AS and Puberty

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i had evident 'falling apart at the seams" at age 9. Things started to get really complicated socially.

By teen years I was in a complete quagmire with no understanding of what was going on around me.
i descended into alcohol and pot to cope. very unfortunate and i wish i had support and guidance at that time.

Life was hell. I wanted to die every single day.

I think do... I don't really want to elaborate since this might have been the saddest period of my life **** sucked.
I missed school a lot like every 2nd or third day.

Actually, NLD starts striking ostentiously only in puberty. Serenity, I could've written your post myself word by word. I was the most popular kid in primary school, the center of love and attention at school, becoming a social outcast abruptly when I turned 12. So we can say that part of Autistics get better at puberty and part only start suffering from their Autism at puberty.

puberty was extremely hard for me. I hated growing up, especially physically. I was still skinny as a rail, so I was glad I did not develop a chest. Even at 30,(and the times I gained a lot of weight from medications I used to take), i still did not have a "chest", so I lucked out. But the period part scared me the most, but I did not really have a real period until age 16, though I only had it once or twice a year, very lightly between 13 and 15. I still am emotionally a little girl, even at 30. The whole junior high part was scary, but I still had my friends from elementary school, who I still contact through email, they live out of state now. As for dating, no but I did have a friend who was a boy, but both me and him went a couple of places, but never kissed or did anything like that because we both felt too young to be in that type of relationship. I was not ready and so wasn't he, thank god.I never really was emotionally and/or physically connected to boys, still not today. I talk to them, but I am more closer to the girls.
Most part, the physical thing bothered me so much,still does today, that I became more immature than i was in sixth grade.Even though I was able to do the schoolwork,my own chores since I was a child, the whole "growing up physically" scared me. I was bullied by some kids,especially boys who would "touch" me inappropriately in the hallways, but that all stopped in high school.
As I grew older, even to this day, I regress more and more emotionally, and I will always be a child who plays with toys and feels like a little girl.Physically, as I get older, i want to look more like a little girl. Pretty much, I can not handle the emotional and/or physical parts of growing up.

I forgot to add. I actually am more "autistic" as I grow up. I am either physically or mentally stimulated. Since my teens, I always need some kind of stimulation whether or not it be anything sensory(weighted blankets,cuddling stuffed animals,etc.),physical(exercise, pacing, etc.) or mental(books,math problems, learning things,etc.). I am more withdrawn now since 20, then i was at a younger age. When i was younger,though i could not handle crowds and too many people and noises, I had lots of friends and tolerated socializing in groups. Since I was 18, now I can not handle being in groups of people, and I only can handle being with 1:1, with just me and one other person, not 2 or more at a time, since it is overwhelming. I am also more sensitive to stimuli as I got older. I had a hard time as a little girl with my problem stimuli,but tolerated only to so much. Now I can not tolerate even a little stimuli, where I freak out and/or have to avoid it. This is why I stay home and need to live on my own, and be away from situations that involve "unpleasant" stimuli. If I have to be around it, i get nervous, start "rocking", making noises and feel sick. I try to use my MP3 players(where were these long time ago,lol) for the noises, but the crowding of people there is nothing I can do, so i freak out. Since I was 29, i have been talking out loud more and having more mental stimulation ,as well. The physical and sensory stimulation increased, as well. I am constantly stimming, but I need to and I enjoy it because as I get older, I depend on it a lot more I love my stimming and there is nothing I would do to stop it.

I hear a lot of people talk about putting on an act to get by socially, and that, for the most part, doesn't resonate with me. I had such little understanding of what was going on around me that even realizing that I needed to act went over my head. As a teen, and young adult, I got myself into some really dangerous situations, because I was unable to read people at all. I've been close to being sexually assaulted a few times, and the only reason that I wasn't was because something external from the situation interrupted it. I had to go to court for one of those instances, and the guy was found not guilty primarily because no one could understand why I would've stayed in that situation if it was so dangerous. When I was younger I didn't have the normal instinctive alarm bells that told me that I was in a dangerous situation. By the time I figured it out, it was too late. This compounded my suicidal urges, because I thought it was my fault that I kept getting into situations that I would end up getting abused in. People would tell me that it was, because I wasn't 'paying attention' or that I wasn't using 'common sense'. This is why I think it's so very important for young girls on the spectrum to not remain undiagnosed, lost, and confu sed about the world. It can lead to being victimized if you don't know that there is such a thing as hidden intentions, and the need to pay attention to nonverbal cues. Predatory people can recognize that kind of innocent cluelessness a mile away.

I didn't ever really get into drugs or alcohol all that much, but I did mostly hang around drug addicts, because they did seem more accepting of my quirks. Most of the ones that I've met don't fit into society, either, so they don't judge you. Its a live, and let live social environment. That was a double-edged sword, though. My parents would forbid me to hang around such people, so I'd end up losing any of them that I'd made friends with, which resulted in me not having any friends at all.

I don't have a diagnosis of as of now, but I'm 99% sure that I do at the least have NLD, mostly because I can't find my way out of a wet paper bag if my life depended on it. I think that was part of my anxiety when I had gotten to be a teen. I was expected to be a little more independent, but I struggled with it because of my total inability to find my way around even places that I've been 100's of times.

I most definitely was not ever popular, but I don't think that I ever really noticed until I got to be about 12. I lived out in the country, and my parents are really asocial people. I really didn't get a chance to socialize outside of school. It didn't even occur to me that other people were socializing outside of school until I was about 10 or 11. My family moved into town when I was 13, and I thought that I'd finally get to go hang out with my friends, because now I'd be close enough to do so. I quickly found out that the people that I thought were my friends were mostly just acquaintances. They liked to chat with me at school from time to time, but they didn't want to hang out with me. I think around puberty was when I became aware that I was different, and that awareness shook up my whole world.

I don't know if I actually stim more now, or if I notice it more now, because I'm aware of it. If it weren't for my kids getting diagnosed, I don't think that I would've ever really become aware of how many autistic traits that I have. I would've just kept trying to be like everyone else, constantly running into the same brick wall that I had my whole life. Now, I just accept my autistic traits as a part of me. I don't try to repress them, or constantly put myself in situations to where I'm going to go into sensory overload. I'm a much, much happier person now.

i have neither deteriorated nor improved throughout my life.

i always have had my level of impairment because i was born with it, and it is not malignant (it is B9) , so it has not gotten worse.
however, because it is an organic thing, then my condition is permanent, and so it has not improved.

i just know better what to avoid these days.

same happened to me i started to notice i was not doing so well anymore as i thought i could because i thought of myself as perfectly capable of socializing like others, so i tried to fit in then got depressed diagnosed and now i dont care anymore and actually i feel great even though i never see my old friends anymore.