Emotion Management - Info from Attwood conference

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How did this thread turn into an emotional venting session? Bizarre. I read the first couple of posts about Atwood's conference-and was interested. Then I come upon these other autobiographical excerpts, emotional spilling, and realize that my post was so out of context.

Cathartic or not, this is a pure example of what causes depression and self-loathing. You couldn't pay me to read some of these posts! They are way too long and oprahish seeming.


equinn

One thing I have learned about my own victim behavior: I will keep repeating trying stupid things that don't get me what I want or need until the light goes on that I am being a victim.

Second thing: Be patient, the light will eventually go on.

Third: Don't put off your life until the light goes on.

The last several posts illustrate how we tend to view NT vrs. ASD depending on our personal experience, and that there is a great deal of pain and hurt on both sides. I wonder, though, if a bigger picture is being missed.

Two examples of the extremes voiced here are:

If you were treated badly (up to physical and emotional torture) by "NT" parents and teachers, NTs become another tribe with which you will not negotiate, and NTs are invalid and probably always will be. This is a valid position based on experience.

If you were treated badly (up to physical and emotional torture) by an ASD spouse or partner, you believe that all of those with Asperger Syndrome are belligerent children with the emotional development of a nine-year-old, and if someone isn't that emotionally stunted, how can they have AS? This too is a valid position based on experience.

Neither view takes into account the vast variety of human behavior (by the way, we are all human), or that those with Autism Spectrum brain wiring have different personality types and degrees of self-awareness.

If you have a nasty and belligerent personality, you will treat people badly whether you are NT or ASD. If you are meek and sweet natured you might treat everyone well, but also be a potential target for bullies, whether you are ASD or NT.

If, as someone with an ASD or AS, you don't understand why people react to you badly, and you need to control others and your environment to get through a neurologically overstimulating day, the lack of understanding why and internal frustration can quickly turn into anger. If an NT doesn't understand why someone is reacting to them in a certain way, and doesn't care to understand the person's reaction or their own emotional response, frustration can quickly lead to anger.

From my undiagnosed view, I have experienced and observed both sides and offer the following. Be warned: I have not been officially diagnosed with AS (although my psychotherapist thinks it is likely), and my personal experience has been very different from anyone else I have met.

1. Self-awareness (understanding why I am the way I am, and how I might be different from other people) should be a goal of everyone. Through understanding ourselves, we can more effectively deal with others and ourselves. In my experience, when someone with AS lacks self-awareness and a degree of understanding as to what the heck is going on, frustration can lead to anger which can lead to taking it out on the people closest to you. Or, in the opposite extreme, it can lead to internalizing, anxiety, and self-harm.

2. Take what works for you from the likes of Tony Attwood, Aaron Beck, Elain Aron, Sharon Heller and Michael Brown, or even Temple Grandin and Donna Williams. I've not found any author or method of dealing with ASD traits or other people that covers everything. There is not one author that offers a complete system of dealing with what I experience, and some of what they write I feel is flat-out wrong. But just because these authors aren't "perfect" doesn't mean that they have nothing to offer. I've learned from all of them.

3. Remember that children are impressionable, and that they don't have the ability to filter ideas in ways that adults do. Self-help only works if it helps a child understand difference and how to deal with difference, but not if it creates a mindset of superiority or disability. Neither mindset, when taken to an extreme is healthy, or wholly accurate.

Z

Equinn I went back and read the beginning that Smelena wrote. It was your "victim" statements about how your misunderstanding of what CBT does and how it screwed up your life is how this thread got changed. Do back & check it out. It is there.

CBT does work. It just doesn't guarantee a static perfect life. It teaches you how to cope with the ongoing chaos of life so it doesn't snow you under.

I have been reading this thread from page one. It is probably the most profound thread I have ever read on WP; certainly, a gathering of some of our best minds doing their best work. I haven't been tempted to contribute until I read this from Chesapeaker:

ouinon,

Glad that I put the question mark on the end of that sentence, I think.

I didn't do well in the subject of philosophy in college, although I've learned that I probably have the ability to understand. Sadly though, I'm not versed enough in it to make too many comments about determinism or free will.

At this moment, I can't keep up with what you said.

However, I recognize in myself that, from my days of being brought up in a fundamentalist, Baptist household, to today, my thinking has made a remarkable shift, without totally discarding faith at the door of science. And from the day, 3 1/2 years ago, when I first went to see a psychotherapist because my inability to manage stress gave me a great deal of emotional and physical pain, I've learned how to fairly effectively regulate and diminish that pain -- without medication.

Lately I've been reading about neural plasticity, the concept that the structure of the brain can actually change depending on how one thinks, and maybe there is something to it. I keep remembering the line, from the film A Beautiful Mind, when John Nash says that he had to put himself on "a diet of the mind" to ignore schizophrenic hallucinations, the very thoughts he found the most enticing and indulging, to be able to stay out of an institution. No victimizing here, but for me, hope.

I'm not sure if that is neurological determinism, or if it has something to do with free will. And yes, I might be superficially using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but it is one of the tools that seems to help me bridge the gulf between my thoughts and emotions.

Z

Chesapeake...I am not sure how long you have been on WP or how long you have been divorced...it sounded like a long time for the latter. Perhaps you should consider why you are here from a CBT perspective. It appears, from your statements that you have been helped being here because you have learned from all the negative posts from aspies that you see...that the marriage did not fail because you were a bad person but because your husband was abusive and was abusive because that is just how aspies are ? Is that really useful information ? I seems to me that it just reinforces your role as a "victim". Do you find that that in powers you in some way or does it just keep you stuck in negativity. Honestly, for me, if I had a chance to ride horses, (my favorite thing) or run with the dogs, (I also work with dogs and love them), I would much prefer it to reading posts I considered hostile to me. Is it time for you to move on or do you still need more material to build your wall of "aspies are evil, childish, unempathetic in which to house your injured self?

I come to WP to share my life with other people who are experiencing similar difficulties of being aspie . I see negativity here to but it helps me understand how much pain so many aspies are in just trying to deal with living in the world, (and while we are on this topic....I Do understand aspies are no the only humans who are in pain but this is an aspie support site, there are plenty of other support sites for other kind of pain.) People come here to vent and get support from people who have experienced similar things and might have suggestions that are helpful...or just not condemn them for their feelings. Have you never been in a support group that talked negatively about the people who the individual felt abused by ? It doesn't mean they hate all men or all caucasians but when we live in a world that IS dominated by NT's and that keeps hurting us it does seem like it's a problem with "those NT's" . I've been hurt by several aspies here but I have been helped by more and amused by many and touched by the caring of others...if that were not true...I wouldn't have stayed for two years. For better and worse..this is my family because my own find me intolerable. We all need a place where we can feel ecepted and I don't think you belong if your opinions of aspies is as negative as you present in many of your posts.

I'm not here to tell you hat to do, but from a CBT position, you do appear stuck in the past. Just something to think about.