Is there any Aspie who wish they are born normal?

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Joe90, hopefully one day your parents will consider moving to a warmer country to stay, to care for your welfare. My country is usually very hot, around 80-90 degree fahrenheit. But if I go up to a very high mountain, it may be very cold. One night, it was about 40 degree fahrenheit, I was there shivering so much, my teeth, hands and legs were shaking and I find it very difficult to talk! The winds were like clouds blowing, like I used to see in TV, those people who go up to Mount Everest.

I've found the reasons why I want to be NT. It's because of outbursts. I hate these f*****g outbursts. Not only that - each time I have an outburst, it backfires. It sends my poor family into distress. It makes me feel more awkward and angry with myself. Then I have to face the consequences afterwards, with having those awful, guilty feelings inside me.

I sometimes slap myself in the face with my hands, which is my way of telling my brain how much I hate the way the ugly thing is wired.

I also hate being a minority. When you're a minority, you can't get your own way on anything. At least NTs get their own way on some things. For example, I don't like it when the lounge door is open, because I don't like hearing the chattering of the TV from my bedroom (my bedroom is downstairs). But once my brother wanted the lounge door open because he was hot. But I said, ''why can't it be even? Why can't you open one of the windows, then we'd both be even - I wouldn't hear the chattering of the TV and you wouldn't be hot.'' But no, he thought the idea of me liking the lounge door shut is ''stupid'' because ''nobody else would worry'', and nobody else in the house said nothing, so I walked out saying, ''fine, have it your own way then!''

Life is horrible when it's them against you sometimes.

It sure looks like our outbursts is very abnormal. I never thought about it when I was young. I get angry very easily. I now understand it's because I'm not a NT, that I get frustrated, angry, hated, hot tempered, etc quite easily. And I thought it's normal, but it's not. Normal people also show tantrums, anger, etc, but I feel my kinds of anger, etc was so different. They are able to be close friends again after the anger or quarreling so easily, but I find it hard to do so.

Why these outbursts? I think the reason is I feel so unfairly incapable to 'be like' other people, I get frustrated so too easily, so the outbursts occurs, though I never really want it to happen. I did not know how to let go of the outburst. It's like the outburst stays in me for quite a long time.

But lately, strangely, I seem to be able to cool down my outbursts, though not totally. Maybe because now I've finally found out the reason for my outburst is because I have asperger, and I want to throw away the harmful and poor personalities I had, and do what I think is good to show good personality.

I often wish I'd never been born. After all, everyone would be better off without me around.

Does that count?

In what sense everyone would be better off without u around?

I'd do anything to be born normal

Me too. I know some Aspies like being different, and that is their doing. But there are some Aspies out there who hate being a minority, especially when you're someone like me who is the only Aspie in the family. There are about 3 or 4 diagnosed Aspies who are very distantly related to me, but I never see them, and they are all small children. I think they're something like my mum's cousin's children. The Autistic gene (in the other words, the ''faulty'' gene) seems to come from my mum's side, but she's got 3 siblings who have all got 2 grown-up children each, and all of them (including my mum's siblings) are all NTs, so why has the faulty gene only gone to me? That's what's been bothering me about having AS ever since the day I was diagnosed with the awful disability. How come they all get to be NTs with normal social lives, and there's me lacking behind in life, no matter how hard I try to better myself? The more I really try to be normal and happy, the more NTs can sense that it's false, so I've got to keep everything at a level all the time. If I had a cousin who was on the spectrum, and struggled with making friends, I would be happier, especially if we were close. I might of even not minded being an Aspie at all. It might of not mattered who I was, if I knew there was a close relative who exhibited the same sort of difficulties I did.

But no. It can't be so.

I'm torn about this because I have learned, over years of believing otherwise, that many people are unhappy when it appears they have every reason to be happy. After I scrape away their obvious challenges, lost dreams, broken hearts..what I see as the determining factor is how they feel about the time they spend alone. I haven't met one person who is happy until they have found how to be happy alone. I think I found that many years ago and only because of AS. I am happy alone with myself at least some of the time. If I wasn't born with this I don't know if I would have learned it.

"When this old world starts getting me down and people are much too much for me to face, I climb way up to the top of the stairs....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15Qqnl3_ ... re=related

my favorite line: 'where you just have to wish to make it so"

xo



wish we had a spellchecker or I wouldn't have to edit all the time

When I was young, I met an accident at age 8. I thought it's because of the accident that I used to be slow in thinking and take a long time to think what to say that I was not given a chance to speak! I used to stammer or stutter. So, usually, I just listen. I know it's no point to try talking. No one give me a chance to speak. Now I know it's because of the asperger that I had a problem to speak with others. I feel my way of talking was so very different from how other people talk.

