Abused by those with BPD

Page 9 of 10 [ 159 posts ] Go to page Previous 1 ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 Next

fraac
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Mar 2011
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,865

29 Dec 2011, 6:10 pm

Ha! I was just woken up by my mum yammering on about my bed being uneven. The light and television were on, it was obvious I had just passed out and the correct motherly thing would've been to turn off the light and television, but instead she hates that the bed has slightly collapsed and insists on waking me up enough for me to yell at her to f***k off. Reminds me of the time I had broken up with the only person who ever loved me and I was totally drunk on the floor crying, needing someone to hug me, and my mum just stands there watching and loving it. Or how she sends money whenever I ask so I can stay on drugs and dependent when she knows I want to get clean and move away. Inhuman, but I keep giving her chances to be a mother. She isn't diagnosed. Diagnosed bpds would be WORSE. I don't give her an inch or she gets truly insane, if you're thinking these examples aren't bad.

Verdandi
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 7 Dec 2010
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,275
Location: University of California Sunnydale (fictional location - Real location Olympia, WA)

29 Dec 2011, 7:48 pm

finallyFoundOutWhy wrote:

we/she have/has generalised from experience. other counsellors my partner has worked with have had similar experience with people who happen to have BPD.

if, after 20 some years of experience, and after discussion with peers, it has been the case that almost everyone you meet who carries a stick and hums "Oh Christmas Tree" hits you with a stick, you are going to be quite wary of people carrying sticks and humming "Oh Christmas Tree"

same thing with people with BPD - fair or unfair

I never argued otherwise, but they're still people, right? Not just disorders with legs?

Anyway, I also never argued that people shouldn't establish safe boundaries around themselves. I do find it problematic that having these labels makes it harder for people to get help they probably need, although it sounds like your fiancee's services would not help anyone with BPD in any event due to the group structure and the multiple opportunities for idealization and demonization.

finallyFoundOutWhy
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 27 Dec 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 51

29 Dec 2011, 9:20 pm

fraac wrote:

[SNIP] I don't give her an inch or she gets truly insane, if you're thinking these examples aren't bad.

i feel for your situation fraac. and establishing the boundaries and rigidly holding to them is the only thing you can do.

one of my other friends who is a counsellor said to me: "you have two choices - dominate or disappear"

my son lives with his mother, even though i would like him to live elsewhere. he has the same approach as you. take no s**t

_________________
"Your Aspie score: 172 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie"
Diagnosed 2010 at age 45
Asperger's and NVLD

Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,949
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

29 Dec 2011, 9:25 pm

finallyFoundOutWhy wrote:

fraac wrote:

Any study of borderlines uses the worst examples of them and I think misrepresents the condition because of that. Firstly, their style is reactive and defensive, it depends on sensitivity to be successful, so if you can identify a borderline they're going to be messing up the one thing they have to do well to get anywhere.

It's not the same as narcissistic manipulation. Different style.

again - a misrepresentation

the point was about whether someone is engaging in predation, not whether a BPD person is a Narcissist

it was a comparison of whether an observer would consider each predatory, not whether they were the same behaviours

The observers need to be aware there is a difference........its not ok to just leave stigma attatched to a disorder because observers find it easier to just consider people with BPD narcissists.

_________________
We won't go back.

finallyFoundOutWhy
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 27 Dec 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 51

29 Dec 2011, 9:27 pm

Verdandi wrote:

you are correct. my ex is not a disorder with legs. she is a person who has solid reasons to be messed. i just got the wrong end of the deal with her as i did not have proper boundaries, and did not perceive her issues until too late. until after the abuse, violence, and drama

i didn't realise what she had until after we were split and had been in counselling and the counsellor(s) told me she was very likely BPD. never an official diagnosis because she won't stick with a counsellor long enough that they will give an official diagnosis - each of 4, plus my fiancée have said that is their best eyeball but will not make it "official" because there are protocols to giving an "official" diagnosis

and no - group work will not help a BPD person

_________________
"Your Aspie score: 172 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie"
Diagnosed 2010 at age 45
Asperger's and NVLD

Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,949
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

