KimJ wrote:
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A child who has been diagnosed with autism, especially the Kanners type, would bring a sickening sense of horror to any parent.
That's what we are (mostly) complaining about! This is NOT representative of "any" parent but those parents. I did not feel a "sickening sense of horror" when my son was referred to the neurologist, dx'ed, or when he was assessed by the school district as severely autistic. That's the whole point!
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need not come to the point of wanting to murder a child, but the people who often do the most harm to autistics are their own parents, in particular their mothers
I'd like to see the source of this idea. A lot of people around here complain about 1)both parents treating them bad, 2)their dads being particularly rough with them and 3)their moms.
Some parents are martyrs who are willing to sacrifice everything for their autistic children but not everyone is like that. Autism does not only make a living dead out of autistics, it often does the same to the people who are around that autistic. It is only natural to be very angry if one's child is autistic, especially when they are only mildly so because the hopes for remedy is everywhere so abundant. But the hopes are false and no matter how vicious the methods, there are things that autistics will never be able to do.
Part of the way all parents teach their child is through a process of punishment and reward. For the mildly autistic child, their stubborn insistence on unfathomable routine or refusal to do the socially appropriate thing is often met instinctively with punishment. One might call it "tough love" - I punish you because I want you to learn and get better. But it never gets better and the punishments slowly escalate into abuse and confrontation. There is almost nothing that can be done about it because the parent is acting out of deeply ingrained instincts. It is the sort of behavior that they picked up from their parents and the type that gets validated when they observe how other parents treat misbehaving children. There is probably no doubt in the parent's mind that he/she is doing the right thing.
Children who are autistic are often unable to cope with such parental abuse. In general, autistics are vulnerable; but for many autistics, coping with a parent who is both an authority figure and yet a demon that imposes such misery is well nigh impossible. Talk to any Aspergian here, each of us harbor scars that are so deep, a betrayal so profound that it is even painful to even think about it. Parents are not supposed to do these things. Even if they do not help you, they are not supposed to hurt you.
People do not have to try to kill you to hurt you; there are many ways of unleashing one’s rage at the helpless. And that is what it is. Autistics, even the mild ones, are helpless in dealing with explosive social situations. Many parents will probably find some degree of compliance when they throw a tantrum at the cowering autistic child if only because they frighten the child into absolute submission. For many parents, such highhanded methods might appear to be the only thing that works. But it exacts a terrible price and for many people with autism, there is simply no refuge.
The source of the idea is me. I am the originator of this school of thought because no one in the professional or academic community will have the temerity to make this argument – they depend too much on goodwill and fees from desperate parents to want to jeopardize their position with something as inconvenient as the truth. It is also very difficult to systematically study this phenomenon as almost all of it occurs during the private moments between parent and child. If you interview both, it is my word against his/hers; there is no real basis to trust either party. But I hold that most Aspergians would agree with me; at the very least, it offers a partial explanation to why so many of us have such broken relationships with our families. Take a look at what this woman is doing in the wider context and the reactions that this video has engendered in the community, it is important.
Actually, all of this fine but it's still just words. The only thing that stops it is turning it in. If you want to turn a blind eye to it because you think no good will come of it, you are just as responsible as the mother. Every person who sees that and is silent is responsible. That is the bottom line.
05 Mar 2007, 9:25 pm
