I DON'T WANT CHILDREN!! !

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Yes, and I understand you're including this in a very long list of other things, but by itself it would be a very selfish reason to have children.

It is my one fear about aging, I confess, but it's not a reason to regret being childless. I figure that I'll manage. If it means being lonely in a nursing home at some point, maybe I'll find a way to avoid that, and if not, I'll just wait it out.

This has been the most difficult part of being someone's child, I can tell you that. My mom had cancer and needed home hospice care. My dad couldn't handle it, so it was myself and my sister who took care of her. I don't regret a moment of it, but it was one of the most difficult things I ever did. My dad died yesterday, and my sister had nearly the entire burden this time because I was unable to be there. So that's two parents she went through this with, and it was a huge burden -- though I'm sure she'd say she doesn't regret a moment of it. Still, why would I want to do that to my children?

It was different when people had everyone living in one house, and everyone helped out. These days it's usually one or two children who care for the elderly parents if anyone does, and if someone can't they feel terrible guilt -- as I do regarding my dad. Some of those old folks who do have children wind up in nursing homes with no visitors anyway.

I think you make a great argument for children -- my mother used to say money didn't matter so much if you had plenty of love. I think that's true, and still wish my parents could've afforded to help me with college -- though I'm grateful for everything they did.

There's no perfect picture, either of childlessness or of having children. Everyone has to choose for themselves.

I think the most important thing is to CHOOSE -- not do anything dumb that causes it to happen without a little planning and choice. Everyone's happier that way, I think.

I'm impressed that someone who doesn't have children know what all comes with the job....who says we lack emapthy?

I was one who spent most of my life not wanting children. I helped take care of other people's children, and I didn't want any of my own. Then I joined the military, and being away from my family made me realize how much I wanted to create one of my own. Then the timing was right cause as I was getting used to the idea of these feelings, I met mister right. Now, I have 2 kids (one just turned 3, and the other is about to turn 2), and one on the way. I really didn't know what all came with the job, and a lot of it I am not a fan of, but I promise you, I never really knew love until I had children. So when people say it really is worth it...it really is.

Anyway, while the list was pretty accurate as obstacles of raising kids, what it lacks is how people with kids get passed those obstacles. So, in my experience....

Birth is no big deal if you get the epidural. My sister had it easy because they induced all her births, so she had the epidural long before she started feeling any real pain. Me, I went into labor 2 weeks early on both of my children, and it really depends on the hospital on how soon you get that epidural. My first was the longest because I take my time (cause she's my first) to get to the hospital, but she came out fast... and then the doctor took his time, and they refused to give me an epidural without a script from the doctor (which is something I could have gotten in advance if I knew it was needed). Then they had to call the anesthesiologist (spelling) and I had to wait on him to get there. I went from 3 cm dialated to 9 cm dialated in about one to two hours and then got the epidural. I was in so much pain. But once I got that epidural...Life was awesome. I still like to think back to that feeling where I was in the worst pain I ever felt to not feeling anything at all from the waist down. It was like a high to relieve that amount of pain in the minutes it took the epidural to take effect. I did get some anxiety from the idea that everyone was able to see parts of my body I didn't want to be seen, but on that day, you really don't care. With the second child, I had the epidural within a half hour from getting to the hospital, and at that point, it felt like the worst period cramps you'll ever have, but nothing compared to the pain I had going on with my first before getting that epidural. But, I hear it gets easier the more children you have....

Now one thing to consider about birth... They say it reduces a lot of complications a woman might go through in menopause to give birth when she's younger.


On responsibility, yeah it's very important. This is one thing that I've had a hard time doing. But, I never wanted to be responsible in the past, and now I do because I want the best for my kids. I just don't always know how. So the problem isn't that I have to be responsible, the problem is that I'm never going to be good enough in my mind for the expectations I give myself as the mother of my children.

Diapers...no big deal. Given, I have only girls, and boys can be a bit more complicated, but with all things in life, you totally get used to it. One of my friends had a system down for diapers by the time her son was 2, and she could change a poopy diaper in less than 10 seconds. I still haven't beaten that record, but I try.

