nessa238 wrote:
cakey wrote:
This a really good thread, I read through all of it. Although I am NT, i am very socially awkward and didn't understand why people bother with all the superficial talk either. Anyhow, for the example of the girl with the dress. If I were to think it's ugly yet she seems happy with it on, I wouldn't say what I thought, I know I would say something agreeable to what she thinks so that she can be happy. In other words, if I sense that what I say can or may the other person unhappy, I always refrain from saying it, even though they ask for honesty. I do know that of a friend comes to me and asks me "Am I fat" or "Does my hair look ugly" and if either are true, I won't say it because I know that in this conversation, the other person doesn't really want the truth, they actually want to bring their self esteem up through me saying things like, "No, never! You are great." Those are the only examples I know of since this is how girls talk around me and reaffirm each other's worth through their beauty or looks.
When it comes to strangers though or people that I am not comfortable with, I get lost and I do wonder their motives. For example, I was walking to school and then a very old and white-haired man stood and spoke in a formal tone, "Good Morning," while looking at me, I quickly mummbled back a"Good morning" and walked more quickly away...I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond or what this old man's motive was. He definately wasn't a pervert...and I'm still baffled about it. There are more times where I am confused. But I just know that I never take what Nt's say literally unless I can't find a motive, otherwise, I always ask myself "What are they doing or trying to do?"
This is very interesting, to have an NT viewpoint
What I don't understand is that if as you say, your main focus is on saying things that are agreeable to what the other person thinks and that make them happy, how come a lot of the NTs I come across seem hell bent on saying things that have the sole aim of making me feel horrible about myself ie this is the stuff they say to each other about me in passing if they see me in town, on the street for example - far from not wanting to say anything to make me unhappy like you do for your friends, this is their main aim!
It makes no sense to me that NTs go on about all the stuff they don't say so as not offend other people and yet many seem to spend a lot of their time doing that very thing ie being very insulting and cruel about other people in order to hurt them. ie they don't follow their own rules.
Also I can't understand why you don't understand what that older man was doing - he was just saying hello. Because you always look for an ulterior motive you are going to be suspicious of any stranger that talks to you. I just take what they say at face value most of the time so it would mean he was just saying hello to me.
if you have any suspicions about this ''being nice'' among NTs l'd say you're right.
l'm curious to hear your theories lol. But l'm impatient -_- so l'll just tell you what l think.
They don't actually care. They don't give a sh** about being nice. lt's a kind of self congratulatory thing, self justification in thinking "oh, look at me, l'm this big hero and l'm taking the high road by not saying what l really think to this person."
Little do they know the person they are refraining from "being honest" with could be thinking worse things about them.
OR they simply don't want to take responsibility for what they really think anyway. l have to say l can be guilty of that, l'm not really going to tell a person how l feel if it is going to get me into some knee deep sh** with that person and they aren't the type that's worth arguing with.
Not talking about the situation with the above poster specifically lol xD And also my ranting against NTs, l guess would have to be viewed as ranting against...general BS >_>
I've got to go out now and won't be back until later but I am keen to discuss this issue as it is a major bug-bear of mine.
I generally deal with it by avoiding NTs - I see it that they speak a totally different language to me and that the chances of us understanding each other properly are minimal so what's the point?
I used to want their respect but as I get older it's less important and I'd rather just avoid their disrespect
Therefore I deal with them on a 'needs must' basis and it seems to work well for me!
03 Feb 2013, 8:03 am
I guess that's why people have never appreciated my information.