29 Dec 2011, 9:27 pm

aspi-rant wrote:

Quote:

Cluster B Personality Disorders

Here's how to identify certain types of these kinds of women:

The Borderline Personality Disorder woman will have lots of male friends, a few (3 or 4) male friends she considers to be close friends, but these "close" friends will be friend zoned co-dependent types. The Borderline woman will have a boyfriend or ex boyfriend she considers the primary relationship in her life, but it will always be a rocky relationship. He will most likely be depressed. She wil make you feel like you're the king of the world when she first meets you, but this will only last a short period of time before she begins to devalue you. You have a month or 2 to have sex with her good until this happens. DO NOT become one of her few male friends waiting for her to fall in love with you, that will NEVER happen because she hates herself too much to allow real intimacy in her life.

The Histrionic Personality Disorder woman will be lively and charismatic, and like the Borderline woman, she will have lots of mostly male friends. But unlike the Borderline woman, she may have a few lesser attractive male friends. She will flirt, touch, and make you feel like you're the hottest thing around. She is after your attention, and only your attention. The trick to having sex with her is to not seem as if you have surrendered to her charms. The more apathetic you are towards her, the more she wants you. The minute she thinks shes won you over, she will consider you less than dirt. Never tell her you love her unless you want the relationship (I use that term loosely, they will never have a real relationship) to be over with.

The Narcissist woman will seem interested in you, mirror all of your interests, and paint herself out to be everything you want in a woman. For example, if you tell her you're into certain genre of music, she will quickly study that genre and become master at it in her own mind. Narcissist women love becoming getting interested in specific genres because it makes them feel superior. They need to feel better than you at knowing certain things. The minute you claim to know more, she beings resenting you and pushing you away. Like the Histrionic and Borderline women, the Narcissistic Personality Disorder woman wants your attention and will inevitably devalue you and cut you off for no reason. But unlike the Borderline and Histrionic women, they don't care if you leave first. They're narcissist and will not usually fault themselves in any way.

Don't try and figure out whether a woman is Borderline, Histrionic, or Narcissistic. The truth is these disorders often intertwine and it becomes difficult to know which disorder dominates. If you do come across these women, and you will, the best course of action is to run. But if you want to use them in sexual nature, the best way is to hit-and-run. Be perfect when you talk to them, and then disappear for a few days. If you can do this a few times, she will almost always want you. But if you start developing feelings and start trying to figure out her motives, you're going to have months of heartache perhaps. The Cluster B has zero empathy (they fake it well) and are master manipulators, Don't play their game, you will always lose.

-- Collected from a infograph

a clip i stumbled upon some time ago, and found very fitting and interesting in relation to what i had experienced with a BPD partner myself

Oh it gets better not only is there stigma attatched to BPD in general but there is a whole article about how evil women with particular personality disorders are to spread even more ignorance and stigma. :roll:

_________________
We won't go back.

aspi-rant
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Sep 2008
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,448
Location: denmark

29 Dec 2011, 9:34 pm

try reading:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggs ... 157224108X

fraac
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Mar 2011
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,865

29 Dec 2011, 9:39 pm

But like I said, a hot, smart girl with bpd is one of the sanest people you'll ever meet. When someone says "lacking empathy" they usually mean lacking neurosis. As autistics, the most intense connections you'll likely have are with bpds, psychopaths and other autistics.

finallyFoundOutWhy
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 27 Dec 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 51

29 Dec 2011, 9:44 pm

OJani wrote:

Now I feel more justified than ever that I broke with her. I just don't know what to do to find someone who has no such characteristics and could love me for who I am...

i am the luckiest guy in the world to have stumbled into the lady i am engaged to - especially after my ex-wife

i don't know how to point you where you need to go, but i can tell you that it is worth it once you are there

don't give up hope - there are people out there

----

my friend said to me "wow - do you ever have it made! a shrink and a girlfriend all rolled into one!"

