NT needs advice about Aspie shutdown - please help me

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It's ok, just be calm and things will work out.

I recently went through a shutdown where I cut all contact with my friends (in fact my only talking is online through posts on WP, and very occasionally facebook when I feel up to it). It has lasted about 6 weeks so far, and is still not over though it's getting closer to the end than the start.

When an AS person goes through shut down they will not be thinking about your interaction, or upset at you about anything. They are unlikely to want to stop being friends with you. It's a shutdown of the mind, where it's too exhausting to socialize, and the AS person will not be thinking social thoughts, or trying to communicate. It's like recovering from a severe illness, where a person is unlikely to be thinking about next weeks social engagement when they're in the middle of a fever.

Trying to socialize with an AS person when they're in shutdown is like trying to feed them fever pills (that make the fever worse) while they're tossing and turning on the bed.

The best thing you can do for your friend is to give him space. When he comes out of shutdown he will probably reach out to you, and he will worry that you don't want to be his friend anymore (because he hasn't kept in contact). Still be his friend when he "comes back" and that's the best thing you can do for him.

I know my current friends (who have never experienced one of my shutdowns before) are really confused by it and probably quite upset, but they're being really good about it - giving me space, and occasionally sending emails or calling (though not more than once a week - and also it's important to remember that I am a pretty mild aspie, so I am able to cope with more during shutdown - I wouldn't recommend calling really) to check up with me, but again only occasionally. Sometimes the calling is more than I can handle, but they don't really know any better, and they have been very good about it (and really restricted themselves - making sure they don't smother me).

Probably the best thing you can do for your friend is send an occasional email without pressuring him to socialize or respond. I know it can be hard, but the more isolation an aspie in shutdown gets, the faster they are likely to recover.

Funny how we're "supposed" to be this rude, selfish, unempathetic bunch of people. Either that or "just plain creepy." It's nice to hear stories that dispel those awful stereotypes.

Ah, that's very normal. Two times three weeks in one year is pretty minimal actually. My normal "shutdown" periods go for at least 5 weeks to 6 weeks a year, in shorter blocks of about a week at a time (and that's in a good year) - this year has been a bad year and I've had a single shutdown go for over 6 weeks in a row.

I shut down frequently due to sensory problems (this is far more common for me than a meltdown, though i do that too). In these periods I cannot talk, and I am almost like a ball of anger (that's what I have been called). I cannot take physical touch, looking at anyone, amongst other things.

For me that is different than going into my shell (metaphorically). I am generally just not interested in social things, so I tend to be aloof in general with that regard, but with the friends that I do have I can withdraw for long periods of time. It is not because I don't like these people, I just have hit a maximum of what social contact I can have for the time. I don't know whether this will be of any help. :/

@Sunshower, you give me hope but scare me at the same time with thoughts of a 6 week shutdown. I have several emails ready to send. I suppose it isn't good to remind him that it's been 3 weeks. It's so hard to keep what I want separated from what he needs.

Thanks for all the advice and support. If you have any other thoughts on this, I'd love to hear it. Sometimes the smallest thing can "click" and help me understand more.

To the OP you just need to chill I hate it positively when people pester me constantly and as aspies our social limits change depending on the circumstance for example when at univrsity I am very fun loving and talkative with my other aspie friend but whenat home I am practically silent and talk to no oe except my nearest and dearest every 4 or 5 days because its my personal space. I used to work mornings then do school your friend probably is Sleeping if he has been sleeping aunce you said he does lates and is probasbly doing his hobbes in the meanime as an aspi with serious routine issues
I take a long time to shift rouines and re rarel talkatie in the process just because I am trying to fugure out what balance me. I can go months wihut chatting to my nearest friends and they KNOW that and sometimes expect it. My friens are very compliant with my shut outs and you should to cus he just doing the stuff that matters or your very close nature is kind of putting him off which is another point. I thinkyour aspie friend is not the problem it is your perceptions and how you handle people because if you are very tactile your friend prbably hates it as an aspie I despise physical contact and i you do it cnstantly its probablyannoying when at collge I had an aspie friend called ben who was very tactileI din't speak out and blockedhim out eventually cus I got annoyed

THREE WEEKS dude thats nothing me and my asie friend don't talk for 3 - 4 months lol you just have a really dependent nature by what it sounds psychologically and you should not cross swords with your friend even if he is not talkative for 7 weeks becaue thats just him as a person and you should get over it. because thats what friends do they forgive and forget especiall if that is a disability of the other

hope you hear from him but you shouldn't pester him

Thanks for the honesty. I'm pretty much in tears now at the thought that I am causing this. The first 3 years of our friendship, we didn't have any shutdown problems. He wouldn't be missing more than 3-5 days at a time. For the first 6 months I didn't even know he had Asperger's or what it was. We don't have physical contact. We used to webcam and we don't do that either because it made him uncomfortable.

