First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Thank you, Questions28!

I'm curious about what I am "missing out on" when it comes to interpersonal exchanges? I would by all accounts be considered deficient in my social interactions, but really... what elusive "something" do I not get? I understand the function of these exchanges... sit around and chatter and we all feel good about ourselves and the world. Bonobos sit around and chatter and do other *interesting* things as well as squirrels, etc., but I don't feel that I am missing out on the mental life of a bonobo.

Feeling a little cynical today.

I am truly trying to understand what I am lacking by being the way I am, but honestly I more or less feel like I have better things to do with my time. I think I am happier when I don't have to fill the void that other people feel in themselves with the contents of my own soul.

Well, I'm not sure if I'm NT, but this is what I think about your question:

Basically, maturity is hard to estimate. An example: A student is good at school, does their work orderly and finishes it on time and appears as a very responsible person. So their teachers think they must be very mature, at least when it comes to (school) work. But in fact the student lacks work organization, is overly conscientious and is bad at distinguishing necessary from unnecessary work, so they often spend the whole afternoon doing homework. Their parents know this, so they realize their son/daughter actually lacks some maturity when it comes to (school) work. The teachers only see the good results, they can't see how much effort it takes the student to achieve them. This example (which is loosely based on my own life) shows that to assess someone's maturity, you need to know them very well and in different kinds of situations (e.g. at school and at home).
But you sometimes have to make a guess at what someone is able or unable to do without knowing them well enough to know their maturity. In situations like that, you can use their age to make an educated guess.

Another reason might be that people who expect you to do something because you have a certain age might think that measuring you by other standards than the ones they usually measure people by might hurt your feelings and make you feel incompetent.

I hope I understood your question and my answer is somewhat helpful.

I also value my personal time but do enjoy time with my closest friends. We laugh together which makes me happier and share out deep feelings. When I have a true friend give me her undivided attention and let me unload my feelings I am so thankful. I do the same for them. But as a mostly NT, I only see them every couple of months. Otherwise it is chit chat that I just do to be polite. I could do without that. Most of the time I am with my kids and Aspie husband.

Thanks for your reply RainbowCelt. I agree that communication is the key. My partner and I communicate effectively most of the time but still have regular miscommunication that causes our major problems. Either I say something that I believe is clear and complete - it always seems so to me at the time - only to find out after an argument that i was imprecise (how the hell did that happen ?).
OR my partner will say something that she believes cannot be misunderstood by me - i find more than one option in her statement and try to query it. After many years of me (and only being diagnosed in the last month) she has no patience left and is quick to anger ( how can i not get it ? -she thinks).

My counsellor has said we need to work on our communication , i beleive what is more important right now is "the rules of engagement". Once we do get into trouble we need an agreed "Switzerland" , neutral ground or agreed rules to sort it out. It's been too long and too painfull to easily work this out. What do other couples do ?

HELP!!

Question for NT's:

Why is it more appropriate to gossip and be sociable even at a Shiva (like a wake) than to look sad and not talk to anyone? At a funeral I would think the latter would be more appropriate. At a funeral I went to recently my family was saying bad things about people not coming (I don't know how to express that in a more sophisticated way). Everyone was talking to each other about who came and who didn't ...which seems to me really inappropriate (it should be the death that matters not who came to the funeral , who came to the funeral but not the Shiva, who didn't come etc.). People even talked about how people had changed their hair, clothes etc. .....making fun of them!

First of all what motivates people to talk about others in their own family behind their backs (in a negative way) in general?

Why is this appropriate behaviour at a funeral? Why is not talking inappropriate?

Is this typical among NT couples? Miscommunication problems and the tendency to see more than one possible interpretation and not being able to deduce which one is intended?

Just curious, because this seems to happen to me A LOT.

My special interest is race cars and I often wear a t shirt with my fav driver/team on it etc. This often leads to guys who are also intersted in cars approching me and starting a conversation.

Like most on hear I could probably talk about my speical inetrest for hours but why when I do this does the guy more often than not (and other NT) think I have some romanatic interest in them? It maskes me evene more nerevous than I already am of talking to anyone, espically guys!

I agree absolutely. It has been too long for my husband and I as well. He has just been diagnosed Aspie. We have been together 10+ years. The diagnosis explains so much to me, but he is still coming to terms with all of this. Communication has been a nightmare. Worse once we had kids and more life pressures on us. We are seeing a psychologist to try and work through the issues, however, I am not sure how open my husband is to really applying the techniques we learn. He is the one that is quick to anger. He suffers from anxiety and depression as well so this just complicates things. I wish my husband would get onto this website, but I don't think it will ever happen. Ultimately it takes two to work through things. I can understand the anger, but at the end of the day, we all have to put this behind us and move forward to make the best of our lives.

I think the answer, at least in part, to these 2 questions are related and huntedman hit on it. I have found that my DH, who I think has more than a few Aspie traits, doesn't really like to be helped or to ask for help. What I have learned that helps me in my relationship with him is just what huntedman said - I try not to take his rejection of my offers to help personally. If I see a situation where I think I could help, I offer but if it isn't accepted, I just say OK, let me know if there's anything I can do (although I guess that's what I've learned not what he's learned, still it does help).

BUMP

Some of them will think that. Not all of them, but some of them. They will eventually figure out that you don't (asuming that you don't). How long it takes them to figure it out will vary from man to man.

I dont thinkits just a man thing. I spent about 30 mins at a place I used to work at, talking with a guy about race cars and it was the other girls that asumed I had a romantic interested in him. I would of chatted to them exactly the same if they were inetrested.

Very confusing!

Question to NTs: If you worked out that someone had AS or suspected it would you treat them differently or say something to them or even ask them directly?

Would you mention it to anyone else?

I wouldn't say anything to them or anyone else. I'd keep my suspicion to myself.

Would I treat them differently? I might. It depends on how our past interactions had gone. I would go through my memory to analyze past interactions. Did we interact awkwardly? Did they say something that made me angry? Why was I angry? Did we miscommunicate? Did I say something that they didn't understand or that made them angry and I didn't know why? If I found a pattern in our past interactions that could be explained by them having Aspergers, I would attempt to change my interaction style and see if that helped. Perhaps I would take innuendos, double entendres or veiled meanings out of my speech with them and see if that helped.

I don't use innuendos, double entendres or veiled meanings on WP. I am carefully very explicit in what I say. But in real life conversations I do all the time. If I had had difficulties communicating with someone I later suspectd to have AS, that's something I would change with them.

This is kind of how I understand body language settings related to conversation

Trying to avoid a monologue often involves frequent checking wither the other person is still interested in the conversation, NT people can sense that you are doing this. I think NT people only work to maintain interest as consciously when they are talking to people they have a specific interest in. If you seem nervous at all it will reinforce the idea that you are placing too much importance on the conversation.

You might try starting with a over the top obsessive, factual monologue about the topic, as if they are not there, then work back to more normal conversation. trying to establish that the topic is important, and who they are is somewhat irrelevant. It's also like declaring at the start that you aren't good at holding a conversation, so that people read less into mistakes or the effort you put into keeping the conversation going. More people will get bored with the conversation and leave, but that is kind of the point.

If girls at the other end of the bar think the same thing it might be how excited you get the topic as well. Standing further away or leaning back and slowing the rate of conversation may help. Sitting or standing to face a the rest of the bar and periodically scanning the various other people. The further you face away from the person you are talking to and the more you watch other people, the more you are saying that the conversation is not worth your attention.

I doubt any of this will solve your problem, but some might help. It also could be terrible advice, I don't really understand conversation properly either so keep that in mind.

Last edited by huntedman on 18 Mar 2011, 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.