First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Question for an NT:

When you make a request of somebody, how can you make sure that the person will only do what you ask if they want to do it, and say no if they don't, instead of feeling forced to do it and getting resentful because they think you're manipulating them?

I've had this problem a couple of times, and I'm not happy about it because I want people to say "no" if they can't, but sometimes it seems like they can't figure out how to say "no" and still be nice. Apparently there's some kind of trick to leaving them a way out that I haven't got the hang of.

1. What exactly do you feel when you make eye contact with someone?
Like my mind has been penetrated by an invisible lazer. Of course this does depend on who it is.

2. Specifically, what sorts of nonverbal expressions do you have trouble with using/understanding?
Eye contact, or reading emotion using eyes (I’m much better at body language), “social masks”

3. What is your sense of humor like? What sorts of things do you find funny? Do you laugh when you find something humorous or just keep it all inside?
A mix of sarcastic, dark and silly and I can also find seriousness in comedy and comedy in serious situations. I get the giggles a lot over one thing someone said, so for ages I could be sniggering randomly and no one knows what’s funny.


4. Do you like reading? If so, what sorts of literature are you into?
Yeah I love reading. I like fiction the most especially “chick-lits” or anything with a semi-realistic story line (so not fantasy). I am starting to read mangas too, I like the drawings.

5. Have you ever had a date? If so, describe the experience. (optional)
Not really. I’ve had things that started as friendly and became a “date”, I went shopping with a boy mate and then we ended up kissing he was crap btw. But no actual dates.


6. Do you have any Aspie friends? Do you have any Neurotypical friends? Under which category do you find the person/people you can count on the most?
I have friends both aspie and NT. I don’t want to sound biased but I prefer my aspie friends because I like their sense of humours and they’re easier to read.

6. Do you have a "topic of extreme focus"? If so, what is it and how long have you had this special interest?
At the moment it’s dreams, and always has been since I started remembering my dreams, about age 4. And also the internet is one of my recent ones, I’ve become a right nerd lol. And also mythical creatures and anything mystical, that's one of my life long ones.

I read it and replied. Sorry for the delay. It never occured to me that I would have anything in my inbox so I never looked in it until you posted this.

Interesting question. I'm not sure real happiness can ever be achieved. Even when an NT is aware of the AS condition and tries to understand, so many new obstacles come up and it continues to get difficult. I think an NT is able to be more flexible and changeable in relationships to accommodate an AS person but eventually you hit the wall.

Example: I'm currently going into 7 weeks that I haven't heard from my AS friend. He stopped communication with me suddenly after getting a new job. I've sent plenty of emails and he hasn't taken the time to respond even once. While the AS community seems to understand this and think it's not a big deal, the NT's I know understand how I feel. I'm not sure I'll ever recover from this and not sure the friendship will ever be the same if he does come back. I'd have to overcome the feelings of abandonment and be very forgiving.

Misunderstandings will always be there.

I am evidentally a natspie, half NT, half aspie, so I don't know which side this response counts from. I have had my feelings badly wounded by people, particularly women, when I tried to explain something to them that they already knew, so I don't attempt to explain things to people unless they VERY OBVIOUSLY need to know, or unless they ask me. As for when people explain to me something I already know, I have little patience for this, but I also hate it when I offend another, so I look for ways to make it appearant that I already know this, like finishing his sentences for him, or telling him what his next point will be so it is appearant to him that I already know, but I have allowed him to read between the lines with me, and reach the conclusion that I know already, himself.

I have one for the NTs again:

When should I put on a veneer to be "normal", and when should I express my real emotions and interests? How do you judge which people will find your real self acceptable and which people will just reject you?

I think the veneer is most important at work. This is so critical that it's pretty common among NTs too, unless the job is one where eccentricity is allowed ( a hippie foood co-op? doing movie special effects? there must be some).

Let your real self out only once you know people pretty well. You can judge whether they will accept or reject your real self based on things they say about other people or other groups of people. Do they seem put off by other peoples' eccentricities? Or do they find them fascinating? If they say negative things about other peoples' eccentricities, you had better keep your own eccentricities to yourself. If they seem to like a wide range of things and are friends with a wide range of people and seem ok with other peoples' quirks, it will more likely be safe to reveal your own.

Be aware that even if you find a trusted co-worker or two embraces quirkiness and accepts you for who you are, you still have to keep the veneer up at work. You can only let your real self out with them after work unless you work in a field where quirky and eccentric is ok.

Thanks! This was useful. One thing though



I have actually had someone ask me 'What are some of your weird habits?' then when I said I collected insects (only dead ones, I don't harm or kill live ones) they reacted to me like I said I raped children.

Seems a certain small amount of eccentricity is ok, but anything outside of that is not.

First of all - thank you to everyone who took the time to answer my questions.

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I've also experienced this in the past also, and I believe that the answer lies in the foundation of honesty of the relationship in question.

When I meet people, I take the time to ensure that I'm being honest with them and try to make them aware that I'm not the type to hold back my opinion out of courtesy. When friends of mine invite me to an outing that I don't find to be fun or ask me for something that would hurt me to part with (ie. money), I politely decline and give them solid, honest reasons why I'm unable to adhere to their request.

Then, when the tables are turned and I'm the one giving out the invitations, I make sure to let them know that it's completely fine if they don't want to do something as long as they tell me and that there are always opportunities for different activities. The same goes for requests for help - just let them know along with the invitation that you don't want to impose upon them and that it is their choice whether to help you or not.

Note: Some people are uncomfortable with saying that they would rather not accept an invitation and will just ignore it leaving you waiting for an answer. This is unavoidable.

I hope this answers your question - it's 2:00AM where I live and my cognition isn't the greatest. lol

--R

And yet I bet these same people would think there was nothing wrong with a display cabinet of collected insects in the Natural History Museum.

Presentation is everything. Lots of people find the concept of insects to be icky but find the concept of science to be respectable and admirable. If you say "I am interested in entymology and collect insect specimens" that puts it into the "respectable science" category. If they don't know what "entymology" means, that puts it very firmly in the "respectable science" category when you explain what the word means.

That's invaluable insight, Janissy. I so totally suck at presentation! And this is because I lack ToM (insight into the mind of the average NT). It would've never occurred to me to emphasize the science instead of the insect. I'm making a note to remember this always, because I think it's a crucial point.

I think maybe they would have reacted better if you had brought it up in the context of "weird hobbies" rather than "weird habits". I hobby implies that you enjoy classifying/studying insects. A habit gives the impression that you just compulsively pick up dead insects whenever you see them. I think it might just be a matter of ignorance. If they've never seen a real insect collection they get the wrong picture in their mind.

Thanks Marshall and Janissy. The idea that people see things differently if you present it as science rather than just a random behaviour honestly hadn't occurred to me.

I'm guessing the main issue was that they were describing habits they do compulsively and then you described an activity that's more of a hobby than a habit.

I've have the same kind of thing happen to me on regular occasions. I'll use the wrong word for something, misinterpret a question, or just feel like I'm unable to explain myself. I'll say something and then the other person will give me a weird quizzical look or simply not respond. Then I immediately go into this damage-control mode where I feverishly try to explain what I really meant in multiple ways. Then they're like "okay, okay..." and change the subject.

I do that too. I think in pictures or abstract 'resonance' a lot of the time, so when I have to describe something verbally, I can be a bit messy at translating from visual or abstract to verbal.

Awesome! I have never head anyone else say that they have to translate from visual to verbal. I struggle with this, a lot. I find it easier to do this in writing, than in speaking, though.