What's the right answer to "how are you?"

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I list that day's ailments honestly.
Maybe then they'll never ask me again.

When someone says “How are you?” or "What's up?" I used to always respond 100% honestly. Luckily, I have finally learned that the humans don’t want to actually know your current condition. Now every time I hear "How are you?", I go through my mental rolodex of appropriate responses and toss one apparently meaningless (meaningless to NTs, at least, not me!) phrase out there, like "I'm good you?" or "I'm good thanks!" or "I'm doing okay, how are you?"

I've taken to saying...
Always nice to see you, Watson.
You really should see their reactions. Hilarious. They shake their heads slowly then walk away

Sometimes when people ask "how are you?" I say "that depends on what answer you want", but I've noticed that isn't really a good answer. Because then people tend to say "well, the honest one" even though they don't really want to know. Otherwise they think they'd be rude. So then I give them the honest answer and most of the time people then look at me in some weird way or say something like "Okay, ehh" and change the subject.

I have learned in my job (I am a tutor) that I need to ask people this question... or I might have learned it from a past job... actually, I don't know when I learned it, except that I am still learning it. And by now, I have lost all of my readers because I went into a tangent, at which point I will insert another space to visually say, "hey, you can skip to the next paragraph now if you're bored with this one!" Sorry.

So, I've gotten the script down to saying it, but I've noticed lately (always too late) that I will say it and then not wait for an answer before moving on, or I will say it and get an answer and the question back and move on without answering it myself... it's extremely awkward. I always feel better when the greeting is over and the real tutorial has begun.

A few weeks ago I completely forgot to ask it, and I got called out on it. I started right in on the tutorial subject without the proper greeting, only to receive the annoyed (or amused? honestly, she might have been joking... I don't know) response, "I'm fine, and you?"

I must have looked like a deer in headlights or something because after a few seconds she was like, "Oh, don't worry--it's fine."

Funnily enough it's the opposite here. Brits are notoriously reserved and don't normally talk to one another (it's a mystery how anyone ever makes any friends).

However I'm from the boating community and the rule there is always to say hello to everyone. I think there are two reasons. The canals and rivers are seen as an escape from everyday life - they're mainly used for relaxation, so it's ok to be more familiar. At the same time there's a real mix of people, from the crusties to the shiny boat brigade, and it's a way of showing mutual trust and acceptance.

The flip side is that every so often I'll be walking down some dingy inner city street and I'll forget I'm not on the towpath and start saying "Hi!" to everyone I meet. Luckily most people are actually quite nice, once that initial barrier is broken. That's not what we're told to expect.

My standard response is usually "OK" or "Going all right". I have yet to figure out how to respond when they probe and ask for more information (which does happen). I usually (awkwardly) give a short response that mentions something I did that day.

Man, this forum is making me realize just how much I can't stand most casual, banal conversation. I'll speak when I have something to say, thank you. Otherwise, don't expect much of a response from me.


Hah! I will have to try that one sometime.

This has to be one of the best posts I've seen on WP so far. I spent a good 30 seconds or so laughing when I read that.



I love this post, too. I used to feel that way and I still completely agree with what you say, but eventually I just "got over it" somehow. I wish I could explain how - maybe I become more cynical and just stopped expecting people's actions to make sense? Anyway, I still don't like saying "how are you" back and it's certainly not automatic for me, but I can say it if the situation demands it or I'm in a particularly sociable mood. When I actually want to know how someone is I tend to use slightly different wording, like "how have you been?", to indicate that this is not "the how-are-you non-question".