she understands and works with me through the asperger's. though i am highly functional - there is still stuff i used to hide from other people that she allows me to just do/be/have - like humouring my need to line up all the crumbs on a table in a row, or needing to have glasses or forks in certain geometric positions, or stopping in the middle of a conversation to erase a "line" from the carpet pile getting pushed the wrong way, or my desperate need to have dishes stacked in a particular manner

she works with me through my PTSD (much of it from the violence and abuse of my ex)

she gently tells me when i have launched into too long a soliloquy on some topic, and helps me read and understand other people's emotions and reactions when i can't get it myself.

and she's hot

i get to devotedly care for her in every way (she says she has never met anyone as caring or concerned as me)

i get to take her on trips and to places she has never been (i've been around most of the planet)

each of us gets to love and be loved by each other in a wholehearted and unreserved way - even if hugging or kissing in public or holding hands is still kind of awkward for me sometimes... (i like to do all of the above - i just don't know how to in public)

_________________
"Your Aspie score: 172 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie"
Diagnosed 2010 at age 45
Asperger's and NVLD

Verdandi
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 7 Dec 2010
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,275
Location: University of California Sunnydale (fictional location - Real location Olympia, WA)

29 Dec 2011, 9:48 pm

finallyFoundOutWhy wrote:

Verdandi wrote:

I feel like talking about personality disorders is walking a tightrope or walking on eggshells, because people have experienced genuine trauma due to friendships or relationship with people who have cluster B disorders, and even the A and C can lead to frustrating experiences. But at the same time, I feel like there's something wrong with how people who are diagnosed with PDs are treated and characterized. Not just in their relationships with other people but in their ability to function in therapy. Getting one of those as a label can be a therapeutic death sentence, even when they know they have a problem and want to get it taken care of.

I think that BPD can be treated with DBT in a group setting, as I understand that is not unusual. But it's not set up the same way as an informal support group.

finallyFoundOutWhy
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 27 Dec 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 51

29 Dec 2011, 9:51 pm

aspi-rant wrote:

try reading:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggs ... 157224108X

Stop Walking On Eggshells is very good, but i found the book Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem to be a more concise listing and to have tighter descriptions when trying to explain BPD to other people

it's funny how the book description says "Symptoms of this problem include unpredictability, violence and uncontrollable anger, deep depression and self-abuse. Parents with BPD are often unable to provide for the basic physical and emotional needs of their children. In an ironic and painful role reversal, BPD parents can actually raise children to be their caretakers. They may burden even very young children with adult responsibilities."

that is what my ex has done with my daughter. my daughter has actually said that her mother can't care for herself and she needs to do it for her. my daughter is 15.

----

i have about 20 books on BPD if anyone wants a review

_________________
"Your Aspie score: 172 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie"
Diagnosed 2010 at age 45
Asperger's and NVLD

bumble
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,073

29 Dec 2011, 10:20 pm

finallyFoundOutWhy wrote:

aspi-rant wrote:

try reading:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggs ... 157224108X

Stop Walking On Eggshells is very good, but i found the book Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem to be a more concise listing and to have tighter descriptions when trying to explain BPD to other people

it's funny how the book description says "Symptoms of this problem include unpredictability, violence and uncontrollable anger, deep depression and self-abuse. Parents with BPD are often unable to provide for the basic physical and emotional needs of their children. In an ironic and painful role reversal, BPD parents can actually raise children to be their caretakers. They may burden even very young children with adult responsibilities."

that is what my ex has done with my daughter. my daughter has actually said that her mother can't care for herself and she needs to do it for her. my daughter is 15.

----

i have about 20 books on BPD if anyone wants a review

My mother did that to me, and I lost much of my life and childhood because of it. It is wrong to do that as a child is not responsible for the care of their parent and should be allowed to have their childhood. The older she got the more she deteriorated. She had both physical health problems (a disability from having had TB in her youth which got worse with age and diabetes) she also had her mental health problems. She suffered from psychosis and was delusional much of the time, especially in her older years. During my teenage years she was in and out of psychiatrict hospitals for severe depression (something I have been fortunate enough not to experience due to my somewhat mostly timid and reserved nature and my tendency to be too rational at drs appointments to need such intervention. Yes I get my emotional meltdowns due to upset or stress but they are harmless...just more loud than anything) and was not often well enough to do things for herself.

