd say though, is that she's learned sometimes I act "oddly" but it's not personal. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm in a certain mood, but it doesn't mean she's done something wrong.

What I've learned, is that communication is so so so important! I have to be able to think through how I'm feeling and why I'm acting in a certain way, and she has to tell me how she's feeling about something or understanding something, without us accusing each other. It works well! I think we have some really open communication.

I hope this helps!

Hi everyone,

I have a question for people with AS/Autism and hope this is the right place for it. I have a partner with Autism, and I'm trying to help other NT friends and family get a better grasp on the Culture of Autism. I have lots of questions, but I think what I really want to know is, if there was one thing you would like an NT to know about AS/Autism, what would it be?

Thank you!!

i suspect it will differ from individual to individual, but I'd have to say that just because aspies think a little differently to NTs, it doesnt make us any worse or better. We are still people