Here is a link that might explain what we [NT's] feel when we think we are getting the "silent treatment". It's a very real thing. http://www.kensavage.com/archives/silent-treatment/

If I'm his only real friend, should I be willing to walk away?

I did not say you caused it but your perceptions are blocking your judgement and understanding so don't go flipping tables around because of blunt honesty. I don't like you frankly because of how you are writing this and percieving yor firned as the villin or the shadowy spectre and making yourself to be the knght in golden armor when in fact if my fellow aspies are reading it makes it sound like you love control absolutely and now yoour friend has changed sceneary and i just coping with the change in his lifestyle most likely you have to flail about it. If you don't like the fact you are getting upset drop out because your friend would probably cope he is just altering his life style thats alltheres no need to kick sand only because people don't talk for a while that is human nature we have priiorities he probably isn't feeling social right now

I did thank you for your honesty. I don't feel that I'm twisting this around at all. The whole point of this is to ask what I can do to help him. This is more than most people would do for a friend. He is not a villain, he is my hero. I'd do anything for him, even walk away if that's what he needed. I don't wish to control him.

You don't have to like me. That's okay. I've decided not to contact him for a few more days. I'll give him his space.

Thank you for the honest comments.

But Syler is my hero

I hope this works out for you, butterflair... good friends are hard to find.


My roommate, who isn't an aspie, does this from time to time... he just doesn't want to see or talk to some of his lifelong friends for a while... says he just wants his space for a while... he always recovers. Hopefully your friend will too.

I wouldn't assume that. I had friends I had known for years that later friends knew nothing about since I didn't gossip about them. He may have other friends online, offline, at work or somewhere that no-one knows anything about at all. He may even have said he has no friends, but if he has linking trouble, it may be that they don't come to mind when you ask about them. I had a woman I know who was absolutely convinced that I was totally alone and she felt she had to look after me, I hate to say this, but it is kind of patronizing. I understand now though that she was just trying to be a good person and she was shocked to find that I could manage without her! So try not to assume too much or you may get hurt.

You may see yourself as his only real friend but he may see you differently. I have had a few people in the past who imagined that I was very important to them only to be upset when I have disappeared. I have been surprised too because I had no idea how important I was to them!

I hope he gets in touch with you and then maybe you could have a productive conversation around this somehow and maybe get some clarity.

SteveeVader, you need to be aware that not all people with AS are like you. Many don't like physical contact, but it's not an issue for others. I know you probably didn't mean to sound harsh, but from the information given in this situaion you are making a whole list of fairly baseless assumptions. 3 weeks is obviously a longer period of time for him, and as his friend, she is concerned.
Butterflair, you are most likely not causing any of this. Don't be so hard on yourself. And don't listen to everything you hear here on WP. Including me.

Regardless, friendship by definition needs to go both ways. When he comes back, don't judge him for being away, but be willing to talk about his absence in a constructive way, explaining what you need out of the friendship, too.

The "silent treatment" thing is actually jiving with some of the stuff I know about the study of animal societies--chimps, wolves, that sort of thing. Apparently, animals that live in groups depend so much on those groups that ostracism is basically a death sentence--that these animals will actually deal with being the punching bag for every other animal in the group in order to stay in the group (explains why the lowest-ranked chimp doesn't just strike out on his own for example... may also explain things like mistreated employees, spouses, or even cult or gang members staying in their groups despite bad treatment). Apparently humans have the same programming; stay in the group at all costs. Which is why the silent treatment is so scary--it's ostracism, and our monkey brains are still responding to it as though it were a death sentence. Thankfully humans are not monkeys; and we have the power of language and other sorts of symbolic communication. The problem with language, though, is that it takes a while for abstract linguistic concepts such as, "I have a low need for social interaction and am not rejecting you," to penetrate to the more basic level of emotion and monkey-style perception of one's place in a group.

(I hope this is not offensive. I am not saying NTs are monkeys; in fact, both neurotypes have these "monkey" tendencies to some extent. Aspies with a high need for social interaction have similar problems when their own low capacity for such interaction clashes with their desire for connectedness.)

Not offensive at all.

The facts are very true. When faced with a close friend who is suddenly not speaking to you, we tend to wonder what we did wrong. We assume that it was something we did and we get scared. When numerous emails go unanswered, we really get scared. The urge to do whatever we have to do to "save it" kicks in. That's how my brain thinks.

That's why I come here to get other information. My intelligent self says that I did nothing to provoke this and it's related to the Asperger's and I have to wait it out.

My emotional self says I must have done something wrong because I never do anything right and I'm always screwing things up. (lots of baggage)

The end result is I feel like I'm grieving for someone who died. There is a pit in my stomach that aches. As he has to deal with what is happening to him, I have to do the same.

I'm just hoping in the end, he finds his way back.