Only in the last 10 years or so, I seemed to be a bit better. Reason was my wife used to tell me to be careful how to talk to this kind of people, or that kind of business people and so on. Funnily, at that time, I didn't even know I have asperger yet. But my wife did notice how dumb I was in front of others that she tried helping me. Though I feel I'm not very good in mixing around with people, but thankfully, I think I've improved my communication skill quite a lot ever since I was diagnosed asperger last year. Thanks to my wife as well as the fact that I finally know my problem is the asperger. I think the improvement comes because I want it badly enough.

I've just found out, after 38 years, the likely reason why I can't fit in with other humans (assuming I'm human in the first place!).

I screw up every social interaction I get into. Result: I'm marginalised - no job, a relationship in difficulties, very few friends, many of whom complain they feel they "don't matter" to me. Further result, depressive disorder, looking like Borderline Personality Disorder but, I'm starting to suspect, not. My partner thinks not.

NTs, on the other hand, seem to have meaningless lives revolving around making money, talking about cheap beer substitute/football/fashion, and scr*wing over anyone more vulnerable than they are. Most of them, maybe even most aspies (my partner, who has met several people with Asperger Syndrome says aspies are not like most NTs in this regard), seem to have no moral conscience. My suspicion is that NTs learn morality through social interaction. Since most humans are scum, they learn to be immoral, even amoral, from each other. Aspies have to work out morality for ourselves, and I suspect may have different standards. I then wonder why most people are out to make my life impossible. I then don't want to interact with humans, which exascerbates the problem.

I'm sure not all NTs are bad people or that most aspies are good ones, but I do know most humans are bad.

I don't want to fit into either category. The world is sh!t, and I don't want to live in it.

So, I wish I'd never been born. It would be easier that suicide.

My partner takes some offence at this notion, saying that I can't love her if I don't want to be with her. I do love her, but I can't respond to her emotional cues, which hurts her, and I hate myself for it. She'd have been better off meeting someone else. So I'm trapped, hurting her by living, hurting her by leaving, or hurting her by dying.

So not having been born would be best.

Last edited by Niall on 19 Feb 2011, 6:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't really want to die - I just wish my life would get better. I'm not a very lucky person, even if I wasn't an Aspie. I have a cousin who is one of those people who doesn't have to try and yet everything falls into his lap, just like that. He's 22 years old, good-looking, socially confident, very bright, has a good job being a car mechanic (which is his special interest, yes NTs have them too), he drives a flash sports car about, he has lots of mates, he goes on fantastic holidays abroad with his or his girlfriend AND he's never had to fork out a penny for anywhere he's ever been because one of his mates parents have paid for him. And throughout his childhood, he didn't cause his mum much worry, only the typical things parents worry about, but no worries in particular, like my mum has had with me. (For example, me not making friends properly at school, lacking on my education due to poor intelligence and motivation, having major panic attacks about any change, ect ect ect). Things are not much better now either. I've developed mild Agoraphobia, I've got low self-esteem, I'm out there looking for jobs but can't seem to get one, I haven't got the money to just ''move out and get a life'' (as most people would probably say to me), I got bullied last year for the first time and I still feel they are out to get me now..... And I'm not actually blaming any of this on the AS. It's just bad luck what is beyond my control. I'm one of those people who don't just sit back and not try anything and not do anything with my life - I do actually go out there and try new experiences, but it's always one step forward two steps back for me. It is with my mum and 2 of her siblings too, and they're NTs, (which I have mentioned before). Whatever they achieve, something comes along to destroy it. Every time. So we've become despondent to everything, and we've also lost trust in our friends. And don't say ''you will never get anywhere thinking the negative side of things'', because they have always thought positive about everything, and they've always put their low self-esteem to one side and tried to have fun instead, but since all these unlucky things have come along out of the blue to destroy our fun and confidence, we've now become very wary. It's OK if these things happen to you once or twice, but when they happen to you every time you ever achieve something, it does make you become very suspicious and upset. Yes, we all have problems, but some seem to have more than others.

I think that I might have turned out alright if someone had realized that "unable to socialize" is a disorder. If someone had just helped me understand the social rules, how to act, how to dress, it would have been so different. As it was, I took so much abuse that I missed the useful advice that I got.