She could be vicious too with her tongue when she was unwell and if I had a penny for every time I was told that she should have had me aborted when she had the chance because having me ruined her life I would be a millionaire by now. She would rant on at me for hours and lock me in so that I could not get out of the house. She called me everything from useless to stupid to a problem child. Anyway, as she aged her delusions got worse and she started to believe people were trying to poison her. By this time I had grown up but had become her primary carer. I lost many years of my life to hours of ranting about her delusions to her turning up in the middle of the night to avoiding the traps that she set up to stop people getting into her flat to dealing with anything she needed doing.

I had to give up my university course to do it.

At the same time I was also trying to care for my child.

Things wore me down and I became depressed (but not delusional) myself. I am, thus far, fortunate enough not to have suffered from things like delusions or hallucinations. I am the type who prefers to stay grounded and those kinds of things would probably terrify me (this is why I do not do drugs...I like to stay in reality even if reality is painful sometimes).

For that reason, although I get depression and have my social problems (as far as I know I do not have BPD) I did not expose my child to my problems or expect him to a be a carer for me. I lavished him with hugs, love and told him he was my special little angel every day even if I could not always afford expensive toys for him. If I was irritable for any reason I took time to explain to him that I was not irritable with him and that I was just not feeling good today. I never told him I should have had him aborted, I always told him he was precious. That he was my adorable little tidget. I wanted him to know that I loved him no matter what, that I would always love him and that I would always be there for him but my ex (his dad) took that away from me. During a bad patch depression wise after someone close to me died, I went to stay with a then boyfriend for a few weeks to a month. Whilst I was away, my ex, with his new wife, filed for custody and told the court that I had abandoned my child and that I did not want him. No one told me about the court case so I did not turn up and custody was given to his father. I recieved a text telling me they had custody and that was the first I had heard about it!

I was broken after that and I have never been the same. I have not seen my child in 2, I think nearly 3, years now (3 years this coming march I think). I did speak to him about a year ago after I got a call from a support worker who said he was experiencing behavioural problems (he did not have those problems when he was with me) and asking me to get in contact with him. For some time before that he would not speak to me as I had tried to message him and had gotten no reply. On finally speaking to him he told me that his dad had told him that I had abandoned him, that I did not want him and not to believe anything I said to him during the phone call.

I was supposed to be going down to visit my son when all contact ceased before I had a chance to travel the 200 miles to where he was staying. The support worker had apparently stopped working with him (he was having trouble communicating with his dad and his dads wife and she was helping him with that) following which I have not been able to get any replies to any attempt to contact my child. I do know that when we had that brief period of phone contact his dad was taking my sons phone off him so that he could not text me then all of a sudden nothing. No replies, no contact of any kind...nothing.

Now I do not know where they even are or if they are still living at the same address.

I probably was a grumpy parent sometimes but I don't think I deserved what I got. It was important to me that my son feel loved by both parents and so, although I did not like his father, I never interfered with their relationship.

I have been broken ever since that happened and I cannot seem to recover from it. It is like my heart was physically ripped out of me. I can feel the pain that my son would have felt on being told his mum did not want him and it makes me feel physically sick it hurts so much. Yet because i suffer with depression, and because I had a breakdown after that happened and lost my home and belongings, even though I now have a place to live I am seen as the unsuitable parent.

I feel like I am living in the twilight zone. A world where what my ex did to his son is considered to be ok but my suffering from depression is not. I will never be whole again I think, I lost too much of myself back then and now there is a gaping whole in my heart that can never be filled. I am so angry, so frustrated and so hurt over it.

A child should be allowed to their childhood and should feel loved and supported, it is not their place to care for a parent, especially at a very young age. It is not right.

Sorry about any typos, it is 3.30 am here and I am not sleep much at the moment. My brain is malfunctioning from insomnia lol

marshall
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

30 Dec 2011, 12:45 am

finallyFoundOutWhy wrote:

marshall wrote:

Maybe it's just the fact that mutually needy people gravitate towards one another. Someone who is shy and socially awkward is seen as less threatening. Use of words like "predator" and "victim" is a matter pejorative framing. I don't think someone with BPD enters a relationship with the intent of making their partner miserable. I'm guessing they genuinely want the relationship to work out. Of course it's morally wrong for them to start acting controlling and nasty out of insecurity. I don't think it's a calculated plan though. It's just messed up.