The 3 AM wakeups... When I had my first, I breastfed. They told me to feed her every 2 hours, and to wake her up if she was sleeping. I did that. I went insane. I didn't sleep for the first 3 months hardly at all, and then it was one year before she slept through the whole night. What's worse? My husband at the time was military, and he lost base driving priveledges for her first month due to receiving 4 parking tickets (for the same thing) the night I was in the hospital giving birth to her. So, I had to drive him (with the baby in the dead of winter) to PT in the mornings, to home, to work, to home for lunch, to work and then to home every day, which interefered majorly with the eating and sleeping cycle. What I did to get some sleep once in a while (like when I was getting serious meltdowns from the fatigue alone) is pump and make the husband feed the baby while I slept. Now the second baby, I started breastfeeding her. The first week, I didn't wake her up to feed her. I let her decide when she eats. She had longer feeding times than my first, as well as longer breaks in between. When you breastfeed, the baby loses weight the first week, and she didn't lose as much weight as my first in the process, but the nurse (the idiot) was concerned about her weight and wanted me to supplement with formula. So I did (like the idiot I am for listening to an idiot), and I loved it. The thing though is that breast milk is healthier than formula, but formula is more filling and fattening. So I switched to formula and I slept fine in comparison to the first, but not like the way I would if i didn't have children. She probably with the formula ate every 3 hours during the day, and then would sleep 4 to 6 hours at night. She also got overweight from the formula, and that same idiot nurse wanted me to put her on a diet that by WIC's definition would have malnourished her. Either way, the first year is the most rough on sleeping, but every kid is different, and night time routines (like bath, book, etc.) help the baby fall asleep at night and stay asleep throughout the night. But with kids, you will always have those nights that generally happen when you least expect it.

On marriages, it has been hard on our marriage. In our case, I remember when my husband and I were first dating, he asked me if marriage would change me. You know how some women become a different woman as a wife than as a girlfriend. I told him it wouldnt, but motherhood would. I was right. Having kids make you grow up. I guess the biggest problem was that I was more tolerant of his flaws when he was just the husband, but I'm not so tolerant of those flaws with him as a father. The same thing goes back to me...he was more tolerant of things when I was his wife than how I am now as the mother. That's normal when the relationship is experiencing growth...in other words, our kids brought us closer together rather than taking a toll.

The ADVICE is the worse thing. Yeah, total strangers are always criticizing you on how you parent, but that's not as bad as the people in your life like your mother, friends, in-laws, etc. Everybody has an opinion and just has to voice it for sake of the children. I get it more because I'm weird. I'm not one to spank and scream at my kids, and I get a lot of problems as a result (people actually expect you to spank and scream at your kids because that's called discipline, but when you word it like that, they mean discipline in the sense you already use...yeah right). What's funny? You get "advice" from people who don't have kids, and you get it from people who really could use some advice of their own with their kids. They will argue with you on how to raise your kids, so it's really beyond advice and into an ego thing. I have found the best way to get passed this is to complain about it to the very people who do it, but complain about it like it's someone else. They eventually get the picture and back off. The other trick I do in the heat of an argument, I pull what many parents of autistic kids pull.. the poor me syndrome. I start talking about all my problems with bills and house cleaning and my own personal health and I don't know what I can do, I agree that I suck, I add some tears, and then all the sudden instead of criticizing me, it's all about how great of a job I'm already doing. I will admit though that sometimes I'm serious when I pull the pity card, but sometimes I do fake it to end the argument.

My relationships with everyone has changed. My mom and I are closer now. My best friend and I drifted apart to more acquaintences. I miss having her around like i used to, but when I think back to that life, it was empty. My children make me complete, not my best friend. To be honest, as a parent, I don't have the time and energy to put into my friendships like I used to, so our relationship has changed, but we are still best friends. We still help each other out. I had a meltdown yesterday, and my best friend stopped what she was doing on a dime to come over and help me. There are times I do the same for her, but we just don't do that everyday for normal things like we used to. Facebook also helps with little everday things.

My free time is gone. I do try a morning routine of some internet fun before I start my day, and some days it takes all day just to get 20 minutes straight on the net. Some days, I'm on and off in less than five. It's one of those things where you have good days and bad. Most of my free time though isn't gone because of the kids. Most of it is gone because of the decisions I make in general. Things like procrastination, avoiding problems, and basic laziness hinder my free time more than anything else. I need to focus on things like routines, stability, and action and I'm sure I'll see the free time pouring out.