I just feel ashamed that I'm so delayed in learning all the things most NTs learn naturally, without needing to be told. I don't mean the socialising, what I mean more is how to keep your cool. Most people just know how to be cool, and they know what's embarrassing and what's not, and they know what makes you look ridiculous and what doesn't - all by the age of about 9 or so. Or even younger, depending on what it is - when I was about 6 or 7, I used to cry and whine when waiting in the hospital waiting-room, and I even laid on the floor because I got so bored with waiting. I don't know if that's normal in kids that age or not, because I don't seem to see many kids that age about - I mostly see toddlers or teenagers about.

But I'm more embarrassed of the things I do, what most people half my age know better than me not to do it. Things like saying really stupid things loudly in public (I don't know if I've mentioned this before somewhere in this topic). My mum is sometimes behind me telling me not to say such embarrassing things out loud, and not to keep on making a fuss when there's a toddler screaming at the top of it's lungs, and so on. And I don't even feel like a little kid (because after they get to the age where they look silly when behaving in certain ways, they automatically know what looks silly and what doesn't). I feel worse than feeling like a little kid. I feel like an invalid, or a really mentally ret*d person, who doesn't seem to know how to act cool, and that I need a carer to look after me. That's what I feel like. Does this horrible AS need to make me feel like this?

If AS was just a case of having just a few social difficulties, that would be fine. I might accept it more, and I might be able to get on with things, a bit like dyslexic people. They only have trouble with reading and writing - otherwise they can do other activities and push it out of their minds. But me, AS seems to stand in front of everything I do. From walking down the street, to going to bed at night, to cooking a meal, to doing things like swimming, to driving a car, and so on, all the time the AS is right there in your face, affecting you in some way. Is there ANYTHING you can do what AS does NOT affect how you do it or what you think of it, for christ sake?! !!

(ps, I have a very high anxiety disorder, I think that's more to blame than the AS itself).

Not all the time, but sometimes I do. Today is one of those days. I've had a really rough day which I'm still reeling from, and my wacky neurological wiring has a lot to do with that. The significant difficulty with socialization is part of my problem, but it's far from being the whole problem. There's also the sensory issues, the abysmal motor skills, the severe physical awkwardness, the severe difficulties with organization, the significantly impaired ability to regulate attention, the significantly impaired ability to "think on my feet," and/ or multitask, the inability to simultaneously mentally access all the information necessary to plan and act in an effective manner, the brain fog, the anxiety, the constant fatigue, etc, etc, etc. I imagine that I must have one or two strengths, but on bad days such as today (and there are far too many bad days) I can't for the life of me think of what those strengths are.
So, yes, there are times when I do feel that my life would be quite a bit easier, and far less painful if I just had a normal brain in place of this very abnormal one.

Like I said, having AS might be all right to handle and to cope with if we exhibited only about 2 or 3 of these issues, but most of us all seem to exhibit such a great long list of really annoying issues what affect daily life and is a pain in the arse, even if there is so many symptoms we may not have. Say if I just had sensory issues and some issues with multi-tasking, and some social shyness, and that was the lot, I think things would be much easier. But when you've got so much issues in almost everything you do, it does make life so tough. Why does AS have to involve about a thousand different little symptoms?! !!
I thought it was just about social difficulties? Special interests don't have anything to do with social difficulties! Wanting strict routine don't have anything to do with social difficulties! Even anxiety doesn't have to be caused by social difficulties, only social anxiety, but I don't have anxiety with social. I have anxieties with everything else totally unrelated to social.

WHY?! !!

AS makes me feel like I've got every single mental health condition in the world.

Also, when I look at people who are completely the opposite of an Aspie, who have about 1000 friends on facebook, have big parties without even needing to invite people because you'd know they will just come round in crowds, and nobody will disrespect you socially, and it doesn't matter how dumb or clever you are because they all just love your social personality. And they never get tired of socialising, and never get worried of crowds and obnoxious youngsters, and are just into fashion and parties. And if they do fall out with friends, it wouldn't matter because they just make more......

And I bet those sorts of people don't even know the meaning of the word Autism (unless they have a relative who is on the spectrum). When I hear about these sorts of people, it makes me feel like a downright loner, who they would all laugh at.

I sigh when I think of these sorts of people. What heaven it would be living a life where you're not afraid of people.

I also feel upset because most people I know always get chatting to someone when they go abroad on holiday, but I never do. I go on holiday and come back knowing as many people as I did before I went.