Sweetleaf wrote:

Thing is abuse is intentional...so if one does not have the intention of hurting others emotionally or physically then I do not see it as abuse, since usually abuse is a power thing. Not saying people with BPD cannot be abusive but I do not think that is a symptom of BPD.

you see, this is where it starts to get itchy for me on a personal level.

i am actually sure my ex didn't start out to abuse and manipulate me, she just wanted to be love - in her endless black hole of need, but she had learned the behaviour well in her own messed up family, and especially from her extremely controlling, manipulative, and abusive mother

manipulation and control were normal modes of operation for her. in fact, when i would tell her what i was going to do and then did it, she would accuse me of subterfuge and manipulation - she honestly never expected anyone to do what they said they would do. therefore it was devious in her mind. or. at least that's what she told me...

but by the end of our marriage, she admitted to actively manipulating me on a constant basis - with intent

she admitted to manipulating me with intent - just not all the time - since our early relationship even while dating

so where do i separate the simple messed up needy behaviour from the tantrums from the BPD emotional instability?

as a previous poster said:

kx250rider wrote:

Abuse on the bystander feels exactly the same as whether coming unintentionally from a BPD person, or a nasty normal person without BPD.

my co-habitant partner says (i called her and asked) that it is pointless to separate the two sets of behaviour from each other in a real life scenario because they are so intertwined and interwoven in any given moment of time (especially someone who is over 30 years old and has well entrenched untreated messed up behaviours) that there is no functional difference to the person on the receiving end

Sorry if this is too sensitive a topic. I have no right to invalidate your experience. That's not what I wanted to do.

I'm only taking issue with the notion that BPD people are "predators" in general and that they prey specifically on people with ASDs.

I don't know your ex so it would be pretty inappropriate for me to even try and guess whether she is representative of those with BPD in general.

Maybe I should just shut up now as I really don't know what else to say.

OJani
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Feb 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,505
Location: Hungary

30 Dec 2011, 4:24 am

bumble wrote:

I probably was a grumpy parent sometimes but I don't think I deserved what I got. It was important to me that my son feel loved by both parents and so, although I did not like his father, I never interfered with their relationship.

I'm sorry this happened to you and your child. You have the right to at least speak with him and meet him regularly. This is unfair. How could he successfully file for custody without you knowing it? Could you make a claim for your rights and/or revise the case?

Sometimes people lie and warp the reality so much I just can't understand why it's not apparent that they are selfish and ignorant towards other people and why it's appropriate and/or acceptable in the eyes of many.

Dox47
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 28 Jan 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,670
Location: Seattle-ish

30 Dec 2011, 7:19 am

Jeez, and here I was thinking I was unique having lived with a borderline ex for six years while undiagnosed, thinking the whole time that I was the problem because I was unable to recognize the manipulation for what it was. My attitude towards BPD at this point is that I don't judge people who have it and don't think less of them as people, I just try not to associate with them.

_________________
Your boos mean nothing, I've seen what makes you cheer.

- Rick Sanchez

kx250rider
Supporting Member

Joined: 15 May 2010
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,140
Location: Dallas, TX & Somis, CA

30 Dec 2011, 10:49 am

marshall wrote:

I'm only taking issue with the notion that BPD people are "predators" in general and that they prey specifically on people with ASDs.

I think it's not that they do single us out deliberately, but the Asperger's and HFA community can sometimes tend to be much more tolerant of inappropriate behavior, than the NT community. And we like to be liked (at least I do), and a BPD person can be extremely friendly and welcoming. I don't know why, but maybe one reason is that we are different in social situations, and BPD people in my experience, seem warmer and more open to accepting us (at least in the beginning). That's been my experience with my ex-GF, and at least two, and probably many more friends I have had with various levels of BPD.

Charles

Page 9 of 10 [ 159 posts ] Go to page Previous 1 ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 Next

Jump to:

Abused by those with BPD Post Reply New Topic

Abused by those with BPD