The worry...I'm addicted to worry, so I was going to worry about things whether or not I have kids. I'm just glad I finally have something worth worrying about. The thing though is that I'm weird, so I don't really worry about the milestones. I worry about other things like safety. The milestones are bull. Kids will do their thing when they are good and ready. Somethings they hit up way sooner than normal, and some things are later than the norm. No big deal. The things that are really later than others (not based on a chart from the doctor's office, but based on your gut feelings and what you see with other kids your child's age), instead of worrying about that, I tend to worry about what I can be doing to help the situation.

Money... You will always need money. If I did a poll asking "Could anyone use 500 bucks right now?" How many people do you think will respond with "No"? All the children do is shift your spending priorities, and trust me, it's so much fun spending on them. It's like I'm still a Toys R Us kid. Best of all...NO GUILT. I feel guilty buying me a new outfit or blowing money on my friends at the bar...I always have. Now, I don't feel guilty buying the crib or the pack n play or the huge toy that they never play with. If it's for the kids, there's no guilt. What's better, I have more money now because of the kids. Because I decided to grow up, I also decided to learn more about investing and money management, and I make much better decisions now with my money. If I had this mind frame when I was 18, I would be debt free with a ton of money sitting in savings.

Housework... I hate it. I'm domestically challenged. I've read parts of Organizing for Dummies, and I read the Clutter Diet more than once, and it's helped. But I still suck. Laundry is easy if you have a washer and dryer that works. Not fun going to the laundromat with a bunch of loads and a baby. One time I went to the laundromat with my first child, and I bent down into the dryer to put a handfull of clothes into it, and when I stood up (all of three seconds), some drunk guy was trying to take my child out of the stroller next to me. Fortunately, he was too drunk to realize she was buckled in. I of course stopped it, and then I had to keep a very close eye on her obviously.... Housework is hard for me in general, and my hardest thing isn't trying to keep up, but trying to make a change in my lifestyle. Before I had kids, I let my house get nasty until I had a date come over. Now that I have kids, I'm all the sudden expecting to be a neat person when I'm not. It's tough to make that change. If I were a neat freak normally, the kids wouldn't add too much more to my daily chores.

Tantrums.... Most of the time, I can tolerate a lot of them. Sometimes though, I get really frustrated by them, and that's when I usually step away if I can. Fortunately, I do have a husband I can force into dealing with it for me on those moments. He does the same to me...it's okay. My theory is, you never want to handle children when you are angry because you never know your strength (autism or NoT). So as a result, if everyone around you is on the same page, then there is no problem with someone who isn't angry helping out and giving you a break. Now, I feel for single moms because they don't always have that kind of help. With my kids, my oldest has meltdowns, and I'm learning there is a difference. I tend to truly empathize with her during her meltdowns that I just want to hold her and try to comfort her just as if she were crying from pain from falling or something. Now the actual temper tantrums are very rare in comparison to the meltdowns, and I have a rule in this house that helps. When you are that upset, you go to your bed and calm down. It's not technically a time out cause it's not timed. It's just whatever it takes to re-adjust the attitude. Sometimes I call it "chillifying yourself." If my daughter leaves the bed still upset, I put her back in. When she calms down, she's allowed to come out on her own free will, but sometimes (thanks to people like my husband who try to make it an actual time out) she sits there beyond the time she calmed down, and I have to go in to let her know it's okay to come out and play. It has worked very well for us so far.

Rebellion and dissonance...I haven't experienced that yet. Maybe I'm not getting what was meant by it. I mean I guess sometimes my kids will defy me as a parent, but it doesn't totally bother me. It is starting to become an issue because I'm about to have a third child, and I really will need the first one to listen to me more for her own safety, or I won't be able to take all three kids somewhere by myself. My kids are still very young, so a lot of the idea of rebellion isn't as much an issue until they get older.


When your child cries and you don't know why, if you keep investigating, you'll figure it out. It's like a brain teaser, but you don't get to decide when you approach it. So, sometimes when it's 3 AM and you haven't slept for days, it takes you 8 hours to figure it out or resolve it without ever figuring it out. Sometimes, you figure it out in retrospect after you've slept a while. Either way, it can be tough, but you just keep telling yourself these two things and it makes it easier... One, the child is crying for a reason. Two, the child eventually will go to sleep. It can be emotional when you know the child is in pain and can't figure out what to do about it, but when the child feels better, so do you.

The billions of people...so what. You got billions of people who could care less about you in this world. I once volunteered for an "old folks home." Many of the patients there didn't have family visiting them, and they clinged onto any volunteers they could. Some would scream out for family members who passed away for hours. The ones who didn't have family visiting them frequently were miserable. They all (all the patients even ones with family) would have been happier living with a family member. The ones who do end up living with a family member or got visits from family members didn't get visits from their parents or spouses, but their children.

Failed expectations...not sure i get that because it's vague and I'm taking it on something kinda personal to me right now, but we all fail at some expectations. I tend to be too hard on myself. I'm trying to let up, and I got my thing going. Instead of letting it depress me like it has in the past, I'm letting it fuel my drive to improve.

Lost freedom... I'm still free. I just have to take my kids with me.

Hard work... yeah, I always work hard or I'm hardly working. No different with or without kids.

The unthinkable can happen to you no matter what. It's just one of those things where it's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. My friend lost her daughter when her daughter was 2 years old. She wouldn't go back and undo those two years to avoid the pain of losing her child.


NOW for a list of perks:

Pregnancy makes food taste better, and you want to get fat.
Then the kids take a lot of energy (and will eat all your food for you), so then you lose weight.

You have a reason to need a back rub/ full body massage from your husband, and you can guilt him into giving you one...

When your friends call you wanting to hang out and you just want to be alone, you tell them you can't get a babysitter.

That huge desire to help someone and take care of people...now you have someone worth taking care of.

You grow up

You got the best motivation ever to improve yourself

You have a reason to work and work hard, so you find a purpose in everything you do (including putting up with BS at the workplace)

When depressed, you find a reason to live

Remember when you were a kid circling toys from a catalog you wanted for Christmas and then was at the mercy of the adult to get it for you? Now you get to decide what toys to buy. Then you get to play with them (with your children) and nobody thinks it's odd.

Also nobody thinks you are weird for watching cartoons as an adult because of course, your kids are watching them.

Like dogs, they have a better instinct when it comes to the intentions of people, so they kinda clue you in to who you can and cannot trust...if you pay attention.

Also in the social realm, you are now part of the parent clique

Benefits...you are more eligible for a lot of state benefits (including education benefits) if you got kids

Tax Benefits... not only do you get the child tax credit, extra exemptions, child care expense deduction, but it also increases the income guidelines for eligibility for the EIC and increases the credit.

In the military, they can be the reason you get to live in base housing instead of dorms, and they can increase your income (BAS).

Kids say the darndest things (that was once a show somewhere), and it's funny. Nothing better than their comic relief at random.

They are so creative...it will amaze you...and resourceful too.

You look at them and realize you made that.

They pull the cute card to get their way, but that cute card also changes your attitude from angry and annoyed to "aweeeeee look at that face" pretty quick.

Of course, the best thing of all is the love....when they cling on to you for dear life when you just pick them up, when they run to you first because they are scared, when they need a kiss on their boo boo, when they hug you because you look sad, when they just want to be held because they just want to be close to you, when they are afraid to fall asleep unless you are in the room with them, when they first start talking and one of the first words is momma or mommy.... yeah, hearing them call you mommy for the first time is just amazing.

when some one "young" says they dont want children, they are told they'll change their mind
Yet when someone "young" says they want children, they are not told they will change their mind

I must say, reading these loooong lists of how great it is to have kids actually makes me want them less. I mean what does someone with kids need to prove anyway? I can see why someone without kids would want to rationalize it (making a list of pro's and cons so to speak), but why would someone wíth kids? I don't see why you would put an effort into talking other people into having kids when there's clearly too many people on this earth... unless misery loves company

If you don't adore kids and if your dream is not to have some... please don't! There are people starving from a lack of attention who would 'adopt' you in a second... you can even pcik your age, gender etc... just give people positive attention and they will love you. For free!

Besides... moms around here would be so jealous of you Americans. There's no way you get anesthesia for childbirth in our country. Not a reason not to breed though; population rate is going up rapidly here too!

I suspect you are fairly young?